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AIBU?

Suddenly so angry - being shouted at and leered at just going for a walk with my DD

193 replies

slipperandtherose · 02/04/2021 08:06

Suddenly so angry - being shouted at and leered at just going for a walk with my DD.
Just that.... My DD is 16, during the last year we have started walking together. One of our walks is along a fairly busy road in the evening. Every walk, cars will go by and beep, sometimes men shout out.... even had middle aged men turn their interior light on and drive past slowly.
It's really intimidating and has made us physIcally jump at times.
This is putting my daughter off going for walks on her own.
I realised that women and girls have been putting up with this level of intimidation since we became teenagers. We've had to put up with this...
Also I have had really arrogant reactions from all ages of men in cars, where they make a point of swearing / slowing up / shouting ... when they feel you haven't let them through etc... Would they have had this reaction if I was a man? Probably not...
There is low level misogyny just in the most normal everyday activities, and it's suddenly making me really cross, probably because I can see how it affects my DD.
AIBU to suggest that there should be some sort of addition to PSHE teachings in schools that includes the awareness of what is not okay in a civilised society, because there are still too many young men that don't seem to know that this is wrong?

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Kenshi · 02/04/2021 10:10

Happens a lot and even more so in the more 'hick' areas, that are poorer etc. I grew up in a very poor area and couldn't go anywhere without either sexual verbal abuse or just plain insults being shouted. I honestly think part of it is the same sort of energy that causes people to damage public property etc, antisocial sort of thing behind it, it's not all just sexual. Not that there's any excuse for doing it, they need to have a bit of respect for other people, FFS.

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quarentini · 02/04/2021 10:19

I just refuse to tolerate it anymore...
I always photograph the car now or call the person out on it .

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DIshedUp · 02/04/2021 10:29

Just because you might find someone attractive doesn't excuse you leaving at them, shouting at them, intimidating them

Its one thing to glance at a teenager in a crop top, its a totally different thing to slow your car down and turn the light on, and make intimidating remarks.

Its completely irrelevant what the women are wearing, even if she is a Victoria secrets model in a thing bikini it does not give the men the right to do what they are doing.

If you saw a top less 16 year old boy do you start wolf whistling them? Even if objectively they were attractive? No. Of course not, they are 16.

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Onlinedilema · 02/04/2021 10:32

Yep, again take a photo and post on FB. Once they are called into the bosses office, or wifey is alerted they will think twice about it. Even if their boss thinks it's fine to scream abuse at strangers, I'm sure the pressure of the public refusing to buy their products or use their services will be a significant influencer.
I always tell my dd never move your bag for a make to sit next to you on public transport. Tell him no, go sit elsewhere. Any decent man would not try and sit next to a teenage girl anyway when other seats are available.

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Hoppinggreen · 02/04/2021 10:32

We had to spend a fortune on a treadmill for DD 16 as she couldn’t go for a run without being leered at.
It’s fucking disgusting

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Nanny0gg · 02/04/2021 10:33

@Macncheeseballs

Teenagers wearing crop tops will always draw attention, it may not be right but that ain't gonna change. People, both men and women, look at flesh, subconsciously or overtly

What crop top? For all you know they were in jeans and jackets (not that it should make a difference)

And obviously people look. But this is way more than looking and is absolutely not acceptable.

Take photos/videos and get number plates

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ancientgran · 02/04/2021 10:36

@quarentini

I just refuse to tolerate it anymore...
I always photograph the car now or call the person out on it .

What do you do with the photographs?

In the area I grew up in street prostitution seemed unsolvable, there were attempts to do the area up or the police did operations. The area became heavily populated by Muslims who decided they weren't going to tolerate it. They organised patrols, number plates were recorded. When crimes happened they gave the police the numbers of car in the area at the relevant time. Drivers would often get a letter or a visit, which I imagine was hard to explain or if they were in a works vehicle their boss got the contact. The problem was cleared up but it took a few years of dedication. I wonder if women organised something similar in places where it is an issue what the outcome would be?

It does need someone to organise and plenty of dedicated volunteers but it could be worth it.

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Emeraldshamrock · 02/04/2021 10:37

Yanbu it is disgusting. Changing the route won't help it happens everywhere.
I have saw men leering on school girls from their cars I give them a long death stare. 👀
I often ask DP why do men think it is okay to do it women aren't dressing for their attention.

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tabulahrasa · 02/04/2021 10:38

Urgh

My DD becoming a teenager/adult was what made me really angry about men’s behaviour.

You kind of don’t really think about a lot of things, it’s just the way it is... then they start doing it to a literal child and you just go.. WTF? What is wrong with you all?

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Emeraldshamrock · 02/04/2021 10:39

@ancientgran Sounds like a plan.

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Naunet · 02/04/2021 10:40

Teenagers wearing crop tops will always draw attention, it may not be right but that ain't gonna change. People, both men and women, look at flesh, subconsciously or overtly

Teenagers in crop tops will always draw attention?! No, what you mean is, young women and girls will always experience sexual harassment from men and boys. That’s the truth isn’t it? Because middle aged women are not behaving like this to topless 16 year old boys in the summer are they? But what you’re trying to do is minimise bad male behaviour by pretending this isn’t a sex based issue. Why is that?

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FindingMeno · 02/04/2021 10:45

My dds have had some disgusting suggestive comments made to them.
I once was with my dd when an incident happened. I was in a lioness fury and confronted them, and was fronted up and sworn at. The bystanders around me just suddenly were looking the other way.
It was quite scary tbh so I don't know that confrontation is a wise idea. I probably won't do it again.

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FindingMeno · 02/04/2021 10:46

Oh and my dd was in school uniform, not a crop top

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ceilingsand · 02/04/2021 10:48

Don't let the crop top remark derail the thread.

My DD has this. Once when I visited her in her shared flat when she was 21, she got hassled for a date by the random bloke who read the meter, had cars tooting her all the way down the road with gangs of lads hanging out of them, and quite obviously chatted up by the waiter when she dined with me. Young women can barely move without this kind of attention. Not that I should need to mention it, but she was wearing jeans and a hoodie.

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Scrunchy95 · 02/04/2021 10:55

God, this just makes me sick. It's everywhere and we have to just put up with it. When I was younger and walking to work I had this quite a bit. I found an effective method to get them to fuck off was just stretching out my arm and giving them the finger while not even looking at them. I once even got a cheer from the other divers who were being held up by the lorry which had slowed down to match my walking pace over Chelsea bridge. Get your daughter to do it too, you'll both find it very empowering. Remember not to look at them at all while you are doing it. Good luck to you both

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ancientgran · 02/04/2021 10:58

[quote Emeraldshamrock]@ancientgran Sounds like a plan. [/quote]
Unfortunately I'm old and don't have the energy so all I can contribute is the idea.

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ginghamstarfish · 02/04/2021 10:58

I would agree with filming them, or even just pretending to. I remember having this kind of thing when I was a teenager, no phone with camera then, so I took to whipping out a notepad and pen and very obviously writing down the car reg number, or at least pretending to. Most of them sped off. Yes, we should not have to do it, but there isn't much else we can do. Kerbcrawling and suchlike should be arrestable offences, but the police clearly don't care.

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ancientgran · 02/04/2021 11:06

@ginghamstarfish

I would agree with filming them, or even just pretending to. I remember having this kind of thing when I was a teenager, no phone with camera then, so I took to whipping out a notepad and pen and very obviously writing down the car reg number, or at least pretending to. Most of them sped off. Yes, we should not have to do it, but there isn't much else we can do. Kerbcrawling and suchlike should be arrestable offences, but the police clearly don't care.

I've seen it from both sides, as I said earlier I grew up in a notorious vice area, we used to feature in The News of the World occasionally. Then I grew up, got a job as a civilian with police and eventually moved to vice squad. Honestly they did try but several things happen:

Streets flooded with police doing a crackdown - something happens elsewhere in the city and there is a newspaper campaign about the police hassling prostitutes and clients when someone is murdered/raped/ assaulted in nearby area. Everyone up in arms, councillors and MPs involved. Crackdown ends.

Or crackdown is very successful, prostitutes move to adjacent areas in another division, residents up in arms, councillors and MPs involved crackdown ends.

Or rape happens nearby, police blamed as men who would have paid a prostitute have a raped a young mother/schoolgirl/helpless old granny, newspapers outraged, councillors and MPs involved, crackdown ends.

I have actually seen all those scenarios play out. I've also seen a new senior officer arrive who decides to solve the problem, good for him. The above scenarios play out, he decided to focus on something else.

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JessicaaRabbit · 02/04/2021 11:22

It's disgusting.

I remember walking through Manchester Airport with my family at 13 and one of the airport workers whistled and made a comment about my bum. I was dressed in jeans and a hoodie so no flesh on show .

Poor fucker didn't know my dad was walking a few feet behind me and witnessed the entire thing. Dad very loudly explained that I was 13 and was he attracted to 13 year olds? The place was packed. Dad tore him a new one and reported him to the other staff.

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slipperandtherose · 02/04/2021 11:27

So much of this level of everyday disgusting behaviour is going on... making womens and tennagers lives difficult. My DD has even said to me " why do they do it, I'm wearing jogging bottoms and a hoody"?
She should be able to wear what she likes... the fact that she said this to me broke my heart...
She already has an inner thought system that she is somehow responsible for this degree of abuse...
It is the responsibility of all parents (mums or dads) to ensure that their children know how to treat others... and then if the schools can also back this up... two-pronged approach...
But as for the huge amount of middle aged men... how do we solve this...? I am going to seriously try to log down number plates if I can. It's a start.
We have to make this stop for the next generations....

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BrownEyedGirl80 · 02/04/2021 11:30

I used to hate this when younger it made me feel really self conscious

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slipperandtherose · 02/04/2021 11:31

@Scrunchy95

God, this just makes me sick. It's everywhere and we have to just put up with it. When I was younger and walking to work I had this quite a bit. I found an effective method to get them to fuck off was just stretching out my arm and giving them the finger while not even looking at them. I once even got a cheer from the other divers who were being held up by the lorry which had slowed down to match my walking pace over Chelsea bridge. Get your daughter to do it too, you'll both find it very empowering. Remember not to look at them at all while you are doing it. Good luck to you both

Should give tis a go too, will hopefully make her (and me) feel a bit empowered too... It feels like we need a revolution!!!

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gamerchick · 02/04/2021 11:33

Just film your walk. I have my phone on record when I'm walking a dodgy route on my own.

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B33Fr33 · 02/04/2021 11:46

I've been filing a lot of my bike rides but I'm getting a second camera to catch a clearer picture of the vehicles and men in the act of harrassmemt and intimidation. Once I do I intend to continually report every little act. It shouldn't be necessary, but just how car cameras are commonplace to deal with shitty drivers I think body cams are necessary to deal with these shitty humans.

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Hankunamatata · 02/04/2021 11:57

Start taking pictures if cars with phone op

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