Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

Why didn't you sort this out before having a baby.

Because she’s not in possession of a fully functioning crystal ball? The theory of having a baby can be dramatically different from the reality. It sounds as if this marriage is doomed. I don’t think either side is reasonable. Time to call it a day and go to your parents, OP.

@Strictly1 Yes, I totally understand why she doesn't want lots/any after her experience, but that does not mean he's not allowed to also have feelings of loss.

Wow so I’m your view ‘feelings of loss’ are

• calling the OP a bitch
• saying if she doesn’t provide more children he will find a new wife and divorce her

Christ.

Most people don't saybthings like I thought I had hit the jackpot about their spouses.

This really isn't a healthy relationship on either side. Maybe try counselling if you want to stay with him

[quote ForeverAintEnough12]**@Strictly1* Yes, I totally understand why she doesn't want lots/any after her experience, but that does not mean he's not allowed to also have feelings of loss.*

Wow so I’m your view ‘feelings of loss’ are

• calling the OP a bitch
• saying if she doesn’t provide more children he will find a new wife and divorce her

Christ.[/quote]
Saying I'm moving to live near my mum and you can visit us is hardly kind either. They are both in the wrong and need to communicate.

What no one has yet explained is why the OP should try to work on her relationship with her husband, as opposed to leaving.

What does she have to look forward to if she stays?

• Being abused and sworn at regularly.
• Being isolated from her family - both due to the distance and her husband deliberately discouraging contact.
• Zero emotional support.
• Being the household skivvy.
• Balancing a part-time job with nursery/school runs with zero help from her husband.
• Repeated pregnancies and associated health risks which she will have to manage on top of everything else.
• Multiple children to care for basically on her own.
• Becoming more and more financially vulnerable and trapped (it's much easier to leave with one child than with five).

It doesn't sound like much of a life. Whereas at the moment she can take the baby to her parents and benefit from their support and help with childcare when she returns to work and ultimately becomes independent again.

Seems a no-brainer to me. What is there to stay for?

@Strictly1 saying you are moving to be closer to your mum because your husband calls you a bitch, threatens to divorce you if you don’t go through more childbirth and find a new wife and does nothing to help his wife or child and laughs when his wife who is suffering after a traumatic birth cries is actually incredibly sensible. I can’t believe you are defending this disgusting man.

OP, he’s trying to trap and isolate you. Whatever ou do, don’t let him.

Honestly you need to be getting away from him. He’s pretended to be one person then turned into his real self once he’s got you away from your support network, married and trapped with a baby.

It’s all too familiar a story OP. Run, run now.

@Whatisthisfuckery

OP, he’s trying to trap and isolate you. Whatever ou do, don’t let him.

Honestly you need to be getting away from him. He’s pretended to be one person then turned into his real self once he’s got you away from your support network, married and trapped with a baby.

It’s all too familiar a story OP. Run, run now.

Tbf the husband could probably say something similar.

What, he could say she promised him a gaggle of kids and now she’s going back on it, or that she refuses to do everything because he’s withdrawn any support because she won’t be his baby machine? What is it that he can say?

He could say that they planned to have several children, that she would work albeit part time, that she’d live at their home.

There’s usually six of one and half dozen of the other in these situations and neither appears to be behaving very reasonably.

From your OP it’s definitely unreasonable. It seems the only reason to move is you think only your parents can look after your child when you are working.

With the drip feeds about how terrible he apparently is (something one would think would be in the OP) of course you’re not unreasonable to leave someone who treats you badly - but you know that.

To leave because you’re being asked to work a couple of days a week and nurseries/childminders are apparently the work of the devil is definitely unreasonable. As is doing so “just in case” you later split up.

Bottom line is, though, if you don’t get your way, you won’t be happy with him no matter what, so probably best leave now.

[quote ForeverAintEnough12]@Strictly1 saying you are moving to be closer to your mum because your husband calls you a bitch, threatens to divorce you if you don’t go through more childbirth and find a new wife and does nothing to help his wife or child and laughs when his wife who is suffering after a traumatic birth cries is actually incredibly sensible. I can’t believe you are defending this disgusting man.[/quote]
It certainly is!

OP's mental and physical health is at great risk from this horrible, unsympathetic man.

Of cours ehe is disappointed that there is unlikely to be a large family if that's what he had hoped for - but so is OP. And she had been through an awful, painful and terrifying physical ordeal, too.

He doesn't help with the one child they have, and is rushing her back to work before she feels ready, and trying to coerce and bully her into a further pregnancy - will he help her with any other children they may have? I'll bet he won't!

He's an rse, and OP* needs all the physical and emotional support she can get.

Mumsnet is bat shit crazy. Ask the people saying this poor woman is being unreasonable, can you not read the full thread?

She moved away from her family when pregnant as she believed she had and would always have, a very supportive husband. A husband that would share the load and parent with her.

Instead he withdraws help and support during arguments. Doesn't pull his weight with the baby. Laughs when she is crying after saying he will find another wife. Calls her a fucking bitch because she doesn't want a horde of children. Wants her to go back to work AND have another baby ASAP. After he agreed previously that she would stay at home with their kids.

The only thing the op has done here is changed her mind about 5 children. She is perfectly entitled to do this and was being generous to suggest just one more with this monster.

Op, a good dad does not treat the mother of his baby this way. He treats her with respect and consideration. He listens to her concerns and supports her unconditionally.

Your husband is a terrible dad and a terrible husband. Please go to the Gp, tell them you are in a volatile relationship and your haha treats you terribly. Call woman's aid. Tell them. Get this recorded on paper and get copies of all of his paper work if you safely can. Wage slips, savings etc. Sees solicitor. Then leave him.

You CAN do better.

He could say that they planned to have several children, that she would work albeit part time, that she’d live at their home.

People are entitled to change their minds about what they want from life. And if they do so, their partners are entitled to change their minds about whether they want to stay with them.

There is nothing, I repeat nothing unreasonable about the OP deciding that one child is enough for her. For fuck's sake, when did we decide that women no longer had bodily autonomy? If her husband has an issue with that, he can choose to end the relationship. What he can't do is force her unwillingly to have another child. Especially as he doesn't help with the child they already have.

Nor is there anything wrong with the OP deciding that her child is too young for childcare. If she was a single parent on benefits, she wouldn't be expected to work with such a young child.

Nor is there anything wrong with the OP deciding to leave their home to escape her unsupportive, abusive husband. When did we decide that it was ok to criticise women for leaving abusive relationships?

He isn’t supportive at all emotionally (says horrible names in arguments like f’ing bitch etc and laughs when I cry) and withdraws help practically during an argument. There are happy times and he does loves it daughter

This is abuse. Most abusers aren't abusive at all times, or we would bin them.

On top of this he makes it a huge issue for me to go down and visit my parents with her saying I’m kidnapped her
My parents would feel uncomfortable staying over night here because of all these things
guilt tripping me everytime.

This is coercive control. He's trying to isolate you from your sources of support and control your movements.

People need to RTFT to see the reality of your husband's behaviour.

OP you've had some really harsh responses on here - I'd suggest getting moved over to the relationships board as a start. AIBU can be brutal.

You sound very unhappy and for good reason. It is incredibly difficult when you come to the realisation that the person you married is not who they first portrayed themselves to be. You both set out on a path together and made promises. He has reneged on those by not supporting you in the way he promised to.

Firstly, you don't have to do anything right now - assuming you're not due back at work for another few months.

Take the next month to consider what you want (ignoring what he wants for now) in the next 6 months, the year after that and the 2 years after that. Taking out the pressure to have more children and your H, what does that look like?

Also remember that as your DD gets older your feelings about childcare will evolve. Its so easy to base decisions only around current circumstances but what she needs now will not be the same once she's on the move and talking. Where do you want her to go to school might be a good question to ask yourself.

Finally, if you can try to get some counselling with someone who specialises in abusive relationships. You are with someone who wants to control you and you will need your head to be straight in order to withstand whatever he'll throw at you if you want to leave. Also look into the freedom programme. Good luck!

@DarkMatterA2Z

He could say that they planned to have several children, that she would work albeit part time, that she’d live at their home.

People are entitled to change their minds about what they want from life. And if they do so, their partners are entitled to change their minds about whether they want to stay with them.

There is nothing, I repeat nothing unreasonable about the OP deciding that one child is enough for her. For fuck's sake, when did we decide that women no longer had bodily autonomy? If her husband has an issue with that, he can choose to end the relationship. What he can't do is force her unwillingly to have another child. Especially as he doesn't help with the child they already have.

Nor is there anything wrong with the OP deciding that her child is too young for childcare. If she was a single parent on benefits, she wouldn't be expected to work with such a young child.

Nor is there anything wrong with the OP deciding to leave their home to escape her unsupportive, abusive husband. When did we decide that it was ok to criticise women for leaving abusive relationships?

Well you’ve extrapolated quite impressively there. No one say it’s ok for someone to be forced to have a child.

Yes the OP can decide she wants one child - six months post a difficult delivery isn’t necessarily the time to be definitive about this as things do change.

As regards childcare it depends on a number of factors we haven’t been told. The OP says there is enough money but maybe the husband doesn’t think there is. Maybe he thinks in a pandemic keeping a job is safer than giving one up. Being a SAHM makes it hard to get back into work in the best of times.

The mean behaviour, drip feed? Who knows...

Don’t engage with him anymore, it’s not worth it and he doesn’t love you or respect you.

Your child and you both deserve a better, happier and peaceful life.

Leave him. Focus on getting well again. He won’t change, OP, he really won’t. What sort of man threatens to divorce his wife because she won’t have more children or obey his every command? He’s ridiculous.

you deserve so much better.

As regards childcare it depends on a number of factors we haven’t been told. The OP says there is enough money but maybe the husband doesn’t think there is. Maybe he thinks in a pandemic keeping a job is safer than giving one up. Being a SAHM makes it hard to get back into work in the best of times.

I agree, with this particular OP it's hard to shake the feeling that we aren't getting the full story, and there's some immaturity in her decisions and reasoning too.

This all sounds like a big mess OP and there are a lot of issues going on.
Obviously the bad birth has affected you a lot.
You sound very anxious about leaving your child, it sounds like you were planning to use nursery but you are too anxious about it
Your husband is bullying you into having more children
You are considering this even though you don't want one and even though he cantbe arsed to do his fair share of looking after the one you have
You both seem to be in a marriage with little compromise where you both want different things.
You want to move hours away to get support from your family even though it would mean not seeing your husband as much.

Forget the children issue for now. You need to sort out your relationship before bringing any more children into this. Do you really think it is the best thing for your daughter to see her dad bully her mum and deliberately provide no emotional and practical support? He sounds like a shit husband and shit father and I don't know why you want to stay with him let alone make it all harder adding another child.

Have you had any counselling? I really think they could help you unpick things

Have you spoken to anyone in real life OP?

Personally whilst I find a few things such as your attitude to childcare , a bit extreme, it pales in comparison to how awful life with him will be. He’s definitely abusive and it’ll be harder to leave the more children you have.

Have you spoken to your family? Or health visitor? Or friends? It really sounds like there are cultural issues surrounding your circumstances which makes it hard for strangers to really advise.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

if I were in his position I’d be feeling pretty rejected that my wife would rather split the family up for most of the week than even try childcare.

If I were his wife I'd be distraught the he insisted on yammering on about more children when our beautiful baby was only 6 months old, and I had had a traumatic and terrifying birth ordeal that I had barely physically and certainly not mentally, recovered from, and was threatening me with divorce if I didn't agree to a (much) larger family.

He sounds a prince.

Same here, and I'm quite surprised so many on this thread are sticking up for him.

If he's not prepared to support you practically and emotionally when you have just one baby OP, he's very unlikely to do it if you have more. If you need to be close to your family to get the support you need to recover from an awful birth, I think you should just do it.

He can find another brood mare to pop out the rest of the big family he says he wants.

Oh, and gather all the financial info you can before you leave!

@BluebellsGreenbells

Op he really is nasty.

He is using everything he can to undermine your confidence and twists things to suit his narrative so you don’t know wheather you are coming or going.

Whatever you decide won’t be right. His way or no way.

Why are you putting up with this?

Leave - don’t look back he’s a pathetic human being.

This.

Get out.

He wants 5 children while barely contributing to his furst and abusing it's mother.

He is a nasty asshole and you would be a very silly woman to have anymore.

Move to your mother's and take her support.

6 months after a traumatic burth is nothing.

he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent.

This is the phrase that jumped off the page at me.

So a wife is expendable, like replacing a hoover. He doesn't need a living, breathing life-partner, he needs Kryton.

Just leave.
You only get one life and one staying with him won’t be worth living.

I think your views on childcare are something I would expect a normal couple to debate but that pales into insignificance when you add this onto the mix:

• denying you bodily autonomy and threatening to replace you if you don’t fulfil his baby quota
• seeking to isolate you from family and friends
• behaves in a manner which is utterly emotionally damaging.

I think a traumatic birth and this sort of behaviour would be enough for anyone to run for the hills, truthfully the one who has been sold a pup is not him but you. He is already coercively controlling and abusing you.

Also if he loved his child then he would never treat their mother this way.