Suddenly so angry - being shouted at and leered at just going for a walk with my DD

[slipperandtherose]

Suddenly so angry - being shouted at and leered at just going for a walk with my DD.
Just that.... My DD is 16, during the last year we have started walking together. One of our walks is along a fairly busy road in the evening. Every walk, cars will go by and beep, sometimes men shout out.... even had middle aged men turn their interior light on and drive past slowly.
It's really intimidating and has made us physIcally jump at times.
This is putting my daughter off going for walks on her own.
I realised that women and girls have been putting up with this level of intimidation since we became teenagers. We've had to put up with this...
Also I have had really arrogant reactions from all ages of men in cars, where they make a point of swearing / slowing up / shouting ... when they feel you haven't let them through etc... Would they have had this reaction if I was a man? Probably not...
There is low level misogyny just in the most normal everyday activities, and it's suddenly making me really cross, probably because I can see how it affects my DD.
AIBU to suggest that there should be some sort of addition to PSHE teachings in schools that includes the awareness of what is not okay in a civilised society, because there are still too many young men that don't seem to know that this is wrong?

[blissfulllife]

I'm mom to a 12 year old autistic girl. She has a rare syndrome that also means she's hit puberty early. She's well developed but still looks quite obviously young (not that it should matter to be catcalled etc at any age).

It has bought me to tears recently how awful men are. We walk in the evening when it's quiet on the street. Or to the park as she likes to go on the swings. She doesn't like social interaction and suffers anxiety. But we get men shouting comments as they drive past, leers and stares from dog walkers.

I have to not react or I will scare her. Luckily she's oblivious at the moment, in her own world while out (her way of coping with being outdoors).

Fucking bastard commented loudly about her breasts while she was swinging on the swings recently. "She should put a bra on her, I don't know where to look". She was actually dressed modestly.

She's a 12 year old disabled child!

I don't know how I'm not serving time right now

[Biscuitsneeded]

I went for a walk with my friend in the warm weather earlier this week. I am 49, plump, grey haired, and fortunately nobody has given me any grief for about 10 years. She is 56, looks amazing for her age, has no grey hair and had it up in a pony tail, was wearing denim shorts and a white T shirt - and a pissed bloke on a bench made a lewd comment about her as we walked past. It's just ridiculous that woman who has dealt with divorce, cancer, all kinds of good and bad life experiences, has a very responsible job and is all all round awesome person should STILL be subjected to this shit at 56 just because she looks good in summer clothes.

[IHateCoronavirus]

It is beyond a joke. We all need to take responsibility for this, and call this behaviour out. My DD (11) came home from school upset that boys were throwing water at her and her friend’s tops and making comments about their breasts. DD also became distressed when she said they were asking really personal questions about ice and ‘putting it in places’ she said “we’re 11! It’s disgusting mum!”

She is in quite a large group of girls. Only herself and another girl were upset by the boys behaviour, the others were laughing along. It is just so ingrained in girls to accept it. we need to teach our sons and daughters that this is not ok.

[thenightsky]

@msbehavin

It's even happened to me in my own classroom, in front of my teenage students, when a male external speaker said in front of my whole class, I'm surprised you lot can get any learning done with a teacher as hot as this.



Please tell me how you responded to this. I'm 61 now and had 50 years of this shite. It seems to be actually getting worse.

[Palaver1]

blissfulllife
I understand this totally

[blubberyboo]

Defo invest in a device that films it all clearly.. registration numbers , faces etc

Then hand it to the police and also post on a local Facebook page
Start a thread “local creeps in our community”
Let their wives mothers and daughters judge them fiercely

[evilharpy]

@blissfulllife

I'm mom to a 12 year old autistic girl. She has a rare syndrome that also means she's hit puberty early. She's well developed but still looks quite obviously young (not that it should matter to be catcalled etc at any age).

It has bought me to tears recently how awful men are. We walk in the evening when it's quiet on the street. Or to the park as she likes to go on the swings. She doesn't like social interaction and suffers anxiety. But we get men shouting comments as they drive past, leers and stares from dog walkers.

I have to not react or I will scare her. Luckily she's oblivious at the moment, in her own world while out (her way of coping with being outdoors).

Fucking bastard commented loudly about her breasts while she was swinging on the swings recently. "She should put a bra on her, I don't know where to look". She was actually dressed modestly.

She's a 12 year old disabled child!

I don't know how I'm not serving time right now

I'm speechless reading this.

You're a bigger person than I am. I'd have gone for the fucker.

[StillWeRise]

@Onlinedilema

I agree with naming and shaming. Call them out on FB who the hell wants to employ that type of sick bastard or have them in their house doing maintenance. This behaviour needs to be called out every single time. A friend of mine's dd had an incident and basically her dad reported the man to his employer, he was sacked the same day. That's the best way to deal with it, but then where it hurts.

brilliant!!!
that employer deserves some positive publicity for that

[MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes]

I’ve been bloody furious about it all since I realised this is what it is to be female in this country surrounded by these perverts who can have no thought in their heads other than their balls.

For all the apologists for the poor menz who cannot control themselves on this thread: this is what women do not do. “Oppressed Majority”, a French film.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=8E0poqukDqc

[NiceGerbil]

Not RTFT but will.

Just remembered something.

When DD started at secondary she got a council leaflet about traveling to school alone.

I can't find it online now but it good stuff about cycling and courtesy on buses and things.

I wish I could remember how it was worded but one of the sections was always be polite and respectful to adults or something.

Which sounds great at first glance but I remember being a school girl and getting loads of Street harassment.

I have told both my DDs that they do NOT need to be polite to any grown up who engages them in conversation or approaches them. Not to be rude, but that they don't have to chat politely etc

It annoyed me at the time and I showed it to DH. The fact that it was a whole leaflet about traveling alone and there was nothing about that bothered me tbh. I mean they didn't have to make it gendered.. Just dunno if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable then move/ go into a shop etc. It felt like a huge omission given how common it is and how severe the results can be.

[CrankyFrankie]

I had this a lot from age ~13-30. There is an expectation from the men that do it that you should be grateful for the attention. On the odd occasion that I told someone to fuck off, I’d see the mask slip instantly and the cheery ‘I just want to walk with you and chat about why you’re single/where you’re from etcetc’ veneer wash into a shocked and hateful reaction. Even my uncle genuinely doesn’t understand why women aren’t falling over themselves with pride every time they get heckled from a building site. And it is often worse abroad. I was groped everywhere from Israel, aged 12, to Italy in my 20s. And when I lived in France, “laisse-moi tranquille” was one of the first phrases I picked up as the guys there literally take you by the arm while they’re hounding you.

And then there’s the nasty comments. Eg from a building site “Another one with a fat arse!” Or guys pulling up in their car when you’re out for a jog, commenting on your body. It’s all so fucked up!

Anyone who hasn’t experienced this can’t have lived in a city.

[Magnificentbeast]

YANBU - it's horrible that you and your daughter are being subjected to this revolting behaviour.

[NiceGerbil]

Oh and I told both my DDs that if a man says or shouts anything at them and it could be something rude then it's nothing to do with them. Men like that do it to lots of girls and women because they're horrible.

And yes I did say men so shoot me (in my very very experience women do Not 'do it too').

[NiceGerbil]

Both my girls hit puberty young. The younger one was taller than me in year 6, long blonde hair, developing body.

That's when men started looking. Even though her face was very young and she often had her favourite cuddly toy with her.

Men like this don't look they don't think they don't care. They register boobs/ bum/ and proceed accordingly.

[slipperandtherose]

Wow.... the stories just keep coming. I'm not at all surprised, and thank you for sharing on here. So many appalling things that have happenened to your daughters... I am so sad and so angry.

it's really made me think how I should react in the future. So many great ideas and advice on here, thank you so much.

But it's so endemic still... the government seem to have focussed on the very obvious inequalities that women face, gender pay gap etc... but this is a huge inequality... the right to walk around without being subjected to harassment because of our sex...

Our daughters (and us) being subjected to this from even pre-pubescent years... onwards. It feels like it needs a revolution...
I can see that we need to find ways to make the perpetrators feel really dumb and low-life that might be a start...

[OneStepOut]

I'm on a good track to lose weight but all of this makes me think twice. I had no hassle from men since I've put weight on in 2019 and I don't know if I want this 'attention ' back.

[thelonghaul]

Start recording them on your phone and post on social media (Facebook, Twitter, any other you use). Might start others to do similar and maybe those pigs (any any others) will start to fear being outed for who they really are.
I feel your anger and fully sympathise.

[Justploddingon]

I had this at a bus stop stood with my 16 & 13 year old daughters in shorts and t-shirts. A man in a white van slowed down to nearly a stop and was blatantly looking at the girls. He soon sped off when my 16 year old shouted " Drive on then you pervy wanker!" and flicked her middle finger up 😆

[BestestBrownies]

OneStepOut

I'm on a good track to lose weight but all of this makes me think twice. I had no hassle from men since I've put weight on in 2019 and I don't know if I want this 'attention ' back.

Same here. Until recently (thanks Covid!), I was very petite (5’2” size 4-6), with a baby face (got ID’d buying wine in the supermarket, regularly had strangers assume prematurely grey DP was my father etc).

I’ve gained a lot of weight and become noticeably less visible to creepy pervs. It’s one of the very few benefits to being fat and middle-aged.

[Justilou1]

I rather love the idea of egging the fuckers, but just know that it’s us women & girls who would get charged with some kind of criminal behaviour for doing so, even though their pervy, leering, intimidation IS illegal. My girls have been copping bullshit like this on their walk to school since they were 11 & 12. They are both petite and blonde. I still get it (until they see my middle-aged face - ha! Even then, it doesn’t always put them off!) We have videoed the same leering twat who has complained about us “harassing” him, despite the repulsive things we have recorded him yelling at us out his car window. I swear there are men that go out of their way to find the local school and drive around at start and finish time just to do this.

[Bodynegative]

Today's parents are the young people of the "ladmag" & Pornhub generation that helped the behaviour of men to regress to pre feminism levels, so it's not surprising that they don't always see the DS's behaviour as a problem.

There needs to be a realisation by society at large that women and girls deserve respect; men need to take the initiative to model this and get shot of the "boys will be boys" crap. In my view, gained from 20+ years as a youth worker & DV worker & researcher, boys need education in respecting girls from pre-school, not as 16yr olds, already watching porn on the regular and boasting of "conquests" to their mates. To those parents who think that their DSs would never behave appallingly to girls & young women, they are probably correct in that on their own, their DSs would be polite and respectful, however in a group, away from authority figures, even the nicest boys often behave with an unnerving pack mentality.

[BeStrongAndCourageous]

@Bodynegative

Today's parents are the young people of the "ladmag" & Pornhub generation that helped the behaviour of men to regress to pre feminism levels, so it's not surprising that they don't always see the DS's behaviour as a problem.

There needs to be a realisation by society at large that women and girls deserve respect; men need to take the initiative to model this and get shot of the "boys will be boys" crap. In my view, gained from 20+ years as a youth worker & DV worker & researcher, boys need education in respecting girls from pre-school, not as 16yr olds, already watching porn on the regular and boasting of "conquests" to their mates. To those parents who think that their DSs would never behave appallingly to girls & young women, they are probably correct in that on their own, their DSs would be polite and respectful, however in a group, away from authority figures, even the nicest boys often behave with an unnerving pack mentality.

I made my 6 yo son cry today, reinforcing the message (which I've been giving him since toddlerhood) that we don't touch people who don't want to be touched.

I felt bad for upsetting him - he's 6, he wants to grab and hug and poke and tickle, I get that. But he needs to understand "no". He needs to understand "stop". He needs to know that just because it was ok five minutes ago, doesn't mean it's ok now. And he needs to know that just because he wants to touch someone, doesn't mean he gets to.

[NiceGerbil]

Bodynegative I enjoyed your post but I'm pessimistic TBH

You're right that society at large needs to change but how? It doesn't seem to me that there's any appetite for it. Or at least, change is very very slow and improvements in one thing often seem to be accompanied by something getting worse elsewhere.

Street harassment has happened forever, has it actually got worse or are women and girls just talking about it more/ with places like MN to talk to read each other.

[Ddot]

It's only human nature to look but I don't get the shouting. Men must know by now it's not acceptable, in any circumstances. I don't care if the young woman is wearing a bikini dont bloody shout. If you approach a woman and she clearly isn't interested then do one. Bugger off mate. I am afraid I had a lot of over zealous Male attention in my youth. A few near misses too. Later in life I learnt the one liner works well but not in solitude situations.

[Ddot]

Walking home a man pulled up in his car and asked, how much love, I replied , a wedding ring! He drove off with speed. Couldnt get rid of one bloke till I told him I had one arse in my pants, really don't need another