SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

If I was stay at home mum I would expect to have to do the house work as well as looking after the kids. So I prefer to work as I'm rubbish at cleaning! Myself and husband both work full time. I do all the cooking / dishes. He does the cleaning. We split the laundry. This works well for us

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work. As the main breadwinner, I wouldn't consider it a fair deal otherwise
Some families would rather not pay high childcare costs, or would struggle to pay them. Some families don't want to put their children into childcare settings because they want to have a parent at home. Some people believe that having a SAHP is the best thing for their children. Some families find that the system is awful for children with special needs and medical issues, so it's easier to have a stay at home parent. Having a stay at home parent can mean there's fewer chores to do in evenings and weekends too, so everyone else has balance. Having a stay at home parent makes family life easier once the children are school age as there's someone home during the holidays.

There's a whole range of reasons that don't involve being a housekeeper who has the working parent's slippers ready when they get in.

Yes that is your job. His is to bring the money in. If you are t happy with it then you should work full time as you say. Otherwise I think you should be looking after the household

@juliainthedeepwater childcare isn't work. You are looking after your child - whom you chose to have. That is completely different from being employed

I'd say that during the work day, SAHP should be doing the childcare and cleaning while the other parent is at work. Outside of work hours it should be equally shared.

Childcare

@Pumperthepumper, yes obviously, but it's a very inefficient way of providing childcare for one pre-school child, so personally, I wouldn't see the point if they didn't at least suck up the bulk of the domestic burden as well.

YANBU
I really don’t understand why people think a SAHP must do everything!! Really pisses me off actually. Raising kids is relentless and exhausting. Your DP sounds like a total ass. I mean why is he even a parent? 🤷‍♀️
I would be reassessing whether I wanted to continue the relationship not just a return to work.

Some people seem to equate being a SAHP with being a slave. The SAHP is at home to parent. You'd pay a nanny around 2k a month to do childcare for shorter hours than a SAHP and they wouldn't be doing general housework either. The SAHP should be expected to do the same job as a nanny during working hours (childcare and cleaning up after the children) and duties outside "working hours" should be shared between the parents.

I was only a sahp for a year but we still split things evenly.

I was exhausted after a day of entertaining young children that he would often do more than me

If it was something I could fit in around nap times like putting a washing load on or putting some food in a slow cooker then I would

Otherwise general jobs got done in evenings and weekends and I wasn’t going to be doing the lions share of that

This is one of those situations where it would be easier to be a single parent. At least they'd have the kids some of the time...sounds like he does very little parenting. Doesn't even cross his mind.

I would have massive words with your DH. He is taking the piss. And if you want to take the dog out, just take him! Your husband then can't claim that as his 'job' when its something he just enjoys doing!

I assume your 4 year old will start school in September? So as of then you'll only have to pay for one lot of childcare at that point?

I'd start looking for a job and get a cleaner in the meantime so you can enjoy the spring and summer with your littlies without feeling such a drudge.

And you need more sleep and support around bedtimes and early starts. That's not fair at all. Has your DH always been this selfish and entitled?

CHILDCARE IS WORK

I'm sorry but not everyone feels like this. I don't love other people's kids but have never really felt like looking after my own two is "work". I enjoy them. Everyone is different, I love playing with lego, doing baking, things they enjoy too. It helps that mine sleep well though, so I get from 7pm onwards to myself and I'm not tired.

I'm back at work now for longer term financial reasons but find it harder & more stressful being at work than being at home with them.

And don't frame it like he's 'helping' you or doing you a favour, they are his kids too!

@gottakeeponmovin

Yes that is your job. His is to bring the money in. If you are t happy with it then you should work full time as you say. Otherwise I think you should be looking after the household

So the OP should never get a lie in, do her job 24/7 whilst the on weekends he gets to do his hobbies and ignore the children? That’s not being a stay at home parent, that’s being a skivvy and general dogsbody because the husband thinks he is somehow on a higher level because they get paid.

The SAHP should be expected to do the same job as a nanny during working hours (childcare and cleaning up after the children) and duties outside "working hours" should be shared between the parents.

This is mad. The nanny is paid that because they are not her kids. Surely the whole point is it's more enjoyable caring for your own children?!

Surely the whole point is it's more enjoyable caring for your own children?!
What can’t he take a turn looking after them at the weekend then?

The OP's "job" as a SAHP is limited to working hours (9-5 Mon-Fri or however long her DH works). Outside that, she is not a SAHP but just a parent. Since there are two parents at home, they should both share the load.

There's a whole range of reasons that don't involve being a housekeeper who has the working parent's slippers ready when they get in.

Yes, I understand that people have different ideas about why they might want a SAHP, but ultimately, both partners need to be on the same page about what the role involves. If they can't agree, then it isn't viable.

All I'm saying is that I personally wouldn't be happy to financially support a partner to SAH purely to provide childcare because I wouldn't consider it to be a fair division of labour. I appreciate that others might feel differently and that's fine, but in order for the arrangement to work, both partners have to feel that it's fair.

No. Your job is 24hrs. His isn't.

Who gets more down time?

Yes you should do the majority of stuff at home, but if youve just done 'a night shift' or pulled even an extra long 'double shift' which if you have a two year old, is common, he needs to recognise this and step the fuck up.

Today 20:10georgarinaI'd say that during the work day, SAHP should be doing the childcare and cleaning while the other parent is at work. Outside of work hours it should be equally shared.

This. It's really not hard to do a few chores between 9 & 5 with one 2 year old. At that age they might watch half an hour of tv while you cook, they will do playdo at the kitchen table with you chatting to them while you clean up.

This is mad. The nanny is paid that because they are not her kids. Surely the whole point is it's more enjoyable caring for your own children?!

In that case, the "enjoyment" should be shared 50/50 between both parents. If it is enjoyable getting up at 4.30am with a non-sleeper for the OP, then it will be enjoyable for her husband as well.

Youseethethingis

Oh I totally agree with that part, he should be pitching in with a) before and after work (taking turns to get up with them/deal with night waking etc) and b) the weekends.

Just because you are a SAHP doesn't mean all housework should fall to you.

And you shouldn't feel like you should have to go back to work just so your DH helps out more.

Decide whether you actually do want to go back to work first.

But a conversation is needed. Either he helps out more or he helps you pay for the help. It may be that he just hasn't clicked because it's all done.

Definitely think you should walk the dog if you feel like it though. You're entitled to fresh air too!!

It does make me wonder why some men bother to become fathers when they seem so reluctant to spend any time with their children at all.

@AlexaShutUp

Childcare

@Pumperthepumper, yes obviously, but it's a very inefficient way of providing childcare for one pre-school child, so personally, I wouldn't see the point if they didn't at least suck up the bulk of the domestic burden as well.

Is it? It’s surely better than paying £500 per month for childcare. Do you expect your childminder to load the dishwasher exclusively too?