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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my dp to go out?

142 replies

Bezi · 09/11/2007 21:25

my dp has just gone out to town, it was a last minute decision and I now cant help but be annoyed about it and also feel guilty for being annoyed. I dont think I'd mind so much but he`s been out every weekend for the past 4 weeks bar 1. what makes it worse is the last time he went out he didnt get in until 9am without no phonecalls since 4pm the previous day, I was furious to say the least!!

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 11/11/2007 22:25

DaddyJ, it was friendly at the beginning,t hen she started to tell everyone her home life was practically perfect and there were no problems, yet everyone had just read her accounts of her 'problems' a few posts before.

SaintGeorge · 11/11/2007 22:28

In that case I will re-read the thread DaddyJ, because I don't recall any personal abuse.

People have tried to point out that haychee's partner has an alcohol problem and that she may have relationship issues.

Haychee has denied this, at length. Fair enough. Then she denied the denial. That is when it got a little confusing.

Still don't recall any abuse though.

hayCHingleBells · 11/11/2007 22:28

But there are no FREAKIN problems!!!

Arrrghhh, this is making my haed hurt.

IT WAS 10-12 YEARS AGO!!!?

Hello? am i speaking in another language or what.

Normal everyday occurrance! Yes i spill tea on dp everyday, yes he drinks every night and wakes up everyday on someone elses sofa. Yes i punch the living daylights out of hime every day and dc watch.

I bet you can hear me now?! Am i talking your language now?

DaddyJ · 11/11/2007 22:45

As much as I respect some of the MN veterans
who, I am sure with the best of intentions,
took haychee to task,
referring to her past posts on other threads
hinted at another, unfriendly agenda behind the 'helpful advice'.

SuzieSweep · 11/11/2007 22:47

hayCHingleBells - u r nuts.

SaintGeorge · 11/11/2007 22:53

Ah, well there you have me DaddyJ. Any hints, references to other threads, or unfriendly agendas have passed me by.

My comments were all based purely on my reading of this thread and haychee's postings on it.

DeathBySnooSnoo · 11/11/2007 23:14

'Domestic abuse??

That is an insult to anyone who has
actually experienced real abuse.'

TOSSER

i do not insult myself.i spent 4 years being ounched on a regular basis by my xp.but if he had only ever done it once i would still have been living in fear,he still would have been controlling me.

DeathBySnooSnoo · 11/11/2007 23:20

oh,and my alcohol problem was years ago when i was with my xp and after we split up.i havent had a drink since my wedding day,and that was the first one in many months.

there was one reference from expat to past threads.apart from that the only personal comments have come from haychee suggesting other posters have drink problems and such.

pmsl.

DaddyJ · 11/11/2007 23:34

StG, DeathBSS read this thread more carefully than you
but as I said it did move very fast.

DeathBSS, this is obviously a matter close to your heart
and you just confirm what I said in my earlier post:
please don't project your past issues onto someone else.

Particularly not in such a unhelpful manner.

DaddyJ · 11/11/2007 23:38

an unhelpful manner!

Btw, what happened to the op..?

Bezi · 12/11/2007 11:24

Well this thread has certainly escalated into something else, think everyones being a bit harse on Haychi, but then again you prob think I think that because I am in a similar relationship. We are going on holiday tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it, yes we do have some issues but I'm sure they can be resolved, dp knows he was in the wrong and if it happens again thats it he's out the door. I still dont no whether whats hes said has been lies or not but we've got to be grown up enough to work through this, and he knows he needs to regain my trust. Thanks for all your words of wisdom.

OP posts:
SuzieSweep · 12/11/2007 11:35

Bezi - hope you enjoy your hols and work things out with your DP. But remember if he does it again tell him you will not put up with it any longer, and if that means kicking him out the house for good then so be it.

hayCHingleBells · 12/11/2007 14:22

Bezi
Its not that cut and dry i know.
But you can threaten him with it, i bet he wont want you to go (leave him i mean).

Scare him into believing your confident enough to do it.
(it was at this point in my earlier posts that everything went mad on here, all i was trying to say was that. Show him your confidence and clarity on the issue, i did that by throwing tea over mine and another time i punched him, it was a long time ago and it had dramatic effects - i dont mean that you should do the same but make damn sure by whatever means you see fit to get your boundaries set in STONE)

And dont let him beleive that he can get away with lying to you. Make sure he knows you wont stand for it. If you ever find out again about any lying that will be that...sort of thing.

I do feel, that alot of what others have said on here could be the end result if your dp carries on treating you like he did this weekend. You will undoubtedly resent him for it too. The relationship will break down. And i guess he would end up drinking more and more and lying more and more.

I hope you have a good time away as a family, it might do him good to see you all enjoying yourselves as a unit together.

I still say that showing him that you can still be fun after the birth of the lo would be a good way forwards. Maybr he has forgotton who you are and needs to be reminded why he fell for you in the first place.

Its not all doom and gloom as some on here have suggested, because he has done it this once, doesnt mean he will do it for the rest of his life and worse. There is still hope and a chance to get it all sorted. But its down to you, i beleive to keep him inline.

Good luck.

VictorianSqualor · 12/11/2007 17:38

Bezi, I hope you have agood holiday, I just wanted to add that as you have said if he does it again he is out, you need to stick to that.
Empty threats will not make any difference, I hope you can work it out, but sometimes it will take that actual kick out the door for them to realise you will.
x

SEME · 13/11/2007 20:37

Look it isn't wrong for him to go in.
not even if its every weekend.
but it is wrong to come home at 9.00 am the next morning.
I USED TO DREAD THE BUILD UP TO THE WEEKEND... ( I USED TO SAY TO MYSELF .... HE IS GOING TO ASK ME IF ITS ALRIGHT?)...

so let him go out.

just do it.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, and talk to him if he comes in later that he told you he would. IT STILL LOVES YOU, hes just shattered, it just the way guys deal with it . IT WONT LAST LONG BELIEVE ME, BUT IT WILL TAKE A FEW WEEKS....

xxxx

SEME · 13/11/2007 20:39

YEAH I JUST NOTICED THE SPELLING MISTAKES.

DaddyJ · 13/11/2007 21:21

Bezi, I am glad you got some decent advice out of this
rather kafkaesque thread.

Hope things work out for you two.
Negotiate and negotiate hard!

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