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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Alreadyinmypyjamas · 01/04/2021 11:52

Stay out of it.

He's been a dick, but it's not your concern.

He needs to learn this lesson on his own.

Zarinea · 01/04/2021 11:56

Yeah I'd stay out of it. He's nearly an adult and is learning how to have adult relationships, and that involved not having mum stick her nose in.

The 'punishment' for his action is not having the girlfriend any more.

Flowerlane · 01/04/2021 11:58

Can understand you are upset with how your son has acted but i can’t see how you can punish a 16 year old because he has cheated on his girlfriend.

I think you need to sit him down and say you are very disappointed in him and hope he makes better decisions in future in regard to relationships and how he treats others.
Also that you will not be spoke to rudely and that he needs to show respect while he lives under your roof.

Good luckFlowers

Mummyratbag · 01/04/2021 11:59

He's behaved badly, he should have finished with her first. I presume he's been dumped. However, it's not your place to punish him. He's learning about relationships and how to treat people (unless there has been assault/abuse) it's what happens. Hopefully he will learn to treat the next one better. Stay out of it.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 12:01

I couldn't even begin to imagine my mum trying to have disciplined me for something like this or discipling my own kids (they are a bit younger though).

I actually can't believe the mums are involved at all!

I would really stay WELL out of it.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2021 12:01

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You can tell him it’s disappointed you, but will he really gaf?

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:02

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

He’s 16 and finding his feet, he doesn’t want to talk to you about it and it’s his right not to. I’d be addressing the changes in behaviour but I don’t think his response to you was inappropriate.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

Would it have been ok if she wasn’t a LOVELY GIRL? He needs to learn about relationships, I think most people have behaved in ways they’re not proud of in early relationships.

She’s finished with him - what are you going to punish him for?

B33Fr33 · 01/04/2021 12:03

You're not wrong to be disappointed. But it's not something you can directly punish him for. Personally I'd point out how he's let himself down, how he needs his actions to reflect better of him. But I'm sure the girl/ friends will be doing plenty to punish him over this. His failings will probably be writ pretty large for a few weeks.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/04/2021 12:12

You want to punish him for cheating on his girlfriend? Confused

Just leave him to it. At their age relationship drama is akin to world-ending, life-will-never-be-the-same-again hysterics.

Give him space but don't tolerate back chat or rudeness.

Macaroni46 · 01/04/2021 12:14

I can't believe the gf's mother called you tbh! I think both mothers should stay out of it. He's young. He's learning. Mistakes will be made. End of

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 12:17

I want to punish him for what he did to her, he needs to know that it's NOT acceptable.

And also, I am not happy with the way he spoke to me this morning!

Would it have been ok if she wasn’t a LOVELY GIRL? He needs to learn about relationships, I think most people have behaved in ways they’re not proud of in early relationships

Of course it wouldn't have been ok... his father cheated on me, so I know how the girl is feeling right now. I am actually going to miss her, such a polite genuine girl...

I just want to know whether it was sexual cheating, because he could have passed something onto her.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 12:17

In this current climate it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about how he treats women, I wish more mothers did

VladmirsPoutine · 01/04/2021 12:20

his father cheated on me, so I know how the girl is feeling right now.

This an extreme reaction. His father cheating on you is absolutely NOTHING like a 16yo boy cheating on his similarly aged girlfriend.

LadyDanburysHat · 01/04/2021 12:21

You can't punish a 16 year old for being a bit immature and cheating on his girlfriend. Once he's calmed down talk to him about how it's not a good thing to do and you hope he will think differently in future. But in general stay out of it. It really isn't anything to do with you.

And if you try and punish him, say goodbye to any future communication between you.

anon12345678901 · 01/04/2021 12:21

I don't think he was rude if that's all he said, it is not your business. You don't need to punish him, he's 16. He's lost his girlfriend and knows people are disappointed. That's punishment for him.
You are projecting massively.

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 12:22

@Macncheeseballs

In this current climate it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about how he treats women, I wish more mothers did
Thank you, I am still fuming!

I just don't understand why he thought this was ok to do??

I am disappointed in him, never in a million years would I have imagined him doing something like this....

So much thoughts are running through my head...

Where did he meet the other girl(s)

The who situation is driving my crazy right now!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:23

I think your own experience is clouding your reaction to this - cheating at 16 isn’t the same as cheating in a committed relationship when there are children involved etc.

In terms of STIs I’d give him the information and how to get checked if he needs to, and leave him to it unless he asks for help.

AnneFuckingKirrin · 01/04/2021 12:23

He doesn’t want you to be involved so stay out of It.
I think it’s a bit strange that his ex girlfriends mum called you tbh.
I would have been furious if my Mum did that.

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:24

My first boyfriend's mum used to ring my mum up all the time. It was just embarrassing.

Don't be that mum. He's got to grow up himself.

Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 12:25

It's not just her own experience though is it?

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:26

I just don't understand why he thought this was ok to do??

Because he’s 16, impulsive, didn’t think clearly, the excitement of meeting someone new...

How long were they together for you to have such an extreme reaction? At 16 it’s highly unlikely this would be a permanent relationship for him, cheating isn’t ok but it’s not the end of the world either. At 16.

Tallybeebloom · 01/04/2021 12:26

At 16 and still living at home, you are still parenting and raising him so I totally disagree with others that it's none of your business. If you found out he'd been bullying someone at school you would make sure he knows it's not acceptable, you can still make sure he's well aware that treating someone like this is not ok.

I'm not sure about the punishing him side though, maybe for how he's spoken to you, but instead of punishing him for the cheating I'd point out to him the natural consequences of such behaviour, what others will think of him, what kind of person it makes him look like. Feeling that his peers would view him negatively for doing such a thing may drill it home more than any punishment you might give him.

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 12:27

They've been together for 5 months...

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

I feel over dramatic!

OP posts:
AnneFuckingKirrin · 01/04/2021 12:27

Op, after reading you most recent post I really think you need to step back.
Why are you so involved ?
This isn’t your experience, you don’t even really know what happened.
You just know what your son ex girlfriends Mum told you.
In your situation I would let you son know that your there for him when he is ready to talk, this is not worth pushing him away.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:28

I’m not sure what you mean @Macncheeseballs, I think her experience is driving a fairly extreme reaction to her son’s behaviour. I doubt she’s channelling every wronged woman ever.

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