Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

What was he like before you got married? Had you been together long?

saying I’m kidnapped her just for going down a few days! I have dread every time saying when I am next going.

To be fair, how different is this from your attitude to not having your DD with you or your parents? I totally get the birth trauma and how it is when DC are so little, but it's like you have the monopoly on her - you can't even contemplate using childcare yet you think it's fine for him to be counties apart for most of the week and only see her on your terms. How would you feel if he took her away from you like that? I could well imagine you feeling like he'd kidnapped her.

I doubt this marriage is going to work out on either side, but this is also a very pressured time and things do get a lot easier as DC get older. You need help for your trauma and some of that may involve doing some of the things you fear so badly and then seeing that it's actually fine. Otherwise you're giving into your fear and feeding it. If your marriage is over and you need to move back home that's one thing. But coming up with this set-up that breaks the family unit up just because in your head Dorset with your parents is the only safe place for DD is unreasonable.

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation OP. It sounds to me like you both have very different ideas of what you want life to look like going forward. There are somethings that can be compromised on (eg whether to seek childcare, returning to work, how involved your husband is in parenting etc) and then the two big decisions that it's not possible to meet in the middle on- having more children and where you live. For what it's worth in the last two years of my marriage we've been through both of those big decisions with different stances and it was immensely stressful for both of us. And like you, I also originally never wanted to use a nursery for our child but in the end I did begrudgingly compromise. I work part time and was very fussy about which nurseries we viewed (which was many, DH would have happily sent him to any of them as long as they were 'cheap'). I have to say two years on it was honestly the right decision for both our son and for me career-wise, I'm pleasantly surprised to say I don't regret it at all.

It just sounds like you both want very different things and neither are willing to compromise at all, which will inevitably lead to one or both of you feeling resentful going forward with no end in sight. Would you consider joint therapy as a way to explore your positions, how you're communicating them with eachother and to think about your marriage as a whole? If not I think ending the relationship may be where you end up.

You are being a bitnunreasomable by expecting to not have to work again and for not considering childcare.

But your unreasonableness is completely dwarfed by the fact that this man is a nasty piece of work.

Just move to your mums this weekend and be done with it all.

You both sound as bad as each other. Why are you so reliant on help from your family?

You could read the OP.

So this prince wants an incubator and housekeeper, has dismissed your birth experience and can easily replace you? I'd be sodding off back to my family as well.

Then you are in position to rebuild your own work in an environment with some support and only one adult to feed and water and clean up after.

Op have you considered you may be suffering post natal depression /PTSD and spoken to your GP any DH about this? This may impact how you are perceiving other discussions

As others have said 6 months pp is too soon for you to consider another child but may also be too soon to decide you don't want more or key decisions on your marriage

Perhaps discuss with DH parking the discussions about the future and just focus on the now and try to get back to the place where you are both happy in your current living arrangements.

Give that a serious chance with no extra stresses or changes for a period (6months?) before making any serious decisions

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

As harsh as this sounds, i kind of agree with this (in a gentler form!) You agreed to move to Kent, he gave you the impression you wouldn't need to work, he would like more children and you don't. He wants a divorce based on his requirements because he feels he can go get another wife like a Thanos click of the fingers. You need to see a counsellor to work on your communication if you want your marriage to work, learn to compromise or leave and start afresh again on your own terms.

You want different things. Your DH doesn't sound very nice. But all this wanting to live close to your parents and not wanting even a part-timd job that's a bit pathetic. Why didn't you sort this out before having a baby.

It sounds as though he is being emotionally abusive towards you:

Prevents you from spending time with your family
Name calling
Putting you down
Trying to dictate what you do
Not doing his share
Insisting you have more children
Zero emotional support, in fact the opposite

Whilst I think refusing to use a nursery/childminder is unreasonable I suspect your traumatic birth & PND are a factor.

Please consider leaving this man. Go to your parents and stay it sounds like you need space and to be honest with them about how it really is.

It sounds like you married quickly before you knew him. It all sounds like he love bombed you and now you are trapped the real him shines through - it's all about what he wants, his way or the high way.

all this wanting to live close to your parents and not wanting even a part-timd job that's a bit pathetic

Perfectly normal to feel like this with a 6 month old baby. Especially if your DH is not supporting you, practically or emotionally.

Op he really is nasty.

He is using everything he can to undermine your confidence and twists things to suit his narrative so you don’t know wheather you are coming or going.

Whatever you decide won’t be right. His way or no way.

Why are you putting up with this?

Leave - don’t look back he’s a pathetic human being.

Please, put aside all your logistical stuff about childcare and where you live. That's practical stuff that can be solved.

The issue here is how he treats you. The threats he makes, the names he calls you, the lack of emotional support, treating you as a wife who can be replaced by another wife if you don't do what he wants, being unsupportive after you went through a traumatic birth.

This is key. He's treating you badly, unforgivably so.

Have you heard the phrase, when someone shows you who they are, believe them?

He's showing you white clearly who he is, and he doesn't respect you. The sooner you leave the easier it'll be for your daughter to adjust. You deserve to be treated well, and this guy has had his chance. He's blown it.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to come home! Do your parents know how miserable you are? Do you have any real life friends you can confide in?

*quite clearly, I mean!

Also, I meant to say, while the logistical stuff is solvable, the way he treats you isn't. You're doing the right thing to get out.

FGS, I can't believe some of the responses. He sounds awful, and it won't get better. Get yourself and baby to your parents, get space and distance from him and then see what you think.

All these people saying they're as bad as each other - have you read the updates? The man is emotionally abusive.

OP, I would start planning to get out of there ASAP. Go and stay with your parents for a bit and get some thinking time.

On the face of it he sounds very unreasonable, but this is one of those posts where, reading between the lines, so do you. It reads like you don't want to go back to work and are putting as much as you can in the way of this when the reality is that he would be justified in finding someone else who shared his view on family size and then you'd likely need full time work as a single parent anyway before very long.

My advice is to start looking for work and childcare now, this period is very short and you'll kick yourself later if you're shackled to low pay work for years on your own later on. You don't sound as if either of you have enough of a spirit of compromise and honesty to make a marriage work.

How in the hell is OP unreasonable, no wonder so many men get away with being total fuckwits if that's what you think. Its unbelievable!

It sounds like he's trying to isolate you from your family - he makes a fuss when you visit them and is unwelcoming when they come to you. He seems to be setting you up for further abuse.

OP, you have a right to be happy. How will having more children with this man make you happy? He's treating you like a slave and incubator. Staying with him will not make you happy.

Yes, you will probably need to go back to work at some stage (most mothers have to) and you will probably need to use childcare. But these are separate issues and there's nothing wrong with being reluctant at this stage. A lot of babies don't start nursery until they're much older than 6 months. I couldn't have imagined putting my 6 month old in childcare (not condemning those who did, but that was how I felt). So I don't get why a lot of the comments are fixated on this. Not a lot of mothers of babies as young as yours work, and many people use family for childcare which they feel more comfortable with.

It reads like you don't want to go back to work

Why should the mother of a 6 month old baby have to hurry back to work if they can manage financially without this? Bizarre.

Don’t ever stay in an abusive marriage. Don’t waste precious time trying to make it work for the benefit of other people. Other people’s opinions on whether you put enough effort into making it work don’t matter a jot.

There’s no point flogging a dead horse and now you’ve had a baby and got to know your husband better, it’s clear that he isn’t the sort of partner you both thought he’d be. Let him go and find his wife/housekeeper, if that’s what he wants.

You are being unreasonable. Ridiculously so.

However he sounds awful, leave the bastard. And ffs don't have another child with him, women aren't here for breeding purposes. Your health comes above anything else. If he wants more kids let him crack on and find another idiot to put up with him.

Why should the mother of a 6 month old baby have to hurry back to work if they can manage financially without this? Bizarre.

I don't know many single parents who can manage without an income of any kind, no. Many people have to work with children that age as statutory maternity pay won't cover rent never mind food, and after 9 months it runs out completely. If they split and need to find two houses she will have to work won't she, and as a pp said the marriage isn't looking salvable.

@Barbie222. But she's not a single parent at the moment. And the benefits system does not impose any work requirements for single parents of children under 1. So it's not reasonable to expect her to work with such a young baby. Yes, many mothers do, but that's a decision they make based on what is best for their families and often in such cases it is the father who is sharing maternity leave or the baby is cared for by grandparents. The baby is not being put into childcare.

How many of the posters on here actually put their 6 month old in a nursery? I didn't - mine was 12 months which seems more usual. My baby was still regularly breastfed at 6 months so nursery wouldn't have been an option.

You are both being unreasonable and need to have a sensible grown up conversation as things cannot carry on as they are.

Travelling back and forth to Dorset - particularly looking forward to the future when DC1 is in school if you have other children - is ridiculous. You were even wondering who would look after DC1 until 7.30 when DH got home because you’d be in Dorset. Can’t you see how absurd this is and damaging for your children.

You don’t seem to have settled in Kent but have you tried?

Your DH is being unreasonable too but fundamentally both of you need to grow up.

I don't think the op out her husband are taking about her returning to work now, but more it being the plan for the future.