7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

[Alice818]

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

If sounded like a horrible argument. However, if things do calm down, and you do have sex with him again, you owe it to both of you not to fake in future. Maybe, it’ll have positive results.

Jesus @50malificent7you have never had an orgasm with a partner? I find that odd, surely the same mechanical things that make you orgasm solo can be performed by someone else? Or by you with someone else present.

If you're used to concentrating hard on your own pleasure then having someone else huffing and puffing (even with the best intentions) can be very distracting, I think.

Anyway OP, he said something hurtful, you said something hurtful back (and it was true). It sounds worth salvaging. See Relate online? They will be able to help.

As others say, the ‘fanny’ comment was probably about a temporary lack of sex, but in my experience, those kinda comments generally lead to a permanent lack of sex anyhow.

If a partner told me they had been faking it for 7 years, I’d be shocked, embarrassed & mortified at first, afterwards it would probably more about trust and truth.
If you can trust someone enough to tell them what they are doing in bed isn’t cutting the mustard and you had been faking it for 7 years, I’d be seriously worried

However context also comes into it, if the comment was made during a general talk about sex I’m not sure how I would feel, TBH

If the comment was made during an argument, I think that would probably be the end of the relationship (for me).

OP get some sex aids. Everyone deserves organisms

I think his comments are unforgivable. Call me dramatic, that’s fine - no man would have the privilege of seeing my vagina again after alluding to it being unattractive. The audacity to bring this up during an argument too - what a low blow. I couldn’t have sex with him again, as that would simply be me mugging myself off. He can feel free to leave.

I would end the relationship - let’s be honest it doesn’t sound like much will be missed. Don’t waste another 7 years OP. You’re really missing out. Life doesn’t have to be like this

@MrsNewms85

This is so sad. Don't judge you for your outburst your frustrated, tired and hurt.

If you love him and want your marriage to work through this, I suggest trying to have a grown ups night, hard in lockdown I know.
Have some food you both like, few drinks (if you drink) and suggest you both make an effort. I rarely do my hair and make up these days cause I'm lockdown it seems pointless but when I do the other half notices and appreciates it the same way I appreciate when he has a shave and uses a bit aftershave.

Maybe have a chat about how he can improve things for you, maybe even get some toys?

Hope you're ok, sounds like you had a rough night.

This is by far the kindest, most mature and best response on the thread. Completely get when you are so bone tired, seem to have had the joy sucked out of life, and then someone lashes out at you and cuts you to the quick - you lash back at them with whatever will hurt the most. Very few people havent said things theyve regretted in their lives. If I may, I would really recommend experiementing with yourself to know what works for you, when you're comfortable in your own bodys ability to hit the high notes, you can help him get you there. Take some private time and work on your pathways and likes, and spend the time trying to treat each other better...hopefully by the time youre ready to reconnect, it will be with positive feelings and a desire to be with each other. Lots of love xxxx Your sexuality is such a big part of your life, things can really turn around and improve by a factor af 1000%.

I think the comments about you being a liar for faking it are really harsh. Women are conditioned by porn to fake it, conditioned to stroke a guys ego, conditioned not to out their own needs first, conditioned to believe sex is all about men. Don’t blame women for then falling for that shit.

You are laughing off hurtful insults. You are lying about orgasm You are throwing out uncomfortable truths in anger. He is choosing to ignore you.

This is not a healthy relationship. Get counselling. It might or might not improve things but I doubt it will make it worse. .

I feel very sorry for you.
Do you want the relationship to survive?
Both of you will have to work very hard for that to happen.

Having young children during the past year has been so hard for so many.

Be kind to yourself and him (if he is usually a good partner).

You've faked orgasms for 7 years and let him believe that you were enjoying sex with him. So how the hell is he to know that you're not? You should have been truthful from the start and guided him towards what felt good for you.

You both sound awful.

This is why women should never ever fake orgasms, because once you lie it becomes harder and harder to tell the truth. You should not have lied for so many years, he’s probably in shock that you’d lie for so long. He sounds awful too the way he spoke before you lashed out at him. I’d say counselling would be a good start to fixing this, but if my DH lied for 7 years it would be over for me.

Karen? Really. I'm always surprised when someone uses this as an insult. In my age group everyone probably knows a person called Karen. So someone using this seems to be coming from a place of inexperience and laziness and an anger at a group of people just for existing.

If you want to insult people you could try to be inventive rather than suggesting because I was born at some point in the 1970s I, according to you, have no licence, I ought to remain silent in public settings, not express any disagreement. There are plenty of words to describe your attempt to be trendy. The main one, right now, is tedious. If you want to criticise an individual do that, don't sweep them into large groups and exhibit your rather ugly dislike of certain women just because you have made assumptions about their age.

Karen? Really. I'm always surprised when someone uses this as an insult. In my age group everyone probably knows a person called Karen. So someone using this seems to be coming from a place of inexperience and laziness and an anger at a group of people just for existing.

It grinds on me too, but unfortunately I'm not surprised. The idea that the sexist pejorative 'bitch' is any better is also laughable.

If people want to take issue with someone else's behaviour, that's fine. They can do this without resorting to childish name-calling (and will probably make a far more effective argument if they do). If the behaviour they're taking issue with is bullying, then all they're doing is making themselves as bad.

The 'bitch' insult is usually used about women or camp men, both of which says much. It's pure misogyny, and sometimes homophobia. The 'Karen' thing is a very unpleasant way of putting women back in their boxes. It specifically targets middle-aged women - the demographic usually called by this name - who are just reaching the age when they no longer give quite so much of a fuck about people-pleasing, and are willing to demand better for themselves. I suspect this is no coincidence.

@Naunet

I think the comments about you being a liar for faking it are really harsh. Women are conditioned by porn to fake it, conditioned to stroke a guys ego, conditioned not to out their own needs first, conditioned to believe sex is all about men. Don’t blame women for then falling for that shit.

This with bells on. I am really surprised that people are surprised that women fake it. Back in the 80s and 90s we understood why: women can take much longer to reach orgasm than men, not all men understand that, many men have a kind of determination to get the woman they're with to come and may keep asking if it's happened/if it's close. So obviously in some circumstances there is a lot of pressure to orgasm which makes it harder to orgasm and it's not hard to see how women get into a cycle of faking which then becomes very difficult to shift.

I mean I think most women who are in the habit of faking orgasm do it because they can't think of a way to explain why they "suddenly" need a lot more time and a different approach.

“Karen” is a woman-hating slur and has no place in decent society

I dont think it was so much that he was "doing what he thought I enjoyed so he kept doing it" it was more he just did whatever we always did and it got him off in the end so why change it. I really do know how sad this is. Even more sad that I used to be so much more interested in sex and intimacy with partners, I'm generally body confident in that I have no issues with my body shape or weight, etc. It's all just died a fucking death to be honest.

I am quite sure his comment was related to the post-children condition of my vagina. It was something about how there wouldn't be much pleasure to gain from it now anyway that you could barely call it a fanny and he gestured towards it or something. I don't remember exactly it was just thrown out there, which is why I reacted the way I did. I am glad I said what I said. It felt like I was speaking up for myself finally.

Alice: he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use.
..
I think he probably did mean that, Alice. Don't be self conscious about having a 'loose' vagina, most women go back to normal after giving birth and pelvic floor exercises help.

He probably thinks you only said you never had an orgasm just to fight back a bit.

The real issue here is are you no longer happy with your husband; has the relationship run its course? If so, what are you going to do about it?

I faked it for 5 years at the start of my relationship so I do understand how you can fall into that trap. In my case I was just far too embarrassed to say anything! In the end I got the courage to tell him the truth. He was very upset and hurt and felt humiliated. When I explained it was because I was too shy and embarrassed at the beginning to say anything, and then the longer I left it the worse it became, he was very understanding and wanted to know how to actually please me! Now we have the best sex ever and I wish I'd never lied in the first place. OP you need to tell him what you said last night was the truth, and you can either start a fresh both being honest, or split up and you can be honest with someone else about how to get you there. Dont lie and say you didn't mean it or you will be at square one. You have the opportunity to change things for the better now. So seize it! Men don't automatically know what works for each individual woman, we have to tell them. And you need to know exactly what he meant by the fanny comment so you can move forward. Not sure I could move forward with someone if they had made nasty comments about me after I'd given birth to two of their children, but like other posters say it maybe wasn't meant that way. Communicate!

Good luck, let us know how you get on x

I think that sex lives often go more into 'please the penis' mode after marriage and children, partly because men tend more to be focused on their own needs and partly because many women are so tired they just want to get it over with. I have to say that it has got better for me in my fifties now though. Same partner. We did end up tussling a bit over him feeling pressured and turned off by me being more directive, but some things changed. I don't think the op has been deceitful really. But both said hurtful things.

I think the main takeaway here is that your communication as a couple is VERY poor. You don't tell him the truth about your sex life; he can't communicate properly about his feelings about your sex life or lack thereof. When discussing someone else you pivot to an argument about your sex life and then trade cheap shots to try and hurt each other.

This is really, really bad communication on both sides. I'd suggest both of you need to look at individual or couples' counselling to work out why neither of you can be upfront about things and to work on some healthier mechanisms for discussing your relationship that immediately defaulting to saying the most hurtful thing you have in your arsenal.

something and than, for the sentences that don't make sense above...

Wow OP why didn't you mention it earlier it is hardly his fault if you've been faking it.
My OH would be devastated.