To consider a termination in these circumstances?

[impossiblenow]

I just don't know what to do. Very accidentally pregnant again age 40 (pill failure). Have already got 2 small children. Life has just been exhausting recently, covid, home school, looking after ill parents, a lot of other massive life upheaval and major stress meaning that I just feel constantly battered.

And now this. I always said I'd like another child but my husband didn't, although he is being fantastic about this and happy to do his half if I do have it. I guess just faced with reality, more years of a dependant baby, more tiredness when I'm dead on my feet most days already, putting off my work for more years, I just don't know if I can or should. It would mean that my husband was still raising kids till his retirement. It would mean the kids had another 7 months of me being useless and awful (I am terrible at being pregnant and already mostly useless at 6 weeks) and after the year they've had I just don't know if it's fair on them. And did I mention the tiredness

But I'm worried I'll regret it if I do... my head says I really can't have another child right now, my heart says I always wanted one more. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here?

@Murtaghjames

Both my Grandmothers had babies in their 40s and I'm due a baby in December. I will be 40. My two Aunts who were born to my Grandmothers are the most beautiful, loving, fun creative women I know. One of my Aunts is only 2 years older than me and she is my best friend. Everybody is tired with young children. You seem to have a nice family life, one more won't make a difference. You will regret it seen as you have considered a third.

One more won't make a difference

Are you for real???? Did you not read all of OP's first post?

@FTEngineerM

Sorry *@MNWorldisCrazy* I’ve had two, yes two(!) terminations and I regret neither one.

Erm..... I never said you did?!

I’m another that had a termination I’ve never regretted. It was absolutely the right choice for me.

Only you can decide what you want to do, for yourself and for your family. Just know that termination is an extremely common procedure, and the majority of women who have one already have children. There’s a stereotype that ‘married mothers don’t’, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. All women have the right to make the decision for themselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks they should do. If that’s abortion then it’s abortion. There’s no shame in it and no reason to feel guilty.

Be kind to yourself OP.

I know I would have struggled with a third at 40 and went for sterilisation. Now, as someone reaching their mid 40s I'm so so grateful I don't have a below school age child. I have 1 teen & 1 primary DC and the level of responsibility is much more manageable with work too. Far less drudgery, snot, sticky hands and exhaustion.

I know I've said this already but I am really grateful to everyone who has posted - as I said I haven't been able to talk about this in real life apart from to my husband and I probably wont ever be able to. But one of the earliest posters said to listen to which of the posts resonated with me, and actually that has really helped. One side resonates and the other doesn't, but having posters of different opinions means I can see more clearly which is likely to be the best decision for me.

Thank you all, especially for people who've sent me a hug - those are really nice right now!

[quote Murtaghjames]@mackleless, according to you.[/quote]
no, not according to me . It’s a FACT that some women regret having one child, never mind a third in the circumstances which OP has described. I know this is FACT because I personally know at least one woman who regrets her fourth and that’s only the one who has admitted it out loud. How dare you tell OP what to do? Take your anti-choice shit elsewhere

I had 2 terminations and whilst neither were the most joyous day of my life, all I felt afterwards was relief. I have never regretted them for a moment. It would not have been the right thing for me, or my existing DC to have had more children. There’s no shame in that. I think whichever option you choose you just have to focus on the positives of that. If you had the baby, I’m sure it would be lovely, and somehow you’d cope. But if you don’t you get to prevent adding additional stress to your life, stretching yourself and your finances further etc. The gist I get from your OP is that you wish this hadn’t happened and you want it to go away. It can, quite easily, if you want it to, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

@MNWorldisCrazy

Having older parents can be a blessing too. My mum was 42 when she had me and was the best mum ever.

Dad died when I was 19 and mum died when I was 35. My husband’s parents were in their 80’s when they died. Conversely, I had 2 school friends who had a parent die very young. You can’t predict who will live a long life.

I never once felt uncomfortable that she was an older mum. In fact, I had a great childhood and was grateful that she was relaxed and fun and not fraught with anxiety unlike some of my friend’s mums. Mind you, I wouldn’t have cared if kids at school had said anything negative to me, as I was brought up to be confident in my own skin. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MNWorldisCrazy yes you did “ no matter how good & 'justified' your reasons are for a termination, you will always feel some level of regret.”

I was highlighting that’s a wildly presumptuous thing to say, along with not being true for me or other women on the thread.

I'm another who had a termination that I've never regretted. I would have loved a third baby, but there was no way to make our income cover the costs of another child - housing, car, childcare costs, quality of life generally. It would have been massively selfish and not considerate towards the two wonderful children we already have to continue the pregnancy. It was the right decision for our family.

Married mothers absolutely do have terminations, often with the interests of their existing children at heart.

I had two terminations, one after my 15 year old when I was 21 and one after my youngest when I was 32. I have three and it is hard work. I have no regrets about either of my terminations. I probably should've stuck with two. My family was kind of complete and I now have a very difficult, although much loved and adored, youngest child who has SEN but I think I pushed it too far and was asking for trouble.

My eldest celebrated their 21st when I was pregnant with the last one. My husband was retired due to ill health and the youngest was only weeks old when that happened so I understand the tiredness. I was in my 60s when the youngest graduated, I'm nearly 70 and just helped with the fees for a Masters. It is hard.

Do I regret it? I've had times when I bitterly regretted it and times when I was so glad I had that last baby. I love it now when I have all 4 round me, big sons that I look at and think how did I produce them? A lovely daughter who is a joy. If I'd known how hard it would be I probably wouldn't have done it but now I'm glad. No easy answers.

The bone weary tiredness is so hard. I hope you are OK whatever you decide.

@DropDTuning

OP, I also wanted to add a comment my husband made when I was pregnant the last time - why roll the dice again? We have two wonderful children already, why risk all of that for an unknown?

Why ‘roll the dice ‘ after your first child then and have two?

‘yes I have read post and I stand by what I say. There is no respect for the unborn life. Pretty sure everybody advising to get a termination are against the death penalty. I really couldn't live with myself terminating an unborn life purely for my own selfishness.’

Then by all means don’t ever have an abortion, but back off on forcing your agenda on anyone else. Your opinion on any life but your own in this matter, is irrelevant. OP, and indeed all women, have the right to make the decision that is best for themselves, not you.

[quote Murtaghjames]@MNWorldisCrazy,yes I have read post and I stand by what I say. There is no respect for the unborn life. Pretty sure everybody advising to get a termination are against the death penalty. I really couldn't live with myself terminating an unborn life purely for my own selfishness.[/quote]
Then don't have one. But stop preaching your bullshit at others.

[quote Murtaghjames]@MNWorldisCrazy,yes I have read post and I stand by what I say. There is no respect for the unborn life. Pretty sure everybody advising to get a termination are against the death penalty. I really couldn't live with myself terminating an unborn life purely for my own selfishness.[/quote]
Wow.

Having a child you don’t want causes suffering to both the parent and the child. Apparently you have no respect for that.

@Thomasina2021 our second child was very much planned and wanted and we were/are very happy to have two.

My physical & mental health suffered badly since having the second (not as a result) & there was far greater risk to both me & the potential baby in going ahead, especially in my late 30s.

And far more to risk with two to look after already

Why do you ask?

@impossiblenow i hope you make the right decile for you. I have read all the replies and i think it's awesome how your being given neautral advise from people. Who are looking out for you/ your feelings etc. It's really lovely to read how supportive people are being. I hope you see that your not alone in whatever you choose. There are a lot of people on this thread to give you a hand hold if needed. -hugs-

I've never had a moment's regret.

When people say one more won't make a difference I wonder what they mean - it makes a huge difference. Mine are adults now, two lots of university expenses, another child would've been half as much again to find. The same for the emotional energy you need to find in the teenage years, the adult clothing once they hit thirteen etc., housing, cars, holidays...

Good luck x

I think perhaps AIBU may not be the right forum for this thread. Maybe you should move it somewhere else. Tends to attract very polarised opinions and that may not be what you need right now.

@Murtaghjames

I absolutely am, and my agenda is that OP makes the best choice for herself.