Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

192 replies

Tiredmum2021 · 01/04/2021 23:24

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FuckYouCorona · 02/04/2021 02:34

I do think you should divorce. You don't respect each others views. Good luck. Flowers

Josette77 · 02/04/2021 02:40

You both are unreasonable and disrespectful. I'm not sure how it will work.

CloudFormations · 02/04/2021 03:19

He sounds horrible. 6 months pp is way too soon for him to be pressuring you about further children, and his comments about getting a different wife are shit.

I think you are being unreasonable in some of your views - it’s really not feasible for you to refuse childcare and rely on your family who are miles away, and that topic should really have been discussed before you had a baby. I also don’t think it’s fair for one party to decide they don’t want to work - it can put a lot of pressure on the other party to be the sole earner. But neither of these things make you abusive, whereas his behaviour is bullying and horrible.

Aprilx · 02/04/2021 03:25

He sounds horrible, but frankly so do you for different reasons. I don’t even understand why you are together, you are not a team, you are not on the same page about anything. You would probably both be better with divorce.

givemesteel · 02/04/2021 05:19

For goodness sake why does the OP sound horrible when she wants to move closer to her mum to get some support, which is obviously lacking in her marriage?

When they moved to Kent she obviously thought he was going to be a better husband and dad.

OP, get together as much info as you can on your finances, discretely speak to a divorce lawyer (I would pay for an appointment not just the free chat) and get an idea of the sort of settlement you'd get from divorcing. You need to make the decision with your eyes open (eg smaller house, less income etc).

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 05:26

He's being unreasonable re: convincing you to hage another baby after what you've been through.

You're being unfair refusing to work part time and insisting on being a SAHM, therefore forcing all financial responsibility to him. You're also being ridiculous and irrational saying you need to travel for 2 hours instead of put your child in child care 2 days a week Hmm hardly going to traumatise her and seema like you're being unnecessarily difficult regarding this.

But he sounds awful so I'd LTB.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 05:30

Also YABU to move to Dorset and break up your family and let him be just a weekend dad. Being near your mum won't help you recover from a traumatic birth, you need professional help. He DOES sound vile, but if I moved to a new place so that I could work, and my husband refused to work but also decided he wanted to leave me to work alone and provide for a family I won't even see for 5 days a week, I'd be angry too.

moochingtothepub · 02/04/2021 05:41

There's bits here where he is being unreasonable and parts where you are. Having another child so soon, even if discussed prior to giving birth to dc1 should not be pressurised, circumstances change, but equally it's unreasonable for you to not want to work or use childcare local to you, surely this was discussed? It also seems he's open to moving at some point, but because you haven't long moved he wants to wait a bit (reasonable). The unreasonable comments made to you seem to be ones in an argument

DailyCandy · 02/04/2021 05:57

Don’t bother with counselling. He’s a pathetic bastard and you will be well rid of him.

Everyday21 · 02/04/2021 05:59

Had you discussed childcare before you had a child? I agree in part on the nursery thing, I wouldnt send my children until they could speak properly but your op hints that you want to be a sahm indefinitely which your dh shouldn't have to support.

My children went to my mum until they were 2.5 but my mum already lived close to us.

He sounds abusive though and the things he has said are awful. I think youd be better off divorcing

Original poster
Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 05:59

Thank you all for your responses. I just wanted to
add that I haven’t demanded we moved from
Kent straight away. It could be two years then we looked for a compromise of somewhere closer to
my parents. I don’t judge others at all for getting one but i would feel uneasy using a childminder I didn’t know when she can’t talk yet. I don’t know anyone properly in the area so don’t trust anyone’s recommendation either. Perhaps I am being overprotective but can’t help
It! I wanted to
Do the two hour trip to my folks so I could work from home and they looked after her from there. Tbh it is the last straw as originally I could compromise living in Kent as I thought I would be properly supported by him. The fact is I haven’t been and I did also want lots of children but didn’t factor in such an awful birth!! Two kids should still
count even if originally he wanted something like

  1. I thought I would mean enough to him. I wouldn’t just be moving from Kent because I ‘missed my Mummy’. He also said lots of times
Before when discussing having five kids that I could have time off work. I’m not expecting never to go back, it’s because when the cost nannies etc involved anyway my salary would make barely Any difference! Not at all because I just feel entitled. He can have the same commute from Somewhere closer to my parents. He can’t provide me the basic emotional stability I was sold. I don’t want to separate the family Unit as do want to do what’s best for my daughter and I want him to see her as much as possible which is why I have suggested this. Thanks again xx
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmum2021 · 02/04/2021 06:10

This all started when less than two months after I had her and said I could only face doing this once more (I wouldn’t if was by myself) that he said I had trapped him and fuc* him over! Just to give an idea of the level of emotional support I have received. He has deliberately held back practical support on many occasions as a result which I why I need the support from my family. To me, it should be immaterial where we live when I am
This unbelievably unhappy and he can still have his job in London. I have suggested until he sold the house in Kent that we got a place near my parents as I have savings and he came down Thurs night and worked from home Friday and stayed the weekends. Lots of Men who work in London do this anyway and on top of that he is looking for a new job anyway which could be closer so he could commute from our new location. It’s not ideal at all but the only way I can stay in this marriage. If he might divorce me because two kids doesn’t count then I want to be fully near family as a single Mum.

OP posts:
silverstrawberry · 02/04/2021 06:13

He sounds controlling and possibly wants you to have many kids to keep you tied to him he sounds like my ex they control your work schedule and the amount of children you have so you won't have a chance to leave them

drpet49 · 02/04/2021 06:18

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

I agree with this. You both sound as bad as each other. Why are you so reliant on help from your family?

Babyboomtastic · 02/04/2021 06:30

When you say that he's not properly supporting your, do you mean he's not pulling his weight as a parent, is do you mean he's not financially wanting to support you bring a SAHM?

MaMaD1990 · 02/04/2021 06:30

It sounds like compromises are needed on both sides here and it's unfortunate that they are all surrounding big life decisions. Firstly, its absolutely your right to say when or if you want another child but it is also his right to feel upset about not having as many as he wanted. It's fair for him to ask you to work as well, although you think money is fine, he may not want to be the only earner (what if he lost his job? What would happen then?) and its not uncommon for there to be money issues hidden from a wife. You are putting yourself between a rock and hard place with regards to childcare. This is a decision you both need to decide on and if you won't budge, I can imagine he is feeling quite upset. Some of his comments aren't nice though and I would probably recommend some coubciling to see if you can work through your troubles. It sounds like you are both quite upset and angry and words are possibly being said from an angry place and not really meant. Get some professional help and see how the land lays.

Palaver1 · 02/04/2021 06:31

It not likely to work such unrealistic demands on both of you.
I’m looking into the future .
You would both need some sort of marriage guidance support,
You also need support to address the traumatic birth,
It’s easy for us looking in to give advice ,only you can decide on what you want but don’t do anything that will make you resentful and unhappy.
I

Babyboomtastic · 02/04/2021 06:33

Is there any specific reason that he wants so many children btw?

pictish · 02/04/2021 06:36

You both want your own way. He lacks understanding and empathy for you after your traumatic birth and you have some half-baked idea about him living away in London during the week so you can be near your family because you won’t use a childminder.
I don’t know what the answer is...but you’re both being unreasonable.

As for having five kids...I’m with you. No thanks.

rainbowfairydust · 02/04/2021 06:38

It will only get worse the more children you have, if you can't get along and agree things now with 1 child, don't bank on things getting better with more children. If another birth is hard, he will resent that, you will resent him, you will then end up resenting not being near family and the work thing.

Mummy1608 · 02/04/2021 06:39

Lots of pp are commenting that OP is unreasonable for not wanting to use childcare but have this awkward arrangement. While I do agree, I want to defend the OP...

I'm 7m postpartum from a traumatic birth and just healing from ppd. My baby had her first day in nursery this week, ready for me to start work in a couple of months. I had been dreading it. I kept thinking I'm wrong, selfish to want to leave my baby with strangers, she'll hate it and be flooded with stress hormone etc. Tbh judgy mums in the parenting section of MN haven't helped "at 7m all a baby needs is to be with their mother" etc. I was genuinely considering quitting my job, which I love, to be a sahm which I'd hate. And yes, my dh and I fully discussed childcare/career plans before she was born. But you feel differently when your tiny vulnerable baby arrives. You feel differently when crippled with ppd. You get overwhelmed and bewildered with anxiety and self doubt. (Well, I say "you". I did.)

My DH is wonderful, so patient, willing to talk over the same conversation 100 times and look at every option. We'd struggle on one income but he'd have done it. I can't imagine coping while feeling like I did if I hadn't had his support. As it happens my baby got on great on her first day. It's early days but I think she will be fine.

So yeah, while the op is currently being unreasonable about childcare options, it's understandable 6m PP from a traumatic birth. She needs supportive, reassuring conversations with her husband, not "I could get another wife".

Janxyb · 02/04/2021 06:55

Hi OP I don't have much advice, sorry.
I just wanted to suggest you contact the birth trauma association (if you haven't already) 💐

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 06:59

You are a board mare to him - nothing more. And he has effectively even said that even if you have another child there is no guarantee he will stay with you as he wants many children - what an EGO! He knows you had a dreadful birth but is still bullying you into further children (your baby is only 6 months for heaven's sake! Even if you both wanted more, you would be best to give your body time to recover)

He has no thought for your physical, emotional or mental welfare.

He wants a wife to come home to every night, but you are still expected not only to work but to add 2 hours travel onto your work day and organise childcare that you feel safe and comfortable with.

You aren't in love with him- you are in love with the man you thought he was.

Pack your stuff, pick up your baby and LTB - this will only get worse and i can promise you he will dump you anyway - probably in a few years time when you are so ill, exhausted and broken you won't be able to pick your life up for a very long time. Go to your mum and be looked after for a few weeks until you can work out how best to cope with this,

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 07:00

Just out of interest - how much does he do in the home?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 02/04/2021 07:02

It's messy , no one on here can pick it apart . Even if we could tell you who's in the wrong it wouldn't fix anything. If you want any chance of happiness you need to part and do it now before your baby gets much older .
Good luck in the future , I was very unhappy living away from family and no support so I know how that feels.