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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

189 replies

Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:34

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 30/03/2021 20:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SplendidSuns1000 · 30/03/2021 20:58

You definitely should've said something earlier but it's too late for that.

Have a proper sit down conversation with him and tell him to say anything he wants and you do the same. It'll be harsh and eye opening but you both are holding things in you shouldn't be. Either that or write it down and read each other's list while sat with him.

Work out a system to support each other better so you have more time and energy to be nice and intimate with each other.

FTEngineerM · 30/03/2021 21:01

Why would you do yourself out of orgasms?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/03/2021 21:04

Wow! That was a really unpleasant argument on both sides.

squiglet111 · 30/03/2021 21:05

Sorry, side question... But in 7 years have you never got on top and got your own orgasm?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 30/03/2021 21:07

If you bottle something major up for years I guess it's going to come out. I guess in the moment you're just overwhelmed by the fact that you've been denying yourself to spare his feelings for seven years and he just chucks that comment out without caring how hurtful it is.

He doesn't want it to be over, by the look of it. What do you want?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/03/2021 21:08

The only person you were letting down by faking orgasms was your self.
There fore its probably a good thing that has been cleared up. It could have been put in a nicer way but It came out in an argument and you don't pass flowers of blue kisses in an argument.

GreenSlide · 30/03/2021 21:12

Eek. I'd have taken his comment as the way he described it, that you're barely a sexual being anymore (not many of us are with young children on the scene!)
Maybe marriage counselling will help Thanks

Original poster
Alice818 · 30/03/2021 21:14

@CarterBeatsTheDevil that's it exactly. He's whining because my bits are a bit different after 7 years and two kids and I'm keeping quiet about something major to spare his feelings and avoid mutual embarrassment. I honestly thought if I brought it up, there would be no going back.

For those asking why I stayed in the relationship, I got pregnant quite soon after we got together but we both worked hard to get ourselves set up and just threw ourselves into family life. Maybe we skipped over the sexual discovery phase of the relationship a little. I don't know. I obviously know it's very sad and embarrassing.

OP posts:
Peachee · 30/03/2021 21:14

People are so judgemental on here.. you both got a bit stressed.. current climate doesn’t help with having to stay in with the same people all the time.. you got a few things off your chest.. find a way to move on. Me and DP are horrible to each other sometimes but we have a row argue it out and then move on.. doesn’t everyone?? Didn’t realise people on this forum were so perfect and never horrible or negative..

LibertyMole · 30/03/2021 21:16

I am shocked by the seven years of faking an orgasm.

Surely at some point you could have just said the old method was no longer working and explain what you do like? That way you could have stopped faking without admitting you ever did.

VenusTiger · 30/03/2021 21:18

@Alice818 when I read his 'comment' to you, I genuinely thought he meant 'you may as well not have a fanny down there' as in, you may as well not have one as you don't use it anymore - lack of sex - that's what I would've thought he meant - esp. as you go on to say he is complimentary of your body.
He 'needs' sex in order to feel loved, but you need love in order to want to have sex - I think this is an argument that has spiralled and because you thought he was criticising your body (he shouldn't be arguing about lack of sex though, he should talk about that), you lashed out to hurt him.
You both said something to hurt the other's feelings.
Have you talked it through properly since?

Umbivalent · 30/03/2021 21:19

he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former

I don't agree with you. Saying you "barely have a fanny any more" makes no sense if he means it's got larger/looser. It does make sense if he's saying you rarely want to have sex now.

You seem determined to disbelieve him, though. Which is ironic, given that you've been lying to him for seven years...

HelpfulBelle · 30/03/2021 21:20

Only 25% of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse, OP. Everyone else needs clitoral stimulation.

You need to teach your DH the basics of female anatomy.

warmandtoasty2day · 30/03/2021 21:20

[quote MrsNewms85]@Alice818 you're welcome lovely. Fingers crossed this a turning point and you both can start to feel better and communicate easier.

Ignore the rude, nasty and downright judgemental commenting Karen's. They aren't in your marriage, they don't know your life so have no right to judge.

All the best x [/quote]
the karen remark is pretty nasty in itself that makes YOU rude, nasty and judgemental in my book.

JasperTheHungry · 30/03/2021 21:21

This doesn’t have to be the end! If other things are okay, then you can come back from this (if you want to.)

Esther Perel is a great place to start

www.estherperel.com/couples-and-individuals

JasperTheHungry · 30/03/2021 21:22

Some people on MN think it’s so easy to break up a relationship and move on. It’s not.

StormcloakNord · 30/03/2021 21:23

@Alice818 I can empathise. For reasons that don't need going into I lost my virginity extremely young and was never really taught how to do things properly. I spent the entirety of my sexual experiences with men faking orgasms because I thought that's what you had to do.

I was with DH for a year before marrying him... this whole faking orgasms was so ingrained in my identity that it wasn't until I married him that I really realised I was lying to him.

Anyway, I told him I'd been faking it, we spoke about why. He was initially really hurt/had a bruised ego but he really took it in his stride and with a lot of work I'm now having the best sex I have ever had in my life. I never in a million years thought it was possible to have an orgasm with a man during sex but it's a regular occurrence now.

Hopefully your DH takes this opportunity to work towards both of you being sexually satisfied and not just him!

JasperTheHungry · 30/03/2021 21:23

That said, you can move on if you want to. You really can. And I totally understand faking orgasms to get it over with; 25 years in my case :(

MathildasMummy · 30/03/2021 21:23

I can't understand why some posters are asking the OP why she faked it.

It's well known that millions of women fake it , forever sometimes.

Reasons? They can't orgasm, or find it hard. They don't want to 'disappoint' their partner. They aren't that into sex anyway and don't care if they orgasm or not. They'd rather get an early night.

Some things in a relationship are more important than a 5 minute orgasm.

I've got lots of friends who either aren't having good sex or have settled for a friendship -type marriage.

They'v e put companionship, stability, kids etc before sex.

I'm not saying its right but it is how many marriages are.

Yeval · 30/03/2021 21:25

Woah, empathy bypass on this thread. Jesus. I think some of you need to open your minds just a tiny crack.

OP, I totally understand how couples can get to this point. We're very good at convincing ourselves that something is completely normal, even when it's making us unhappy. I agree with pp - you need to think about what you want, and then you need to talk to him.

Sending you love.

DaphneduWarrior · 30/03/2021 21:25

I'm honestly surprised by how many people are surprised that the OP faked orgasms. I had maybe 50 sexual partners before I turned 40, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I orgasmed with them (in total). I get it, OP - it's embarrassment and not wanting to hurt their feelings. You feel like there must be something wrong with you if you can't come.

And quite honestly, the lie is much, much easier than the conversation about why you can't come. I used to think - well, I can always get myself off when he goes to have a shower or whatever.

(When I turned 40, I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to put up with crap in relationships anymore, and that included lying about orgasms. I still don't come around half the time that I have sex with someone else, but I've stopped faking it)

Sorry to derail, OP. I don't know if there's a way back from this. What do you want to happen now?

MrsNewms85 · 30/03/2021 21:26

@warmandtoasty2day
Telling a woman you don't know that she is awful and her marriage is over, deserves much stronger words than being labelled a "Karen" but it'll do for now Smile

All the best x

MrsNewms85 · 30/03/2021 21:27

@Yeval

Woah, empathy bypass on this thread. Jesus. I think some of you need to open your minds just a tiny crack.

OP, I totally understand how couples can get to this point. We're very good at convincing ourselves that something is completely normal, even when it's making us unhappy. I agree with pp - you need to think about what you want, and then you need to talk to him.

Sending you love.

100% agree, massive lack of empathy. So glad there's more understanding and care.
JasperTheHungry · 30/03/2021 21:29

This thread is a classic example of “why would you have a different experience or do something different to me???”

Swipe left for the next trending thread