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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
BonsaiiPochette · 04/04/2021 12:56

@billy1966

Her son has told her he didn't cheat, he just didn't wantbto be with her night and day.

Why can the OP not believe her son.

If he dod cheat on his girlfriend of 5 months, does that mean he should expect suicide threats?

He is 16 and is bound to make mistakes.

A 16 year old threatening suicide over a failed 5 month relationship is not normal.

I had my heart brken at that age, crushed actually, but suicide???
Jesus that is not normal.
That definitely should not be put on another 16 year old.

The OP was dead right to call the police.
Her son was getting messages that were frightening him.
Not his responsibility.

I think the OP did the best she could for both teens.
Flowers

Thank you :)
OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/04/2021 13:38

Sending only one cryptic message out of context is classic manipulation IMO.

Her mother sounds no better.

Block her too.

FWIW I would read that comment as a sarcastic response to a childish nasty remark she made.
He was telling her get lost.

It's over. Don't entertain either of them.
Perhaps give the school the heads up though.

Flowers
x2boys · 04/04/2021 14:16

Why are you still engaging with this? Just block them both and walk away and tell your son to do the same .

BonsaiiPochette · 04/04/2021 14:17

@billy1966

Sending only one cryptic message out of context is classic manipulation IMO.

Her mother sounds no better.

Block her too.

FWIW I would read that comment as a sarcastic response to a childish nasty remark she made.
He was telling her get lost.

It's over. Don't entertain either of them.
Perhaps give the school the heads up though.

Flowers

Thanks, I feel a lot better now.

My son and her daughter are no longer at school, son turns 17 shortly.

Happy Easter & enjoy your Sunday.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 04/04/2021 14:48

Do not get into a discussion with the mother about the texts sent between them and what they might mean! Just block them and move on. Support your son if he needs it. It is important that he learns to recognize manipulation and how to tackle it in relationships. Most likely this is something he will experience again in later relationships.

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2021 17:15

Sounds like the girl has learned drama and how to manipulate people from her mother.

Your son is well away from that relationship and family.

georgarina · 04/04/2021 17:39

He's 16, it's totally inappropriate to punish him for what he does in his relationship.

You can say you're disappointed or ask to know more, but he's within his rights not to talk to you about it. Ultimately it really is not your business - when I was that age, my relationships were not my parents' business and I couldn't imagine being 'punished' for something that was between me and my boyfriend.

Honestly I think you need to step back and separate this moment from past experiences.

georgarina · 04/04/2021 17:43

*Just read all the updates. This pair sounds insane. Have a talk with your son and make sure they stay out of both of your lives!

Boomclaps · 04/04/2021 19:57

Glad you’re feeling better are they at FE college maybe drop the pastoral team a line?

BonsaiiPochette · 04/04/2021 22:26

She has started posted on social media again...

Mum has sent an abusive text, this family is seriously deranged. I have blocked her number, to be honest with you I feel to call the police. I shouldn't have to cope with this nonsense.

Her and my son have engaged in intercourse, I am actually scared that she might take it to another level and start making up things to get him in trouble.

This is not good.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 05/04/2021 01:05

Making stuff up? Do you feel she will claim coercion or underage sex?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2021 01:14

As far as them suddenly claiming the sex was not consensual, at this point there isn't much you can do about that. Hopefully that won't happen.

If the mother has been at all threatening, if you have told her not to message you and she continues, or if she is using other numbers to get around your block, then yes call the police. It's harassment. Keep all her messages to show them.

TheTeenageYears · 05/04/2021 01:54

Given that the girls mother called you and your reaction I don't think either DS or his exGF are mature enough for a relationship, never mind a sexual one after 5 months. Some Covid rule breaking must have been going on stage managed by the adults for that to have been a possibility over the last 5 months surely.

Your past experience is clouding your objectivity in this situation. Don't get so invested with future girlfriends, tell him how disappointed in him you are and leave it at that. If he starts pestering the exGF or something in the future then deal with that then but bringing someone up to behave better than they have doesn't really give you the right to punish them.

loffie · 05/04/2021 04:22

Take a step back.

She might or might not be making things up, but how old is she? 16 as well? She's been going out with a boy her age, she's slept with him (possibly her first sexual experience), and he's dumped her after a few months. That's what you know. It doesn't sound particularly respectful to her.

Many women get clingy after they've slept with someone. They're more likely to get emotionally attached, and to act out if they don't feel that emotional attachment is being reciprocated.

You and your DS are not to blame if she's suicidal (you are never responsible for someone else's mental health), but I do think your DS needs a conversation about respect for women. Consent is essential, but it's more about just consent in the moment - if he's to grow up as a decent man, he needs to think about why she's saying yes, and if that's built on any untruths.

Sometimes a woman will say yes to no-strings-attached sex and it's OK to take that consent and enjoy it. Sometimes she will say yes because she thinks her partner has deeper feelings for her than he actually does, and if he's a gentleman and he knows that, he will gently take that consent and decline it.

All of the men I know who have ever cheated are men who saw their mothers being cheated on by their fathers. Without exception. If your DS knows why you and your ex broke up, I would say he's at prime risk of becoming a man who doesn't treat women well, and this is an opportunity to make sure he doesn't continue on that path.

If you do believe his side of the story, I don't think it's overstepping your duty as a woman to tell him you believe him but to help him find some empathy and compassion for how the girl is feeling, and to ask him to think about how he would handle things differently next time, knowing what he does now. I assume you've already discussed safe sex with him, including pregnancy and STIs, but if not, that's also an awkward conversation you need to have.

It's really not rocket science to expect that a 16-year-old girl (or worse, a 15-year-old girl) who has sex with her boyfriend and is dumped shortly thereafter is going to lose it emotionally. She's still a child, she's still going through puberty and learning how to deal with big feelings. And being dumped after a few months feels pretty shitty no matter the age.

He wasn't necessarily wrong to leave her, but I do wonder if he should have slept with her in the first place. Like I said, it's about more than just consent in the moment. Consent in the moment is the legal minimum. It takes more than behaving the law to be a gentleman, and that's how we should raise our sons if we want to make the world a safer place.

So, no, I don't think you should punish him per se, but I think you should have a pretty awkward conversation. I guess for a teenage boy, that sort of talk is punishment in itself. Honestly, OP, I think this is a sliding doors moment for your son. He can either take this experience and learn how to treat women better, or he can dismiss it as 'well, that girl was crazy' and grow into the sort of man you really don't want him to become.

loffie · 05/04/2021 04:23

** behaving in line with the law

Typo!

redcarbluecar · 05/04/2021 05:52

I think you’re just going to get more defensiveness if you try to get involved- he’s perhaps already learning lessons from the situation. You could factually tell him what the mum said so that, even if she was out of order, he can see how people react to these things.

garlictwist · 05/04/2021 05:54

He'd 16. Stay out if it. I can't believe the girls mum got involved. They are young, shit like this happens and will soon be forgotten about.

JemimaJoy · 05/04/2021 06:29

It's none of your business and it was very inappropriate of her mum to phone you about it. It's a stupid teenage relationship. He didn't beat her for goodness sake, probably just snogged someone. Not great but he's 16! Were you expecting a proposal or something? Confused

JemimaJoy · 05/04/2021 06:42

Just RTFT. What a big fuss. The mums getting involved made it all worse, would have otherwise been just another teenage breakup that got dramatic and then fizzled out. Hopefully the involvement of you and her mum means that there's now absolutely no going back for their relationship. I'd keep all the screenshots and literally all messages she has sent to your son, especially evidence of her harrassing him/wanting to see him/get back with him, just in case she does try to claim anything horrible to get him in trouble.

ParadiseIsland · 05/04/2021 10:04

I would keep the screenshot of all the SM posts and the texts, incl the ones where she admits making stuff up.

It sounds like it borders in harassment and I would want to keep trace of their behaviour.

Other than that, I’m not sure that you can do anything else. But you need a chat with your ds on how to handle that sort of situation so he is clear on how to react and why you are reacting in a certain way too.

ParadiseIsland · 05/04/2021 10:08

@loffie, having some empathy doesn’t mean being a doormat.

I agree about showing empathy towards her if she has been feeling very hurt.
It doesn’t mean he was wrong to want to keep his independence. Nit does it mean it’s ok for her to send him upsetting messages (see the suicide threats). Or that she and her mum (!!) can send abusive messages, use SM etc... to hurt him as much as they can.

You can hurt very badly but none of those behaviours are ok. And they shouldn’t be accepted because ‘you want to be compassionate’.
Boundaries are something that they BOTH (the ds and the ex) need to learn

billy1966 · 05/04/2021 15:10

@ParadiseIsland

I would keep the screenshot of all the SM posts and the texts, incl the ones where she admits making stuff up.

It sounds like it borders in harassment and I would want to keep trace of their behaviour.

Other than that, I’m not sure that you can do anything else. But you need a chat with your ds on how to handle that sort of situation so he is clear on how to react and why you are reacting in a certain way too.

Definitely keep shots of everything.

Call 101 and ask for advice.
You were onto them the other day.

Be proactive but don't engage with the mum.
Nothing to be gained by it IMO.

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