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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

192 replies

Tiredmum2021 · 01/04/2021 23:24

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Kimye4eva · 02/04/2021 23:10

What kind of tosh are you now spouting
As someone who’s had a pretty horrid post delivery experience and someone who was referred for brith trauma counselling with the next one after what happened once he was here I can assure you that is something that transcends language or culture

@Cleverpolly3 you’ve really lost the plot now. You’ve just referred to your own “pretty horrid” experience.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 00:31

@Kimye4eva

*What kind of tosh are you now spouting As someone who’s had a pretty horrid post delivery experience and someone who was referred for brith trauma counselling with the next one after what happened once he was here I can assure you that is something that transcends language or culture*

@Cleverpolly3 you’ve really lost the plot now. You’ve just referred to your own “pretty horrid” experience.

No it wasn’t pretty horrid

It was beyond horrific
Hope that makes you happy
Take your inverted commas and shove them back up your own arse

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 00:33

[quote LittleBearPad]@Cleverpolly3 you are making no sense. You brought up childcare that I couldn’t understand. Odd[/quote]
ODFOD

Justilou1 · 03/04/2021 02:11

He is not a nice man at all. He is dangling the inevitability of getting a new wife to crush your self confidence when you are already traumatized. He is not recognizing that you have sacrificed a LOT for him by moving (your entire support system, for a start.) HE is supposed to be your support system and he has turned against you. Leave.

Kimye4eva · 03/04/2021 06:38

But you used the words “pretty horrific” yourself @Cleverpolly3 .

So I think I’ll leave those inverted commas for you to shove up your own arse.

WarriorN · 03/04/2021 07:54

Op, I'm sorry the thread had become rather nasty.

I would definitely suggest speaking to the Gp about some of the things that have been going on, especially forcing you to have more children and withholding support etc, as this is a safeguarding red flag. More for your safety but still a red flag.

I'd also suggest speaking to them re ptsd as your husbands actions / attitude are contributing to this. There are services eg counselling that can support and some women find a service called birthing reflections helpful (I think it's called that.)

DarkMatterA2Z · 03/04/2021 08:07

Can't believe the apologists for domestic abuse on this thread.

lazylinguist · 03/04/2021 09:00

Regardless of who is being unreasonable about childcare, moving house etc, this tells anyone all they need to know:

He isn’t supportive at all emotionally (says horrible names in arguments like f’ing bitch etc and laughs when I cry)

The OP's husband is clearly a grade A arsehole, and that is plenty reason enough to LTB on its own.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 09:54

@Kimye4eva

But you used the words “pretty horrific” yourself *@Cleverpolly3*

So I think I’ll leave those inverted commas for you to shove up your own arse.

You’ll have to get them out of yours first you pedant

Kimye4eva · 03/04/2021 10:08

@Cleverpolly3 I’m happy to be a pedant if it means pulling posters up when they have been unnecessarily and hypocritically rude to others.

lazylinguist · 03/04/2021 10:29

Wow - it's so edifying when posters turn a thread by an OP in distress into a petty slanging match of their own.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 10:40

[quote Kimye4eva]@Cleverpolly3 I’m happy to be a pedant if it means pulling posters up when they have been unnecessarily and hypocritically rude to others.[/quote]
I pulled up a poster who said she had a pretty horrible first birth but time heals and here she was sat looking at her second child

On the basis - and she can come along and correct me if I’m wrong - that she was neither in an abusive relationship nor had in fact been so traumatised by the delivery of her first child that her local MP became involved I suggested she was being flippant and had not had the same experience. That is not rude.

You then chose to wade in over whether pretty horrible is that different necessarily to traumatic and whether I was in fact British because I seemed to be in need of some sort of lesson as to the cultural nuances of the use of “pretty”. You then decided to critique my use of the word pretty horrific in relation to horrible.

Essentially you decided to focus on this rather than chose to look at the fact that the poster I took issue with has been one of several commentators on this thread that have dismissed or criticised the OP when she is clearly being abused and feels trapped.

Not only are you indeed a pedant but defending a post which essentially patted an abused woman on the head.

Nice work.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/04/2021 10:42

@lazylinguist

Wow - it's so edifying when posters turn a thread by an OP in distress into a petty slanging match of their own.

I am not having a slanging match I am starting doing up to people on this thread that think the OP is being precious and actually seem to think all she needs is to give it time and stop being pathetic about childcare worries.

The OP is clearly in an abusive situation and one I can empathise with sadly in many ways.

So don’t include me in your virtue signalling

lazylinguist · 03/04/2021 16:14

Ok, well if you think that continuing argument is helpful to the OP, carry on I guess.

LittleBearPad · 04/04/2021 09:43

I wasn’t being flippant. You have no idea what my first birth was like nor the experiences I had following it but chose to dismiss them; good for you.

Cleverpolly3 · 04/04/2021 12:00

@lazylinguist

Ok, well if you think that continuing argument is helpful to the OP, carry on I guess.

You call it arguing

I prefer to think of it as calling out posters who are undermining and dismissing the realities of the highly abusive situation this woman is trapped in when I continue to suspect their lived experiences don’t resemble hers at all.

Cleverpolly3 · 04/04/2021 12:07

@LittleBearPad

I wasn’t being flippant. You have no idea what my first birth was like nor the experiences I had following it but chose to dismiss them; good for you.

I said if you were in fact trapped in abusive relationship where you were effectively reduced to the status of an incubator but despite experiencing such hideous birth trauma your local MP was involved that your husband was still browbeating your I would stand corrected.

You haven’t clarified that but I’m hoping and suspecting that this is not the situation for you.

You might have had a pretty horrible birth, millions of women do.
I don’t know if you were referred for birth trauma counselling or not.

However, in terms of the first response of yours which said it was six of one half a dozen of the other and that two adults were not behaving maturely I found that disconnect and attitude abysmal which in the context of your subsequently having disclosed to experiencing a horrible birth I find even more peculiar.

There is no dismissing of anything about you on my part. The dismissiveness comes entirely from you transposing your own infinitely happier circumstances onto this women’s nightmare

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