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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Mywingshurt · 02/04/2021 20:51

I'd do exactly the same in your position. She's either genuinely mentally unwell and needs help to be arranged by her parents, or she's manipulating your son.

It's nice that he's so concerned but you're helping to set a really clear boundary.

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 02/04/2021 20:57

@Mywingshurt

I'd do exactly the same in your position. She's either genuinely mentally unwell and needs help to be arranged by her parents, or she's manipulating your son.

It's nice that he's so concerned but you're helping to set a really clear boundary.

I do not know what to think, to me she has always seemed perfectly sane...

She could be manipulating my son, or she could genuinely be mentally ill, the whole situation is making my son anxious, he hasn't eaten today her nonsense is having an effect on his mental health.

I do not need this right now!

OP posts:

ParadiseIsland · 02/04/2021 21:35

If she was to send another suicide message, I would be calling the police
For her own welfare.
Like you would for anyone else who threatened to kill themselves.

Because either she needs help.
Or she is faking and needs to realise this is not on (and so does your ds btw)

ParadiseIsland · 02/04/2021 21:36

Same with the ‘worrying messages’ btw

Alsohuman · 02/04/2021 22:19

I do not need this right now!

Nor does your son. He needs to turn his phone off. She’s a drama queen.

Cloudyrainsham · 02/04/2021 22:25

He’s 16, it’s going to happen. You should stay out if it and so should the girls mother. He won’t thank you for getting involved.

Nonamemoana · 02/04/2021 22:26

I think you are right to talk to your child, and tell him that you're not happy...in private!

But I'd have told the other woman that she has overstepped the mark calling you.

Boundaries, anyone?

Inaquandry19 · 02/04/2021 22:32

Teenagers will make mistakes. God only knows I did some awful things as a teenager. I have learnt from them though, I am no longer the arsehole I once was. Let him learn for himself. You can't live his life for him.

Andi2020 · 02/04/2021 22:50

@BonsaiiPochette I have read through all your post and some teenagers are like this don't want bf/gf spend time with others but it isn't very healthy but unfortunately covid19 is restricting teenagers meeting up and if he got her in the habit of just the 2 if them it is then hard for her to have it changed.
She does sound like a princess getting her mum involved in her lies.
I would not allow him go as she will talk him around make promises and do the same again.
At 16 they need to be having fun with friends and experiences
Hope your ds is ok.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 23:29

OP,
If she is threatening to hurt herself, ring the police and ask them to do a welfare check.

Your son is 16.
He also needs protection.
This could be very damaging for his MH too.
If she is threatening self harm to manipulate him then she needs to be spoken too.

If she is serious, she needs help but not from your son.

5 months is 5 minutes at 16 years.

OP, you need to take control.
Check the messages and ring the police to call to her house.

This is not on your son.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 23:31

@billy1966

OP, If she is threatening to hurt herself, ring the police and ask them to do a welfare check.

Your son is 16.
He also needs protection.
This could be very damaging for his MH too.
If she is threatening self harm to manipulate him then she needs to be spoken too.

If she is serious, she needs help but not from your son.

5 months is 5 minutes at 16 years.

OP, you need to take control.
Check the messages and ring the police to call to her house.

This is not on your son.

Other way round. At 16, 5 months is a long time.

Osirus · 03/04/2021 00:25

@BonsaiiPochette

They've been together for 5 months...

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

I feel over dramatic!

Yep.

His response to you was spot on.

He’s been an idiot - but he doesn’t need you to tell him that. He knows cheating is wrong.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 03/04/2021 01:08

Things have have moved on, people. How hard is it just to read the OP’s updates, if all you’re coming on to do is berate her? You just look foolish.

MimiDaisy11 · 03/04/2021 09:41

I wish there was a button to just hide people who haven't read the full thread. Their responses peppered through are just annoying.

HermitsLife · 03/04/2021 10:46

OP my DS has had a girlfriend pull this shit on him (and it is a manipulation tactic).

He needs to go grey rock with her. block her on everything and don't engage. You need to be his support through this because he will feel guilty and that it is on him to "fix it", but he can't, this is her problem. I know how awful it is but he will get through it.

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 03/04/2021 11:11

@MimiDaisy11

I wish there was a button to just hide people who haven't read the full thread. Their responses peppered through are just annoying.

Thank you, I was very reluctant to post on here... people just don't listen.

I took advice and called the police to go round to the house and check on her.

Her mother called me being very abusive, I sent her all the screenshots.

I will do whatever, I need to do to protect my son.

He is annoyed at me for calling them, but I do not care.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 03/04/2021 11:42

I think you are right to call now. A sixteen year old shouldn’t have to deal with manipulative behaviour on this scale alone. I hope this girl’s Mother recognises her daughter has a problem and gives her the help she needs.

ParadiseIsland · 03/04/2021 16:12

@BonsaiiPochette, youve done well.

Ill explain to your ds that you should never dismiss suicide threats. And he needs to remember how crap he would feel if his gf committed suicide and he hadn’t done anything.

I’d say the same to the mother.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 03/04/2021 20:59

Something tells me she will back off now.

billy1966 · 03/04/2021 21:48

OP,
I think you have been both wise and responsible.
God forbid that child would do something, how would you feel.
What a truly shocking load for your son.
That poor girl needs help.
Your son is not responsible after 5 months for her life.
You did the correct thing handing this over.
If this child was serious your son would truly be impacted for life.
You would have been failing him utterly for leaving him open to that possibility.

Her mother's reaction is appalling.
Block and back away.

Jumpingjackflash29 · 03/04/2021 23:41

I think you’ve tried to do the safest thing in this situation, but it seems to have escalated.
First, if your son did cheat on her I doubt he would admit it to you? Would you admit to your mum if you cheated on your partner? Did his dad call his mum when he cheated on you?
At this point, it doesn’t really matter if he did or didn’t cheat. What does matter is how you’ve reacted to it.
He probably wanted you to be on his side, not that of his ex. From what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like you offered him support before you reacted to what may well have just been hearsay.
Do you have a clear picture of where your boundaries are in his life? At 16, can he manage his own relationships? And come to you if he needs help, rather than you making yourself involved?
You have done the safe thing by calling the police to her house, but could it have been done by calling her parents instead? Could you imaging how you would feel if the police turned up at your house to check on your son and you didn’t even know he was mentally unwell?
16 is a really impressionable time for him, so as much support is needed but making sure he has space. You could use other aspects of his life you are involved in as teachable moments. For example this might it be a good time to encourage him to join in with the country wide lockdown? Setting a good example to follow the government rules, probably will help him make sensible relationship decisions.
Or teaching him how to give people appropriate boundaries by demonstrating how much you care about him but without interfering in his life.

billy1966 · 04/04/2021 00:08

Her son has told her he didn't cheat, he just didn't wantbto be with her night and day.

Why can the OP not believe her son.

If he dod cheat on his girlfriend of 5 months, does that mean he should expect suicide threats?

He is 16 and is bound to make mistakes.

A 16 year old threatening suicide over a failed 5 month relationship is not normal.

I had my heart brken at that age, crushed actually, but suicide???
Jesus that is not normal.
That definitely should not be put on another 16 year old.

The OP was dead right to call the police.
Her son was getting messages that were frightening him.
Not his responsibility.

I think the OP did the best she could for both teens.

thatsforsure · 04/04/2021 09:17

My now 17 year old had a lovely girlfriend aged 16 - we really liked her and we loved the way that they had fun together and he loved her family - it felt like a good influence in his life.
When it ended (his doing) I felt really sad. He wouldnt talk about it.
I left it alone and after a while he talked to me about it - he was feeling the pressure of his GCSEs - he didnt think hed do well he thought theyd be disappointed in him - he had cheated and realised that was to make himself feel better. He didnt want her to know and so just ended it
He now realises that he really messed up.
My point is that in the end he learnt the lesson for himself which he had to do

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2021 10:23

You did the right thing, OP.

Her mother clearly wasn't able to see her daughter is either in need of support for some serious mental health issues (controlling/clingy behaviour and suicidal thoughts over a 5 month relationship ending etc) OR a reality check for manipulative, unreasonable frankly abusive behaviour (controlling behaviour, false threats to keep people doing what she wants, keeping her boyfriend in her life out of fear, etc).

Either way, she needs help.

And your son is lucky to have you help him show him how to set boundaries and send in the professionals. He needs to stand up for .himself and see that it's ok to step away from someone who is treating him in this manner

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 04/04/2021 12:50

Ok...

Yesterday mum a screen shot of a text message where my son told her daughter

"Go and play with your dolls" - I do not know what was said before this, because she didn't show me. Apparently that is what triggered her daughter to "lose it"

I do not understand why him saying that, would make her lose her mind....

Things have seemed to calm down now, she is no longer taking to social media.

OP posts:

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