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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
AnneFuckingKirrin · 01/04/2021 12:28

X post, I meant your post before this one .
It’s better to post on here and get honest opinions than to rant at your son and regret it.

emilyfrost · 01/04/2021 12:30

YABVU and are way too involved. This is your sons relationship - it’s nothing to do with you and it’s none of your business.

The other mother had no business in calling you either.

Wellpark · 01/04/2021 12:30

Stay out of it. He's 16 not 6. And as for the gf mother phoning you, how interfering Is that!? Yes tackle him about being rude to you but font involve yourself in his dating life. He has to privacy in that area unless he is putting himself or others in danger.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 01/04/2021 12:30

If my mother had got involved in my relationship to the extent you & the mother of the GF are, i too would be telling both of you it was none of your business. None at all. I’d have thought you both barmy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/04/2021 12:32

You can't win on here or IRL if you dont chastise your kids you're in the wrong and just let them do as they damn well please. OTOH if you do try to chastise you're in the wrong and being an interfering old busy body. So which one do people want, because. You can't have it both ways.

Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 12:32

Jellycats, I mean bringing up our sons to treat women respectfully is more important than ever in the current climate, its not just about op's experiences

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 12:34

Beyond telling him that he treated her badly (which he probably already knows) and you're disappointed in him, you need to wind your neck in. Making mistakes in relationships is what young people do and the natural consequence of his behaviour is that he no longer has a girlfriend.

16 is too young to be swearing everlasting constancy anyway. The mistake he made was not finishing with her properly before moving on. Very bad manners on his part but not something a parent should "punish" him for.

Moondust001 · 01/04/2021 12:34

I want to punish him for what he did to her, he needs to know that it's NOT acceptable

You have no right to punish him for this. You have been told one side of the story - you have no idea what he may or may not have done, or what the rest of the story is. If, and it is an if, he has acted poorly then you have aright to express your opinion or even disappointment. But it is not a right to punish him for what you think he's done, and talking in these terms is quite disturbing.

And if he doesn't wish to speak to you, you cannot force him to. Personally, if your reaction is to punish, I can't blame him.

Amdone123 · 01/04/2021 12:37

I suppose you could let him know you're disappointed, but as a pp said, you don't even know the full story. I, too, can't believe the gfs mum rang you. The gf is probably mortified.
They are young, they are learning, it's all part of life.
If he was rude to you, I would speak to him when he's calmer. He's probably not feeling too great atm, either.
You are a bit too invested, I think. Brace yourself for the future if this is how involved you want to be !!

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 12:39

@Macncheeseballs you teach respect by modelling respect, he doesn’t want to talk to her about it, I’d be respecting his wishes. She only has one side of the story which she got from an aggrieved mum. Explaining her disappointment is one thing, punishing him for his apparent behaviour in a relationship is quite another.

Donotgogentle · 01/04/2021 12:39

If all your son said to you is as you’ve written in your op, then I don’t think he was rude at all.

It’s assertive, yes, in telling you to stay out of his business but he’s 16 and it’s ok for him to put down boundaries about his relationships and sex life.

You should express your disappointment but I can’t see your role as a parent should properly be any more than that.

JovialNickname · 01/04/2021 12:39

You do need to stay out of it, it's not your business. Your son is right that in a parent/almost adult child relationship it is not appropriate to become overly involved. The most important thing you can do is be available for him to talk to in a non-judgemental manner, if he wants to. Also whether it was sexual cheating or not is absolutely none of your business unless he chooses to tell you. You have to learn he's becoming an adult and isn't "yours" any more like he was as a toddler.

Once the dust has settled a calm chat about thinking of others and treating other people as you would wish to be treated yourself, along with discussing what it means to be respectful of women, wouldn't go amiss. But wait a bit.

If it's any consolation, my experience growing up in an extremely large family was that boys do this, initially, a couple of times. Then, they meet a girl they totally fall for. Then the girl dumps them. Cue having to console a sobbing heartbroken 16 year old boy. Then they learn to be a bit more considerate Grin

Okbussitout · 01/04/2021 12:40

I don't think punishing him is the way forward with this. But equally I completely understand why yiu are angry at him. In the way most of us would be angry at a loved one who did this. So if you think of it more like this, how would you behave?

Personally I'd need to be able to explain why I found this behaviour so disgusting. And because he's young the wider context. So I don't think you should entirely stay out of it. He needs to know our actions effect the people around us in various ways. So cheating doesn't just effect the people in the relationship.

But if he's old enough to have adult relationships he's old enough to fuck them up.

Oblomov21 · 01/04/2021 12:41

I completely disagree with everyone!

"At their age relationship drama is akin to ...."
"He's young. He's learning. Mistakes will be made. "

I'm not saying any punishment is needed. But this condoning cheating, as if it's some learning experience?

Bullshit.

"I think most people have behaved in ways they’re not proud of in early relationships."

Shock errr no. I haven't.

Of course no punishment is needed.

But everybody talking about cheating as if it's the norm and a learning experience when you're young? I completely disagree with. if you've got any morals whatsoever or ever had any you then you'd never cheat in the first place, when you were young or when you're older. There is simply no excuse for cheating and anyone trying to argue the case/ that it is an ok thing to do, is just nonsense.

Guavaf1sh · 01/04/2021 12:41

Stay out of it - it isn’t your business

LagunaBubbles · 01/04/2021 12:41

Her Mother should never have phoned you, thats really overstepping boundaries.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 12:42

Stay out of it
DD16 has a lovely BF and we get on very well with his parents and I would probably be a bit disappointed in her if she treated him badly BUT I would support her anyway and if she genuinely didn’t want to talk about it I would leave it but let her know I was always here to listen

PhilCornwall1 · 01/04/2021 12:42

My parents tried to get involved in a teenage relationship I had at 16/17 and I told them to mind their own business. They didn't.

From that day on I pulled the shutters down on them, not just on relationships. The only relationship they knew/know about since then is the one I am in now, as I'm married with children.

They know very little about my life now, even though they think they do. I warned them to keep out. He's done the same.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 12:43

Plus you don’t actually know what happened, I’m sure the GF mum is only getting 1 side of the story

grumpygiraffe · 01/04/2021 12:43

It has nothing to do with you, and nothing to do with the girl’s mother. Your son is correct when he tells you to keep out.

Shetoshe · 01/04/2021 12:46

I think you do need to stay out of it and you definitely can't punish a 16yo for this!

I do think you would be right to have a talk within about it though and tell him about your disappointment and how people who cheat damage themselves as people will think he is of bad character (because he is!)

I cheated a LOT in my early relationships and I sort of wish my mum had pulled me up on it. It was shitty behaviour that hurt people but I didn't care as I thought I could do what I liked without any backlash. I regret that.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 01/04/2021 12:46

He already has a natural consequence.. he no longer has his lovely girlfriend! I absolutely don’t think this is something where you need to get involved, nor should you, beyond being there for your son if he wants to talk to you. All sorts of nonsense goes on within teen relationships, and barring abuse, it’s part of growing up and figuring out your boundaries. Don’t let your own experience cloud your judgment on this.

Ninibest · 01/04/2021 12:46

I like this councel

SeasonFinale · 01/04/2021 12:47

You are being overdramatic.

You don't know if the level of his cheating is kissing another girl, going down the chippy or whatever.

By all means a calm conversation about how it would be appropriate to finish one relationship before starting another would be a good idea.

Punishing him or indeed expecting full juicy details is not appropriate.

Yes, when your children bring people into your life and they are nice people it is always a shame when their relationship changes or moves on whether that is previous friends or gf/bf. I miss having DS's ex around as it was nice to have another female to chat with in an all male house. Are you perhaps feeling your own loss?

As for the mother calling the only reason she should be doing that is if your DS is continuing to harass her daughter when the daughter has asked him to stay away.

I think you need to step back. there would appear to be nothing in what he said to you that warrants a punishment either unless he said it in a very aggressive manner in which case you should address only the tome he used with you and not the content of what he said.

youshallnotpass9 · 01/04/2021 12:47

As long as it is the fact he has been a massive dick by cheating on his ex, then I would stay out of it.

The only reason why I would have gotten involved as the girlfriend's mother is if he wasn't taking no for an answer and harrassing her, if that is the case, then I would sit him down about that and nothing else.

The only other thing I would do is having a conversation about safe sex, STI's but I think that ship has selled with him telling you to butt out and you should respect his wishes on that.