SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

Op its hard. Going back work as tough you have face it in the evenings. I did find stay home hard there no switch off from it. Bit easier once they at school. I do most stuff here but they teens now

Imagine a woman working full-time and then using her holiday days to lie in bed, walk the dog and play golf rather than spending time with and helping with her children. It's hard to, isn't it?

Just tell him it’s time he started pulling his weight because it’s embarrassing to you that you are married to someone who is so lazy and inconsiderate.

Inform him that you will be doing the clothes washing for you and the children. Not him. He can sort his own laundry. And that you will provide meals for the children when they are in your care (mon-fri 9-5) so now he must sort out half of their breakfasts and half their evening meals. Including meal planning. Let him know he needs to provide you with a shopping list for his meals a week in advance. Decide between you whether you will all eat the same meals or if the children are sorted and you eat later.

And as others have said start food shopping for only what you want to eat. If he wants stuff he can put it on the list. No shaving foam or deodorant or beer unless he asks.

Just stop doing it all. You do have a choice.

If you are up at 6 everyday and he’s up 8 for work then a lay in. He’s having least 14h more sleep a week. That’s two nights! Plus all the disturbed sleep you see having. That would be my first goal. Least both get same
Amount of sleep. No wonder you have had enough.

@squishmittens

I don't think the current split is fair because my day starts at 6am and continues until 9pm, when I sit down to eat and watch tv. My toddler doesn't nap and I pick up my 4 year old at 3pm, so there is no point during the day when I am alone. Both kids get up at least once each in the night and the 4 year old sleeps on my side of the bed every night, so I haven't had a full nights sleep in nearly 5 years.

DH gets up at 8:00am - straight out the door to walk the dog and then to work in his garden office. He comes back at 6pm, walks the dog and then sits down for the evening.

I just find my life utterly relentless and I'm starting to resent the difference.

If I was married to your h I'd expect him to:

Get up with the rest of the family.
Help with breakfast, getting kids changed etc. 20 mins or so he'd be in sole charge so I could shower
Walk dog at 8am
Wfh
Presumably kids have eaten by 6:30 so he wouldn't help with that.
If his dinner is leftovers then he'd eat.
If kids haven't changed, bathed etc then he'd help with that.
After the kids are asleep he'd be free.

The 4 years olds sleep needs to be addressed. Speak to school, health visitor or go. What are the anxieties, you need to know how to address them.

On my days off I would do all that you have described although my dh will feed the kids dinner, do bed and bath time sometimes for one child sometimes for both. If I have cooked he will wash the dishes, dry and put them away. I know that I am appreciated but you clearly don't feel as you are. You need to tell him that, fair enough you do the bulk of the work during his working hours but once work is finished he has to get on board with family life. I wouldn't accept his behaviour, why are you?

Communicate with each other and spell out how you feel. If he isn't willing to change then that will be your biggest issue. You don't want to be in a situation where you are working outside of the home only to come in and be expected to do everything whilst he walks the dog.

I think you have a separate issue with your kids sleep issues.

In our house when I was off work the approach was pretty simple - any time both are home "childcare" is split - so DH was hands on in the mornings before work and at bedtime. With one 2 year old at home I would think you can get most of the basic cleaning, cooking & tidying done during the day while DH works? Children that age just come along with you while you do such chores - matching socks while you do laundry, "cooking" with toy pans etc and chatting while you cook. Toy hoover is essential and they hoover with you! That is entertaining and educating a 2 year old

I stayed at home with ds1 until he was 2 then went back to work for 2 years part time and currently on mat leave with ds2 so have done a mixture but tbh chores stayed similar throughout. DH works full time, from home for the past year.

DH does the food shop, makes most of the meals, does the dishwasher a couple of times a week, cleans up after his cooking most of the time and will occasionally run the hoover round and does the morning nursery run 3x a week.

I do all of the rest of the housework (fortnightly cleaner for 2 hours which helps a bit), all of the laundry, tidying playroom, dusting, hoovering etc., do nearly all of the childcare as I'm breastfeeding baby ds and ds1 is only in nursery part time, dh does take ds1 out at the weekend if we're not going out as a family somewhere and they'll play together in the house when he's not working. I do the afternoon nursery run 3x a week.

We have an unspoken rule that neither of us sits down til both kids are in bed and the house is tidied up for the evening / all chores done. We run a tight ship and we both get to relax for a couple of hours in the evening.

My question would be why are you letting him lay in bed until 10 and sit watching TV etc when he’s on annual leave . You’ve allowed him to get away with treating you like crap , if you act like a doormat people will wipe their feet on you .

Oh and to clarify DH would be doing as much as me on a weekend when both ar home, helping with cooking and chores etc.

Definitely go back to work OP. It's the only way a guy like this will do their fair share.

Why are you not having any lie ins? Why are you basically not getting any evening? Why is he not doing any night wake ups, even at the weekend? More importantly, why are you putting up with this?

Christ I've just noticed you said he lies in bed after the kids are up! That's terrible. We don't do lie ins except perhaps a pre-arranged one due to having a night out in normal times. If one of us feels like we need extra sleep then we go to bed early.

My take is a bit different. If your kids are in school/childcare, then certainly lion's share for sahm. If you're looking after v little ones, it can often be one step forward, three steps back trying to get house stuff done, so only time to do it is after they're in bed or there's someone else around. Both have done a full day's work - just different.

CHILDCARE IS WORK. It's just worse than paid work in that it's not fucking paid (and often harder). Outside of his work hours, everything else should be split. Anyone who says otherwise has swallowed the toxic kool aid.

Omg, read your updates and I'm horrified for you. What a blind and selfish twat he is. You need to disappear for a week at least and show him, if he still doesn't appreciate your life he's a lost cause. Christ that's shit! And no you're not just fed up of lockdown, that deal is one anyone would be fed up of anytime.

Personally I think that sounds about right for Monday - Friday as a SAHP. Although maybe one cooks and the other washes up would make it a bit fairer.

But on the weekend and when he's off work I'd expect things like tidying and childcare to be shared.

Personally I went back to work part time. Put my DD in nursery and got a cleaner. I found myself begrudging spending all my time doing housework and childcare. Now on the days I'm off I'm not exhausted and thinking about cleaning meaning I can focus on spending quality time with DD.

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work. As the main breadwinner, I wouldn't consider it a fair deal otherwise.

I totally get why you wouldn't want to take on all the drudge work, though, so I would go back to work if I were you.

@AlexaShutUp

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work. As the main breadwinner, I wouldn't consider it a fair deal otherwise.

I totally get why you wouldn't want to take on all the drudge work, though, so I would go back to work if I were you.

Childcare.

So essentially you never get any time off where as the evenings and weekends for him are filled with stuff he wants to do, rather than stuff that needs doing which includes parenting. He sounds like a selfish prick to be honest. He is perfectly happy for your life to be exhausting as it makes his easy.

Just seen your updates, he needs to be doing at least 3 of the mornings each week!

9-6 is your childcare and housework time, outside of those hours it should be shared.

@AlexaShutUp

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work. As the main breadwinner, I wouldn't consider it a fair deal otherwise.

I totally get why you wouldn't want to take on all the drudge work, though, so I would go back to work if I were you.

To save the FAMILY c.£70 a day in nursery fees perhaps

@juliainthedeepwater

CHILDCARE IS WORK. It's just worse than paid work in that it's not fucking paid (and often harder). Outside of his work hours, everything else should be split. Anyone who says otherwise has swallowed the toxic kool aid.

The most exhausting work! When I went back to work full time, I had my commute, my lunch hr in peace, when I came home I would take over my child’s bath time etc, could hang up a wash, hoover if needed.

If being at home with under 5s is such a breeze it’s amazing more men don’t jump at the chance to do it!

You don’t get a lie in because he doesn’t value what you do, or I imagine if you did have a lie in he would sabotage it.

TBH, I don't see the point in having a SAHP if they don't suck up the bulk of the domestic work
Stay At Home PARENT. Not Stay At Home Cleaner/Housekeeper/Dogsbody.