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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider a termination in these circumstances?

181 replies

impossiblenow · 01/04/2021 19:18

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

OP posts:

MeepleMe · 01/04/2021 21:09

Your posts read to me like you have already made the decision for termination and are seeking permission that it's ok to do it. If so, yes, it's ok to do it! You would be prioritising the children you already have and you deserve to have the time for you. It is admirable to make this emotionally difficult decision in order to protect your family.

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 21:09

This reply has been deleted

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MNWorldisCrazy · 01/04/2021 21:11

Someone who regrets a (mandatory for medical reasons) termination here 🙋🏼‍♀️ (mandatory in the sense that I would've almost certainly died had I continued with it and the baby undoubtedly wouldn't have made it to the third trimester)

I'm aware that makes zero sense but I just wanted to point out that no matter how good & 'justified' your reasons are for a termination, you will always feel some level of regret.

I was a surprise for my then 40yr old Mum (and 45yr old Dad).
I'm not disrespecting older parents here, as I'm sure many are fantastic. However in my case, my childhood was very quiet & boring! My parents had already had their fun and were tired already.
My brother is 4 years older than me, so he was out with his friends before long and my parents weren't as interactive as younger parents were, so I was extremely bored.
At school, everyone thought my parents were my grandparents and I ended up pretending they were (😬 not proud of that one but I was a silly kid!)

I ended up losing my Dad when I was the tender and still very much adolescent age of 26. My mum is now elderly and thankfully in good health 🤞🏻 although she's unlikely to be around to see my DC become adults.

I'm 36 and won't be having anymore. For me personally, based on my upbringing, I consider myself too old.

I become quite jealous when I see others my age with their much younger parents who they may still have in their lives for another 20/30+ years and will likely live to see their great grandchildren.

I'm genuinely not trying to influence you either way OP. My upbringing is absolutely not how it will be/is for those with older parents. I just wanted to give you my input from just one perspective

user1493494961 · 01/04/2021 21:12

Your Husband sounds very supportive, I would have the baby.

KirstenBlest · 01/04/2021 21:13

You will regret not having it.

audweb · 01/04/2021 21:14

There are plenty of women who never regret a termination - I think we just tend not to be outspoken about that, because as much as people are pro choice , they’re maybe not always willing to hear how relieved some of us are when we terminate.

There’s no shame in termination if you feel that’s the right choice for you and your family. Ultimately it’s just what you feel is the right choice.

MNWorldisCrazy · 01/04/2021 21:15

Oh also, I had a medical termination at 9 weeks and felt zero pain whatsoever (although to be fair, most people do experience some degree of cramping).

The pill you take the night before though, that makes you feel pretty rough for a few hours. Not too bad though, just a bit hungover almost? 2/3 hours perhaps then that feeling goes.

Just describing my experience there, just in case

TatianaBis · 01/04/2021 21:16

@user1493494961

Your Husband sounds very supportive, I would have the baby.

I think he’s trying not to pressurise her which is not the same thing. He’s previously made his feelings clear.

TatianaBis · 01/04/2021 21:17

There are plenty of women who never regret a termination

Yep - one here. Totally the right decision, never had a shadow or regret or any feeling other than relief.

serin · 01/04/2021 21:17

I think you should see your GP about the tiredness. It is hard raising little ones but maybe you have anaemia or some something?
Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you

Needingsupportplease · 01/04/2021 21:19

Hope you are ok, I've been here and I did have a termination. I just couldn't go through with a baby at that point in my life after a very traumatic pregnancy. Labour and very poorly baby and had pretty crap treatment by the NHS during some of these times. The lovely midwife at the epu advised me to book a termination and however I felt about the appointment once it was booked (if I cancelled or went ahead) would be the right decision at that time. She was right i sometimes wonder what if but I 100% know i did it for the right reasons at that time. Take care x

Unsure33 · 01/04/2021 21:20

I will be honest I think this is such a hard question to ask on a forum because people have quite strong opinions .

I would have the baby because I loved having children and regretted not having 3 . Also I have a close relative who had an abortion and felt guilty for years so it blighted her life .

But everyone is different , everyone is in different situations , and everyone has different opinions .

You have to go with what is right for you . Not anyone else .

TheFiend · 01/04/2021 21:22

[quote Murtaghjames]@mackleless, according to you.[/quote]
According to quite a few other posters too.

Cyderdelic · 01/04/2021 21:23

Was in the same situation myself aged 37 with a 3 and 5 year old. While I had always envisaged having 3, the reality of dealing with 2 little ones while pregnant (both tough pregnancies with spd, pre and post natal depression etc) was impossible to imagine. Had begun to reach a stage with the youngest being slightly less full on. Have never regretted terminating, and there have been many, many times over the years where im really glad I did, still dont 10 years on.

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:26

@MNWorldisCrazy

I'm aware that makes zero sense but I just wanted to point out that no matter how good & 'justified' your reasons are for a termination, you will always feel some level of regret.

This is completely untrue. I had an abortion at 16 and have never, ever regretted it.

I was booked for an abortion in 2019 but miscarried naturally before the booked date. Would not have regretted that either.

OP I fear that your post has attracted a specific kind of poster with an agenda, particularly the more recent posts.

FTEngineerM · 01/04/2021 21:27

@Murtaghjames

You never regret the children you have, just the ones you don't. You already have two small children so you are in that zone. This year has been very hard but It won't be like this forever. How would you feel if say in two years time that you wanted a third and it didn't happen.

Erm, I hate that that gets trotted out on every ‘pregnancy choice’ thread. Loads of people regret kids, even more crave their old life in some form or another.

You’re almost out of tiny human depths of despair, the home straight to semi reasonable children/teens then adults.

I personally, reading what you’ve written in the OP, would terminate. If you still feel that burning desire in a year or two when life’s I proved do it.

MouseInCatsClaws · 01/04/2021 21:27

It's a tough situation op, and the only opinion that matters is yours. Take some time to tune into your gut instinct. Tune out the noise.
Whatever your decision is, good luck

MNWorldisCrazy · 01/04/2021 21:28

[quote DropDTuning]@MNWorldisCrazy

I'm aware that makes zero sense but I just wanted to point out that no matter how good & 'justified' your reasons are for a termination, you will always feel some level of regret.

This is completely untrue. I had an abortion at 16 and have never, ever regretted it.

I was booked for an abortion in 2019 but miscarried naturally before the booked date. Would not have regretted that either.

OP I fear that your post has attracted a specific kind of poster with an agenda, particularly the more recent posts.[/quote]
I beg your pardon? How very dare you?!? How the hell do I have an agenda?!?!

Murtaghjames · 01/04/2021 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cocomarine · 01/04/2021 21:28

In you position, I would terminate. Which is not to say that I’m telling you that you “should”. I just wanted to share that it’s a decision many women would make, and that’s OK. Good luck

Thomasina2021 · 01/04/2021 21:29

I had a very happy accident 3rd baby at 39... that was a decade ago and she is the sunshine in our lives

Covid and homeschool are in the past, I wouldn’t let that be a decider

Good luck with whatever you decide . I also had a termination in my 20s and I often think sadly of what might have been .

DropDTuning · 01/04/2021 21:30

OP, I also wanted to add a comment my husband made when I was pregnant the last time - why roll the dice again? We have two wonderful children already, why risk all of that for an unknown?

MNWorldisCrazy · 01/04/2021 21:30

[quote DropDTuning]@MNWorldisCrazy

I'm aware that makes zero sense but I just wanted to point out that no matter how good & 'justified' your reasons are for a termination, you will always feel some level of regret.

This is completely untrue. I had an abortion at 16 and have never, ever regretted it.

I was booked for an abortion in 2019 but miscarried naturally before the booked date. Would not have regretted that either.

OP I fear that your post has attracted a specific kind of poster with an agenda, particularly the more recent posts.[/quote]
It sounds more like YOU have the agenda! I'm not sure this is the forum for those averse to abortions!

What I meant, was that IF you're going to experience some form of regret, then you'll experience it regardless of having good reasons for having a termination!

FTEngineerM · 01/04/2021 21:31

Sorry @MNWorldisCrazy I’ve had two, yes two(!) terminations and I regret neither one.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 21:32

@KirstenBlest

You will regret not having it.

Maybe but you don’t know that

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