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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 14:03

Sorry, but also, how is what he said to you this morning rude? Sounds like exactly what I would expect a 16 year old to say to his mum when she was questioning him. So, so odd.

wewereliars · 01/04/2021 14:03

You are completely entitled to expect respect from him but his relationshiop is absolutely not your busines. He is growing up, you need to learn to step back.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2021 14:04

You are being a bit of a drama llama. Calm down a bit and then talk to him again. Tell him you were quite shocked to be contacted by the girl's mother and want to know that he is OK - that is the root cause of your anxiety, isn't it? WTF happened to him etc? So phrase it in a less accusatory manner. He could be acutely embarressed by something, so don't back himinto a defensive corner especially if he knows that cheatng is something his dad did to you!

Deep breath, Keep calm and carry on caring!

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 01/04/2021 14:04

They are 16, I can’t get worked up about ‘cheating’ at 16.

I repeat, they are 16.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 14:05

I bet you are of the view “boys will be boys”. Definitely wouldn’t want my child dating yours hmm

Please. We (me (female) and my girlfriends) were all flitting around among the boys when we were that age (not always sexual). I actually wouldn't want my child in some sort of heavy "committed" relationship at that age.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/04/2021 14:05

@LemonTT - so you don't think his mother should pull him up on how he spoke to her (and only that part of the situation)???
Did you mean to select someone else's post as your reply doesn't make a whole lot of sense when I read what I posted and then read your response to it.

Whattodo1610 · 01/04/2021 14:09

Agree you should keep out of it.

However, I have conversations with my teenagers, ‘adult’ children about respecting others, not cheating on partners, being very honest with partners. Particularly with my eldest boy who is not looking for a deep, meaningful, long term relationship - I’ve always told him to respect his partner, be very honest and upfront, don’t let her believe there’s more to it if there’s not.

Other than that, they have to deal with their own relationships. You can’t control what your son does or how he treats people. You can only guide him on the right path.it’s up to him how he chooses to walk that path.

earthyfire · 01/04/2021 14:12

I'd keep put of it. You've heard a one sided story from his GFs mother who is probably hurt but her daughter is probably feeling mortified her mother called you.

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 14:13

Hi I'm back.

Right I feel so stupid....

He has apologised for being rude, he said that he was rude because I automatically took sides, and I'm suppose to be his mum.

He said that he hasn't cheated on her, he never would and he is not "friendly" with any other girls, and he doesn't plan to be.

He has said over the recent pass two weeks, she has been becoming very clingy i.e always wants to talk on the phone/FaceTime, go for walks etc. He explained he doesn't mind doing those things, but it is as if she is trying to take him away from his friends, and he doesn't want to lose them over her.

On Monday he and his friend went for a day out, they wanted to go on the cable carts, she was annoyed that he didn't invite her. He told me he didn't invite her because he wanted to spend time with his friends and she is afraid of heights.

She has been being nasty to him ever since, sending horrible text messages, deleting pictures of the pair of them on Instagram etc.

I mentioned his change of behaviour, he said because he has been stressed out, he is tired of trying to please her "she behaves like a spoilt child, you don't know the REAL her".

He said that he no longer wants to see her, because she has been having a bad effect on his mental health and that he just wants to spend time with his friends, and at home with me and his younger brother.

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

OP posts:

Undisclosedlocation · 01/04/2021 14:13

@LaceyBetty

Sorry, but also, how is what he said to you this morning rude? Sounds like exactly what I would expect a 16 year old to say to his mum when she was questioning him. So, so odd.

Absolutely agree, that was in no way rude.

What seems more than a little rude however is the OP feeling entitled to deliver ‘punishments’ to a young adult for something that is quite frankly none of her business.

OP, time to step back a bit and let your DS learn how to become an adult. He will probably screw it up sometimes, or get someone do similar to him and he will get hurt.
Your only job is to offer advice IF ASKED. If you don’t, you will simply drive him to secrecy and ruin your relationship for the long term

Pantsomime · 01/04/2021 14:13

I can’t believe all the people saying stay out of it. He’s young and lives under your roof. Certainly don’t punish him but don’t dig into what happened unless he wants to give his side of the story. A reminder on morals, respect, healthy relationships, sexual health & how he’d feel if the girl did the same thing ( whatever it is ) to him - how would he feel- is what is needed here. Understanding & consequences- as an experienced adult it is your duty to give guidance & support or at least offer it to someone finding their way in the world of relationships- which after all fuels a lot of mumsnet interaction- it’s important

Meowchickameowmeow · 01/04/2021 14:15

Deal with the disrespectful way he spoke to you, stay out of the rest. The girl's mother shouldn't have called you.

Tubs11 · 01/04/2021 14:15

wouldn't get involved OP, but you could say to him not to do anything now that he will regret when he is older. I think you have to then leave it at that as relationships are complex and that is something he needs to figure out for himself. You can say you are disappointed and will miss the ex gf but beyond that I would stay out of it

Dissimilitude · 01/04/2021 14:15

You're overinvested. This stuff happens all the time between young people.

Undisclosedlocation · 01/04/2021 14:16

Sorry OP, x posts!

Second half of my post still stands I think.....step back and let him work it out. Don’t engage with the other mother at all and offer advise if he asks
He sounds like a good lad

Cocomarine · 01/04/2021 14:16

I’m glad someone already pulled you up on your thinking that’s it worse because she’s a LOVELY GIRL.

No, it’s shitty behaviour to cheat on anyone - even someone that mummy doesn’t think is nice and polite and lovely.

This is not for you to interfere and punish.

However, a conversation is fine. Reminding him that it’s a horrible way to treat ANYONE, and being clear that you’re disappointed that he would do that.

It might be worth an open discussion about why he cheated. Perhaps - just as an example - this girl wasn’t for him, but he felt pressure to stay with her (or not hurt her by ending it) because you thought she was so nice? In which case, a conversation about boundaries and how to end something in a kind way might help him.

But whilst by all means tell him you don’t like that behaviour - it’s really not something for you to punish.

TaraR2020 · 01/04/2021 14:16

Yanbu and I admire you for wanting to ensure your son grows up to be respectful of women. I agree that it would great if you can address disrespectful behaviour with him and of course you should deal with any bad behaviour towards you.

However...

I agree with other posters that you can't treat this is the same way you would naughtiness and you shouldn't be interfering in his relationships.

More than 1 way to skin a cat...There are ways and ways to address this and confronting your son while he's feeling defensive and wants to keep his love life separate is not the way to go about it.

You can show your disapproval of course you can, although one consequence of this might be that he won't come to you in the future when he needs help or advice but has screwed up.

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, some bigger than others. Maybe look at this as a learning experience for him.

When things have cooled down, I absolutely think you can have (unrelated) wider discussions on how women are treated by men re the current movement.

Your son should also know that you have his interests at heart and will support him when he's been treated badly.

Deal with your anger and disappointment and move on. It might be enough for now that he has registered your disapproval.

By all means look for opportunities to shape respectful behaviour of his partners, but it won't work if you come at it from a point of opposition to his behaviour.

You never know, he might be well aware that he's been a knob and simply not want to be made to feel worse than he does.

Cavagirl · 01/04/2021 14:17

Is this real???

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

Er - nowhere?

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 14:17

That update is exactly why I said I would rather my 16 years old not find him/her self in a serious committed relationship. Good for your son for recognising that he doesn't need to put up with such behaviour.

I would just apologise and tell him that you have learned your lesson and next time will wait until he feels ready to talk to you. Let him know you won't judge him until your know the whole story. And then only if he wants to tell you the whole story!!

NVision · 01/04/2021 14:17

He is right, none of your business really is it, you can lecture him a bit on it not being nice but would you expect your kids to punish you if you had done something wrong in your relationships?

Funguy · 01/04/2021 14:19

I think maybe you are entitled to talk to your son about how he has treated a girl to whom you have kindly given your hospitality to.
I remember when my lovely brother started treating girls badly, it was quite painful to us and we did not know what to do.
He certainly was not at all raised to do this, and Mum thought he was playing a macho part.
I do think you could say something about how upset you are both with his behaviour and the fact he has hurt this young woman.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 01/04/2021 14:20

You were right to be concerned even though it turned out to not be what you thought originally.

I'm glad you have a dim view of cheating as we should all have. I am sure you want your son to have a moral compass and be a decent human being. Not be another Ryan Giggs or Woody Allen, for example.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/04/2021 14:20

Firstly you jumped to conclusions
But so did I , my first thought was he had raped her so yours was milder at least
Secondly you don't punish a child for childish mistakes do not project your hurt as a mother and wife who was cheated on, they are completely different scenarios your ex oh had you and children he should have thought about
Love your son and be supportive you don't need to say bad things about his ex just keep the conversation all about him and what he plans to do next and be positive about him

Original poster

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 14:21

Yes this is real...

When I say "where do I go from here".... I mean, do I contact her mother??

I do not understand why she has told her that my son has cheated.

Or should we just forget about the recent events?

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/04/2021 14:22

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

It's fine for parents to be wrong sometimes, and acknowledge when we're wrong. Tell him you're sorry, and if he seems receptive to a conversation tell him your worries about the state of things at present and the myriad stories coming out about the ill-treatment of girls and women. You can tell them that this caused you to overreact, at the same time explaining why it's so important to you.

It does sound though as he's been willing to open up and you've already had a good conversation. So if he seems to want to leave things there, just thank him for trusting you and tell him he can always tell you anything. Then leave it there.

Don't worry so much OP, there isn't one parent who hasn't loused up somewhere and perhaps not heard our own child's side of the story as fully as we might have done.

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