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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

192 replies

Tiredmum2021 · 01/04/2021 23:24

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/04/2021 08:31

Not wanting more children is fine and he is wrong to pressure you.

However wanting you to work, and two days is barely anything, isn’t wrong though. Why should he be the only one financing the family? Likewise it makes sense to live close to his work if he is the main earner.

Original poster

Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 08:38

Ahh yes thank you!!! I even went around a nursery and spent hours upon hours looking into childminding but got more upset the more I looked. I know some kids are fine but I was also getting the same advice which made me think if there was some way I could possibly avoid it then even if it’s a logistical nightmare it’s worth it.

I thought afterwards with a second one, who would pick up the first from school when I’m down there and where would he or she stay until 7.30 when my husband gets back? This is just another reason why I wanted to go back down if I had anymore but not THE reason. Thanks

OP posts:

bewilderedhedgehog · 02/04/2021 08:38

I am wondering how old he is. The one thing about life is its unpredictability. It's one thing to plan 5 children, but things often don't go according to plan, so it seems to me that he is basically extremely immature. My other thought is that to think about other children shortly after a traumatic birth is challenging. My first birth was (to me) traumatic - I said I was never doing it again, but then I did have a second child 6 years later, and a third after that. So things can change as well!

Countrygirl2021 · 02/04/2021 08:40

I don't really understand why you didn't clarify where you were going to live long term, what you were going to do about work and nursery etc before you brought a baby into this?

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/04/2021 08:42

Does he do his share of housework/ childcare ? Why does he insist on so many DC? Is there a cultural expectation?
To be honest I think he sounds awful and I am not surprised you need support . My DD is only a few weeks pp following a traumatic birth and I have been staying with her since she was discharged from hospital as she is so traumatised.

Original poster

Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 08:46

Not moaning that I would have to work two days a week, I agree it’s better for everyone if I do but with my job I could have 6 months paid unleave. This isn’t THE reason I’m leaving, I’m leaving because of the threat of being left as a single Mum in the future in an area I’m not happy in hours away from any support I would be given. I moved my job from Dorset to London as I trusted it would all work out. He isn’t supportive at all emotionally (says horrible names in arguments like f’ing bitch etc and laughs when I cry) and withdraws help practically during an argument. There are happy times and he does loves it daughter which is why this whole thing is crushing and I am trying everything to make it work. I moved my job so I don’t see that as being the be all and end. The set up of him living away would only be temporary so he didn’t have an hour and a half commute everyday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 08:49

On top of this he makes it a huge issue for me
To go down and visit my parents with her saying I’m kidnapped her just for going down a few days! I have dread every time saying when I am next going. During the first lockdown we could have stayed at my parents in the Airbnb part of their home but he made an excuse for us not too. My parents would feel uncomfortable staying over night here because of all these things. This is another reason. Before he said lots of things about them being welcome and I could go down easily every week but it leads to him guilt tripping me everytime.

OP posts:

BusyLizzie61 · 02/04/2021 08:50

You mention he doesn't support you, yet haven't really given any examples.

From how you have written this, it does sound a little bit like you just want to be with your mum and are putting this over your marriage.

Now, if you don't want to be married any longer, then you need to decide if this is a true reflection or a I had a baby 6 months ago and struggling moment.

It doesn't sound as though you've really tried to make a life in Kent. And ultimately, I don't think that working 2 days a week is unreasonable nor do I think that you moving out for those days is reasonable. You always knew there would be a distance between you and your parents and that ultimately, you'd have to facilitate childcare somehow.

I think that you need to make more of an effort in creating a life for yourself in Kent and with your husband.

You sound incredibly needy and that's not healthy to a relationship. Perhaps you need to consider counselling. It's not a typical response to be so het up over a birth 6 months ago when at this point you have a baby and what should be a lovely future. (I say that as someone who had a very traumatic birth also, that I wouldn't wish on anyone).

Original poster

Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 08:51

No cultural reason for so many, he says he just loves being around kids. He doesn’t do his fair share of the work at all. At weekends on average he helps two to three hours over the whole day and night and during the week I just get a bath to
Myself then do everything else

OP posts:

Strictly1 · 02/04/2021 08:52

To be fair you both agreed on having lots of children. You, quite understandably after a traumatic birth, changed your mind. But you raised this 2 months after the birth and he has responded badly. You've had a horrific birth, he's been unsupportive and then you've changed the plans - I'll move and you can visit me. If someone was going to take my child and say I could work and visit, I don't think my response would be positive.
You both need to stop and communicate properly, have counselling.

BusyLizzie61 · 02/04/2021 08:53

OK. We cross posted.

What you're saying there now is very different.

I think you need to decide whether you want your child growing up in this environment or not. I wouldn't.

Do you want this or not?

To me the obvious way forward right now would be for you to go and stay with your parents. And talk things through about how to move forward.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/04/2021 08:56

It’s still very early after your traumatic birth. Have you been able to access a debrief and counselling. The senior midwife de brief at the hospital was very helpful to me. My GP had never heard of it a friend told me. She also gave me a card so I could contact her if I had another baby (I never did)
Did you want to live with your parents before trauma? I just wonder if it’s linked to that which is understandable.
Do you need to decide re work yet? Your baby is small and you’ll have annual leave etc. I could easily have given up work - awful birth, disabled baby, then me seriously ill but my Mum more than anyone always always pushed benefits of women working and years later I can see it was right decision. Particularly if your marriage is shaky or he is controlling your own money is so helpful.
Again nursery thing was that before or related to birth. I can understand if you’ve missed out due to recovery from birth desire to prolong leave. Babies change a lot and quickly, mine loved nursery a few days and benefited from it.
Don’t make rash decisions and do look after yourself.

Original poster

Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 08:56

I thought I had hit the jackpot thinking he would be the best and supportive family man ever. It’s not been the case by a long shot. I didn’t think this would ever happen and jumped into it all with full trust. I think it’s unfair to say shame I brought a child into this. For a start, I am still trying to make it work and no one plans out to be a single Mum. She will always be able to see him and she’s my whole world so I would never go back in time and change anything no matter what happens. I will make sure she is happy. A happy broken home is better than an unhappy home

OP posts:

AnchorAmore · 02/04/2021 08:57

@Strictly1 yes of course the poor DH. The op should’ve just kept all her feelings and emotions about her traumatic birth and the resulting pyschological issues secret until the poor lamb felt up to discussing the OPs feelings at a time that suited him

ceilingsand · 02/04/2021 08:57

This relationship won't work long term, will it? Be honest with yourself.

Chathamhouserules · 02/04/2021 08:59

Why do you need childcare if youre not planning on going back to work?
I think you are both unreasonable.

Branleuse · 02/04/2021 09:05

Id move back home as soon as you can. This all sounds horrible and you are not obliged to live like that

Strictly1 · 02/04/2021 09:07

[quote AnchorAmore]@Strictly1 yes of course the poor DH. The op should’ve just kept all her feelings and emotions about her traumatic birth and the resulting pyschological issues secret until the poor lamb felt up to discussing the OPs feelings at a time that suited him [/quote]
How my many times do we read on mn that the man doesn't want another child and he's being totally unreasonable etc. Yes, I totally understand why she doesn't want lots/any after her experience, but that does not mean he's not allowed to also have feelings of loss. Has he handled it well? No - he's been cruel. Is the OP made all the right choices and being fair - no.
Just because you give birth does not mean that you then get to make all future choices for the family without compromise or discussion ie I'll live here and you can visit.
I fully sympathise with what the OP has experienced but I would not be helping her to say all of her demands are reasonable, he's a prat, LTB etc.
They are both wrong in different ways and they need to communicate.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 09:15

You don't sound like you want the same things in life and your relationship isn't working.

On top of that, you are not a baby making machine. If you don't think you can face giving birth again, thats the end of the conversation otherwise its emotionally abusive. The fact he is threatening divorce over it, just is the icing on the cake to demonstrate its emotional abuse.

Just cut your loses and divorce

DemobHappy · 02/04/2021 09:16

I think some of your expectations are unreasonable. Insisting on being a SAHM, not putting your child in childcare and moving nearer to your parents isn’t realistic in any marriage. There has to be compromise, and life isn’t always perfect. If you hadn’t agreed on these things before, it’s unfair to just change the goalposts so drastically.

However, all that pales in comparison to his behaviour. The expectation that you will have as many babies as he desires and threats of divorce if you don’t are completely unacceptable. If he is so unsupportive that you actually aren’t getting anything in terms of care from him and need your family to provide what he should be providing...it probably is time to reconsider your marriage.

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2021 09:17

I think you have already made up your mind you want to return to where your mum is, and you are trying to justify the reasons behind that need. Some of the reasons are relevant, others aren’t. I can understand through some of the things you’ve said that it must also be quite frustrating for your DH.

Whatisupwithme · 02/04/2021 09:18

They do not 'sound as bad as each other' - They are not in an equal position of need and vulnerability.

OP has been through a traumatic birth only 6 months ago, has a baby to care for. Her DH has neither of these things (I mean we can pretend he also has a baby to care for).

On top of this, she is living with someone who is not only unsympathetic, but is insisting that she goes through the traumatic experience multiple times again.

You cannot make a comparison with a man that doesn't want anymore children. We really damage things for ourselves and other women on MN when we blindly insist that we live the equal society that we would wish for.

If OP had been through both he'd surgery or had any other kind of significant 6 months ago, I think the responses would be very different. Because it was a birth, people (Inc. OP'S DH) really feel entitled to stick the boot in.

OP should not bend over backwards to be fair to a man that does not give a shit about her. He is not bothered is he?

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 09:18

He isn’t supportive at all emotionally (says horrible names in arguments like f’ing bitch etc and laughs when I cry) and withdraws help practically during an argument.

He's emotionally abusive.

Just leave.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 09:20

They do not 'sound as bad as each other' - They are not in an equal position of need and vulnerability.

Indeed.

Laughing at her when she cries? Come on. Thats not 'as bad as each other'.

Whatisupwithme · 02/04/2021 09:20

Apologies for the typos. That should read if op had been through botched surgery or had another significant injury...

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