To not want my dp to go out?

[Bezi]

my dp has just gone out to town, it was a last minute decision and I now cant help but be annoyed about it and also feel guilty for being annoyed. I dont think I'd mind so much but he`s been out every weekend for the past 4 weeks bar 1. what makes it worse is the last time he went out he didnt get in until 9am without no phonecalls since 4pm the previous day, I was furious to say the least!!

I think you are seriously deluded HCB if you think all this has no effect on your children. That's the main point as I see of Expat's comments.

It is a total myth that alcoholics have to drink every day or in the morning. Many can stop for a period of time & function apparently normally. It's the staying stopped that is a problem - they always start again.

But there are lots of people who like to tell themselves 'all alcoholics drink in the mornings' in order to reassure themselves that they or their partners don't have a drink problem - 'I can't be an alcoholic because I'm not as bad as x'.

Another way to look at it is to say what is alcohol costing me. Does it affect my relationships, my attitudes to others, my reliability etc.

Or to do the AA online questionnaire.

It really isn't about drinking in the morning!

Expertinscotland

What have i ever said that was viscous?

You said,"if you find it belittling when you come on here and write about how he stays out all night, then sleeps on and off all day and is grumpy and someone points out that that's not really on behaviour - or the norm for most, either - then so be it."

No that is not belittling.

You also said "sorry for haychee? i feel sorry for the kids who have to live with an alcoholic father and a mother who physically assaults her partner."

You also said "what kind of example is that of a parent, who stays out all night getting pissed over and over again, comes home pissed every weekend. what kind of life is that for a kid, growing up with a drunk for a parent?
because they won't see it as, 'oh, mum and dad. so loving.'
more like, 'hello, i'm so f*cked up now because my dad was a lousy drunk and my mother put up with it and instead of being a dad he was laid up in bed hungover."

Does that sound belittling to you???
Attacking maybe?

I can assure you now, my kids will NOT be fucked up. They are incredibly loved by both of us.
So up yours EXPERT you have no freakin idea what you are talking about.

expat, I have to agree with your take on alcoholics, there is no way that someone who is an alcoholic has to drink a certain amount of alcohol a day or at a certain time etc.

Alcoholism is hard to diagnose, but having a problem with alcohol is not.

Anyone whose family life or security suffers due to alcohol is suffering from an alcohol problem. This is a form of alcoholism.

Whatever, haychee.

Whatever.

I was an alcoholic who loved my family a lot - didn't have kids at the time.

But once I started drinking, I couldn't stop till I couldn't drink anymore.

Once you lose that control - you just keep going. You go out and you don't stop - you're an alcoholic.

So go ahead and think whatever you like, haychee.

Better you than me.

haychee-you didnt 'stand up' to your dp-you physically assaulted him,to show him you wont take any shit from him.that is being abusive.hitting somebody once is one time too many.and i do have an idea what i'm talking about,thanks,i have been in 2 abusive relationships myself,and i have been dependant on alcohol myself(in fact i often used to go out and stay at a friends or rather a drinking buddy's so i didnt have to go back to my xp).and trust me,it doesnt matter if the children are in bed when you are behaving in this way,they still get affected by it.

Anyone whose family life or security suffers due to alcohol is suffering from an alcohol problem.

That sums it all up.
We (the family) do not suffer. We may have done a little in the past when dd1 was born. But its so allsorted out.
We never argue about his drinking, its not an issue - we have found a compromise. He still gets a beer, i get a father for dc.
Its been this way for a long time now, when would anything go wrong now?
Because you say it will?

Over my dead body!

The only problem i have is you lot saying i should dump him, because he likes a beer.

So utterly ridiculous!

We (me & dp) have been through alot together. Bankruptcy included, if he was going to hit the bottle big time it would of been then, my god he was so low.
We are totally commited to eachother, we are soul mates.

Have none of you ever gone out for the night clubbing or whatever and come home still drunk? I have, dp does, its acceptable you know.

i never said you should dump him.i think he should dump you though.

True, snoosnoo, I have assaulted my exdp before, through pure frustration, but it wasn't ok, and no-one should have acted as if it was, though they did.

I notice when I had black eyes from him though people acted as if it was fine because he was 'drunk'. There should never be an excuse for violence, ever.

As for being dependant on drinking (I have been too, would get absolutely hammered as soon as I put the kids to bed, and pass out at my pc, but of course, I told myself because I didnt drink until after 8pm I couldnt be an alcohlic), only the people who have admitted they have a problem and tried to deal with it will ever be 'dependant' or 'alcoholics' ironic isn't it.

Oh now i see why you think he cant control himself! Its because you couldnt!
Therefore no one else will be able to either!

I see, now i understand.

buckle under - Freudian slip or what....

Haych, falling asleep where he has his last drink is threatening his security.

as is ExpertinScotland

And, because i clobbered dp once, that makes me a violent person! Who goes around not being able to stop herself from violently attacking those who get in my way.

Because i did it once, i am a monster who abuses her dp and whose dc suffer as a result.

Outragous!

This is classic.

Oh good grief.

So none of you have evr drunk so much that you fell asleep on someone elses chair?

I have, so i must be an alcoholic waiting to get so dependent that my whole life is goig to fall down around my ears.

if a man was on here posting things like 'i clobbered my dw once' there would be outrage.

VS-i was the same as you,i even went to my gp who said i didnt have a drink problem as i didnt need alcohol before midday.so does that mean somebody who works nights and has a glass of wine at 9am before going to bed is an alcoholic?

'Dp does drink too much and i have likened him to an alcoholic myself. '

now he's just a bloke who likes a beer.

In time-honoured fashion abuse and advice
become interchangeable pretty quickly on MN.

Is it fair to say that people are projecting their
own experiences on haychee without paying any attention
to her posts?

Reminds me of this thread by StifflersMum,
and the way minorityrules offered 'support'.

Makes for a fascinating exchange of views, though!

Hc if you are in charge of kids and like that, your world might well fall down

haychee, I dont want to get at you, but the answer to your last question is no.

you sound as though you have a lot to put up with, tbh. I am torn between admiration for your determination to cope, and wondering if the problem is worse than you think.

Pifle

Never would happen.
Believe me, it would NEVER happen.

EXPERT
i have likened him to an alcoholic once or twice some 10-12 years ago! Never since.

He has control.
We have a beautiful relationship.

Sorry you couldnt manage to get all that with drink in your life. That isnt my fault.

'Sorry you couldnt manage to get all that with drink in your life. That isnt my fault.'

You're really scraping the bottom of the barrell there, haychee.

But it's okay.

FWIW, I have a wonderful relationship with a man who would never dream of going out and getting so pissed he passed out in someone's chair and was grumpy and sleeping on and off all the next day now we have kids.

I've never had to punch him in the face, throw tea over him or threaten to leave him because of his behaviour.

And if all this was supposedly 10-20 years ago, then why were you posting about how he went out and was supposed to be back by 8 at well after 9PM just this Friday night?

Nighty
I dont have to "cope" as you put it.

Ok, i dont like it when he goes out, im left home alone. But thats not struggling on coping.
He doesnt like it when i go out either but so what, we give and take.

I dont have to cope with much really, apart from some financial hard times, difficult dd1 and verbal diarrhoea from dp when he is a tad merry.

Oh and btw, the bankruptcy didnt arise from his excessive drinking! Bet that was on your minds! It was from a failed business. It flattened us both, him more than me. It was a very bad time in our life. He was on the verge of nervous breakdown, it was all very sad.
But we had eachother. He didnt turn to drink even then.

'Is it fair to say that people are projecting their
own experiences on haychee without paying any attention
to her posts?'

er,no,she really did post that she punched her dp.

however,it is unfair to the op who has had her thread hijacked so i shall bugger off quietly now

Haych I don't understand how you can say

"I dont spose hell be in until he cant drink anymore"
"You see, hes a big drinker, thats the problem. I fyou like his affair is with magners, not a girl."
"I dont really have a problem with him having a beer each evening (1or2), but its the going out until he cant drink anymore that i struggle to comprehend."

and then say he doesn't have a problem??

I hope it's just because you said more than you wanted to and know that really, (although he is great in many ways, and you obviously appreciate him a great deal) that he drinks more than you think is right.