Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a termination in these circumstances?

181 replies

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:18

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 01/04/2021 21:50

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.
As several PPs have said, this is simply not true.

OP - you have to do what feels right to you. But there would be nothing unreasonable about having a termination in your circumstances. We none of us have endless energy and resources, much as we might wish we did.

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:53

@mackleless I understand your feelings 100% but don't allow yourself to be goaded & banned for this.Flowers

ThePriceIsNotRight · 01/04/2021 21:53

@Murtaghjames this isn’t about you, and this thread isn’t your opportunity to push your gross agenda on another woman, regardless of how she feels.

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:55

@Frequentflier

I think perhaps AIBU may not be the right forum for this thread. Maybe you should move it somewhere else. Tends to attract very polarised opinions and that may not be what you need right now.

Tbf the majority of responses are sympathetic & balanced. There are a small number of posters who are trying to push an anti-choice message but mostly just women who've been through the same experience sharing our stories

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PADH · 01/04/2021 21:55

@Murtaghjames

Both my Grandmothers had babies in their 40s and I'm due a baby in December. I will be 40. My two Aunts who were born to my Grandmothers are the most beautiful, loving, fun creative women I know. One of my Aunts is only 2 years older than me and she is my best friend. Everybody is tired with young children. You seem to have a nice family life, one more won't make a difference. You will regret it seen as you have considered a third.
I have 3. The jump from 2 to 3 was massive. It most certainly will make a difference. And that isn't even with factoring in looking after elderly parents. Tired and exhausted are also 2 different things. What an irresponsible post.
cunningartificer · 01/04/2021 21:56

COVID means that all things at the moment may seem a little distorted. If you want another child, you now have one. Only you know if this is something to lighten the stresses of this time or something to add to it. But you seem to have a supportive partner which is brilliant. In your position I would keep the baby, because for me life trumps death every time, but I don’t think you want to know what other people would do. I’d just be aware that your exhaustion now and the feelings you have at the end of lockdown won’t last forever, and listen to your own heart.

mackleless · 01/04/2021 21:56

[quote DropDTuning]@mackleless I understand your feelings 100% but don't allow yourself to be goaded & banned for this.Flowers[/quote]
I know, I just reported my own post cos I’m mortified to have reacted like that 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’ll never change that posters mind. I hope she never finds herself in a situation like OP. Or if she does I hope she gets the support she deserves

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:57

@Murtaghjames

I am pro life and I will never be bullied by pro choice ever. So anybody who wants to call me disgusting go ahead. I sleep with a clear conscience every night. I could never kill my flesh and blood because it doesn't suit me to have a baby, you have sex you take responsibility. I will not be shouted down by "women" telling me I'm wrong. You should never take a life.

This is not about you. Go somewhere else to preach.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 01/04/2021 21:57

‘I am pro life and I will never be bullied by pro choice ever. So anybody who wants to call me disgusting go ahead. I sleep with a clear conscience every night. I could never kill my flesh and blood because it doesn't suit me to have a baby, you have sex you take responsibility. I will not be shouted down by "women" telling me I'm wrong. You should never take a life.‘

That’s nice dear 🥱

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:58

@mackleless

I know, I just reported my own post cos I’m mortified to have reacted like that 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’ll never change that posters mind. I hope she never finds herself in a situation like OP. Or if she does I hope she gets the support she deserves

You are a decent person. She is not here in good faith.

DisappearingGirl · 01/04/2021 21:58

I would find this really hard too OP. I have two kids and in a fantasy world I would kind of like a third, but in reality I think it would be bad for me, my relationship and my existing kids, so I suspect I would terminate, though I'm not totally sure. I know I would feel some sadness and "what ifs".

I also think your general life situation makes a massive difference. If you are looking after ill/elderly parents, in a way it's as if you already have 4 existing kids not 2!

I agree there is no right answer (but therefore, no wrong answer either). I am rubbish at making decisions but someone once gave me this advice which I found useful. Firstly do all the "factual" work - write down the pros and cons, talk to relevant people e.g. your husband, etc. Then go for a walk somewhere quiet and relaxing and see which decision feels best.

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/04/2021 22:01

YAdefinitelyNBU to consider having a termination in any circumstances.

OP, I am slightly older than you and since DC2 was born, have always been conscious that I can only manage to hold onto 2 out of 3 things - my marriage, mental health and a 3rd child.

Had I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, I would have prioritised my 2 existing children, my own mental health and my marriage.

The pp who posted about there being regrets with both choices and making peace with there being no perfect option was spot on. You will make the best choice for you and your family.

All the best.

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cherryblossom7 · 01/04/2021 22:02

Personally I think you should go with your heart if you want to avoid regret.

Covid might go on for a few more years but longer term things will probably get back to normal and you might regret making a decision, in part, informed by experiences in a pandemic.

capercaillie · 01/04/2021 22:05

I’ve been in your situation and terminated - no regrets. I knew that mentally and physically I couldn’t cope with another pregnancy/ childbirth and the years of child rearing afterwards. It’s not an easy decision - be kind on yourself.

GreenSlide · 01/04/2021 22:06

YANBU to consider a termination for any reason. How would you feel if you went to the loo right now and realise you're miscarrying? The answer should lead you in the right direction. Good luck Thanks

indianelephant · 01/04/2021 22:06

I have 3. It's so very hard. I don't regret any of them and love them all dearly but realistically 2 would of been absolutely fulfilling and wonderful and a whole lot easier. Good luck x

Tumbleweed101 · 01/04/2021 22:06

I terminated my third child. We had two young children and were about to be evicted and made homeless from a private rental. We had no money. Everything was stressful and up in the air. Supporting ourselves and our children was our priority at that point.

I don't regret the decision but I have never forgotten that baby and that potential life. I think it would be wrong to do so. I did go on to have two more children once we were settled and happy as a family but that baby was a part of us too. It was only 5 weeks by scan date and I hadn't even started to feel sick (always got sick from about 7wk) but still acknowledge it.

Do what is.right for you and your current family. Accept the grief that will come but dont regret a carefully thought out decision. It will never be easy. Keeping a baby is hard too.

GreenSlide · 01/04/2021 22:08

@Murtaghjames

I am pro life and I will never be bullied by pro choice ever. So anybody who wants to call me disgusting go ahead. I sleep with a clear conscience every night. I could never kill my flesh and blood because it doesn't suit me to have a baby, you have sex you take responsibility. I will not be shouted down by "women" telling me I'm wrong. You should never take a life.
It's annoying when people tell you what to believe isn't it. Maybe you should bear that in mind when shoving your opinions down other womens throats.
Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 22:08

YANBU whatever you decide Flowers

Ivy455 · 01/04/2021 22:10

YANBU for considering a termination in any circumstances as it's your body and your choice. I had a termination in 2016 after becoming pregnant in a toxic on/off relationship. I had wanted a baby for a long time but once I was actually in that situation and I realised I couldn't cope, reality hit me in the face.
With regards to worrying about people judging you, I've actually opened up to quite a few people about it and I was astounded at how many of them said "I've had one too". So many women go through it but never talk about it. Of course I totally understand why you might not want to tell people though, it's a very sensitive subject.
Anyway OP I am so sorry you're in this situation and good luck with whatever you choose

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 22:10

Why did @Murtaghjames put ‘Women’ in quotation marks? I won’t bother to comment on the rest of their bile.