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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

189 replies

Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:34

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP posts:
HooHaaaaaa · 30/03/2021 20:35

Sounds like you were both really bloody horrible to each other and you need a serious chat to be honest.

OneTC · 30/03/2021 20:36

Bleak

WonkyCactus · 30/03/2021 20:36

You were both as bad as each other to be honest.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2021 20:37

You lied to him for 7 years. The marriage is over without very very hard work. Which it doesn't sound like either of you are up for.

Navilana · 30/03/2021 20:38

Why do you fake orgasms?

Leaninghouse · 30/03/2021 20:40

You both sound awful. What's the point in faking it for 7 years!!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/03/2021 20:40

You both sound pretty horrible.

If you have been faking orgasms he obviously thinks he has been doing something right and won't try to change what he believes to be working out for you.

He should never have said that about your vagina particularly as you have birthed his children, bodies do change.

A calm and honest talk is well overdue for you both or the resentment will fester and you will eventually split anyway. That said I don't know how either of you will manage sex now because this argument will be playing on both your minds so it may well already be the nail in the coffin.

Trulyatraditionalman · 30/03/2021 20:41

He was a dick for the fanny comment. You were also a dick for lying to him for 7 years.

HavelockVetinari · 30/03/2021 20:42

Yikes. That's a massive spanner in the works! Why did you fake it? Is he terrible in the sack or did you feel the pressure (from porn usually) to climax in 5 minutes flat?

He sounds like a whiner - it's very common for couples with v young DC to have sex less frequently, it can be exhausting and leave you feeling 'touched out' at the end of the day. He's incredibly unreasonable to expect sex all the time in those circumstances.

However - if you've been faking it every time, how could he learn how to please you? Every woman is different (I'm bisexual, so have experience on both sides).

Sounds like you need some relationship counselling.

daysofthunder · 30/03/2021 20:42

Awful thing for him to say. But why would you lie and fake orgasms for 7 years? Why would you stay with someone you're not sexually compatible with?

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 30/03/2021 20:42

To be honest, when you start talking to each other like that the marriage is over, in my opinion. This is someone you’re supposed to love, and is supposed to love you. I know all couples have frustrations but the utter contempt in your words and his are so obvious.

Original poster
Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:42

I suppose I really wouldn't have seen faking an orgasm as detrimental. I would've felt worse for him if he knew the truth. Which is obviously sad. I always felt too bad to say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and it has just continued on that way for a very long time.

OP posts:
MerryDecembermas · 30/03/2021 20:43

That is so sad. Why on earth would you fake it. And then go on to settle down and have kids with a man you were faking it with. It makes no sense. Very, very sad for everyone.

Misskittyfantastico85 · 30/03/2021 20:44

Why would you fake it? By faking it, he has thought that you've enjoyed it so he has never had to change it up or do anything differently.

MrsNewms85 · 30/03/2021 20:44

This is so sad. Don't judge you for your outburst your frustrated, tired and hurt.

If you love him and want your marriage to work through this, I suggest trying to have a grown ups night, hard in lockdown I know.
Have some food you both like, few drinks (if you drink) and suggest you both make an effort. I rarely do my hair and make up these days cause I'm lockdown it seems pointless but when I do the other half notices and appreciates it the same way I appreciate when he has a shave and uses a bit aftershave.

Maybe have a chat about how he can improve things for you, maybe even get some toys?

Hope you're ok, sounds like you had a rough night.

overnightangel · 30/03/2021 20:46

So at no point in the 7 years were you grown up enough to talk about the problem and address it?

Wow

mackleless · 30/03/2021 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SpringTimeDream · 30/03/2021 20:47

@MrsTerryPratchett

You lied to him for 7 years. The marriage is over without very very hard work. Which it doesn't sound like either of you are up for.
It's over @Alice818

Not fair on either of you really. He wants sex you don't and when you have it doesn't work for you...why didn't you tell him 7 years ago?

Original poster
Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:48

@MrsNewms85 thank you for the advice. He is generally very complimentary of me and my body. This is the first time he has commented on anything related to my post baby body in a negative way, but we were both very cross and frustrated with things. I laughed because I suppose I thought it so hilarious that he can complain about my vagina but still manages to climax, yet I have never done that in all of our relationship. I've spent all day today thinking about what a sad fucking idiot I am.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 30/03/2021 20:49

@Alice818 I really feel for you. Obviously the news shouldn't have been broken in this way but it clearly needed to be said. Im in a similar boat myself (except 18 years!) and it started as not wanting to be nasty or critical. I wish with hindsight I'd had more confidence and knowledge in the past to ask for what I wanted, I feel half the fault lies with me because as pp said if he doesn't know, how can he fix it. I made my feelings clear a couple of years ago, things are better now but still not perfect. I'd like to go to marriage counselling but have too much on my plate to organise it and he, like your dh, is a head in the sand, pretend the convo never happened type person.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2021 20:50

Gosh. That looks like quite the turning point for your marriage. I can’t imagine any of those things being said in my own situation and not expecting it to be the death knell for it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2021 20:50

Gosh.

His comment was awful, but I also can’t get over the fact you’ve lied for 7 years!

MrsNewms85 · 30/03/2021 20:55

@Alice818 you're welcome lovely. Fingers crossed this a turning point and you both can start to feel better and communicate easier.

Ignore the rude, nasty and downright judgemental commenting Karen's. They aren't in your marriage, they don't know your life so have no right to judge.

All the best x

Original poster
Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:55

To be honest @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing, I can't get over it either. I have thought so many times about bringing it up but couldn't for the life of me think how to say it. Like how do you even begin. It got to a point where I knew it would be blurted out one day and I really really didn't want it to, but alas here we fucking are.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 30/03/2021 20:55

Op you’re not a sad fucking idiotFlowers . Men try really hard to make us come, and when it’sa new relationship you don’t want to let them down. Then suddenly 7 years have gone by and ...

Talk to him, it’s all you can do. Millions of other women are in the same situation.