Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

I think you need to leave as it's never going to get better.

As a side issue about the working. Often taking a job even a part time one often isn't about the money. It's about getting out and having time to yourself. Making friends. Gaining confidence back. Having a work history for when you may go back full time. Paying into a pension etc. There are countless posts on here where SAHP never worked and needed to leave a relationship and feeing they were trapped as they had nothing. Working is for you as well as maybe adding some additional money to the pot.

@LittleBearPad

He could say that they planned to have several children, that she would work albeit part time, that she’d live at their home.

There’s usually six of one and half dozen of the other in these situations and neither appears to be behaving very reasonably.

Did you miss the part about a traumatic birth?

Not even dignifying the rest of what you wrote as it is apologist enabling claptrap and the sort of thing the hoodwinked mother of an abusive man would trot out.

PS. traumatic labour can trigger PTSD. It might be worth having this investigated. Likewise, a pregnancy and/or first baby is a known trigger for emotional and domestic abuse. I'd recommend you do some research into this.

Unfortunately there is a brand of poster on MN who will always blame the woman, no matter how serious the abuse she may be suffering at the hands of a man. And if it's not her fault they will mitigate it somehow by asking if there's a possibility he 'might have depression', and therefore be in need of support from her (his victim).

Please, OP, don't buy it. It's patently bullshit.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

PS. traumatic labour can trigger PTSD. It might be worth having this investigated. Likewise, a pregnancy and/or first baby is a known trigger for emotional and domestic abuse. I'd recommend you do some research into this.

Unfortunately there is a brand of poster on MN who will always blame the woman, no matter how serious the abuse she may be suffering at the hands of a man. And if it's not her fault they will mitigate it somehow by asking if there's a possibility he 'might have depression', and therefore be in need of support from her (his victim).

Please, OP, don't buy it. It's patently bullshit.

I have birth trauma which caused ptsd and three years in I still have flashbacks about it so yes i agree it can be very serious indeed

YANBU not to want a second child, especially so soon after a traumatic birth, and on this your husband is being really awful. However, if you and he did not agree before having children that you would be a SAHM, you are being very unreasonable to expect him to be the sole working adult in the family. And your issues around childminders/nurseries are not reasonable and speak of an anxiety you should address.

Sounds like an utterly shit marriage.

You thought he was going to be a great father, hands on, involved, supportive, etc. That’s part of the reason you married him. He thought you’d want loads of kids, which is part of why he married you. Obviously you’re not “obliged” to pop out more babies for him. It all sounds like a business deal that’s gone wrong, not a marriage.

I think you’re making a very strange choice of going to your parents for 3 days when you’re at work. I doubt many new parents would be happy for their spouse to do that if it could be avoided. I also think he’s an utter bastard to laugh at you when you cry.

@Cleverpolly3 No I didn’t. DC1’s birth was pretty horrible, but nevertheless DC2 is sitting next to me.

I’m not being an apologist but there are two sides to this and in the middle a small baby whose parents aren’t behaving terribly maturely.

No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage, whatever the 'story' is. This one sounds like a particularly miserable one.

Please please leave this abusive (abusive psychologically, verbally, coercive, gas lighting), controlling, unkind man.

Get a divorce and take the house. Then sell it and buy one near your parents.

This is not love. This is not happiness. This is not good enough for you.

This is a big yikes from me.

It’s not really a marriage or even a relationship is it? It’s sounds more like a transaction took place. On his part he thought he was signing up to getting a wife, five children and a compliant family. On your part you thought you were getting a supportive husband and I’m not sure what else....the way you speak about him is quite strange it’s not a marriage anyway.

He’s emotionally abusive (eg saying he could find another wife wtf?!) and clearly isn’t supportive of you. You have some strange ideas as well but it’s hard to know if those are in response to his emotional abuse and your traumatic birth. Overall there appears to be absolutely no love there (despite you claiming to love him) and to be honest it doesn’t sound like you even like each other as people let alone respect and love each other.

Divorce sounds like the best option. The only issue now you need to consider is your poor 6th month old caught in the cross fire. It doesn’t sound like anything will be amicable or any compromises made for the benefit of your child.

@LittleBearPad
Just appalling how you apply a pretty horrible birth” and your second child being there in such a flippant way in this instance

Birth trauma is devastating.

The childcare issue needs resolving but this is a red herring IMO

The real issue that needs resolving is that this man is controlling and abusive treating his wife and mother of his child as an incubator and someone he could replace if he so wished.

[quote LittleBearPad]@Cleverpolly3 No I didn’t. DC1’s birth was pretty horrible, but nevertheless DC2 is sitting next to me.

I’m not being an apologist but there are two sides to this and in the middle a small baby whose parents aren’t behaving terribly maturely.[/quote]
You are completely being an apologist. So because you had a second child after a ‘pretty terrible’ birth you think the op should after a traumatic birth where her MP had to get involved. Way to blame the woman - because you were able to do it she has to too to appease her husband regardless of her own wants?

OP: not wanting to go through the trauma of child birth again, anxiety over leaving her baby (likely directly linked) and wanting to be near her parents since her husband turns into an abusive spouse

DH: abusive, calling his wife a bitch, laughing when his traumatised wife cries, threatening to divorce and replace her if she doesn’t birth him the children he expects regardless of all she’s been through and get a new wife, providing her with no support when their baby is only 6 months old and, creating trouble when OP visits her parents for the support her DH wont give her. OP parents afraid to visit as her DH has created such an atmosphere.

Yet you say there’s two sides to it.....

@RandomMess

It sounds as though he is being emotionally abusive towards you:

Prevents you from spending time with your family
Name calling
Putting you down
Trying to dictate what you do
Not doing his share
Insisting you have more children
Zero emotional support, in fact the opposite

Whilst I think refusing to use a nursery/childminder is unreasonable I suspect your traumatic birth & PND are a factor.

Please consider leaving this man. Go to your parents and stay it sounds like you need space and to be honest with them about how it really is.

It sounds like you married quickly before you knew him. It all sounds like he love bombed you and now you are trapped the real him shines through - it's all about what he wants, his way or the high way.

This

Oh whatever @Cleverpolly3 and @ForeverAintEnough12 I didn’t say she should have another child.

I said things may change - time heals. Six months after DC1’s birth I wouldn’t have wanted another child but two years later I did. The hyperbole from you and is absurd.

@LittleBearPad

Oh whatever *@Cleverpolly3 and @ForeverAintEnough12* I didn’t say she should have another child.

I said things may change - time heals. Six months after DC1’s birth I wouldn’t have wanted another child but two years later I did. The hyperbole from you and is absurd.

You are absolutely clueless about the real issues in this persons life which is fuck all to do with childcare and all to do with the fact she is with an abusive piece of shit who six months after a traumatic birth experience for her is trying to bully her into the whole thing all over again and more

Well said @Cleverpolly3

Childcare?

But thanks for proving my point about the hyperbole

@LittleBearPad

Childcare?

But thanks for proving my point about the hyperbole

What do you mean “childcare?” Have you read the OP?

Look, I think you come across as disconnected from this woman’s reality in more ways than one. I think you know that and you know you’re lucky to be in that position.
Some of us are less fortunate
Perhaps myself included and in more than one level of this thread.

There is nothing hyperbolic about telling you I find you to be as I have just described here, particularly on the basis of your “pretty horrible birth but here I am looking at DC2” .

If you want to dress up your irritation wi try someone giving you a dose of home truths so be it but get your understanding of matters straight before describing my statement as something it is not.

Do you really think this situation is going to be retrievable?

Do you think its a healthy loving relationship when a man laughs in the face of his crying wife?
Do you think its a healthy loving relationship when a man says he will divorce his wife for not fulfilling his expectations for many children when she's only 6 months after a traumatic birth which was so bad an MP has been involved?

Do you REALLY think that there's a long term future in which the OP will be happy and respected and treated as an equal in the relationship?

I don't believe the shit about there being 'two sides' to this. But even if there were, can you really see a way back to a decent happy and healthy relationship after the above points?

I don't and those two points alone should be ringing major alarm bells and raising the question of whether its worth prolonging the agony of this. Just how much has to change for it to be retrievable and who has to do the changing? Do they have the willingness to do this? When one party is saying 'should I divorce him' and the other party is saying 'I should divorce you for not giving me enough children so I can hook up with someone who will' do you think thats likely and there is motivation?

The relationship is dead from what I see here. Its more a question of how long it takes for that to play out.

@Cleverpolly3 I can only assume you’re not British if you’re picking @LittleBearPad up on saying “pretty horrible”. One person’s pretty horrible can be another’s traumatic. It’s classic British understatement.

[quote Kimye4eva]**@Cleverpolly3* I can only assume you’re not British if you’re picking @LittleBearPad* up on saying “pretty horrible”. One person’s pretty horrible can be another’s traumatic. It’s classic British understatement.[/quote]
I’m English
What kind of tosh are you now spouting
As someone who’s had a pretty horrid post delivery experience and someone who was referred for brith trauma counselling with the next one after what happened once he was here I can assure you that is something that transcends language or culture

@RedToothBrush

Do you really think this situation is going to be retrievable?

Do you think its a healthy loving relationship when a man laughs in the face of his crying wife?
Do you think its a healthy loving relationship when a man says he will divorce his wife for not fulfilling his expectations for many children when she's only 6 months after a traumatic birth which was so bad an MP has been involved?

Do you REALLY think that there's a long term future in which the OP will be happy and respected and treated as an equal in the relationship?

I don't believe the shit about there being 'two sides' to this. But even if there were, can you really see a way back to a decent happy and healthy relationship after the above points?

I don't and those two points alone should be ringing major alarm bells and raising the question of whether its worth prolonging the agony of this. Just how much has to change for it to be retrievable and who has to do the changing? Do they have the willingness to do this? When one party is saying 'should I divorce him' and the other party is saying 'I should divorce you for not giving me enough children so I can hook up with someone who will' do you think thats likely and there is motivation?

The relationship is dead from what I see here. Its more a question of how long it takes for that to play out.

This is just a perfect summation of the situation

I’d be hoping he runs in to the sunset with his new wife.

@Cleverpolly3 you are making no sense. You brought up childcare that I couldn’t understand. Odd