SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

What were your expectations before you had children? Is it not how you thought it would be ?

Do you think that things will improve when your children are older ?

And you also said that isn’t a lifestyle you would ‘fund’ unless the parent was also doing the housework.

No, I would not have wanted to take on sole financial responsibility while my DH stayed at home with my dc purely to provide childcare. I think I am entitled to feel that and I make no apology for it. As I have explained above, that arrangement would not have been beneficial for my family.

I’m sensing you don’t see being a SAMP as valid or important enough. Certainly not important enough to do it yourself.

It wasn't important to us to have a SAHP, no. That doesn't mean that I don't think it is a valid choice for those who deem it to be important to them. It's a choice for each family, surely? And no, I wouldn't have chosen to do it myself because I grew up seeing how bored and unfulfilled my mother was as a SAHM. Again, that's a personal choice about how I want to live my own life, and not a judgement on anyone else's choices.

I don't know whether I have inadvertently touched a nerve with you @Pumperthepumper, but you seem somehow offended or annoyed by my choices. Why does it actually matter to you that I wouldn't personally have wanted to become the sole earner while retaining equal responsibility for all domestic chores? Am I not entitled to feel that way? Surely, it's between me and my DH to decide how we split tasks between us?

@AlexaShutUp

And you also said that isn’t a lifestyle you would ‘fund’ unless the parent was also doing the housework.

No, I would not have wanted to take on sole financial responsibility while my DH stayed at home with my dc purely to provide childcare. I think I am entitled to feel that and I make no apology for it. As I have explained above, that arrangement would not have been beneficial for my family.

I’m sensing you don’t see being a SAMP as valid or important enough. Certainly not important enough to do it yourself.

It wasn't important to us to have a SAHP, no. That doesn't mean that I don't think it is a valid choice for those who deem it to be important to them. It's a choice for each family, surely? And no, I wouldn't have chosen to do it myself because I grew up seeing how bored and unfulfilled my mother was as a SAHM. Again, that's a personal choice about how I want to live my own life, and not a judgement on anyone else's choices.

I don't know whether I have inadvertently touched a nerve with you @Pumperthepumper, but you seem somehow offended or annoyed by my choices. Why does it actually matter to you that I wouldn't personally have wanted to become the sole earner while retaining equal responsibility for all domestic chores? Am I not entitled to feel that way? Surely, it's between me and my DH to decide how we split tasks between us?

Again, you don’t think it’s valid because being a SAMP to you isn’t childcare. It’s some weird servant that should be grateful for the ease of being at home with a child plus all chores. Despite you not being able to do it yourself without a three way split.

It’s your tone I take issue with, and the way you’ve pushed this opinion all over the thread to an OP who is struggling with a selfish partner.

Again, you don’t think it’s valid because being a SAMP to you isn’t childcare. It’s some weird servant that should be grateful for the ease of being at home with a child plus all chores. Despite you not being able to do it yourself without a three way split.

I don't actually know what you're talking about, @Pumperthepumper. Obviously, I was not able to manage all childcare and housework on top of a demanding full time job because I was not able to be in more than one place at any given time. I am not quite sure why you think that is relevant.

I have repeatedly said that it's for others to choose how they organise their lives and split the workload within a couple. I don't understand why my preference not to be a sole earner while retaining half of the responsibility for domestic chores is not a valid choice. I don't think that a SAHP should be a servant at all, but equally, I don't see why the WOHP should not be allowed any opinions either. As I have repeatedly said, it should be a negotiation that both partners are happy with.

The OP has asked for opinions, and I have stated my personal view that (with certain exceptions) a SAHP should generally take on the bulk of the domestic load, because I don't personally think it is a very fair division of labour otherwise. However, if both partners are happy with an alternative split, then I respect that that's what works for them. I have also said that I think the WOHP should absolutely pull their weight with childcare outside their working hours, because it is important for the child to build relationships with both adults.

You are free to disagree with my opinions as much as you like, but you don't get to stop me from expressing them. Nor do you get to twist my words into something that I clearly haven't said.

I’m not sure why @ AlexaShutUp is being interrogated about this. I agree with her. We have had various moments of thinking about me staying at home. If I’d suggested I stop work and my husband needed to do half the chores he’d have thought I was taking the piss and I’d have said the same if he’d have suggested it. That doesn’t mean being a sahp isn’t valuable but for most people, there is a significant amount of flexibility to try things done or to take things a bit easier if necessary. Of course toddlers can be trying and bring a different sort of stress but in normal circumstances my days with my little ones were far nicer than my days at work. Homeschooling a 4yo while looking after a 1yo and working was quite frankly a shit show but if that was possible, I can’t see why most sahps couldn’t fit in some chores.

@AlexaShutUp

Again, you don’t think it’s valid because being a SAMP to you isn’t childcare. It’s some weird servant that should be grateful for the ease of being at home with a child plus all chores. Despite you not being able to do it yourself without a three way split.

I don't actually know what you're talking about, @Pumperthepumper. Obviously, I was not able to manage all childcare and housework on top of a demanding full time job because I was not able to be in more than one place at any given time. I am not quite sure why you think that is relevant.

I have repeatedly said that it's for others to choose how they organise their lives and split the workload within a couple. I don't understand why my preference not to be a sole earner while retaining half of the responsibility for domestic chores is not a valid choice. I don't think that a SAHP should be a servant at all, but equally, I don't see why the WOHP should not be allowed any opinions either. As I have repeatedly said, it should be a negotiation that both partners are happy with.

The OP has asked for opinions, and I have stated my personal view that (with certain exceptions) a SAHP should generally take on the bulk of the domestic load, because I don't personally think it is a very fair division of labour otherwise. However, if both partners are happy with an alternative split, then I respect that that's what works for them. I have also said that I think the WOHP should absolutely pull their weight with childcare outside their working hours, because it is important for the child to build relationships with both adults.

You are free to disagree with my opinions as much as you like, but you don't get to stop me from expressing them. Nor do you get to twist my words into something that I clearly haven't said.

I’m not twisting anything, I’ve quoted your posts. The OP isnt happy with her partner doing none of the housework, so your repetition of how easy you found a three way split in childcare plus housework probably isn’t that relevant.

The thread title is literally the OP asking whether being a SAHM means she should do pretty much everything. Multiple posters replied to say that yes, that would be the hypothetical understanding of that role in their family, and consequently they wouldn’t choose to be one or have their partner be one. For some reason you’ve chosen to single out one of those posters for repeated criticism of that response.

@MiddleParking

The thread title is literally the OP asking whether being a SAHM means she should do pretty much everything. Multiple posters replied to say that yes, that would be the hypothetical understanding of that role in their family, and consequently they wouldn’t choose to be one or have their partner be one. For some reason you’ve chosen to single out one of those posters for repeated criticism of that response.

No, Alexa responded to my post a few pages ago.

But I’ll back off now, I don’t think we’ve much left to say anyway.

I don’t think we’ve much left to say anyway.

Agreed!

And thank you @Dustyhedge and @MiddleParking, I was beginning to wonder why I was getting interrogated to quite that degree!

I’m a SAHM, working about 6 hours a week private tutoring. DCs are 23, 12 and 14.

DH works full time.

I do the vast bulk of the chores as I think this is fair.

DH takes out the rubbish, does the gardening.

I didn’t think being a sahm meant the OP should never get a lie in, get any time off and for her DH ignore the kids. Working doesn’t absolve responsibility for the house which is her current situation.

I didn’t think being a sahm meant the OP should never get a lie in, get any time off and for her DH ignore the kids.

I mean, if this is what being a SAHP means (and the converse is that the working parent is not responsible for any household chores/childcare), then the working parent is essentially a walking ATM. That's it. Their entire contribution to the household is financial. They are therefore easily ditched/superfluous if the SAHP wins the lottery or goes back to work when the children are older and becomes financially self-sufficient.

OK, I'm late to this thread due to having to deal with a domestic issue which dragged on for a few days.

Click on the See all link in your post where it says "OP's posts: See next, See all" and then print them out. Show that to your dh saying "we need to talk" because actually you do. He needs to know that his behaviour is causing resentment and if he reads all your posts he should see the light better.

Then find Cosmo9's reply and see if you can C&P ir and print that too for him to read.

Then have the conversation. If he doesn't change his behaviour after that clear indication that he really really does need to, I would either ask him to leave so you can take a bit of breathing space (he could go to his mum's couldn't he?). You need a couple of weeks apart so he can see what you do for him. Alternatively, you could go.

Separation doesn't have to be permanent, but it's sometimes really helpful to take a short break to think.

I do most things as well. I work PT and have 2 DC at school. DH works 12 hour days. I do the food planning, shopping and cooking during the week, all washing up, all the laundry, bins, all the children related stuff, all the tidying. We have a cleaner once a week. We share gardening. DH puts DC to bed more often than I do and does all DIY. He cooks at the weekend and occasionally washes up (badly). I am happy to do most chores but it's the total lack of awareness around keeping the house tidy and anything related to the children that bugs me. He even texted to ask what time school finished when I was in hospital with my dying father.