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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider a termination in these circumstances?

181 replies

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:18

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

OP posts:

elliemara · 01/04/2021 19:45

It must be so hard but I don't think I could go against my heart OP
I think the heart is often wiser than the head.

elliemara · 01/04/2021 19:46

(in my case, anyway - I realise it's very individual)

AmelieTaylor · 01/04/2021 19:46

@impossiblenow

Which posts are resonating with you?

It sounds like it's now or never for you, so do you want another baby or not?

Therearehouses · 01/04/2021 19:46

@DowntonCrabby

YANBU to consider a termination for whatever reason you have and regardless of what anyone else would do.

Came here to say exactly this. Wishing you the best with your decision.

3AndStopping · 01/04/2021 19:46

I was in your position a few months ago, I’d have days I was adamant I was having a termination & days I was adamant I couldn’t. You need to just go through the motions OP, I’m sorry you’re in this position... it sucks.

For what it’s worth, I didn’t go through with an abortion & am now 20 weeks along. It’s no where near as daunting or scary as it was in those first weeks. We came round in time...

You really have to do what is right for you & your family OP, take your time.

SpnBaby1967 · 01/04/2021 19:49

No one here can tell you the right answer, the right answer is what works for you and your family.

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 01/04/2021 19:49

I have three DC and had them close together. I always wanted three and am glad we did it that way but the third nearly finished us off! We’re out of babies now (youngest is 5) and if I were to fall pregnant again I would not be able to keep it. I had a termination 2 years before our eldest was born and don’t regret it at all. It was not the right time for us and our lives would be radically different now if we had chosen to keep it.
Not your situation but I knew at the time I wouldn’t regret terminating and still don’t 13 years on. And know I absolutely couldn’t cope with more children! I think that’s a gut feeling as I always wanted the third desperately and that feeling for babies is totally gone. Do you have that still?

Shoppingwithmother · 01/04/2021 19:49

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.

I’m sorry, but I think that’s bollocks - a really sweeping generalisation. Some people will regret children that they had. Also lots and lots of people do not at all regret potential children that they didn’t have.

You should just think carefully, talk it over with your husband, and do what seems best for you all as a family. Do remember though, that despite what happens to everyone in TV dramas, etc, it is perfectly possible to have a termination through your own pragmatic choice and not regret it at all.

Doingitalloveragain · 01/04/2021 19:52

I completely understand your dilemma. I had 2 older children (10 and 13) and found out I was pregnant last year at almost 38. I really thought I was done but for me I knew I couldn't go ahead with a termination, this was ultimately taken out of my hands as I was 26 weeks at my first scan! No real pregnancy symptoms thought it was early menopause. I was in a major panic but like yours my dh was fantastic and so supportive. We now have a 5 month old who I wouldn't change for the world. I won't lie it has been really tough at times but I can't imagine not having him now.
I just wanted to give you a positive perspective but at the end of the day whatever decision you make needs to be right for you and your family and you have absolutely no need to feel guilty either way

dundermifflinpapersalesman1 · 01/04/2021 19:55

I think its up to you if you want to consider an abortion or not. Only you know what's the right or wrong decision or not. If your 100% not ready/ prepared for a child then its the right decision your on the pill so its not as if you've been careless and gotten pregnant. You've protected your self and its failed. I know someone who a;so had the pill fail her and didn't even know she was pregnant. She got an abortion in around the last week you can have one. It was the right decision for her as she wasn't ready and had been taking her pill. It was the pill that failed her not her failing by being careless. Spend a little time talking to your husband and come to a decision together. Whatever you decide is ok though!! Don't feel like you've done a bad thing if you do go ahead with an abortion. I hope you are ok with whatever decision you guys make.

HowManyToes · 01/04/2021 19:57

@Murtaghjames

What fucking horrible, guilt tripping pile of shite.

Dingleydel · 01/04/2021 19:58

I can only speak from experience as a very exhausted mum with 2 young children who decided to abort accidental 3rd pregnancy. I haven’t regretted it for 1second. I knew I couldn’t divide myself between 3 despite loving the ‘idea’ of 3, and always wanting 3 (I’m one of 3 myself). I knew I wouldn’t be the best mum to my children if I went through with it. You don’t always regret an abortion. Only you can decide what’s right for you and your family. Good luck.

Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2021 20:01

You have the answer yourself, OP.
Your thread was titled AIBU to consider a termination
NOT
AIBU to go ahead with this unexpected pregnancy

Do you want to learn how to cut pies into 5 rather than 4?

Mummysgonetobed · 01/04/2021 20:04

Op you are entirely not unreasonable to be considering all your options. Not at all. Take your time to work out what you actually want, play through all the different scenarios in your mind and see how you feel.

I was in your shoes 3 years ago at 40 and I had the baby. He’s a wonderful child but my god it’s changed our lives, and not for the better at the moment and I cannot wait until they’re all older. It’s hard, really hard and I can’t honestly say I’d make the same decision if I had my time again.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/04/2021 20:04

@Murtaghjames

There are plenty of MN threads from people who regret having children

Original poster

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 20:04

I appreciate that nobody here can tell me what to choose, but being able to hear people talking about termination in a normal way makes it seem like less of an impossible choice. The posts that resonate with me here are the ones that do that. I'm so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to post. I can't talk about it in real life because I am too afraid that other people would have their own opinions about what I should do and might disapprove of my choice if I do choose to terminate.

Which is probably what I will do - my husband and I have talked it over and he says it's my body, my choice, and that he will support whatever I want. Which is really great but it has meant that I have to be the one to make the final decision. The way I feel now is that there are lots of people who need me, including myself, and I don't think there's enough of me left to give any more to another baby. I would love them, but would I be able to get up in the night for them, every night, for however long more? If I'm being realistic, probably not.

Thanks so much everyone, you have all helped me so much

OP posts:

pallisers · 01/04/2021 20:06

Well I would in your circumstances and I was quite clear with dh that this is what I would do if I became accidentally pregnant after our last one was born.

The shite about not regretting the children you have only the ones you don't... it is just pure shite.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 01/04/2021 20:08

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do

Treating tough decisions as a choice between "regrets vs no regrets" is a recipe for making bad decisions.

Life is not a Disney film where choice A results in regret and choice B results in living happily ever after. The reality is that as loss-averse beings a sense of regret follows most decisions in some form, whether that be at a trivial level after switching queues and seeing your previous line speed up, or at the much more serious level you're contemplating.

When you have to make a decision about a situation you didn't want to be in in the first place, there is always going to be emotional distress and "what if?" whichever path you take. It's the nature of being human.

Your op is a description of the regrets you will have if you continue, and fear of regrets if you don't continue.

So the real question to ask yourself - and the one to listen to your gut about - is about the quality of life you will have in each scenario. Is it worth jeopardising the life you have now to try and avoid some difficult emotions (which you may not even experience), or would continuing enhance your life?

And then be kind to yourself if you have tough moments and remind yourself there was no perfect decision available to you, just the least bad one you could make at the time.

Original poster

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 20:10

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd that is a really helpful way of putting it, thank you

OP posts:

Slowestjog · 01/04/2021 20:20

Op you sound like a great mum and wife. You are thinking about everyone's needs and I am delighted to hear you speak about your own needs. My mum always says 'you are a person too and you are important. '

For what it's worth I'm a bit younger than you with 2 young children. I like the idea of 3 and I've always been pretty sure I couldn't have a termination. ( No judgement on others. ) However the balancing act with two especially when one was a lockdown baby has really made me think I'm not cut out for three. I would love the baby but we would all suffer so I think I would prioritise my existing children and our marriage and have to terminate.

There isn't a right answer just the best choice for your family. Take your time whatever you decide will be right!

wouldthatbeworse · 01/04/2021 20:21

Whatever you do, please don’t be guilty . Thinking of the family you already have and the impact on them is really valid. It’s not so much that you would regret a much loved extra child it’s more that in a sliding doors moment would your life be better sticking as you are. I have 2 small kids also and do appreciate how very very draining it can be.

Letsrunabath · 01/04/2021 20:22

I had the opposite age situation, fell pregnant at 25 married 3 years and just getting on our feet. Went ahead with a termination and it did upset me but I felt it was the right thing to do for us. 7 years later had my first child 2 years after my second and I still to this day think we took the correct path for our family.
Your life your choice but it doesn’t have to be regretted.

PADH · 01/04/2021 20:23

YANBU at all to consider a termination under your circumstances. You sound exhausted OP and youve certainly got your hands full.

I can't advise you what to do, as its a decision only you can make. But whatever your decision, don't beat yourself up. You have a lot of conflicting priorities and responsibilities, so it's naturally a difficult decision to make. Go with your gut, and don't second guess yourself.

I'm glad your DH is on board either way. I hope things ease up for you regarding everything else you have on your plate. Best of luck to you, whatever your decision

LittleMimi · 01/04/2021 20:24

You never regret the children you have

I know lots of people have commented on this, but I just wanted to add that people who believe this likely think it because it’s a lot easier to voice that you regret an abortion rather than a child. Understandably most people realise it sounds cold to say especially if said child is or could be made aware of it.

Lemming20 · 01/04/2021 20:27

Bless you OP. Hugs from me.
My instant thought would be, what is best for my existing children? Will it impact on your ability to do what you want for their future? On the other hand, could you be comfortable with your decision if you do decide not to continue. I am very pro choice - these are my main for and against arguments. Hope that helps x

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