SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

House rule: one up all up.

No one sits down and watches the other work. No jobs allocated, it all just needs doing.

@AlexaShutUp

There's a whole range of reasons that don't involve being a housekeeper who has the working parent's slippers ready when they get in.

Yes, I understand that people have different ideas about why they might want a SAHP, but ultimately, both partners need to be on the same page about what the role involves. If they can't agree, then it isn't viable.

All I'm saying is that I personally wouldn't be happy to financially support a partner to SAH purely to provide childcare because I wouldn't consider it to be a fair division of labour. I appreciate that others might feel differently and that's fine, but in order for the arrangement to work, both partners have to feel that it's fair.

You wouldn’t be ‘supporting that partner’ though, you’d be making the decision that your own children are looked after by one of their actual parents rather than outsourcing it.

I think k he needs a proper wake up call that your marriage is in trouble. You are supposed to care for and support your partner he's not doing this at all.
I'm a SAHM to school age kids. I tend to do housework and walk the dog till lunchtime, then I have a break and watch TV or do a hobby till school run time. Then I'm doing kid stuff and cooking dinner etc almost till they go to bed so I think my afternoon break is quite reasonable really. My dh is away at least half the week but he does make an effort to do stuff with the kids and weekends are family time.

The balance sounds fine until you go back to FT work

When I was (briefly) a SAHM, I did whatever was required during DP’s working hours, outside of this, we split. Because I was quite efficient with my time during the day, I did a fair bit of meal prep/organisation stuff, so much of the time outside of his work was childcare (bathing, putting to bed) and DP used to do lots of this to give me a break.
I’m now back working 3 days a week and on my work days/weekends, we spilt the chores 50:50

Going back to work worked for me, I actually never really wanted to quit but with 3 small children the childcare costs outweighed what I earned.

Husband in fairness has a job with very long hours but did for years think he didn't have to lift a finger regarding childcare or housework. I'll admit I did end up feeling resentful. He got two full days off every week whereas my jobs and responsibilities were 7 days a week.

Now I have gone back to work he has struggled with the fact that he now has to book his annual leave to cover school holidays, covering kids being Ill and off school, doctors/dentists/opticians appointments. He's had this week off with the kids on his own and has admitted he's exhausted and doesn't know how I managed never having any time away from it all.

I've tried to bite my tongue and not point out that actually he's only kept the basics ticking over such as entertaining them, cooking, tidying, washing, dishes, bins etc. He hasn't cleaned bathrooms, washed floors, changed bedding, mowed the lawn, getting up through the night, done play dates, parties and after school clubs etc. It is relentless sometimes and I dont think they appreciate that when they've never had to do it all by themselves before.

I'm a sahm and I have a similar split to you. However, I do think I should do the bigger share! When I was working (as a teacher) i'd have to planning, marking, meetings etc. I remind myself of not having that stress when I'm unloading the dishwasher for the millionth time or doing another wash. I know I could ask dh to do more though and he would so feel no resentment.

But Op said they split the kids and do bedtime on opposite days so three days of the week he is stopping work, walking the dog and then doing bedtime and not sitting down til 9pm himself..? I don’t see how every night he’s sitting with his feet up.. and if he is doing that 3 days a week then op must be doing that 3 days a week too? Which one is it?!

If you separated and lived apart then you'd get every other wekend free and more? 50/50 sounds good, nice and fair. How does DH like the sound of that?

I think going back to work is a good idea, for lots of reasons. To put it bluntly, if it doesn't force him to do more, at least it puts you in an independent financial position to deal with whatever comes next!

Both kids get up at least once each in the night and the 4 year old sleeps on my side of the bed every night, so I haven't had a full nights sleep in nearly 5 years.

This is the most awful bit. Sleep deprivation. I would seriously consider booking yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights during his annual leave and let him get on with it.
Going forward I agree that he you could alternate the morning duties of getting breakfast for the children and walking the dog. Let’s be honest that the dog walking is probably a pleasure rather than a chore. Then at the weekends he does the night duties on Friday and Saturday so that you can get some unbroken sleep. Then he gets a full night sleep on the Sunday.

I was a SAHP for a long time - through the baby, toddler, preschool and many school years of three DC.

The way we shared it was that during DH’s working hours, I covered all childcare, housework and laundry. Outside of his work hours (basically evenings, overnights and weekends - he left for work around 7am for years) we split stuff.

So kids bath and story time, getting up in the night, either cooking dinner or washing up was shared. During the week I would generally be the one to cook dinner and he’d wash up; at weekends we reversed this. We took it in turns for a lie in at the weekend until they were old enough to get up without us and entertain themselves for a bit. It worked well for us.

But if I’m honest, DH was never expected to do any cleaning or laundry (unless I was ill or recovering from childbirth) as I always saw both of these as part of the SAHP role. I never saw me being the SAHP as ‘just providing childcare’. Food shopping, meal prep and washing up though have always been shared tasks.

Different splits work for different families but if what you’re doing is not working for you OP then have a think about what you could do differently, and talk to your partner. It’s not worth letting resentment fester and build.

I do most of the stuff around the house purely because I'm not working and school runs but DP does the nursery run in the morning when DD goes and puts her to bed each night, washes up every night, gardening, odd jobs and anything I ask for help on like changing the bottom sheets on the beds as I can't lift the mattresses. When he was out work, he did everything from cooking, cleaning, school runs because I was working and pregnant so we work as a team.

You wouldn’t be ‘supporting that partner’ though, you’d be making the decision that your own children are looked after by one of their actual parents rather than outsourcing it.

Yes, but I wouldn't make that decision personally, so unless my partner was financially independent, I would need to support them in order for them to make that choice.

Personally, if it was really important to me not to outsource childcare, I would opt for both partners going part time rather than having one SAHP, or working opposite shifts around each other. I would not have wanted to stay at home myself, but I wouldn't have been happy for my partner to stay at home and only do childcare either. I prefer a more even distribution of labour.

Not judging what anyone else chooses to do - if it works for their family and both partners are happy, all power to them. I'm just saying that I would resent a SAHP who didn't take on what I would perceive as a fair share of the load, and consequently, that isn't an arrangement that I would be willing to fund.

I think if one opts out of everything financial then they pick up everything in the home. Weekends and holidays should be a shared effort.

If both work then it’s shared equally if the same working hours or split according to who works less.

There’s no magic formula for who does what chores when you have young children. All that matters is that you listen to each other and work as a team.

I think it is fair that during the week you cover the domestics while he earns money.

BUT

He gets two times every day when he has neither work nor childcare responsibilities. It is only fair that you get the equivalent, either by taking over one of the dog walking times or having other time to yourself, so he could do bath time / bedtime story time while you don’t.

In addition you need to sort out how the weekends work, by sharing cleaning / shopping/gardening tasks so that you are both contributing to household wellbeing while both getting some down time and family time.

I love my child and I enjoy spending time with her, but not when I've got loads of other stuff to do. I find teaching other people's kids much less stressful tbh. No one ever barges into my classroom and demands a snack and that I play Roblox.

There's no two ways about it. If looking after kids is fun, share it (selfish not to). If it's hard work, share it (selfish not to).

if you feel like a maid go back to work .people work with 3 kids and 2 kids as well

@AlexaShutUp
yes obviously, but it's a very inefficient way of providing childcare for one pre-school child, so personally, I wouldn't see the point if they didn't at least suck up the bulk of the domestic burden as well
Weirdly not all parents are interested in the most 'efficient' form of childcare. It's not just SAHPs, lots of WOHPs opt for nannys because they think this is a superior form of childcare. It's not all about cost and getting your child looked after as efficiently (or cheaply) as possible.

I'm a SAHM and the inefficiency of the childcare I offer means I can comprehensively cater to my children. I can go on outings to places they like, do activities related to their specific interests and cook their favourite foods for mealtimes. I can phase their preschool hours up or down depending on how they feel and what they are getting out of their time there.

I am not trying to denigrate nurseries here as I know many are fantastic and children can thrive there. It's more to point out the value of 'inefficient' childcare and why so many families choose this approach. You may feel that this isn't really what your family is after or that you don't think it would benefit your family but to say you don't see the 'point' is a bit disingenuous. I see the 'point' in nurseries and why they are the best option for lots of families but it doesn't mean that it's right for me and mine, and that is absolutely fine!

the main problem is that children are still waking in the night and that you don't get to sit down until 9pm.

You need to collectively work on sorting bed and night time and then you won't be so exhausted.

Apparently there's some magic which means looking after children is always a joy (and therefore not work) for mothers but such hard work for fathers that they can't possibly be expected to pitch in after a full day at work. And this is the case even if both work full-time - the man needs "down-time" whereas why would a mother working FT want more time away from her children to relax? That's just selfish of her .

Weirdly not all parents are interested in the most 'efficient' form of childcare. It's not just SAHPs, lots of WOHPs opt for nannys because they think this is a superior form of childcare. It's not all about cost and getting your child looked after as efficiently (or cheaply) as possible.

Well, of course, people will have all sorts of different priorities. We used a part time nanny, combined with opposite shifts at work, so I'm certainly not suggesting that efficiency is the only consideration.

However, I don't personally feel that the benefit of having a SAHP from the perspective of the child is sufficient for one parent to opt out of financial responsibilities altogether, and such an unequal division of labour would not have been desirable for my family, so I would never have chosen this approach. In those scenarios where the SAHP takes on the bulk of the domestic load, I can see that their contribution is much more equal - I still wouldn't choose that arrangement personally, but I think it would be less likely to cause resentment.

When DS was younger and I was a SAHM my 'job' began when DH walked out of the door to work and finished when he got home and sat down at the dinner table.

I cleaned the house, did the washing/ironing and cooking, looked after DS obviously. I also had a mother with dementia to keep an eye on. DH did the bath time when he got home as he saw that as his chance to actually get to know his son. I think I bathed DS half a dozen times before he started school. It was their father and son time. I put DS to bed and both of us read the stories depending on who could cope with Thomas the Tank Engine again!

At the weekends we both did what needed to be done as we're both parents and we both live in our home. That's what we used to do before DS came along and my 'job' as SAHM did not mean I had to do the job 7 days a week - DH wasn't expected to do his office job 7 days a week. Daddy was home at the weekends so daddy could step up and help with the housework then if needed (which he was happy to do).

But then DH used to do the last night time feed most nights as, in his words, he can fall asleep on the train. He didn't want me falling asleep leaving DS to his own devices - DS didn't sleep through beyond 4am until he was four years old. And, twice a year, he used to pay for me to go into London, see a show and stay overnight in a hotel. He used to take DS off to the cinema, swimming, or something similar, get McDonalds for lunch and pizza for dinner and have a boys night watching Marvel films. His view was that he could be himself, not dad, five days a week at work and I never got a rest from being mum - so twice a year I was able to be LondonJax again and enjoy some grown up stuff.

@AlexaShutUp

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work. As the main breadwinner, I wouldn't consider it a fair deal otherwise.

I totally get why you wouldn't want to take on all the drudge work, though, so I would go back to work if I were you.

If the SAHP has disturbed sleep every night, it isn’t reasonable to expect them to work a full day on domestic chores in addition to childcare. If the children sleep through then it’s possible to get done chores done with a little on home but not if the Op isn’t getting proper sleep.

Going back to work isn’t the solution. The ‘breadwinner’ needs to stop being a dick.