SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

Ha ha, not your dog, you're husband.

YANBU to want to go back to work.
YABU to expect him to do more housework. I don't see how that would be fair, seeing as he works full time and you're a SAHP. It sounds like he already does quite a lot.

Ah autocorrect!

We have chore sat or sun. Where everyone in the house (are kids are all primary) does chores. So dh will Hoover/mop, I clean the bathroom, dc do their bedrooms.

During the week I cook. Friday to sunday dh cooks.

If you go back to work though will you not end up juggling work plus children plus housework? I’ve never had a cleaner who’d do laundry and stuff.

To me, being a SAHM is childcare. So in the same way you wouldn’t expect your childminder to Hoover your house, any other chores should be shared.

What's your evening meal routine? Does your DH eat separately to the kids, I guess you do too if you if you don't get to eat til 9? Maybe that would be something to see if there's a change that might work, in the short term?

DP does the cooking in our house and we all eat before DD goes to bed so that naturally shares the load a bit as we are all together. Makes her bedtime a bit later than the norm (never before 8pm) but means we get to see her properly and have a play after nursery rather than it being a sprint to bath and bedtime.

You should do everything during the day while he is at work. Outside his work hours, everything should be split evenly. You have a 2yo at home so it's not like you're sat on your arse all day while he's working.

If he won't do half the chores even if you do go back to work, that's where the problem lies. I'd go back to work and make it absolutely clear to him that doing half of everything is non-negotiable. Just leave him to it. Walk out the door in the morning with the dog and leave him to get the kids breakfast and get them to school. Get up early at the weekend and go out for a run on "your" lie-in day at the weekend so he has to see to the children. If it's his turn to cover a sick day, don't even discuss it - say "It's your turn so this one's for you" and walk out. If he's not pulling his weight with the housework, stop cooking for him or doing his laundry. Hopefully he'll soon get the message that you need to be a team and that there isn't an opt-out.

@RandomUsernameHere

YANBU to want to go back to work. YABU to expect him to do more housework. I don't see how that would be fair, seeing as he works full time and you're a SAHP. It sounds like he already does quite a lot.

Does a lot? How have you reached that conclusion. Repairs and gardens are not everm weekly. Bins are what once a week? So what exactly is he doing for you to consider that a lot?

Bollocks to that.

In my view a SAHM works working and commuting hours. Outside those hours, everything - childcare and domestic - is shared.

When we both WOH FT, we shared the main weekly house-cleaning tasks at the weekend. I have seen no reason to alter that during my time as a SAHM. Sure, I keep the dishwasher and washing machine ticking over, clean up after myself and make the place presentable for daytime visitors. But I have seen no reason to take on extra floor or bathroom cleaning, when I'm supposed to be entertaining children.

I'm a sahm and our system is that we both get up, the day is spent attending to everything that demands your attention. Once we are both home we have both been busy for however many hours, if there is anything that still requires attention either of us will tackle it pretty much equally. That's fair.
With your DC being the age they are, there will be a lot of domestic tasks which just don't get the attention they otherwise would, this is normal, and mopping up the remains between you makes you a team.
This depends on no-one taking the Mickey and slacking off when no-one is looking knowing that the other will take the strain, but you know, you don't do that to someone you love unless you're a dick.
So I think it's rubbish that anything domestic is yours regardless, even if that means you work longer than he does.

I am a sahm after having worked in the city in a high pressure environment for 15 years. My husband works for himself now in the same industry I was in, so I have a full appreciation of what a stressful nightmare it is. He earns the money, I do everything else- all school runs, all cooking, cleaning, bins, garden, home admin. I see it as my territory now and would be a bit annoyed if he got the mower out, as I’m sure he would be if I decided to call one of his clients. I find the split easier than having resentment about him not pulling his weight. I still have a lot of time to see friends/ run / go to the gym or whatever. We are both quite happy to live in a house of open drawers, scuffed skirting and dusty corners though, which probably helps.

Going back to work doesn’t solve the problem. He has a bad attitude and expects you to support him working while you are doing all the childcare, mental
Load in relation kids and home and yet he won’t support you , doesn’t allow you a lie in. I would be having a conversation about your frustrations. Because if that continued for me I would be getting a new job so I can plan to leave. I would rather be a tired lone parent that deal with a bloke who treated me like the hired help.

Also, I think it's excellent practice and an example to children, to get them joining in with 'family cleaning' at the weekend, when everyone pulls their weight. The message that none of us enjoys doing this but it gets done faster if we all do our bit, is a powerful one.

I don’t think that’s too bad given your youngest is 2. Different if a baby. But if you’re resentful get a job and then make clear to DH he will need to do an equal share.

@squishmittens

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

When he takes the dog for a walk he should be taking one or both children with him routinely.

He should cook at least two weekday nights and one weekend night a week, make lunch at least two weekdays and one weekend day.

He should sort out anything relating to both children before 9am on at least two weekdays - dressing, breakfast, school drop off.

So mornings, evenings and weekends are shared childcare. Weekdays 9-5 you do childcare. Domestic chores like washing cloths, dishes etc can reasonably be done during the working week.

But evenings and weekends he should be doing the bulk of the childcare so you have a break from them. And if he takes the kids with him when walking the dog twice each day that also gives you some time alone. Maybe encourage very long dog walks on weekends.

I think the important thing here is that you feel like it’s unfair and that your partner doesn’t seem to care how you feel.

As a SATP the majority of house and life admin does fall to you but it shouldn’t be that he gets to lie in every morning and you have to pick up all the childcare even when he’s not at work.

Essentially you’re not happy with it and you need to be able to discuss this like adults. If he refuses then I don’t really know where that leaves you.

Personally I would go back to work, kids in childcare, the bill split 50/50. The drop offs and pick ups split 50/50 and the housework split accordingly.
If your DP doesn’t pick up his share then I’d stop cooking for him, doing his washing or doing anything which only benefits him - like I wouldn’t bother buying his favourite snacks or beer in
The weekly shop etc.
It sounds petty but it really isn’t. You’re a team and for that to work you both have to play your part. If he is refusing to or refuses to when you go back to work then I would act like he’s off the team.

I’d lose all respect for a man who lies in bed every day whilst I get up with the kids despite being up through the night. It is pure selfishness. Just get the fuck up one morning and make your wife a cup of tea and throw the tv on for the kid. What a total loser he is. I hope this friends and family know how obnoxious he is

He’s clearly taking the piss but cleaner twice a week? That’s a bit much. DH and I have 2 kids, 9 and 4, work full time with no cleaner and our house is clean we just pick up after ourselves, clean kitchen after every meal, do a proper clean of bathrooms once a week, sweep floors every other day, wash bedding once a week. It’s clean but not a show home.

It’s not that we can’t afford one, we had one but the house would start to get messy about 5 minutes after the cleaner had left and I’d get pissed off so we decided to let her go. You don’t need a cleaner twice a week.

To me it's all about equal leisure time. If your DH works 8 hours a day then you should work 8 hours a day, anything that spills over this is split between you. You should be sharing chores at the weekend. I don't agree that going back to work is the answer for you unless you really really want to, because your DH sounds like the type who will still expect you to do all the housework/admin and it can be terribly hard to do all of those things with a full time job.

I was a SAHM for many years and I would not have found your situation acceptable. He should definitely not be getting all the lie-ins, DH and I used to split these at the weekend. DH and I had a few rows about sharing chores but we eventually sorted it out so we would take turns unloading the dishwasher, cooking, etc... at the weekend.

And once lockdown is over you should start going out without him once a week, let him do the whole bedtime routine occasionally so you get a break!

No, it should be treated like a job IMO. You do it all during the working day and once there's two adults at home the parenting is split.

Housework should be mostly done by you in the week as you're home and can do it with the DC there. But the weekends should be both of you doing the day to day stuff.

The thing is this doesn't work with husbands like yours, he obviously has a different (sexist) idea of what a SAHM should be. In your shoes I would most definitely go back to work. I know it's shit when you want to stay at home with your LO but the resentment will become unbearable and your marriage will most likely breakdown (going by my anecdotal experience!)

Worth discussing it and seeing if he can understand you POV and change his ways but it's probably unlikely if this has been going on for four years.

Isn't the key thing how much down the you get? How come he gets mornings and evening doing what he wants but you get no free time? That's on top of the broken nights. The dog walking could be negotiated as to if it counts as 'work' of down time but otherwise the maths should be streight forward. He can't argue with maths surely if you say how come you get 6hours per day of free time and I get 1 or whatever.

If he argues that your work is easy then even more reason that he can get involved. Ditto if your work is too hard.

No reason dh can get up earlier. Sling both kids into double buggy and walk the dog

What happens at weekends? Do you get alone time/ time to walk with a friend? Once both DC are at school, do you plan to work or stay at home? I worked part time after having DC and once they were both at school, I found I had so much more free time than DH who worked full time so it kind of levelled out the years when I had very little free time. I have to say though, even when the kids were small, I always had down time on weekends and went out to do a hobby one evening in the week otherwise I think I would have felt resentful.

@Eleganz thankfully mine v similar

SAHPs do all the childcare during working hours.
WOHPs do all the money earning during working hours.
Everything else that needs taken care of outside of working hours should be be 50/50. So childcare/housework/life admin. Each partner should get equal down time.
It cannot only be seen as work when the WOHP is expected to do it.
It’s either work all the time (in which case what kind of bellend would expect their partner to work so many more hours than they do?) Or it’s relaxing and restful all the time (in which case why doesn’t the WOHP want to relax too - by doing the washing up, cleaning the bathroom etc?)

If I was a sahm I'd probably expect to do the majority of things. But then the only job my DP does is take the wheelie bin out. That's it. I work 30 hours a week