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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 14:22

Definitely don't contact her mother!!!!! Stay out of it. Really.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 14:22

@BonsaiiPochette

Hi I'm back.

Right I feel so stupid....

He has apologised for being rude, he said that he was rude because I automatically took sides, and I'm suppose to be his mum.

He said that he hasn't cheated on her, he never would and he is not "friendly" with any other girls, and he doesn't plan to be.

He has said over the recent pass two weeks, she has been becoming very clingy i.e always wants to talk on the phone/FaceTime, go for walks etc. He explained he doesn't mind doing those things, but it is as if she is trying to take him away from his friends, and he doesn't want to lose them over her.

On Monday he and his friend went for a day out, they wanted to go on the cable carts, she was annoyed that he didn't invite her. He told me he didn't invite her because he wanted to spend time with his friends and she is afraid of heights.

She has been being nasty to him ever since, sending horrible text messages, deleting pictures of the pair of them on Instagram etc.

I mentioned his change of behaviour, he said because he has been stressed out, he is tired of trying to please her "she behaves like a spoilt child, you don't know the REAL her".

He said that he no longer wants to see her, because she has been having a bad effect on his mental health and that he just wants to spend time with his friends, and at home with me and his younger brother.

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

You offer him a hug and your support? Tell him well done for recognising he is in a toxic situation here are your running shoes son the hills are that way be glad you found out now

And block everyone

Then relax

x2boys · 01/04/2021 14:23

I think you should still stay out of it even now you have heard his side of the story ,he's allowed not to want to be in a relationship with her ,and he shouldn't let her blackmail him into staying with her ,my first serious boyfriend was like this got upset when I wanted to finish him it's probably a relief for him to have finished with her .

Rollmopsrule · 01/04/2021 14:23

You should never assume what it's like to be in a relationship with someone because they seem 'lovely' and polite. I'm glad he got his side of the story across and yes I think you were in the wrong to immediately believe the girls mother. No wonder he snapped at you. Where do you go from here?? I would say stay out of his love life and next time maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to give you his side before jumping to conclusions. He sounds like he's made a sensible decision regarding this girl.

Trixie78 · 01/04/2021 14:24

He's 16, of course he cheated on his lovely girlfriend. It's what every 16 ever has done. Stay out of it, he's right, it's really none of your business.

Mellonsprite · 01/04/2021 14:24

@BonsaiiPochette

Hi I'm back.

Right I feel so stupid....

He has apologised for being rude, he said that he was rude because I automatically took sides, and I'm suppose to be his mum.

He said that he hasn't cheated on her, he never would and he is not "friendly" with any other girls, and he doesn't plan to be.

She has been being nasty to him ever since, sending horrible text messages, deleting pictures of the pair of them on Instagram etc.

I mentioned his change of behaviour, he said because he has been stressed out, he is tired of trying to please her "she behaves like a spoilt child, you don't know the REAL her".

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

You leave it up-to him, and don’t take sides snd don’t speak to the girls mum again. My DS15 dumped his GF for moaning that he didn’t respond to her messages quickly enough for her liking and didn’t remove other girls from his social media. I said good as it was clingy behaviour, and left it as that. Don’t interfere, they’re 16!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/04/2021 14:24

do I contact her mother??

Definitely not. She's already overreached, and all you'd be doing is giving her leverage to do more of the same.

If she raises it again close it down firmly and tell her you're not willing to discuss it, or take sides in what boils down to a kids' argument.

Some parents ... (meaning her).

sonjadog · 01/04/2021 14:25

No, don't contact her mother. They aren't little children who needs their mothers to facilitate their life. Support your son in ending a relationship that wasn't working for him, but let him deal with it. You need to learn to take a step back now that he is growing up and deal with his own relationships and the fall out.

Babdoc · 01/04/2021 14:25

Well, that was a valuable lesson learned, OP. For you, I mean, not him!
You automatically believed the girl’s mother and sided with the girl, perhaps because of your own history of being cheated on.
No wonder your son was furious and rude to you. He must have been very hurt that his own mum wouldn’t even wait to hear his side before piling in against him.
On the plus side, it means you have raised a decent young man, who had NOT cheated on his girlfriend. You need to rebuild bridges with him, and in future at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

Moondust001 · 01/04/2021 14:26

Hmm. And as a few people said, there was only one version of the story here and the other one is VERY different! I don't particularly blame this young man for being upset that his mother automatically took the other persons side and didn't even ask for his!

There is just a little too much automatically assuming that all fault must lay with the males on these boards. Women are not angels either. And relationships are hard work for everyone. Social mores say that fidelity is important. Genetics and evolution says differently, for both sexes. It's always going to be a tension. Treating people, whether male or female, with respect and honesty should be paramount. And one place to start with that is not to leap to conclusions, as the OP and so many people did, about the actions of a young man who, it appears, did not do what he was accused of. Or, at the very least, has a different truth.

Confusedandshaken · 01/04/2021 14:43

I'm very impressed that the OP is taking other peoples views on board!

@BonsaiiPochette - I think this is an occasion when all you can do is use the killer parental phrases ' I'm very disappointed in you' and/or 'You've let yourself down'.

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 15:00

@Trixie78

He's 16, of course he cheated on his lovely girlfriend. It's what every 16 ever has done. Stay out of it, he's right, it's really none of your business.

Hello,

Please read my latest update, my son didn't cheat on her.

Thank you

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2021 15:06

@BonsaiiPochette

Yes this is real...

When I say "where do I go from here".... I mean, do I contact her mother??

I do not understand why she has told her that my son has cheated.

Or should we just forget about the recent events?

Keep on talking to him. Just let him know you are there to listen to him, you aren't taking sides - please god don't let him think you are still taking sides!

He needs to know that you will support him.

You don't need to contact her mother**. Her mother has your number. Should the girl turn out to be pregnant you'll hear from her again!

she sounds quite young, given her mother's input, maybe not so much older after all! She may have said anything to her mum, you have no idea. Best leave them to it until and unless they come back with more details on the pregnancy.

Most of all concentrate on telling your son he is entitled to end the relationship; entitled to be angry at YOU for having taken her side against him, as that is obviously how he felt/how you came across. Mostly keep lines of communication open with him.

**Unless you fear there may actually be a pregnancy and you want the mum to know so she can intervene, get her daughter some support. But make sure you go into that one gently.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/04/2021 15:08

@This an extreme reaction. His father cheating on you is absolutely NOTHING like a 16yo boy cheating on his similarly aged girlfriend.”

Is it not step 1?

LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2021 15:08

@BonsaiiPochette - In relation to where do you go from here I think you ignore the mother, she is not your issue to fix and you don't get involved with her daughter either.
You give your son a huge hug for realising that he was rude to you and apologising to you and you apologise to him if he thought you took sides. You be there for him, if and when he needs you or your support.
Now I'll go back

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 01/04/2021 15:08

Just listen, keep out of it and if the mum calls just keep repeating 'it's between the two of them'.

Then don't get involved beyond that.

Most people I know did silly things between about 16 and early twenties, lots of cheating, I never did, but it's extremely common, overlapping boyfriend/girlfriends, there's no 'dating' culture in the UK like in the US and so you have to end up being serious with one person too early on and then back out/cheat/lessen interest if you don't like them anymore. Your son hasn't done anything wrong here, but you shouldn't want him to attach to one girl so early on anyway.

Same with girls, all the female friends I had were out snogging different guys, lots had a boyfriend at home and messed about at uni or vice versa. It's not the same as cheating in a marriage whatsoever IMO.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2021 15:08

Pressed 'Post Message' too soon - I wanted to finish off by saying that I'll go back and read what the others have suggested so far.

slashlover · 01/04/2021 15:11

But so did I , my first thought was he had raped her so yours was milder at least

WTAF?

Whattodo1610 · 01/04/2021 15:12

You still may not know the full story OP - you know what he wants you to know.

He may have cheated, he may not.

But stay out of everything. Be there for him to chat, give advice when he asks, that’s all.

therocinante · 01/04/2021 15:13

You are WAY too involved in all of this. Of course you don't call her mother, and you should just stay well out of it. He's an older teenager, having over-dramatic teenager relationships. Not unusual and not something you should or need to get involved in.

IEat · 01/04/2021 15:17

Did he kill anyone? Got anyone hooked on heroin? No he cheated and yes, hurt his ex’s feelings. Why did her mum have to get involved, let the deal with things .

RLJ1905 · 01/04/2021 15:18

Hi op,

I do think after your update that your son just needs an apology from you and assurance you're on his side. If his version of events are true then it's likely the gf has made up the lie to punish him in some way.

The Gf's mother should never have called you in the first place, I find it bizarre to get involved in your teenage child's relationship. I wouldn't call her , I would stay out of it now and just let your son deal with it, letting him know you're there for him if he needs it.

Mellonsprite · 01/04/2021 15:19

@BonsaiiPochette

Yes this is real...

When I say "where do I go from here".... I mean, do I contact her mother??

I do not understand why she has told her that my son has cheated.

Or should we just forget about the recent events?

No don’t contact the mother! Just leave it now. It’s not what either of you thought..... no need for mums to be involved.

nancywhitehead · 01/04/2021 15:20

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

At your son's age this is literally none of your business. Stop sticking your nose in and let him get on with it!

nancywhitehead · 01/04/2021 15:21

[quote ScrollingLeaves]@This an extreme reaction. His father cheating on you is absolutely NOTHING like a 16yo boy cheating on his similarly aged girlfriend.”

Is it not step 1?[/quote]
No. It's not "step 1". It's a 16 year old finding their feet and working out relationships.

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