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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a termination in these circumstances?

181 replies

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:18

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/04/2021 19:20

What do you want to do?

That's all that counts.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2021 19:21

I think whatever you do has pros and cons. If you’re sensible, you will be able to focus on the advantages of the choice you make and not dwell too much on the what ifs. Absolutely fine to have a termination if that’s what’s best for you and your existing family.

Sparklesocks · 01/04/2021 19:23

You aren’t unreasonable for considering a termination, you need to do what feels right and what your gut tells you. Flowers

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/04/2021 19:24

I know what I'd do in your circumstances, but I am not you, and of course you're the only one who can make that choice. I will say though, all the things you've identified as problems are exactly the things that would worry me as well, and I would not carry on with a pregnancy in that situation. I wish you the very best in making your decision.

Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2021 19:25

You need to work out what you really want to do. It’s not a choice anyone else can or should make.

However, I’m 42 with two children (8&3) and if I were unexpectedly pregnant now I’d have a termination without hesitation. Pregnancy was hell, raising the kids is hard and I’m only just getting to grips with life again. There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘enough’.

TigerBeetle · 01/04/2021 19:26

Personally, given all the information in your post, I would not go ahead with this pregnancy. However it is 100% up to you. Good luck with your decision Flowers

Trixie78 · 01/04/2021 19:26

A lot of women have babies at 40 these days, I did so not really a barrier. It just depends whether you want to or not, deep down you know what you want to do so go with your gut xx

Formulation123 · 01/04/2021 19:27

I have the same conversation about ttc for a third it’s just not logically but my heart says to have another. I agree with pp, picture yourself at 70 retired and looking round the dinning table, is there 2 or 3 children coming for Sunday dinner?

Atalantea · 01/04/2021 19:27

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
really? i think there are a lot of people who would disagree with that

You can both regret the children you had and the ones you didnt have, and equally not regret the children you had and the ones you didnt have.

What ever you do OP, i wish you the best , you sound tired. What ever you decide, it will be the right decision

Original poster
impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:28

Cant begin to say how grateful I am for your posts, thank you so much. I haven't told anyone in real life apart from my husband and there is literally a lump in my throat at reading all these gentle words

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2021 19:28

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
Sorry but this is entirely untrue.

I know several people who have children they regret having and others who have zero regrets about terminations.

Babies are hard work and thinking about how you cope needs to be done realistically and not with a romantic notion of ‘struggle’.

YawnyOwl · 01/04/2021 19:29

Keep the baby OP Flowers if you've been considering a third, now is a good time. You're not old, you've still got little kids, and your DH sounds supportive

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 19:29

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
Not at all true. I regret one of mine. I know others who do, too.
DowntonCrabby · 01/04/2021 19:30

YANBU to consider a termination for whatever reason you have and regardless of what anyone else would do. FlowersFlowers

Happycat1212 · 01/04/2021 19:30

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't.

I disagree with this completely and due to the amount of neglected children it’s clear that people CAN actually regret children they have had.

Ohnomoreno · 01/04/2021 19:32

Been there, same age. Kept it. Some days it is hard but of course it's not really possible to regret a child. That's always the difficult bit, isn't it, the regret is one way but the risks to your life happiness are real. I wrote endless lists for and against, but in the end it all came down to just not being able to cope with the guilt of a termination. I lost an amazing job and my life now is washing, cooking, cleaning, but then so is many people's. I'm quite happy, the person who it's really affected though is my DH. He just isn't as happy, he would never admit it though.

LST · 01/04/2021 19:36

I'm only 30, but my dc are 9 and 7. If I found myself pregnant now I wouldn't hesitate to terminate. But everyone is different and only you can decide. There is no wrong answer. Sorry you're in this position x

Doveyouknow · 01/04/2021 19:37

Its fine to consider it. Thinking you might want a third in an abstract way is not the same as the reality of having a third when you are struggling already. Good luck with your decision Flowers

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 19:37

but of course it's not really possible to regret a child.

Yes, it is Hmm Sounds like your husband does, too.

I'd have a termination in your shoes, OP. But it's your choice entirely.

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 19:39

No one else can make the decision for you but I am also 40 with two young children and I would not continue the pregnancy in your situation.

I got pregnant accidentally about 2 years ago and I was booked for a termination but I miscarried naturally beforehand.

I have felt huge relief many times that I do not have another baby now. I am looking forward to actually getting rid of the baby stuff and looking forwards.

ScarfaceCwaw · 01/04/2021 19:41

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't

Why do people repeat this crap? People regret the children they did have all the time. And that burden usually has to be borne by the child in some measure too.

OP, this is a really hard decision and I wish you the best in making it. I think you can only weigh it up and then listen to yourself. Neither decision is wrong and you will go on and be okay whatever decision you make as long as you've listened to and trusted yourself. I don't regret my children and I also don't regret the termination I had. Flowers

riotlady · 01/04/2021 19:42

You can only go with what you really want. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to terminate and it’s what I would do in your shoes

Druidlookingidiot · 01/04/2021 19:42

In a loving relationship with a supportive DH, I would not have a termination. I have three DC and my third is the an amazing human being. That's probably why I've said I wouldn't have a termination.

Whatever you decide @impossiblenow, please be absolutely certain it's the right thing for you. Flowers

TheFiend · 01/04/2021 19:43

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
This isn’t true at all and actually quite a cruel thing to say to someone considering termination.

Op, you have a little time to think things through fully and decide on what you want to do. You have the benefit of a supportive husband so discuss things with him and make a decision. I had a late miscarriage at 40 and I was in two minds when we found out I was pregnant again. The thought of having to do the baby stage all over again was terrifying. In the end, the decision was made for us but, in all honestly, I think I would have terminated as I was already exhausted.