To not want my dp to go out?

[Bezi]

my dp has just gone out to town, it was a last minute decision and I now cant help but be annoyed about it and also feel guilty for being annoyed. I dont think I'd mind so much but he`s been out every weekend for the past 4 weeks bar 1. what makes it worse is the last time he went out he didnt get in until 9am without no phonecalls since 4pm the previous day, I was furious to say the least!!

Expat I was about to write the same thing!

Expat

I appreciate what your saying, but its not as bad ast it sounds.
Dp does drink too much and i have likened him to an alcoholic myself. But i know others who are far far worse.
1 guy for instance doesnt work because of his addiction, spend his benefits on white lightening and drinks from morning to night.

Yeah ok, my dp likes a drink most days but would leave it out for the sake of the family. I dont really have a problem with him having a beer each evening (1or2), but its the going out until he cant drink anymore that i struggle to comprehend.

My dc do not see their daddy as a lousy drunk who sleeps all and every weekend. Quite the opposite actually.
Today i am working from 11-8 and he is planning to bake cakes, help them with their reading books and watch family films.
Daddy is a fun guy, in fact more fun when he has had a drink!
He is NEVER has NEVER been violent or aggressive in any way. If there is anybody in our house that is that way inclined its me!

Its not as bad as it seems, far from it.
He does drink, i dont.
I knew who he was before i proceeded to commit with having children with him. We are his priority - big time.
Which is what i was trying to say to bezi.
She should feel the same, that she and he dc are the priority in her partners life. And what she is describing is that they are not.
She wants to give the relationship a chance for the sake of her dc, that is perfectly acceptable to me.
Imo, her man needs a kick up the arse to make him realise he cant carry on like that anymore. Either he commits to her and they agree boundaries or she splits from him. If it is meant to be it will work out, if not it wont.
She needs to know that there are others who can live like this quite happily and she needs to decide if she can cope with it. And how far she is willing to let him push it.

I DO appreciate what your saying expat. Its not the best, to be brought up around this type of thing, but in my case i am 110% happy and my dc are not unduly affected by his shenannigans.
If i ever said no, idont want you going out he wouldnt go. But that isnt fair to say that all of the time, so i let him go. Give and take and all that.

"Daddy is a fun guy, in fact more fun when he has had a drink!"

I'm so sorry Haychee but that sentence is classic speak of those married to alcoholics.
Also the whole he doesn't drink white lightning from morning til midnight. That is not the only form of alcholism.

Blimey what a sad & awful thread, i feel for both of you i really do.

Luckily my dp does not drink & does not go out pissing it up down pubs, if he was like any of your 2's dp/dh's he would be out the door, i could not live like that.

Haychee your posts scream denial at me, i don't think your being 100% honest here, i think it annoys you more than you will let on.

I also agree the sentance that states "Daddy is a fun guy, in fact more fun when he has had a drink" is a very sad situation.

Just because someone is not drinking alchol from morning to night & sitting at home on benefits to do it, it does not mean they are an alchoholic.

My sistes dh is an alchoholic in total denial, he has a fab high earned job but he has to have a drink eveyday, over time those drinks have become more & more but you question him & he laughs it off.

Saying you know & trust him 110% is a bit pathetic too, you don't KNAO because you are not there, you should never trust anyone 110%.

I feel sorry for you both i really do

I also think expats post is bang on.

No denial at all.

I dont approve of his habit, but dont consider him to be entirely addicted. He is more addicted than you or i, but that is the norm for him and his family. Number one rule is the priority to the family. No adulterous behavior is accepted by him or his dad. They often speak of mates etc who do do this, and the way they speak of them is nit pleasant.

I KNOW he isnt that way, its only about the beer, not girlies.

Dp went out friday night, after he had asked me 1st. He went out in his work gear (builder) stinking of B.O and grimey from working on site all day.
He doesnt go out all dressed up and smelling and looking fresh in order to attract any girls. He likes to spend time with other blokes and stays in the same dull pub all night.

When i said hes more fun after a beer, i meant barbeques etc that weve had and theyve ended up as a kids/adults party. My girls love this. Dancing and playing etc with family friends.

Honestly im not in denial and im not in any way upset by any of his drinking behaviour. When i say, thats enough he stops. When i say i dont want him to go out, he doesnt go, no questions, no hassle no arguements.

He is a good guy. Who likes a drink. He loves us, we come 1st everytime.

I know im not there and i cant be 100% sure what he is up to when he is out. But i know his mates i know tham as well as i do him. I know mostly what he talks about when he is out is either work or us.

And, i was cheated on in my previous relationship. I know what it feels like - everyone else knew but me. It was terrible. I was cut to the core.

I will not let that happen to me again. If i ever get an idea that something is going on or has happened he will be out the door for good. I will not tolerate it.

Its more to do with give and take, on the going out score. Isnt that what relatinships are made of, that and trust and love.

We love eachother.
We trust eachother.
We do give and take.

Gosh, you poor thing,bezi. You need to sort this out or you are going to end up downright miserable and that will have an affect on you ds. It's easier said then done, though, I know - the prospect of being on your own with a young baby is not welcoming, but it seems that you are almost in that situation now for all the support he gives.
Haychee -The father of my first was an alcoholic but it took me a long time to wise up and kick him out - I was always making excuses for him and denying the problem was as bad as it was - and, yes, he too could be a good dad when he had to be or felt like it. We split up a while ago and, tragically, he died last year - he bled to death because of liver failure due to alcoholism. He was just 31. My ds (aged 9 at the time) was devastated but, thankfully, by this point I had met and married a fantastic man who was brilliant with my ds and really helped him get through it. I don't want to be dramatic, but alcoholism can destroy lives and I would hate to think of any child going through what my ds did. I really think you need to talk to your dp about the amount he drinks.

Big hugs to you both xxx

Oh, i couldnt kick him out. For what? I love him and he loves me.
He enjoys spending time with other men, talking man stuff. Hed love it if i went out with him, but my god ive done that and its sooooo boring!
We enjoy talking to other mums on mn, same difference. I will sit here for hours disregarding dps needs and dc. He does the same but its in a bar.

He never goes out to the shop and doesnt return as ive seen and others have described. He does have periods where he doesnt have a drink at all.

Perhaps ive made it sound worse than it is.

Haych, did you read my account earlier of my exdp?? I used to say exactly the same thing as you do, he would be home mon-thurs, and when he did go out it was in his work gear, he also wasnt the type of guy who would get sexual when drunk!
But he is an alcoholic, alcohol was a problem, I never realised just how much until we had split up and his relationship with our children became non-existent.
I hope for your sake that it is a good relationship, but I have never met a man that would stay out all hours that was putting his family first, and I used to be friends with a great deal of drinkers.

haychee, do you think "punching him in the face" is the ideal solution to your problem? If he were to punch you in the face and make you sleep on the trampoline would there be almighty uproar on mumsnet? Damn right there would! You are in an abusive co-dependant relationship, and it seems to make you happy. What you describe does not fit my ideal of love. If you love someone, you do not do things that you know will hurt them (be it punching in the face or going out and getting bladdered every night). It sounds to me like you enjoy the situation, if he's not around you don't see each other and don't have to face the fact that you may not actually like each other, let alone love each other. Alcoholics cannot love anyone other than the bottle they drink from. I'm talking from experience, FIL has a big drink problem, and I have seen him slowly lose everything over the last 13 years: 2 wives, 2 homes, majority of his family and many many friends. He now only has dh and myself and our kids, but he is on a slow road to destroying that too. Until these men wakeup and sort themselves out you will always suffer the consequences (and nothing you can say or do will change them, it is a choice they alone have to make).
Good Luck, you'll need it!

feel a bit sorry for haychee here! think she was just venting frustrations not needing everyone jumping down her throat with accusations of alcoholism

mrsaek-excellent post!

i dont feel sorry for haychee-she has admitted to punching her dp in the face and i have no repect for people who abuse their parners,i think she should be ashamed of herself but she seems to be proud of her behaviour.it disgusts me.

Bezi - whats happening? Where was you DP til 6am?

'feel a bit sorry for haychee here! think she was just venting frustrations not needing everyone jumping down her throat with accusations of alcoholism '

let's see, can't stop drinking till he's pissed and can't go a night without alcohol.

sounds like more than an accusation to me.

sorry for haychee? i feel sorry for the kids who have to live with an alcoholic father and a mother who physically assaults her partner.

Expat- you seem quite the expert here so Correct me if I am wrong but isn't there a difference between a dependent drinker and an alcoholic?

Doesn't an alcoholic get up in the morning and drink alchohol or feel the need to wheras a dependent drinker feel they have to have a drink every night(probably habbit) or when they are with work colleagues/mates. So what is the difference in your opinion ? You seem to class anyone that drinks more than a glass of beer/wine a night an alcoholic.

'Doesn't an alcoholic get up in the morning and drink alchohol or feel the need to '

Absolutely not! I was a high-functioning alcoholic who didn't need to drink alcohol in the morning.

What a myth! Along with the idea that you're not an alcoholic if you're holding down a job.

'You seem to class anyone that drinks more than a glass of beer/wine a night an alcoholic. '

LOL! I've been around this board a long, long time. And that statement just makes me laugh because it's so flagrantly untrue, not to mention I'll never for the life of me figure out how you deduced that from my posts on this thread.

Gawd, what's happened to this board lately?

We're talking about people here who go out all night and get so pissed they come home the next day still drunk.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

as long as you get to go out and he rings to tell you roughly what time he will be home then yes. if not no.

sorry everyone - total hijack - expat are you still here?
If you are, I want to apologise for that thread. You know the one. I'm not sure if you were still there when I apologised on it, but I am so ashamed and worried and its being going round and round in my head. I just wanted to say I am sorry, it was an overreaction, and I hope you won't have me down as an unreasonable cow for ever as a result .

{{{{end of hijack}}}}

Oh good grief.
Give me strength.
These people namely expat & deathby seriously have no idea what they are talking about.
I punched dp once cos he seriously pissed me off! So im physically abusive because of one incident that has never reocccurred. And my dc suffer too because i did that at 3am and they where safe and snug and totally unaware!

Dp has a drink 1/2 cans per night. Not every night but most evenings - so that makes him an alcoholic and therefore i dont love him.

Please!

I love my dp dearly and he loves me too. Just because he likes a drink doesnt mean he is a cheater or in love with the bottle.

You have blinkered ideas of RL, it should be as you percieve it/live it or it is not worth it.

Seriously, you dont know what your talking about, either that or you havnt read my posts entirely.

I have been at work all day. Dp has taken dc on a bike ride, cleaned the house, made rock cakes with dc, cooked dinner and not had a drop to drink. He bought me flowers this morning, made me breakfast before i left for work. Does this sound like an alcoholic to you?? As Mearsk says :"Alcoholics cannot love anyone other than the bottle they drink from."
MY DP IS NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.
HE IS A BUILDER. A VERY LOVING MAN. NONE OF YOU KNOW HIM SO HOW CAN YOU COMMENT ON THE LEVEL OF HIS DEPENDENCY?

Seriously i wouldnt be with someone who obviously loved drink more than me or dc.
Just because he goes out once or twice a month (after checking with me and if i said no he wouldnt go) doesnt make him the person you are all making him to be.

There is such a thing as level ground, a happy medium. Its not either all one way or another.

Get a grip ladies please.

I think expat thinks she is the expert when it comes to drinking alcohol.

haychinglebells - Your blokes sounds more of a habit drinker than an alcoholic and lots are.

I still woudln't put up with my bloke coming in all hours drunk though .

Dp has a drink 1/2 cans per night. Not every night but most evenings - so that makes him an alcoholic and therefore i dont love him.

Haychee, have you read your earlier posts?

he goes out till he can't drink anymore and passes out in someone's chair.

you've thrown cups of tea over him, punched him in the face and threatened to leave him a couple of times.

you've even said:
'Dp does drink too much and i have likened him to an alcoholic myself. But i know others who are far far worse.'

but now all of the sudden it's just a can or a half can a night.

yeah, okay.

'I think expat thinks she is the expert when it comes to drinking alcohol.'

No, Suzie, and nowhere did I say that.

But I understand that when people get angry when things are pointed out about themselves that they don't like to admit so they lash out.

EXPAT
I was writing those things to show bezi that she can stand up for herself as i did in our early days.

Those things are a long time ago. A very long time ago.
By having done thise things, dp realised that enough was enough, he had to buckle under and be a grown up. I wasnt going to stand for what bezis dp is trying on.

Id rather he stayed out if hes well pissed. I acnt stand the talking. So yes, i dont mind if he drinks so much that he falls asleep in someone elses chair - i dont mind at all!
I dont like him when he is drunk, it irritates me. So he can do that elsewhere cos i dont want to see it.
He does this once a month twice is rare. I can live with that, no worries.

He maybe has one or two cans of beer of an evening watching tv - so? Big deal!

I did call him an alcoholic once, but i didnt really mean it. Like i said i do know others far worse, real alcoholics who have white lightening for breakfast cant hold down a job etc etc.

Why do you feel the need to attack me soo aggressively for my life? As that is what it is, my life not YOURS!
I am an adult, a very sensible sound minded, well grounded adult who knows right from wrong, i know i love my dp, i know he loves me, i know he likes a drink and i know what he gets up to when he is out.
I also know it is not right to belittle someone else just as you are doing to me.

take a load off, haychee.

you've done more than your share of attacking people and being terribly vicious in other threads.

if you find it belittling when you come on here and write about how he stays out all night, then sleeps on and off all day and is grumpy and someone points out that that's not really on behaviour - or the norm for most, either - then so be it.

but of course, you wrote it all just to cheer someone up and it's not really bad at all.

sure, if you say so.

Like you said Expat, Denial!
Haychee You can only backpeddle if what you are peddling from isn't written down in HTML for all to see. Obviously suits you to live in the style that you do, but the fallout when it all goes wrong will not be pretty (not just for you, but for everyone who is involved). Get a grip on reality and do something productive with yourself........ seek some sort of help to change whats happening. You can only be "the strong one" for so long. It will wear you down until you cannot recognise yourself.....would you normally punch someone in the face? Or is it a by product of the situation you are living in (not that it in any way excuses violence, but frustration shows in a lot of ways). However you look at it, from what you have written this relationship has big problems.