7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

[Alice818]

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP, I'll say it again. I don't think your DH was referring to the size/condition of your fanny. He was moaning about a lack of sex.

Although his comment wasnt great I really dont think he was implying your vagina is loose...that doesn't even make sense?? Hes basically saying you may as well not have one as you hardly have sex anyway. So not sure why you're accusing him of insulting your vagina. Also ..he must be really hurt after 7 years of faking.

Why have you lied to him for so long? He sounds a dickhead too btw.

@JasperTheHungry

This thread is a classic example of “why would you have a different experience or do something different to me???”

Yip, seems MN is full of this though ☹️ shame really as it's meant to be a support network not a place for judgemental judy's to get their shaming fix.

Also OP I do agree with PP's - I know it's annoying to hear when you're convinced you're right (I do this ) but it sounds like he was complaining of a lack of sex as opposed to anything stretching or getting looser (which I'm sure is barely noticeable?)

Tbh, from the description here it sounds far more likely to me that he meant what he said he meant, in which case your response was much more harsh.

What was his phrasing and what makes you think he was commenting on the state of your bits?

[quote MrsNewms85]@warmandtoasty2day
Telling a woman you don't know that she is awful and her marriage is over, deserves much stronger words than being labelled a "Karen" but it'll do for now

All the best x[/quote]
still disrespectful to women even so. some posters are being complete bitches it has to be said so just say it instead of the karen nonsense.

‘I can't understand why some posters are asking the OP why she faked it.

It's well known that millions of women fake it , forever sometimes.’

Is it well known? I knew people faked in one night stands or every now and then, but I had no idea it was common to do it for years and years every time.

I can see how this happened. OP did not want to say anything much, but they were compatible in all other areas and (presumably), he does make her feel loved. However, between kids, housework, tiredness and the fact it's a lot of effort for no return (for her), their sex life dwindled.

OP, on the basis that you do want to stay married and have a sex life, you need to have a think about the following;

1. When you do have an orgasm through masturbation, what actions/sensations turn you on? Could you teach those to your OP?
2. Have you ever tried a focus session, where he just focuses on you, until you come and then you do the same for him?
3. Have you explored sex toys, different positions accessories (e.g. food)?

Above all, have you ever actually had some time away from the kids where the purpose of the trip was to reconnect with each other? Sex, when you are not tired/stressed/worried about making a noise/thinking about the washing, is a million times better as a result.

Sit down, make a list of what turns you on and ask your partner to explore with you. What's the worst he can say? "Oh, more sex? No thanks".

My initial thought was also that he meant "wasting away through lack of use". Obviously still horrid, but not a patch on what you took it to mean, not an actual insult to your body.

Are you really, really sure he didn't mean what he immediately said he meant? You say he's always been complimentary about your body before. Has he ever said anything before that was undeniably insulting?

You know, technique can be learned. If you do both want to try and are prepared to make the effort, it really isn't impossible for him to learn how to please you.

I don't think this necessarily has to be the end if you both want to try.

OP, honestly I don’t think he meant what you think he meant, reading his comment I took it as what he explained it as because of lack of sex, at least everything is out in the open now. Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, do you not have vibrators/clitoral toys to use during sex? That may be a good starting point, start again building it up together, the both of you and communicate, if you don’t tell him what you like he won’t know.

@Umbivalent

he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former

I don't agree with you. Saying you "barely have a fanny any more" makes no sense if he means it's got larger/looser. It does make sense if he's saying you rarely want to have sex now.

You seem determined to disbelieve him, though. Which is ironic, given that you've been lying to him for seven years...

I agree.

Some hurtful things were said. This would not be something any husband would want to hear, but I'd also be very frustrated if I
hadn't climaxed in seven years. These things are hard to raise, so they fester and build up until the lid blows on the pressure cooker. And it's probably just as well it has. Some people who might not see this as too big a deal in a marriage but I would, and evidently, so do you.

This doesn't have to spell the end of a marriage but there are clearly problems with your sexual relationship and it could end up being a good thing (or by another token, a deal-breaker) that things have come to a head. You need to have a full and frank conversation, and couples and sex therapy if possible.

This is fixable - if you both want it to be fixed.

And I'd also suggest you ignore the PPs queuing up to tell you how awful you sound. You don't. It was a normal, human response.

I wouldn't have thought there was any coming back from this unless you're both willing to really start again, sexually.

@warmandtoasty2day To me, calling someone a bitch is far worse than calling them a Karen.

Oooff that was a blow up and a half. I'm sorry op, you must both be feeling very bruised today.

I agree with @Peachee and@Yeval. Distinct lack of empathy on this thread - some people, men and women, find communication about sex and what they like and dislike really hard and of course, once its easy to let something go...

I disagree that your marriage is over, as a pp said. From your posts, if you both want it to work, I absolutely think you can recover from this, but it will take work on both sides.

Honest work - now you've aired the elephants in the room, it's time to talk about them openly and kindly. He will be feeling pretty awful about your revelation and you clearly don't feel cherished or desired by him. These are both things equally deserving of healing and in order to move forward dismissiveness on either side must be avoided.

Marriage counselling might help if you think it may be difficult for you both to navigate your emotions and meet in the middle.

@LibertyMole

‘I can't understand why some posters are asking the OP why she faked it.

It's well known that millions of women fake it , forever sometimes.’

Is it well known? I knew people faked in one night stands or every now and then, but I had no idea it was common to do it for years and years every time.

Yes it is @LibertyMole

Some how MN is often full of women posting about their orgasms, but women who find it hard to achieve that tend to be patronised or made to feel useless if they don't.

I know friends who have been married for 30+ years and have never had an orgasm. I don't think they necessarily fake it, they just don't come and sex is not that important.

If they thought their partner was going to be upset, they might fake it.

The longer it goes on like this - as with any lie- the harder it is to be honest.

Has either of you apologised?

You had an ugly argument, but at least it's out now. It's better than spending another 7 years pretending.

If your relationship is otherwise solid you can resolve the issues around your sex life if you are willing to be honest and communicate. Can you find a time when you can sit down and talk about how you both feel without it descending into accusations?

You seem to be very self conscious about your body. Could that prevent you from relaxing and enjoying sex? Are you able to orgasm without your DH quite easily. Maybe when you manage to move past the hurt the argument has caused, you could guide your DH in a factual way so he can do things you like.

You were harsh, but so was he. However, I'm another who thinks it's actually possible that he was complaining about not enough sex rather than how your body has changed after childbirth. Either way, it wasn't something he should have said.

If you want things to improve, you'll have to be honest with him about what you want, and he'll have to open to suggestions and willing to learn and change.

If you never told him you weren't satisfied, it is rather unfair to throw it in his face that he wasn't satisfying you. How was he to know, if you didn't tell him? But he's hardly an angel, and at least now it's out in the open. There's no more pressure to hold it back and keep it a secret from him. If he's honest with himself, maybe it will help explain at least part of why you aren't as interested in sex as he is.

I don't think the shocking revelation that you haven't been having orgasms is necessarily the death of the relationship, but obviously this is just one problem out of probably many. If the other problems aren't insurmountable, you can work this out between you, with you guiding him in the right direction.

I fake it op, don't feel bad. I find it impossible to orgasm thru sex alone and can't climax thru oral. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy shagging tho, I love it. Sometimes I fake it, sometimes I'm honest and say I haven't cum. But it's quite normal, I haven't climaxed with a single partner I've ever had but I've enjoyed most of the sex. My current partner it's a cracking shag, I just can't climax and I'm ok with that, if I masterbate whilst he's inside me then it's mind blowing. Anyway, I digress, I think your dp meant it in the way that you aren't using your fanny rather than having a lose one. You've only had two children, it's a muscle with memory, it can't be that dire. You sound paranoid about the looseness tho.

Mathilda, I understand that many women can’t have an orgasm. I also understand that many couples don’t have sex.

It is just the faking element that is surprising.

From what he said it sounds much more like he meant what he said he meant. Your interpretation doesn't make sense.

I am on the fence with the faking of orgasms. Sometimes (most times) it does happen, and sometimes it just doesn't. But that's the same for us both - although it's obviously more noticeable if a man doesn't climax.
7 years is a long time, but if everything seems is generally good, the sex isn't the be all and end all, and there's ways and means to get your rocks off etc.
I do think you need to talk honestly to him though, and sooner rather than later.