SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

Hmm, no, you shouldn’t have to go back to work if you want to be a SAHM. It’s basic adulthood to eg put your dishes in the dishwasher and if it’s full turn it on, or take the bin out if it is full. DH works more than full time and I am a SAHM. He is putting both kids to bed, has just brought some cups down from upstairs and put them in the dishwasher, is back upstairs putting the kids to bed then going out to the shop to get bread and milk. I meanwhile am sitting on the sofa mumsnetting and using my foot massager. I have just come in from trimming the hedge, sweeping the front garden, weeding, after I took the youngest for a walk and fed them. I also did an epic Easter egg hunt this morning for the kids and their friends while DH had a glorious couple of hours to himself in the house (rule of 6 issues!). Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re a slave.

Oh and he also had a nap today while the kids watched telly and I was exercising, he is in no way hard done by.

It is unfair if the working parent works a certain amount of hours and gets evenings, weekends and holidays off, while the SAHP works at all times. I am a SAHP and do most of the household and kid stuff but my husband helps every day. He is also very involved with our kids.

You say DH comes in from walking the dog and sits down for the evening, but in the OP you said he shared bedtime for the DC?

I think it makes a big difference which of these is correct - I'd expect a SAHM to be doing most of the housework, but I'd be really pissed off if he was never involved in the DC's bathtime and bedtime.

What about at weekends? I hope you get some child free time then while he looks after the DC?

I'm a sahm to one dc aged 3. Everything to do with dc during the day falls to me, i.e. cooking, cleaning. I do most of the cleaning and washing just because I can do it while at home. But evenings and weekend we split all chores. Take it in turns to cook dinner. Have a couple of hours to ourselves at weekends. Dh has a demanding job but also recognises that so do I. Has your dh ever been in your shoes and looked over your dc all day on his own?

He's recently had a few days annual leave - so he's on holiday, which means he's lying in until 10am, doing jobs in the garden (hobby), having a round of golf, going for a golf lesson, watching sports on tv and I'm...doing everything else exactly the same as every other day.

On the weekend he prioritises gardening jobs (hobby) while ignoring the kids and I'm....doing everything else exactly the same as every other day.

There is no break from it - I can't exactly submit an annual leave request.

Sorry OP but he sounds like an entitled twat. You really need to have a word, or many many words.

When he works everything is your job, on his days off it is split IMO

You clearly don't like the set up, so change it

He sounds lazy OP and like he thinks domestic responsibilities are a woman's job. It's not nice.

Regardless of who works and who stays at home, both parents deserve equal time to themselves over the course of the week. With the gardening, it sounds like he thinks he's found a get out of housework and family responsibility because technically it's a household job. It reminds me of posts where the husband does almost nothing around the house but seems to think that endless tinkering and unnecessary DIY projects mean he doesn't have to pull his weight.

We both work full time and have none of this nonsense. We have a cleaner who does laundry and bedding.. bliss. All other chores are shared. Works really well. Personally I’d find a job and make him do more!

I'm not sure if I just hate being a SAHM now - lockdown/homeschooling did utterly suck the joy out of everything and I haven't got it back yet. I did used to enjoy it, but I haven't really since my eldest went to school.

I think DH thinks my day is all a piece of piss now with one older toddler (which it is compared to having a toddler and baby), so refuses to budge an inch on 'his' jobs and 'my jobs'. So we're basically not a team anymore and I'm a second class citizen.

Best fix is going back to work, and as you say get a cleaner because he won’t do much of that. Nights and lie ins and cooking have to be split - and you can control that by just not doing it - not your night? Then stay in bed. He doesn’t cook - then stop cooking for him (I don’t mean starve anyone, just have deli type stuff in fridge. You will have to be really fucking hard to get him in line - but it will work. Also if you want to do one dog walk start doing it, it’s time out.

I read on here once, one person's view was that sahp does the childcare for the hours the other parent is at work. Other duties and childcare outside that time to be shared. I found that view very interesting as when I was on mat leave if always viewed my role to do everything home related and it was quite overwhelming.

@squishmittens

If I go back to work DH will definitely not do half of the chores - he would probably do half of the cooking and a bit more dishwasher/vacuuming and his share of bathing the kids but that's it. At the moment I get up with the kids every morning and he lies in, so I would hope he'd start getting up earlier (who knows). He has never done more than that and thinking that he'll start now is wishful thinking.

If I work it would be on the condition that we have a cleaner twice a week and childcare until 4pm every day for both children. When I worked before I always ended up taking the sick days/snow days/inset days. He would need to share these 50/50 this time.

If I go back to work DH will definitely not do half of the chores

I think he's going to be in for a shock then, when you announce that he is going to do half the chores. You have got to stick up for yourself @squishmittens and not let this man dictate to you how much you have to do do.

There is no break from it - I can't exactly submit an annual leave request.

Why not? Could you not plan a few childfree weekends staying with friends for when lockdown finishes?

He’s disrespectful and taking the piss. How come he thinks he can get away with doing so little? Give him a good kick up the backside .

If dc were at school then yes you could do everything and probably still have time left over and might not feel resentful about it. As you've still got a toddler at home it's not really possible.

I think you should stay on top of dishwasher and washing machine ie jobs you can do around the toddler and actual cleaning, like a cleaner would do, should be done together in a blitz at the weekend.

I work part time and we've got a cleaner, it's amazing. Unfortunately dh working from home has revealed to him how little I do on Fridays so I'm a bit worried he's going to ask me to justify this day off soon

@DarkMatterA2Z I have never stayed at friends houses as an adult, I think they'd find it a bit weird if I turned up asking to kip in their spare rooms! There isn't anywhere for me to go - I would prefer it if he'd just take the kids out somewhere for a few hours. Asking/nagging him to do that kills the magic of him actually doing it stone dead.

It only works for one person to be a SAHP if the other person respects and values their role. This isn't the case for you which is why it isn't working.

I think your choices are to go back to work (and make it very clear that he'll have to pitch in), or to split up with him, or to start being just as unreasonable and stubborn as him. If he's not working that day (eg weekend or annual leave), don't cook for him or wash his clothes.

Yeah he is being shit.

Looking after a toddler isnt as intense as a baby but you still don't get any time for yourself, for example unless she is eating I can't just scroll through my phone or it gets snatched off me, if I sit down and have 5 min peace she will be off drawing on the walls or something.

Yes I think you should do more housework - increasing as your child gets older and easier. But this doesn't mean that you are on duty from 6am til 9pm, that's 15 hour days! And that doesnt mean that he doeant need to do anything. And that doesnt mean that you get less sleep!

He is a shit human if he didnt take half his childs sick days or any childcare pick ups when you both worked - why did he say he wouldn't? And it drives me mad when men way they want it both ways, that you dont need a break from looking after your child because child care is easy, but that he needs to have a break from work and childcare at the weekend because work outside the home is hard but childcare isnt easy enough to count as a proper break.

I think it should work as equal leisure time. Why should one of you get to sit on the couch scrolling their phone or watching netflix for hours at a time while the other does jobs? Whatever your job is - looking after a toddler, housework or work outside the home, you should get equal time off and to yourself and for hobbies.

I don't think you'll manage that with him to be totally honest, it sounds like the sexism is so engrained he cant see it. Maybe have a trial split where he can see what its actually like having the kids for whole days at the weekend and he may rethink

@squishmittens. Sometimes going away and leaving them to it is the only way to change behaviour. My DH wasn't great when our DC was small, but he improved hugely when I had to travel for a work conference when our DC was around 18 months and he was left in sole charge for a week. He had to do nursery drop-offs and pick-ups, bed and bath-time, cook breakfast and dinner and do all laundry and cleaning. I came back to an absolute tip and DC had been given pizza, chips and sandwiches for most of the time but they survived. Since then, I frequently book weekends away whenever I feel DH is taking me for granted. It helps to reset things. I find that the more they do, the more they're willing to do. Much more effective than nagging - just remove yourself from the situation and they've got no choice but to step up.

Who said 6am is early for a 4yr old...:I call that normal! I call 6.30 a lie in!

I think if you are at home with preschoolers duties need to be shared- if kids in school then yes the sahp does it all. I wouldn’t go back to work: if a man is selfish he’s selfish, your wages will go on childcare and you will still do the bulk of the work!

The thing that stands out here is that even if you were to be working out of the home he would not bother to contribute fairly to the housework or childcare. This speaks volumes about how he sees you (women?) and how much he values his children. What is the point of being with him exactly?

I think it’s fair for the SAHP to do most of the housework etc during work hours but appalling you’re expected to do everything home and child related beyond that, and that your DH doesn’t seem to care about being an active parent to his children. You both need a clear agreement of what your “job description” is to manage expectations when you’re a SAHP. Also let's not forget SAHP don't get a holiday and they don't get sick days.

FWIW, I am a SAHM to a 6 & 3 year olds. A big benefit of this is it affords us a better quality of life through me being able to pick up the majority of housework, life admin and of course childcare during the working week, so we can enjoy our evenings and weekends. However, when I took this on it was in the knowledge DH wants to spend as much time as possible with the children and he wouldn’t expect me to be the household skivvy outside of his working hours. We share weekend lie ins, get up at the same time Mon-Fri and share all the morning tasks eg getting children up, dressed, fed and unloading dishwasher, feeding pets etc which are done before DH starts work. When WFH DH also does the school drop off because he WANTS one to one time with the children and to be active in this side of their lives. After work he plays with them (they are already fed and bathed by me, we eat later) and we either share bedtime or he does both while I cook.

If we didn’t have an equitable split, and if my being SAHM role in making DH’s life smoother and easier wasn’t valued I’d be in work like a shot. He knows when I go back to work soon he will have a lot more on his plate having to work and take on cooking, cleaning, days off for sick kids etc that he has barely had to think about for years (yes I know he works hard and appreciate it enormously).

Why should you be run ragged and he gets to enjoy a load of extra sleep and down time just because he is Big Man with Job? Funny how you don’t often hear of women expecting to do fuck all in the house or with their own children just because they’re holding down a job...

Honestly, I think you should be doing most things yes.

I'm a SAHM and wouldn't expect my DH to come home from work and stick a washing on for example.

What else do you want him to do?

There is no break from it - I can't exactly submit an annual leave request.

That I EXACTLY what I would do. In writing. See what his response is.

But no I wouldn't put up with that shit!