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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a termination in these circumstances?

181 replies

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:18

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

OP posts:
Tored · 01/04/2021 20:28

Not unreasonable in the slightest OP.

You must make the decision that is best for you and your existing family, if that means terminating then you should do so guilt free.

I'm sorry you're in this position Flowers

Shortiemyboo · 01/04/2021 20:32

Whatever you choose is Ok.

Frequentflier · 01/04/2021 20:36

In your position I would go for a termination. I recognize that feeling of being constantly battered. Kids get a lot harder as they get older too. GCSE's, A levels, university... and all this in a pandemic. Am so v glad I did not have 3 and on bad days I even wish I had stuck to 1.

FurrySlipperBoots · 01/04/2021 20:36

If you went ahead with eh pregnancy could you afford help? A cleaner, a maternity nurse, a PT nanny for the big ones? That could make an impact of how much of a struggle it is.

Whatever you do, make you DH have the snip!

toconclude · 01/04/2021 20:37

"You never regret the children you have"
There's a sweeping generalisation if ever I heard one.

GettingItOutThere · 01/04/2021 20:38

you dont even need to justify any reasons to terminate. If it isnt what you want, terminate.

massive hugs,

Bimblybomeyelash · 01/04/2021 20:38

I’m 40 with a 3 and 6 year old and would 100% have a termination. I just couldn’t do the baby stage again. The last time was so very hard. My 3 year old doesn’t sleep through the nights consistently even now! I love babies, and I loved that stage, but the sleep deprivation was very very bad for my mental health and for my relationship.

Moelwynbach · 01/04/2021 20:39

OP im sorry this has happened. Hopefully you will have some time to have a good think before you make a decision either way. Either way I this isba decision you need to give serious thought to. Just have a chat with your husband about your feelings. I hope you come to the eight decision for you xx

Skatastic · 01/04/2021 20:40

I had a termination and don't regret it for a second. It is whatever you want to do. I hope you are ok, whilst it was an instant decision for me I was still worried but the care I received from BPAS was amazing.

mackleless · 01/04/2021 20:44

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
this is blatantly incorrect
Frequentflier · 01/04/2021 20:48

Again, I dont want to be terribly negative but in my experience, if you are a caregiver for elderly parents, it only gets worse and you will need all your energy for that. Nursing my dad through cancer nearly killed me when I was 36 and had kids of 4 and 8.

TatianaBis · 01/04/2021 20:51

I don’t think fear of regret is a good basis for a decision. For me that has resulted in an experience didn’t turn out to be so great as my fear of regret painted it, and I realised I’d have had nothing to regret if I hadn’t have done it.

If I hadn’t done it my regret would have painted the experience as far rosier than it actually was.

So make a decision based on definitely wanting the experience for its own sake, not fear of how your mind may paint it.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/04/2021 20:51

I wouldn't keep it in that situation. I would prioritise your two little ones. Yanbu to consider a termination in any circumstances.

Good luck with your decision.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 20:51

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
I don’t think you can make a sweeping statement like that. It’s your choice OP but in your shoes I would probably terminate
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 01/04/2021 20:52

Yes I’ve been in that situation, twice. The first time I kept the pregnancy despite my misgivings. It was twins and it nearly broke me. My marriage ended and while I can never wish my twins away, I love them so much, but my life and that of my older children is so much harder than it would have been I’d I had not kept that pregnancy.

I got pregnant again when my twins were 1. Terminated without a second thought. No regrets, just massive relief. Had a coil fitted at the termination.

Only you can decide what you want to do but there is absolutely no shame in a termination if it’s the right choice for you. Don’t be guilt tripped into keeping a pregnancy you don’t want. And if you decide to keep it you’ll make it work somehow.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/04/2021 20:52

YANBU to terminate, I did and have never felt an ounce of regret.

mackleless · 01/04/2021 20:55

I terminated (although in different circumstances) and what made it a bit easier was to remind myself that I ALREADY made the choice to not be pregnant. I made it when I took my pill correctly with no mistakes. It failed but that didn’t change that I’d already chosen to not be pregnant. Why would I suddenly change my mind?

Original poster
impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 20:55

@FurrySlipperBoots you've made me smile for the first time today! I think he won't need any prompting to get himself sorted

We couldn't afford extra help unfortunately, that would change things a lot but my work has really dried up. In another life this would have been very different but I do love the family I have and feel very blessed by them (had my kids at 35+, had pretty much given up hope of a partner and family for a long time). Lots of the comments here have helped to calm me down and remind me how lucky I am to have all that I do, and make me feel it's a valid choice to protect that instead of stretching us all even more thinly.

The advice from a poster above that there is no perfect decision, just the one that seems best at the time, really sticks with me

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 20:59

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I think whatever you do has pros and cons. If you’re sensible, you will be able to focus on the advantages of the choice you make and not dwell too much on the what ifs. Absolutely fine to have a termination if that’s what’s best for you and your existing family.
I agree.
Xmasbaby11 · 01/04/2021 21:02

Yanbu to consider it at all. When I was 40 I had a 4 and 2 yo and remember feeling swamped and the lack of space for me. I absolutely would have terminated. I'm 45 now and life has calmed down somewhat but the kids do still take up a lot of my time and energy. My parents and pil are all 80+ and I can imagine the next decade of supporting them, alongside having teens, will be tough. However, I never wanted a third child and neither did dh, so not quite the same.

Feelinghothothottoday · 01/04/2021 21:03

I was 39, two months away from my 40th when I had my 2nd. It’s fine. It keeps me young.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2021 21:04

It doesn't matter what anyone else would do. If it isn't right for you then absolutely don't. Sounds like you are not completely sure.

TatianaBis · 01/04/2021 21:05

@Feelinghothothottoday

I was 39, two months away from my 40th when I had my 2nd. It’s fine. It keeps me young.
Two is easy though compared to 3. With 3 there’s always one ball in the air .
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 01/04/2021 21:07

I've found that people irl are much more understanding than I expected and when one person speaks out often others have been through the same. My only regret was not talking to people that cared about me before I decided what to do, I would have chosen a different course if I'd spoken to my really good friends before I decided to keep or terminate.

firedog · 01/04/2021 21:09

A broody me might have liked a third (I am one of three) but with my two DC in juniors now I'd not even entertain it. Mine do loads of sports, music and other stuff and that's a juggle. But I want them to have the opportunity. They are busy well rounded kids. But it takes two of us to do everything. A third child would mean lots more compromises and even less time and I'd prob have to go very part time to cope.