To not want my dp to go out?

[Bezi]

my dp has just gone out to town, it was a last minute decision and I now cant help but be annoyed about it and also feel guilty for being annoyed. I dont think I'd mind so much but he`s been out every weekend for the past 4 weeks bar 1. what makes it worse is the last time he went out he didnt get in until 9am without no phonecalls since 4pm the previous day, I was furious to say the least!!

Bezi, it sounds to me like he wants everything his own way.

And tbh, he's not going to stop you from taking ds to Tenerife.. why would he? Is he really going to sit in for a week to mind him? I think not.

We've been together 5 years, he's always liked going out, but so did I, we met at uni so the start of r relationship was just that going out and getting pissed most nights!He did calm down alot when we moved into together we just couldnt afford to go out that much, and got into the routine of staying in and being happy to stay in. Its only really over the last month thats he's been going out alot think he's got a taste for it again, he keeps going on that he's only 26 and wants to enjoy life while he's young. He said this morning he's only an adelencent!!I couldnt beleive it, I dont think 26 is that young to have a family and be responsible!Its not as though I'm stopping him going out would just like him to come home at a decent hour once its past 3am I can never sleep until he's in because I'm annoyed and worried. Was meant to be going out myself tonight which is a once in a blue moon thing but am absolutely knackered due to only getting 4hrs sleep and am really not in the mood now. Sorry long rant better out than in eh!?

Oh Bezi, he is alir and inconsiderate, do you really think you should be letting him do this?
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but men will only do this if they can.

My exdp did this all the time, he would finish work on friday at around 2pm (I was expected to belive he finished at 6pm) and he would go straight to the pub, I would get a call if I was lucky at around 7 saying he was just having a quick pint then would come home with a takeaway.
It was bollox.
The amount of times I waited, not feeding DD because he said he was coming home, and end up throwing her something together at about 8:30/9pm before putting her to bed, knowing he wouldnt be home til he felt like it.
That would be at some stupid hour of the morning, pissed as a fart, and often I would wake up to him pissing my bed
He told me all sorts of stories about where he stayed, once he was apaprently at his cousins, and couldnt get a taxi, so I called him one and called him back, his phone was off, I tried his cousin, his cousin was sat at home giving his daughter her 3am feed, and hadnt been out all night.
Time and time again I'd bump into friends of his that would say they wanted to see him as they hadnt heard from him for ages, and to get him to call, these would be the same friends he had apparently stayed with the previous week.
One morning he went to get a paper and didnt come back all weekend because he went on a racing trip, obviously pre-arranged.
Thing is I was happy for him to go out, just couldnt stand the lies and not knowing.
I then fell pregnant with DS and when I actually went out too noticed alot of stuff I hadnt previously noticed.
He had been cheating on me for years, just random one night stands, not an affair as such, but I caught him with another girl one day.
I also discovered he had a cocaine addiction and was spending around £400 a week on it, now wonder he was always skint!
I would never put up with it again, ever, and nor should you.
Unfortunately people don't just lie for no reason, whatever he has been doing, it is something he feels the need to hide.

x post bezi.

Glad you got out of that one VS, my problems sound minimal compared to that, I know I shouldnt let him get away with it but at the moment its seems quite trivial he's coming home a few hours later than expected, I have no proof that he's actually doing anything else wrong. I will try and have a talk to him and make sure he knows he's in the wrong, thing is he's good at turning things around on me making me out to be the paranoid obsessed freak of a girlfreind

Where was he til 9am Bezi? I would be furious.

Dear Bezi. If he's turning things around to accuse you of being paranoid then that makes me wonder what he's got to hide.

If he gets angry and uses that as a way of cutting short the conversation, what has he got to hide.

Why does he want to put the focus on you instead of explaining what he's doing.

This is pretty classic behaviour of someone hiding something.

My dh and I know where the other is most of the time and we have our phones on because we have two children and emergencies can happen. That is normal, not paranoid or controlling IMO.

He sounds a bit of a manipulative bastard!

The fact is you've caught him out lying about where he was. Maybe it's nothing. But I think you need to get to the truth of it. The more he avoids that topic, the more suspicious I would be. Of course he's got all day to think about what to say...

Bezi, I'm not suggesting he is cheating or a drug addict, but people don't lie for no reason.

Bezi

You MUST go on holiday with him, make him realise your still fun. I know having a lo can take the edge off of a youthfull look on life IYSWIM. Show him what he would be missing should he play the game that others have described here.

As you know my other half is a drinker too, stays out all night the same as yours. Tells me he will be home and sometimes he does, sometimes he doesnt - depends how greedy and drunk he gets.

I made it clear with him in the early days i wasnt going to be treated like a little wifey sitting at home with the dc, kept in my place and putting up with any bollocks like what your dp is trying on.
My dp is 38, yours is still young and he obviously feels he needs to live an adolescent type life. He is going to miss that, i think thats just natural. My dp doesnt feel like that anymore.

I have threatened to leave him from a couple of times but that was a long time ago now. He took my threat very seriously (although at the time i secretly didnt know how on earth i could of done it) he bucked up his ideas and now i only really have to put up with this type of thing once or twice a month (alot more often if footy is on, England games anyway).

He knows where there has been a line drawn. I dont mind him going out, but i want to know when he is going like a good 24hours notice, infact he asks if its ok! I also dont stand for him bringing mates back unless i say so - that really used to freakin do my nut! One minute nice quiet organised house next minute its turned into a bar, loud, smokey and annoying. Again, i dont mind sometimes if im in the mood and if its the right mates.

Relationships are about give and take and trust. At the moment he is taking the piss. Set the boundaries, tell him exactly what you expect and can agree to.

With regards to his lie. I wouldnt be able to let it go until i knew where he was all night! Force it out of him, you have a right to know! My dp has never done this but a friend of ours does it to his dp (who is also a friend of mine) and i know for a fact he has had other long term relationships and one night stands during their relationship. She (his dp, my friend) hasnt got a clue! Dont let yourself become like her. How bad is she going to feel knowing that we all know and have known for years! They have 2dds too, 8&3! He is 26, she is 25.

Stop him in his tracks now. You MUST! Not only for you but for your ds too. Otherwise you be living a lie.
Tell him you want some answers, and you will go on holiday with him and treat it like a make or break situation. Either you get on and agree to try harder, or you split after the holiday.

What do these men do til 9am in the morning? I would kick my man out the house if he turned up at 9am after a night out .

Mine sleeps where he has his last drink. Usually in someone elses armchair.

I know all of dps mates very well. I know them as well as i do dp! I have no concerns of anything untoward.
Used to, but not anymore. I have 110% trust and certainty on this and him.

I have been known to throw a cup of tea over him (just made) and storm off out of the house for the day when he arrived home at 8am still totally pissed, but that was just once. He doesnt do it anymore, he always phones/texts and lets me know what going on.

I once opened the front door to him at 3am, punched him straight in the face and slammed the door. I locked it and went to bed. It was winter and he had to sleep on the trampoline with old stuff he found in the garage and shed!
He doesnt do that anymore either.

He either stays out and lets me know.
Or, he comes back early ish, 9-10 usually, sometimes with a mate if i say ok, mostly not. He then starts with his verbal diarrhoea which acan last several painful hours. Sometimes i wish he would saty out

I KNOW that he loves me, i KNOW it.

Mine does a variation on this too. Out for a drink after an evening meeting and then no text, no call, not back for several hours.

Also falls asleep where he had his last drink.

I get cross about the not being contactable, and not letting me know. I don't mind him going out, or (if he must) getting stupidly drunk. I don't know how you fix it, a baby has improved things a bit for us. YANBU at all. I'm sorry you are going through so much.

Do you women REALLY believe you blokes crash at a friends/cousins/brothers etc til 9am the next morning? You are very gullable .

I do believe it.
Ive seen it.
I know how greedy and ugly my dp gets. He would not be able to have any kind of intimacy in that state, i know that for a fact too.
And i know he loves to drink more then intimacy.

Im not at all worried.

A friends dp is a stay out merchant too, as ive described earlier, and he is just a total wan**r! Is alot younger than my dp, and has had several secret relationships and god knows how many one night stands. My dp doesnt like him for this reason, but will happily sit with him at a bar as long as there is a constant supply of beer available.

Whatever chinglebells, but I still don't believe it. I would kick my DH out the house ASAP.

Haych, I always believed my dp was the guy that wasn't cheating, but he was, however I also know some of his friends that did turn up at mine pissed as a fart and sleep on my couch, although I would call/text their gf's as soon as I knew they were staying.

I've just got my DH to read this thread. In his opinion (as a now reformed "jack the lad"), your men are telling lies. He said he would not go out and stay at a friends till 9am, in his opinion (and experience from many moons ago) they are up to no good (more than probably with a member of the opposite sex a bed and his dick). As difficult as it is to admit it, you need to do something for yourself. Don't put up with this "because of the kids". You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you and the kid(s), not with a pint and some bird he's just pulled. Tis alll about respect, and these men have none for you (and it sort of sounds like your esteem is so low that your willing to put up with it , better to be alone and happy than in a relationship feeling shite)

But mine isnt cheating and im not just living a lie or pretending evrything is ok for the sake of the dc.

I know men that do do that, and mine doesnt approve.

Remember i punched mine in the face and made him sleep on the trampoline so why would he come back to that? He just goes back to a mates, drinks more beer and falls asleep. He doesnt dare come back here during the night anymore.

Anyway he doesnt do it much. You see, hes a big drinker, thats the problem. I fyou like his affair is with magners, not a girl.

Anyway, sshh, he cant get it up when hes pissed He cant go out without getting pissed, so im 100% safe.

does he only drink when out?

Nope.

Has a drink at least one most evenings.
Is a beer/cider man, not spirits etc.

His dad is the same, although doesnt stay out. Its the norm in their family. His dad and mum are in a loving long relationship also.

hes only 26 so that makes it ok?

my dh is only 24 and hasnt been out with 'the lads' since we met.

if your dp wanted to carry on behaving like a teenager he shouldnt have become a father.if he doesnt like being a father then he should have the decency to tell you the relationship is over before living his life as a single man.

that was to bezi by the way.

haychee-i am not surprised your dp has a drink problem,he is in an abusive relationship so i imagine its a form of escapism for him!

Oh i do rule the roost!

If i didnt, id just get walked all over and i really would feel like a single parent!
Ive said that to him, and that hes a bad dad, just to keep him inline.

Bad arent i?

Needs must.

I love him and i know he loves me, thats all that really matters.

as the mother of daughters, this has to be one of the saddest threads i've read on here.

who the hell puts up with someone who has so little respect for them and their family?

and loves partying and alcohol abuse more than their family or even themselves.

WTF?

haychee, your partner is an alcoholic. so his mum has a 'loving relationship' with a bloke who loves booze more than her? because otherwise he wouldn't act like that.

loving, yeah right! co-dependent, more like.

what about your kids, folks?

what kind of example is that of a parent, who stays out all night getting pissed over and over again, comes home pissed every weekend. what kind of life is that for a kid, growing up with a drunk for a parent?

because they won't see it as, 'oh, mum and dad. so loving.'

more like, 'hello, i'm so f*cked up now because my dad was a lousy drunk and my mother put up with it and instead of being a dad he was laid up in bed hungover.'

you don't need a holiday, bezi.

you need Al-anon.