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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 01/04/2021 13:31

I can’t believe how over invested you are in this. They’re teenagers! The whole point of teenage relationships is to bounce around being dreadful, making mistakes and learning how to behave - and how not to behave - in a relationship.

For the record I cheated on my bf when I was 16 and my mum handled it perfectly. We had a good relationship and she had a history of not overreacting to stuff so I actually confided in her right after it happened. She didn’t berate me or judge me although she was probably internally quite concerned. Instead she encouraged me to think about why it had happened, advised me to confess and take my lumps and generally stayed out of it. She made it clear she thought it was out of character and a mistake but also that it didn’t change how she saw me as a person.

That combination allowed me to accept that I’d done something wrong (and the punishment came from the relationship ending) but also to move forward with a clearer idea of how I wanted to behave in future. I’ve never cheated again and never will.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2021 13:34

You shouldn't interfere under these circumstances. I don't think people of 16 need to be 'faithful'. It's nonsense.

starfishmummy · 01/04/2021 13:34

Both you and the other mother are being far too invested in this.

16 year olds are changing boy/girlfriends all the time and often with an overlap.

Lovedove · 01/04/2021 13:35

I don’t think punishment, I think conversation. A calm one when you’re both in the right mood

Standrewsschool · 01/04/2021 13:38

I don’t think you should punish him either.

Conversely, you should be there. Before you cast judgement, find out the truth. Whether he has done something wrong or not, he is currently struggling at the moment, so you should be there to support him. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with any poor behaviour, but you need to be there for him, a listening ear.

Branleuse · 01/04/2021 13:38

i think you are best to not get over involved. Its not your place to punish, but I would tell him that cheating is a dick move for losers and that its especially low considering shes actually been nice and good to him.
Tell him that in life he will have all sorts of chances to fuck people over, but people of good character dont do that. If hes not happy with someone, then end it first, gently, and treat people how you would want to be treated yourself

ParadiseIsland · 01/04/2021 13:40

This is not the right time.

He fucked up. He knows that. Let him deal with it and be careful not to project whatever he did to his gf to what happened to you.

THEN have a chat.
How much does he know about his father cheating on you? How much does he know about the hurt his dad caused?
You need a CONVERSATION (rather than a telling off) with him. I’d include any other children in the family too.
It’s about respecting other people and the meaning of trust more than anything else.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2021 13:41

Upsetting, but none of your business.

Tlollj · 01/04/2021 13:41

Total over reaction. I would have told her mother the same too.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2021 13:44

There's nothing wrong with having a quiet conversation about cheating and breaking promises, especially since you can explain the pain it causes 'first hand'. But 'punish'? No.

We ALL need to impress on ALL our children the need to keep promises to a 'significant other' be it a 'first love' or a spouse. And not to be too eager to give their hearts away in the early days. It's not just boys who cheat. Both of my sons had their hearts broken in their 'younger days' by girls who cheated on them.

ChloeCrocodile · 01/04/2021 13:47

I am actually going to miss her, such a polite genuine girl...

This is too much pressure for a teenage relationship. You need to make sure your DS understands that who he dates is his choice and that he needn't consider whether you will be sad / disappointed if he ends a relationship.

SamMil · 01/04/2021 13:48

I haven't read all of the posts so apologies if this is a repeat.

I think at this age you really want to be approachable so that your son can come to you when he messes up or needs help.

I think making it clear that you'll always be there for him and love him would be a good start, then you can also make sure he is aware of how his actions have hurt someone else and how he could avoid this next time. Everyone makes mistakes, especially as a teenager) and he needs to realise that this can't happen again, but making this a conversation rather than a telling off might achieve that better.

OldEvilOwl · 01/04/2021 13:48

Stay out of it. He probably feels like shit already without you having a go at him too. When its calmed down a bit I would speak about him being rude, but the rest of it is none of your business.

Also remember he is likely to be upset too even though he was in the wrong. Emotions are all over the place at that age

Singlenotsingle · 01/04/2021 13:49

It's none of your beeswax! He's a young lad, just starting out on life! Obviously he's going to have a few girlfriends before he settles down. Didn't you have several relationships? Us mothers tend to get fond of the girlfriends and get sad when they disappear, but really you have to back off.

Nomorepies · 01/04/2021 13:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Abfabfanjo · 01/04/2021 13:52

Leave him to it. He's 16, and it's nothing to do with you.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/04/2021 13:54

I wouldn't punish for the cheating, that has its own natural consequences. Speaking to you like that isn't on though and a lecture on that is wholly appropriate.

Perhaps you might be able to use this as an entry point into a discussion about cheating and whether the upset it causes is really worth it. A reminder on the use of condoms never hurt anyone either.

I know you must feel disappointed that DS has done this but he now knows the grass isn't necessarily greener. Better he finds out now than in ten years time.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2021 13:55

By all means have a word in his ear about how he spoke to you this morning and deal with that. Tackle that. Tell him that it's not ok to speak to a woman, any woman including his mother (who he probably doesn't actually see as a flesh and blood woman with her own wants and needs but more as his mum) in the same way that he spoke to you.
He has to respect you. In order for him to do that, you have to respect that he doesn't want you getting involved in his relationships and you can show him that by not getting involved.
It's a two way street here and you have to sit on your hands at the moment and keep your mouth shut about this girl.

Pinkbrush · 01/04/2021 13:57

Perfect advice from @SamMil. Punishing him/being angry probably won’t solve anything but you are absolutely right to want to make it clear to him that it’s unacceptable behaviour. He is only 16 and they need guidance sometimes.

Maybe if more parents held their sons accountable for these behaviours at a young age and calmly explained why it’s not ok, we’d see less of it in adults. Obviously we all make mistakes, but it’s not just a part of growing up. Just like a PP said - if the situation was bullying, you’d also have a word.

You sound like a good mum OP.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 01/04/2021 13:57

I don’t suppose you will ever really know what went on there. If he was defensive then he is either hurt (maybe the girlfriend was cheating on him and didn’t want to tell her mum) or maybe he was cheating and feels bad about it (or bad about being caught and dumped?).

Is give him a general ‘cheating is a crappy thing to do - and if it’s in a sexual relationship you can be spreading STDs’ chat.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 13:57

This is way over the top. It's a relationship between two 16 year old kids, they were not married FFS. I actually can't believe you would even consider punishing him.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 13:59

I am the first one to say that we all have a responsibility to teach boys how to respect women, but this has nothing to do with him being a boy. These are teenagers trying out relationships, not making life long commitments with each other.

MimiDaisy11 · 01/04/2021 14:00

I understand the disappointment and the embarrassment of the call from the girl's mother, but really there's not much you can do. We all probably did stupid things in relationships at that age. You learn and grow from them. Being grounded or whatever won't do anything apart from making you annoyed at your parents for interfering. It's really normal for teenagers not to want to share their love lives with their parents.

LemonTT · 01/04/2021 14:01

@LookItsMeAgain

By all means have a word in his ear about how he spoke to you this morning and deal with that. Tackle that. Tell him that it's not ok to speak to a woman, any woman including his mother (who he probably doesn't actually see as a flesh and blood woman with her own wants and needs but more as his mum) in the same way that he spoke to you. He has to respect you. In order for him to do that, you have to respect that he doesn't want you getting involved in his relationships and you can show him that by not getting involved. It's a two way street here and you have to sit on your hands at the moment and keep your mouth shut about this girl.
Totally disagree. He set his boundaries which are reasonable . It really isn’t appropriate to infer in your adult children’s relationships in this way.

Given there is an entire genre of MN posts about interfering MIL whose sons won’t tell them to back off, i would say he’s done the right thing.

Pinkbrush · 01/04/2021 14:02

@Viviennemary

You shouldn't interfere under these circumstances. I don't think people of 16 need to be 'faithful'. It's nonsense.
What a bizarre thing to say. What makes you think cheating at 16 stops there. When does it stop being ok? 18, 21, 30, 50???

I bet you are of the view “boys will be boys”. Definitely wouldn’t want my child dating yours Hmm

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