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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

192 replies

Tiredmum2021 · 01/04/2021 23:24

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/04/2021 23:30

Your marriage sounds horrific tbh.

dane8 · 01/04/2021 23:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Babyboomtastic · 01/04/2021 23:36

To me there are nuts where you are being unreasonable, and bits where you're are not.

He should not be pressurising you into having another child, pretty alone at 6m pp. That is ridiculous. Equally though, where a woman had a desire for more children and her partner refuses, there is often support for her leaving if it's that important to her, do if he is desperate for a large family and that isn't an option, then I could see how it could eventually be a proven, and that's not one's fault really. But at 6m pp very few women are ready for a second child, and it sounds like your body needs time to heal. He is being utterly ridiculous about this.

However, I don't think he is obliged to support you bring a SAHM, just because you can survive on his eye, and the fact that it would mean a ridiculous commute back to your family is because of your very unusual attitude towards childcare, which isn't really feasible if you live away from family.

If he's only a year ago bought a home in Kent and he is the main bread earner, I don't think it's fair for you to demand he move to Dorset/Hampshire. The house was bought when your were pregnant by the sounds of it, and you knew your were moving there, so I don't think it's unreasonable for you to give a proper go at living in Kent.

It sounds to me like you didn't talk much about your plans for the future, how children would be raised or your prospective roles before having children.

He seems set on having a 'wife' rather than you, and you seem unwilling to try compromise on work or childcare or location.

Babyboomtastic · 01/04/2021 23:36

Sorry for the typos. Oh for an edit button. And better predictive text.

LouiseTrees · 01/04/2021 23:38

He’s an ass. Ask him if you cut off the tip of his manhood how often would he want to subject himself to the pain of sex ( closest comparison I could get). I do think however it’s always worth the mother ( if doesn’t have a rich family bankrolling her) to go back after normal maternity leave because regardless of whether a couple can afford it she may not be able to afford it alone and should try not to be too dependent on the man ( especially where there are already problems in the marriage). However yours sounds broken in that he won’t take any of your feelings into account and basically says I’ll find someone else. I’d be saying “ yeh you do that but you’ll be paying child support, you’ll be parenting almost equally with me etc, does you need wife want a stepchild then?”

badg3r · 01/04/2021 23:38

My goodness. Leave. It sounds like he sees you as an incubator. He'll maybe divorce you if you only have one more child? After what you went through first time?

Mummy1608 · 01/04/2021 23:38

"He said he could get a wife who..."

Yikes. I'm so sorry op. My baby is about the same age as yours (also a traumatic birth) and I'm still so so vulnerable after it. You say you still love him. Yikes. So sorry, take care of yourself and your baby

LadyJaye · 01/04/2021 23:40

Jesus. Leave now.

Are there cultural implications that tie you to this hideous man, or are you doing it out of choice?

Babyboomtastic · 01/04/2021 23:40

PS, I'm not a big fan of nurseries personally, but a childminder can provide a much more homely environment where they can really build you a close relationship. Mine runs to get CM with a big hug and recently told her that she loves her as much as she loves mummy and daddy (which made me feel happy referrer than sad as it meant I knew she feel loved and happy there).

Or you could use a nanny share. Childcare didn't have to be a large nursery with larger numbers of children and staff.

TheSmallAssassin · 01/04/2021 23:45

How can you still love him when he makes you feel weak and pathetic and talks about getting another wife? That's not what love looks like, you deserve better than this.

Ohnomoreno · 01/04/2021 23:46

This seems like a broken marriage. You sound unusual in your priorities, he sounds cruel and selfish.

Babyboomtastic · 01/04/2021 23:48

Was it an arranged marriage by any chance? He seems so choose in his behaviour towards you and like there's no love there, and your guys don't seem to be in the same page about much regarding family life.

user1473878824 · 01/04/2021 23:49

@Babyboomtastic

To me there are nuts where you are being unreasonable, and bits where you're are not.

It sounds to me like you didn't talk much about your plans for the future, how children would be raised or your prospective roles before having children.

He seems set on having a 'wife' rather than you, and you seem unwilling to try compromise on work or childcare or location.

I agree with this to be honest.

Ikeameatballs · 01/04/2021 23:53

I’m sorry that you are so unhappy.

You both sound on completely different pages with wildly differing expectations of what the future should be like for your family.

It concerns me that your husband says he “could get a wife” as if you were an object like a car not a person.

I think that you need real life support and advice.

MixedUpFiles · 01/04/2021 23:55

His pressure on you to have more children than you are comfortable with is not ok.

The rest though is just strange. Presumably you live near his work right now and he is the only earner. Moving away from his job makes no sense.

If you are worried about nursery and have the means to be spending money on travel, hire a nanny.

You also seem to be forgetting that your child is as much his as she is yours. You don’t necessarily get to just move her to a new place and he has to accept rare visitation. He can fight you in court.

LouiseTrees · 01/04/2021 23:55

To be honest I sort of agree with bombastic though about some parts but the number of kids thing just overrides everything. Was he not present at your traumatic birth or did he just not care it was traumatic?

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 00:03

Get a copy of any financial information that you can.
Payslips, banks, pensions etc.

Pack a bag quickly and quietly and go to your mothers.
Do not look back.
Engage a solicitor to hammer out the details and divorce.
Don't engage.
He sounds like a headcase.

Babyboomtastic · 02/04/2021 00:04

Just to say, I certainly don't sure with him putting any pressure on you whatsoever to have more children. If you want to stop at one, or have two that's fine and he shouldn't push you. Equally, though, although he should never pressure your, it's not something he is obliged to live with either, and if it's that important to him, then that'll have to be a decision that he makes.

But these are decisions for the future but 6m pp. Not by a country mile.

nimbuscloud · 02/04/2021 00:04

This is terrible

Thedogscollar · 02/04/2021 00:41

Goodness OP what on earth is there to love about this horrible man?

Seriously from what you have said in your OP I'd be booking my appointment for divorce lawyer.

Heyahun · 02/04/2021 00:44

You are being totally unreasonable to expect to just be a stay at up me parent and have him fund it! And your thing about no nursery until 2 is weird- childminder or nanny then?? Why is parents the only option.

But he does sound horrible - the pressure to have loads of kids etc and threatening divorce - wtf

Deffo just leave tbh

Hankunamatata · 02/04/2021 00:46

Lots of issues. You knew he lived in Kent, did you not discuss this before marriage and baby?

Pressure to have more babies isnt ok and totally weird talking about divorce if you dont produce more.

Dont think he is being unreasonable wanting you to go back to work, again didnt you discuss this pre marriage and baby? I think yabu with childcare - its not workable - you need to look at childminder or nanny.

OldLang · 02/04/2021 00:53

You're both unreasonable, although he has gone further into abusive from your OP.
Either parent staying at home needs to be a unanimous decision. You shouldn't get to decide this on everyone's behalf. You're also unreasonable to put what you want over what's actually best for your daughter.

Having said that, the more serious issue is his emotional abuse of gaslighting of you. No one should live like this and I'd tell him that he's very welcome to attempt finding this fictional perfect woman who'd happily become a Stepford Wife. Neither of you are happy and neither of you seem to prioritise your child's needs.

Yellownotblue · 02/04/2021 01:15

The two of you need counselling. You are not communicating effectively and clearly you don’t have the same goals right now. Please get couple therapy before you make harsh choices that will have a permanent impact on your family unit.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 02/04/2021 01:48

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

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