Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

Could you arrange some marriage counselling? It sounds a little like both are very headstrong and have plans for certain reasons but not necessarily communicating effectively enough to explain the reasons behind. Then by all means if you want completely different things out of life after mediation explore separation.

From another perspective I think its important for people to discuss how many children they want prior to marriage. You both said that a big family was important to you. You have changed the goalposts which is COMPLELTY UNDERSTANDABLE but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't feel a bit sad about that. His way of dealing with that is shocking but honestly if I said I wanted 6 kids and DH agreed then changed his mind after 1 I would be struggling. You are not a baby factory and he shouldn't be pushing you this early there are a lot of biological and hormonal changes going on 6 months post partum and you may feel different in a year.

For the returning to work thing the vast majority of people feel anxious about putting their child to childcare. You just have to do a quick search on here to see people agonising over what they should do. Again I can understand him not wanting to move straight away if you have recently purchased a house but if your absolute life goal is to be near your folks and his is to stay put then you have reached a point where someone will need to compromise.

There is some seriously worrying language from him and some evidence of controlling which is worrying but If I was in your situation I would consult a professional third party to counsel you and see where either of you can meet in the middle.

@Mummy1608 you’re not wrong about any of that. But OP isn’t asking for her husbands support. She’s asking to live 2 hours away for most of the week so that her parents can support. There’s no doubt he sounds like a dick but if I were in his position I’d be feeling pretty rejected that my wife would rather split the family up for most of the week than even try childcare.

OP he’s absolutely within his rights to ask you to work. He doesn’t have to feel comfortable being the sole earner. Although how he expects that to work with 5 kids is beyond me.

Also worth considering you’ll probably need to work full time if you divorce him.

You sound incompatible at the moment, from both sides, with neither of you willing to compromise. As some others have said I think it makes zero sense to make the main earner move. You’ve basically told him you’re going to move out for half the week and that he needs to find another job closer to your parents because you won’t deal with your anxiety over childcare.

Zero compromise on either side.

This still feels like a set up marriage where you didn't know each other beforehand.
You say that you don't know anyone locally. Change that! It isn't easy during Covid, but join local groups online and meet other mums for coffee and walks. Start today. It's great that you have a supportive family in Dorset, but you need to make an effort to make friends wherever you live. Chat with neighbours, invite other mums to your garden, join the library, get your on waiting lists for baby groups whenever they start up - whatever it takes. That way, you'll have choices.

I forgot to say that your husband sounds horrible, the way he talks about replacing you. Again, like an arranged marriage with cultural (mysoginistic?) elements.

@OldLang

You're both unreasonable, although he has gone further into abusive from your OP. Either parent staying at home needs to be a unanimous decision. You shouldn't get to decide this on everyone's behalf. You're also unreasonable to put what you want over what's actually best for your daughter.

Having said that, the more serious issue is his emotional abuse of gaslighting of you. No one should live like this and I'd tell him that he's very welcome to attempt finding this fictional perfect woman who'd happily become a Stepford Wife. Neither of you are happy and neither of you seem to prioritise your child's needs.

This. He sounds awful. You also sound very very unreasonable, but at least you're not pressuring someone who had a traumatic birth 6 months ago to have a new baby.

Neither of you seem to see the other one as people very much, stress can happen to the best couples in year 1 but honestly this doesn't sound like the best couple.

If you do separate (which might well make sense), do also consider that you will not be able to be an SAHM in the longer term and that it may not be in your DD's best interests to move to Dorset, she has the right to a close relationship with her father.

It sounds like he’s treated you like some kind of incubator not like a real woman. He doesn’t really want you only the children you can potentially bear him. Move forwards with the divorce

Why do you still love him? He sounds autocratic, overbearing and a total dickhead.

I'd fuck him off entirely, take your baby and divorce him. LET him find someone else to have all those children with - it would be cruel to force you to bear children under your circs, AND it might cause issues for the children down the line if you are made unwell by it.

The whole total misogyny, insisting that you are there to service him and supply him with offspring is disgusting.
Get out and away from him, please.

He wants more kids and wants you to work these aren't unreasonable request .
There sound lot of trauma round the birth I think any decision about having more kids now would be a snap decision you need to park that till later.
looking from his point of view
You don't want any more kids
You don't want to work leaving all they finical pressure to him
You don't want your child to go to nursery
You wan him to uproot his life and move

Do you love him OP? Or do you love the idea of who you thought he was?

The only way I could explain his behaviour in a nice way would be if he'd been present at the birth and also traumatised from it so behaving weirdly because of that. It's not impossible, although it fully account for everything.

Basically here you are. Married with a child, no support. Husband thinks you can be replaced with another version wife who can fulfil his household/familial requirements. Unless you believe somewhere deep inside that women are some kind of familial robots who can be upgraded, I'm not sure why you're not posting about this statement alone. It's an utterly horrific thing for him to have said. One I can't imagine anybody saying if they didn't actually think wives were replaceable in some way.

I agree you should have counselling to help after the birth - I think women with difficult births should be offered it post-natally as standard in fact, not just you should have it. But in this situation perhaps you need to separate for a while. Have time apart and consider what you want. If you can stay with your parents or nearby so you have support right now, that would be good. He can come down to visit.

if I were in his position I’d be feeling pretty rejected that my wife would rather split the family up for most of the week than even try childcare.

If I were his wife I'd be distraught the he insisted on yammering on about more children when our beautiful baby was only 6 months old, and I had had a traumatic and terrifying birth ordeal that I had barely physically and certainly not mentally, recovered from, and was threatening me with divorce if I didn't agree to a (much) larger family.

He sounds a prince.

Some of what you are saying is unreasonable but it is explained by the context of the situation you are in, which I think people are failing to recognise to some degree:

• You don't want to work - well, most people have to but it's not surprising that the thought scares you with a 6 month baby. I couldn't have imagined going back to work at that time (baby was so little, I was so tired and emotional). My DH was supportive and said whatever you want. Actually, I did end up going back to work part-time when my DC was just over a year old and it was the right thing for our family and for them (we found a lovely childminder).
• You don't want to put your baby in childcare so they'd have to stay with your parents. Again, explained by context. I couldn't have imagined using childcare for a 6mo...it is still very little. Many people take a full year off so baby is 11/12 months when they start. You may feel differently if you start to look at the options locally and find a childminder or nursery that you like and trust. Your husband should be supporting you in doing this, not issuing an ultimatum. Fwiw, when I did go back, work was like a lovely holiday where I got to talk to grown-ups, drink hot coffee and eat my lunch in peace when I went back.
• You want to move to be closer to your family for their support. This is unreasonable of you but, if he's been so unsupportive as to make you feel this way, he really only has himself to blame.
• He wants to have more children. Reasonable as a long-term goal, completely unreasonable as a plan at the moment given you have a small baby already and are recovering from an extremely traumatic birth. His focus should be helping with the baby to give you time to heal. I'm not surprised you need your family if this is his attitude.

So, yes you are being unreasonable but not more so than many mums of small babies. He's being abusive, I'm afraid.

So I don't know in what world anyone would be pressurising someone to have another child at 6 months post partum. I have just found out I'm pregnant again and my child is only 15 months old and I am very nervous, so on that note I would tell him to piss off. Also, you're reasons for not wanting anymore are entirely up to you. The one you have given here is understandable.

The moving thing is problematic. I completely understand the desire to want to be close to your parents, especially when you have a young baby. Does he help with childcare? Is this why you feel so strongly about moving? Do you do everything for the baby?

I wonder how many of you asked ‘why did she stay’ when you hear about abusive marriages.
Op Get out, he’s an arse and appears to regard you as little more than a breeding machine.

He has deliberately held back practical support on many occasions as a result which I why I need the support from my family.

Because you have changed your mind about 5 children, after a severely traumatic birth. You have ptsd and he treats you like this?

This is coercive control op.

You have a right to change your mind about what happens to your body. You can withdraw consent to gestate and birth and look after 5 children.

You can't stay with him.

Irrespective of whether you're unreasonable, these red flags are far too big and I'm very surprised other pps are ignoring them.

Having read your updates, I think you need to leave.

You're neither a slave nor a baby-making machine. You need a life which makes you happy. Don't have a second child with him. Take the baby to your parents and rebuild your life with their support.

He seems set on having a 'wife' rather than you
wife or baby farm?
why is he obsessed with having so many children?

@SchadenfreudePersonified I agree with you 100%

As for you @Jent13c From another perspective I think its important for people to discuss how many children they want prior to marriage. You both said that a big family was important to you. You have changed the goalposts which is COMPLELTY UNDERSTANDABLE but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't feel a bit sad about that. His way of dealing with that is shocking but honestly if I said I wanted 6 kids and DH agreed then changed his mind after 1 I would be struggling

Are we really here in 2021 where people are still dismissing mental health? The op didn’t ‘change her mind’ she went through a massively traumatic birth and is struggling psychologically and likely also physically to be able put herself through that again. If her trauma from birth resulting in a physical injury meaning she was unable to go through a pregnancy again would you say she changed her mind? Why is it any different if it’s a psychological issue meaning she is unable to go through a pregnancy again.

@Tiredmum2021 your husband sounds horrible and treats you terribly. I can’t see how your marriage can survive his lack of acceptance of who you now are. He would likely make your life a misery if he is already treating you like this over additional kids when your baby is so young.

FWIW myself and DH planned on 4 children, I come from a big family. I made wedding vows that said I would stand by him for better or worse in sickness and in health. It turns out he has severe sperm issues and we will be lucky now to have one child. That’s life. I love him. I have to just deal with it.

You definitely shouldn't have another child with things like this

You are making this mightily difficult though by just not sending your child to nursery??

I agree with those saying to get out of this marriage. No way do you want more children with him. He sounds abusive and coercively controlling.

Some of your demands and thinking seems odd and rather controlling to an outsider. But you clarified you want to live near family as you are getting zero support from your husband. Quite the opposite actually. I imagine a lot of your thinking is to do with PTSD and trying to get support for you and your baby.

You need proper support from people, who love you for who you are. Pack up and go and stay with your family and leave this abusive arsehole behind you.

'Neither of you seem to see the other one as people very much'

I think this sums up what I was wanting to articulate. There's something quite transactional/instrumental about your relationship, on both sides. Most obviously on his, with his idea of hving 'a wife' to provide him with what sounds like a fantasy of a Swallows and Amazons family while he does the big earner with big job thing. But more subtly on yours - you are at some level expecting him to provide the money for you to indulge an attitude to childcare that a lot of us have no choice over and that only really addresses your fears and wants rather than actually being in your child's best interests. I'm guessing you're both feeling the other one isn't upholding their end of the bargain. The attitude in his case is markedly more extreme. Coercion to have further children is not on and I would be making sure in your case - if you stay - that your conraception is absolutely watertight.

Well he sounds like an arsehole you’d be better off without. He seems to see you as a breeder and no more.

But I’m struggling to think which bit of Kent you’re in that that could be the same commute time London as Dorset. I don’t think commuting to London from Dorset is realistic.

YANBU he sounds awful and tries to decide aspects of your life for you by manipulating you and making you feel forced into doing things under threat of being dumped.

Imagine trying to 'force' a woman go through more pregnancies when she had a nightmarish experience. He has no empathy and doesn't truly see you as a person.

@Tiredmum2021 I don't think you need couple's counselling as a PP suggested due to communication issues. He is communicating what he thinks all too clearly.

Even if you are a 'mummy's girl' as PP's have suggested, that's ok BTW. They're soon gone so we have to enjoy them while we can. And to me, it sounds more like he is damaging your mental health and that's why you feel you need family around you. xxx

I would go back to your mum's/her area and have as little to do with this PoS as possible. He can still see your DC, but don't spend more time with him than necessary as he tries to tear you down.

Goodness OP what on earth is there to love about this horrible man? Seriously from what you have said in your OP I'd be booking my appointment for divorce lawyer.

This.

He sounds very abusive. Emotionally blackmailing you to have more children that you do not want and are not emotionally or physically ready for. Withholding support when you have been through a traumatic experience in hopes of coaxing you into doing what he wants. Threatening how easy it is to replace you with another wife who will do as he says.

I never say this, but LTB. A man like this is never going to compromise. He will manipulate you into doing what he wants and keep threatening you in the process. He doesn’t care about you as a person, he views you as an incubator.

I am still recovering from my birth trauma and my "baby" is 3. Still don't know if I want another. If my husband had acted like yours I would have been moving in with my parents permanently until he could show me he was a better life partner.