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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 01/04/2021 12:47

What do you think an appropriate punishment would be for this? He's lost his relationship, her friends will no doubt make his life a bit hellish for a while and he may or may not date the other person for a while.

I understand that you have history of this with your ex but punishing your DS won't take that away.

You can be disappointed because you had hoped he would be a better person than that, but that's about it.

greatauntfanny · 01/04/2021 12:48

dese mommas be third wheelin

Derbee · 01/04/2021 12:48

Definitely over reacting. His “punishment” is not having a lovely girlfriend anymore.

Leave it for now. When the dust has settled, you can have a conversation about cheating/respect/feelings etc but now is not the time.

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 12:48

Thanks for everyones comments, I was very reluctant to post on here but you have all been so kind.

I now know that I am over exaggerating, but I do not want him to make this a regular habit!

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 01/04/2021 12:49

What are you going to do if he does this when he's 26?

Leave well alone. I'd be mortified if my mum got involved in my "relationships" at that age.

Donotgogentle · 01/04/2021 12:54

@greatauntfanny

dese mommas be third wheelin
Is it school holidays Grin
Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 12:58

Oh he has already finished school, he will be 17 soon!

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 01/04/2021 12:58

Honestly stay out of it. He's 16. They're all total knobs at that age. Take some deep breaths and I'm about 5 years this will all be a bad memory GrinThanks

LongHairDontCare38 · 01/04/2021 13:00

I think you're really projecting how you felt when his father cheated on you. Step back from the emotion & discuss how women should be treated

user1487194234 · 01/04/2021 13:04

Stay out of it.Can't believe the other mum contacted you

Pinkdelight3 · 01/04/2021 13:05

we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls

Well, if he DF cheated on you, then in a sense he has been raised to do exactly that. Through no fault of your own but his main male role model has done it so it's hardly unthinkable that he'd try it out.

But overall agree that it's beyond your remit and his response to you is fair enough. Let him make his own mistakes and be there when/if he needs your advice.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/04/2021 13:06

So, we can expect to hear from your future DIL at some point how you butt into her relationship with your son, then.

OP you need to get a grip , this is your son’s relationship not yours and your husband. It’s rather creepy how you are conflating the two. Seriously, you want to hold your son accountable for something that happened to you. FFS, get some help to learn some boundaries.

username34512875 · 01/04/2021 13:08

As much as it’s super refreshing to see a mother holding their son to account for their actions I’d stay out of it. But nonetheless that doesn’t mean you can’t express how disappointed you are and how wrong it is to do that to somebody.

Method · 01/04/2021 13:08

I'm in the minority, but I would at least punish him for the way he talked to you. And I'd want to sit him down and have strong words about the way he treats women. MN always seems so contradictory! People commented yesterday how they would report their son to the police yet would not have words about how adults respectfully end a relationship with a 16yo... Confused

speakout · 01/04/2021 13:09

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

Sounds extremely reasonable.

Mellonsprite · 01/04/2021 13:12

As a mum to 2 teenage boys..... definitely don’t get involved, beyond asking what has happened, if he chooses to tell you fine, if not that’s his business.
The girls mum was well out of order contacting you.

Hey2492 · 01/04/2021 13:14

Punishing sounds a bit extreme. Yes he did wrong but he’s also only 16 and hopefully will learn from his mistake. I would be more cringed out that her mum rang you! I would be mortified if my mum rang an ex boyfriends mum when I was a teen - even if he did cheat 😂

Whythesadface · 01/04/2021 13:15

Be his mum, punishment is that his Girlfriend has finished it.
He shouldn't talk to you like that, so you need to pull him up if he does it again.
But maybe back off a bit and let him start to Adult,

Mittens030869 · 01/04/2021 13:16

Well, if he DF cheated on you, then in a sense he has been raised to do exactly that. Through no fault of your own but his main male role model has done it so it's hardly unthinkable that he'd try it out.

That’s a very good point.

I agree with PPs that you’ve become over invested, but better to rant on AIBU and get honest answers than to rail at the ex-boyfriend’s mum like the other mum did.

Beautiful3 · 01/04/2021 13:21

No I wouldnt punish him. I'd stay out of it. He knows hes done wrong, he's young and figuring out relationships through trial and error.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/04/2021 13:25

I agree with the PP who stated that the girl's mother had no business interfering or phoning you. It was crossing the line.

Yes, it's commendable to bring up our sons to respect women. Had you son done any one of the above, I'd be very seriously concerned and would act decisively involving other professions or law enforcement if necessary: coercion, non-consensual sex (rape), threatening behaviour, stalking, psychological abuse or physical violence.

Cheating isn't a great thing to do to someone else but it happens. It happens in particular when people are young and not all that sensible, but it happens with people who are much older and in much-more established relationships. Sexual infidelity isn't ideal but neither is it illegal.

Your son is right, and if he doesn't want to discuss this with you I would respect this and not involve myself any further. The girl's mother is far out of line.

raincamepouringdown · 01/04/2021 13:25

I would like to think the girl's mother only called you because your son now won't leave her daughter alone (eg, begging her to take him back, not leaving her alone after the fact, etc). She would be within her rights to ask you to tell him to back off and stay away from her if that was the case. Otherwise, she shouldn't have involved herself either.

You should stay out of it UNLESS he is harassing/stalking/continuing to pester her to forgive him/take him back, etc.

Although I would make it clear how disappointed you are that he didn't have the basic decency to break up with her if he wanted to date/get with other girls. Twat behaviour.

Owwlie · 01/04/2021 13:28

Definitely talk to him about his change in behaviour/attitude towards you, that’s unacceptable.

As for his relationship, well he’s right, it is none of your business.

When things have calmed down I think it would be appropriate to talk to him about why you were so annoyed about the cheating, and that you find it an unacceptable way to treat women but also bare in mind you only have one side of the story so far.

Also, I agree your overreacting and if his father cheated on you as you said, then you may be projecting a bit and not wanting him to turn out like his father, which is understandable. But punishing him really isn’t appropriate here.

Tal45 · 01/04/2021 13:29

I wouldn't punish him, he's growing up and has to learn for himself. During my years at uni I don't think I knew anyone who didn't at least snog other people if their BF/GF wasn't around, and a number of them went a whole lot further. We all grew up to have long marriages though without anyone lecturing or punishing us.

1forAll74 · 01/04/2021 13:30

Young people this age,do not like being questioned about their love lives. 5 months in with a girlfriend,and some falling out,is hardly a big issue. Some parents don''t even know that their teenagers have a girl or boyfriend,or have fallen out with one.. Teenagers breaking up with someone, they usually think it's the end of the world for them, and parents getting involved ,is just stupid.

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