To consider a termination in these circumstances?

[impossiblenow]

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

[quote Murtaghjames]@mackleless,no i will never find myself in that situation. I'm due my 4th at 40,no big deal.[/quote]
Put a cork in it, both ways 😂

[quote Murtaghjames]@mackleless,no i will never find myself in that situation. I'm due my 4th at 40,no big deal.[/quote]
Yawn. If you dont have anything useful to say, dont say anything at all!
Piss off!

@Murtaghjames I also sleep with a clear conscience at night thanks as I know I didn't bring a child into a life where its mother wouldn't have been able to cope and its father was abusive. Pro life and pro forced birth are very different things. So sad to see people who don't give a fuck if children have an awful life as long as they are born.

@Murtaghjames

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

God, what sanctimonious claptrap.

I like the idea of 3 and I've always been pretty sure I couldn't have a termination. ( No judgement on others. ) However the balancing act with two especially when one was a lockdown baby has really made me think I'm not cut out for three. I would love the baby but we would all suffer so I think I would prioritise my existing children and our marriage and have to terminate.

I think this is my view really. I remember when I was about 30 having this lovely dream of 3 children round the table, baking crafting, all that crap but then I actually put off getting pregnant until I was 35. After I had DD I actually realised that 1 (very badly sleeping) child was absolutely brilliant and even having a 2nd didn't really appeal. I had a pregnancy scare and was completely distraught - so happy when I found out I wasn't. So don't cling to that idea of having 3, circumstances alter our views and that's fine. In your position I wouldn't hesitate to terminate, you have a wonderful healthy family who are already knackering you don't pile on more stress.

@Fembot123 I wondered about the quotation marks, too. Perhaps we're not to be considered women if we've had a termination?

Sorry you are in this position OP. I have 3 children and it's hard. If I was in your position now I would probably terminate. Covid has shattered me, mentally and physically, before covid I may have said differently. I've also had a termination and although I think about it sometimes I don't regret it because I know it was the right decision for everyone at that time.

[quote UnsolicitedDickPic]@Fembot123 I wondered about the quotation marks, too. Perhaps we're not to be considered women if we've had a termination? [/quote]
Ahh, yes that’s probably it! What a divvy (them not you)

Only you can decide what is right for you. I was once in your circumstances and terminated

OP YADNBU to be considering all the options of how this will affect you and the family you have.
I’m 41 and if I got pregnant know I honestly don’t know what I’d do. But I know I’d be absolutely right if I felt I could not go ahead with the pregnancy to have a termination.

Fwiw I did have a termination in my very early 20s and I haven’t regretted it. I wondered what might have been occasionally but I love my life now with DH and DD.
Have an unmumsnetty hug

There is no universal right answer. There is just what you can best cope with. Whatever you decide there will be moments of regret.

In your place I'd chose a termination but I am not you.
But whatever you decide nobody that loves you will judge you.

Sending hugs OP.
I was in the same position last year at the very beginning of lockdown, petrified of COVID, had a just turned 3 year old, husband has ADHD, elderly parent and 41 years old.
Yet I wanted one more before the pandemic hit.
It's been a year today and there have been tears but, no regrets. I know it was the right decision at the time because pregnancy and raising children is so hard.

Make the right decision for you. Whatever you do though, make sure theres someone around to support you.

I dont regret my abortion. I think an unplanned 3rd baby in your 40s would be a burden more than a blessing.

I think the post by sjfjsnfkdhsbd is brilliant. If i fell pregnant again i would terminate. I know i couldn't deal with any more children, my plate is very full already and sacrificing my existing children's happiness for a bundle of cells would just not be a chance i would be willing to take.

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant a few yrs ago - it was unplanned and a huge shock, I was distraught.

My son was 3 at the time and I'd had it really rough with him as a baby/toddler and life was just starting to get easier. I was pretty certain I didn't want anymore children.

I terminated and whilst I do occasionally wonder what might have been, it was absolutely the right decision at the time.

As @sjfjsnfkdhsbd said. The right decision is the one that feels 'least bad' to you.

Such a difficult decision, my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation, pregnant with DC3 unexpectedly at 38. We decided straight away that we couldn’t go through with it, we’d started getting independence back and work was going so well...but there was just something stopping me. I worried that I would never get over it and it scared me to think that my mental health could decline. So we went ahead with the pregnancy and obviously wouldn’t change anything now! It’s such a personal choice though, get support and advice from professionals, you have to do what’s right for you. There are always going to be stories about what others have done in your situation, but you have to think of you. Sending love ❤️

Found myself in the same position at 40. I had two small children and one older severely disabled child. I Had a termination. I definitely didn’t want anymore especially not at 40. Life was hectic and my disabled son took/takes up 99% of my time.

You have to be sure though. I don’t regret the termination but do still feel guilty 10 years on x

I had a termination many years ago and I don't live with terrible regret and guilt. The pregnancy was the wrong thing at the wrong time. Of course it was sad and hurtful at the time, but looking back I know it was the right thing. My real children (not my what if one) take priority and have a better life because of the termination.

My head ruled my heart. I think I never really let myself think of it as a baby because it isn't at such an early stage. I am now 40 and would do the same if I was in your position. The people who are in my life now are the important ones

Hi OP, O had a termination in exactly the same circumstances as you. No regrets at all. I saw it as a really positive choice for the children I already had. Nearly a decade on I do occasionally think about it in a 'I'm really glad I did that' way.

I always thought I'd have more than two children, but actually, two children is perfect for me and DH, we're able to devote maximum resources, emotionally, physically and financially to them.

You hear a lot of regrets and negativity around abortion, but many women have them and feel entirely positive about their choice. I'm very open speaking about it to friends, I don't think there should be any shame attached, it's not a dirty secret, it's fantastic that we live in an era and a place where women can make choices around fertility and child-birth.

Anyway, good luck OP, I hope you've found some helpful advice here.

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do

Treating tough decisions as a choice between "regrets vs no regrets" is a recipe for making bad decisions.

Life is not a Disney film where choice A results in regret and choice B results in living happily ever after. The reality is that as loss-averse beings a sense of regret follows most decisions in some form, whether that be at a trivial level after switching queues and seeing your previous line speed up, or at the much more serious level you're contemplating.

When you have to make a decision about a situation you didn't want to be in in the first place, there is always going to be emotional distress and "what if?" whichever path you take. It's the nature of being human.

Your op is a description of the regrets you will have if you continue, and fear of regrets if you don't continue.

So the real question to ask yourself - and the one to listen to your gut about - is about the quality of life you will have in each scenario. Is it worth jeopardising the life you have now to try and avoid some difficult emotions (which you may not even experience), or would continuing enhance your life?

And then be kind to yourself if you have tough moments and remind yourself there was no perfect decision available to you, just the least bad one you could make at the time.

Honestly one of the best posts I've ever read on here.

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do

Treating tough decisions as a choice between "regrets vs no regrets" is a recipe for making bad decisions.

Life is not a Disney film where choice A results in regret and choice B results in living happily ever after. The reality is that as loss-averse beings a sense of regret follows most decisions in some form, whether that be at a trivial level after switching queues and seeing your previous line speed up, or at the much more serious level you're contemplating.

When you have to make a decision about a situation you didn't want to be in in the first place, there is always going to be emotional distress and "what if?" whichever path you take. It's the nature of being human.

Your op is a description of the regrets you will have if you continue, and fear of regrets if you don't continue.

So the real question to ask yourself - and the one to listen to your gut about - is about the quality of life you will have in each scenario. Is it worth jeopardising the life you have now to try and avoid some difficult emotions (which you may not even experience), or would continuing enhance your life?

And then be kind to yourself if you have tough moments and remind yourself there was no perfect decision available to you, just the least bad one you could make at the time.

Agreed. Fab post. Really helps understanding.

@Starsky82

Such a difficult decision, my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation, pregnant with DC3 unexpectedly at 38. We decided straight away that we couldn’t go through with it, we’d started getting independence back and work was going so well...but there was just something stopping me. I worried that I would never get over it and it scared me to think that my mental health could decline. So we went ahead with the pregnancy and obviously wouldn’t change anything now! It’s such a personal choice though, get support and advice from professionals, you have to do what’s right for you. There are always going to be stories about what others have done in your situation, but you have to think of you. Sending love ❤️

I experienced similar at 39. I don't regret my decision but it was definitely a leap of faith. If the same happened now (unlikely at 51 but you know!) I would terminate without hesitation.

These pole will support you whatever decisions you make
www.crosswaypregnancy.org.uk

I've been there. I actually clicked on your post to check this wasn't my zombie thread resurrected as I'm sure my title was the same.

It was almost two years ago now. I had two very young children. I went back and forth for a couple of weeks and even cancelled the termination appointment from the clinic carpark at one point.

In the end I had an abortion. Despite the agony I went through deciding I've never regretted it, particularly when covid hit. I would have had a 3yo a 2yo and a newborn and I would never have coped. I find two DC utterly exhausting anyway so I simply didn't have anything left to give to another child and my existing DC would have really suffered.

I have to caveat this though. The main reason I went through with it was because my husband wouldn't have done his half of the work, like yours is offering to do. He was rubbish when they were tiny and I couldn't cope with the idea of doing it all again mostly on my own. If we had parented as a team I would have most likely continued with the pregnancy as I always liked the idea of three children.

It's a very tough decision but ultimately I knew the negatives would outweigh the positives and I still believe that so as I said I don't regret it.

If you're worried about the process itself (I did) it was fine. I was 7 weeks and had a medical termination. No real pain just very mild cramping and comparable to a very heavy period.

Best of luck whatever you decide OP