7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

[Alice818]

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

I can see how it could be easy to get into the situation of 7 years faking it. Lots of women don't orgasm every time (or ever) from penetrative sex alone. The porn industry paints an unrealistic picture about female pleasure and it's often young women who feel like there's something wrong with them when they don't come during sex. Hence the faking. It should be talked about more and part of sex education. Female sexual pleasure can be complicated.

What he said about your vagina was pretty disgusting and outrageous especially if he was referring to its tightness/looseness... really horrible. But then what you responded with was... pretty extreme too given that it's true. Is the relationship worth saving? Would it be worth seeing a couples therapist together? As it sounds like you have a lot to work through.

This is not the way to argue and borders on pretty toxic tbh. I think you need to do some work on your relationship and communication. His comments were unacceptable, and you probably shouldn't have chosen this time to say what you did. Please know lots of women don't have orgasms through pv sex alone. Couples therapy sounds like a very good idea.

I think it’s really mean to bring something like that up after 7 years, especially in an argument. It was 100% on you to tell him this years and years ago, or decide you didn’t want to be with him, or if indeed if you decided orgasms weren’t worth the discussion, that’s on you and so unfair to now blurt this out, how did you expect him to know if you’ve been faking? His comments were obviously horrible too, but yours have essentially said- this whole time has been a lie, all those times you thought I found you attractive and was having a great time with you- that was all a lie.

When I read his comment my mind immediately read it how he said he meant it and not as your interpretation so seems likely he was telling the truth.

Tbh, if you've been faking orgasms for your entire relationship I have no sympathy for you. You've led him to believe the technique that he's been using brings you to orgasm, he can't fix an issue he doesn't know is there. If you'd been honest on even one occasion he could have tried something different or asked for your input on how to bring you to orgasm. You've not given him the chance to figure out how your body works because you've been pretending to orgasm when you haven't.

If you'd been honest at the start of your sexual relationship and he didn't try different things then that would be a different story. But as it stands, it's not his fault that you haven't orgasmed in 7 years. And in this situation, I think you've been very cruel.

@OneTC

Bleak

My thoughts too.

You were both awful. He was thoughtless with his comment (although to be honest I would have seen his comment in the way he says it was meant rather than the way you have chosen to take it).
In bringing something up like that in the way you did - a serious issue designed to wound him after you have failed to explain any issue and lied to him for 7 years - wow just wow.

You need to talk! Really talk and discuss how you're going to move forward.

It does sound like he was complaining about the lack of sex rather than you being 'looser' to be honest.
I also agree with PPs that it's very sad that you felt that you needed to fake orgasms for seven years.

You just can't ignore that these things were said or things might very well be trouble. I think you both need to have a calm conversation & acknowledge what's been said on both sides. Presumably you both want a fulfilling sex life, with young kids maybe you guys did need to schedule it... which is a bit grim but as I always think you never regret having sex much like you never regret going to the gym etc. I think on both sides there needs to be a willingness to work on the hurtful things that were said. You need to get to the bottom of the hurtful fanny comment. If it that your fanny is in bits as you say, you could always try going to a women's health physio & getting a pp MOT. This is standard practice in France for women as sometimes our vaginas need help to fully recover after childbirth. Understandably so! Pelvic floor exercises and advice might be all you need to gain confidence around your fanny again which is what you need and deserve. You wouldn't believe how quickly this issue can be improved with some advice, even by looking it up online and committing to the exercises, if you don't have the funds for a physio. It was beyond hurtful for him to imply this but it's been said now & my bet is it was more down to him feeling rejected over not having sex which is understandable with young kids but as I've always felt sex needs to happen for a relationship to be a happy one unless both of you are happy with there not being much sex. Personally I I believe the onus is on men & women to work on relationships and keeping sex going, it keeps you together & close & loving & kind and all of these attributes are important & interlinked. This being said it's easy to see why you can't be arsed if it's a one way street, except that your husband didn't know your sex life was so unfulfilling for so long. You 100% need to acknowledge faking orgasms was wrong especially telling him after 7yrs. This is really going to need honesty and frankness and for you to explain your hurtful comments. As you said you feel you guys missed out on the exploratory part of your relationship due to kids early on. Well if you both want to stay together it's never too late to to start this exploratory phase even if it's 7yrs on, once a week whatever works. Take control over your pleasure, buy a sex toy, experiment yourself as at what makes you orgasm and show him. Orgasms will only happen if you can really relax into it & the only way you'll do this if you both regain some honesty & fun & give time to proceedings. My bet is if it happens once the floodgates will open, and you'll both regain so much confidence and faith in your relationship. Have this conversation over a bottle of wine/date night type thing. You owe it to yourselves & your kids. You'll be so much happier in yourself if you can have a fulfilling sex life & feel part of a mature & honest relationship. Wishing you so much luck - this can be the start of a new positive chapter if you address the hard shit & acknowledge you want more which is what you both deserve. Don't bury your heads in the sand. I dread to think how miserable you'd both be if you do. Good luck!

It is just the faking element that is surprising.

Why surprising?

Women are conditioned to mind other people's feelings and put themselves second. This is what it leads to.

The OP is being hauled over the coals even on this thread because she has possibly hurt a man's feelings.

You have both said unpleasant, hurtful & cruel (even if true) things about each other. 7 years is a long time to pretend to someone. You will have to revisit that conversation to get past remarks like those. Unless your relationship is just deteriorating into throwing insults... in which case it is worse again. I hope it can be fixed...if you want it to...

If the lack of am orgasm was a problem for you (would be for most people) you should have said so seven years ago. Instead you faked it and made him think he was doing what was needed for you to cum. How the hell was he ever going to do it when you made him think doing X was right? Where was the incentive for him to try Y?

You both sound horrible for each other.

Bloody hell. Those are harsh words. I've never faked so can't comment but that is bad!

I'd feel so betrayed by this the marriage would be over if I was him. I'm not said what he said was right but to be honest, given you cannot have true sexual or emotional intimacy (need to lie about your preferences and experiences) I'm guessing he's had 7 years of feeling quite unfulfilled himself, which is bound to lead to resentment on both sides.

How the hell was he ever going to do it when you made him think doing X was right? Where was the incentive for him to try Y?

Are you saying the man did the same old same old for seven years and is right to wonder why his wife isn't really into sex?

This man has a partner who clearly isn't into sex right now and it hasn't occurred to him that the reason could be that he's not that hot in the sack?

he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened
And he's not that hot a communicator either.

I can understand the. 7 years, OP. The longer it goes on, the harder it gets to speak up.

But it's out there now, so you need to turn it into a healthy thing rather than letting you and your DH drop it, and it going back to a thing never spoken of.

Yes it'll be a difficult and awkward conversation. But it could become a great turning point for you both. You didn't tell him the truth at the start because you lack self confidence and just always want to make everyone else happy (I'm the same way!) But you need to dig deep and find the confidence now to be honest about everything, even if it means your DH will be hurt in the process. To me, the fact that your DH was shocked and then being nice the next day is actually a good sign- far better than if he'd reacted with anger and sulkiness or resentment! There's something to work with there, I'm sure.

And I agree with other PPs, I think he was telling the truth about what he meant by his comment. Still a really unfair thing to say but not at all on the level of what you worried he meant.

Have a calm and kind chat with him, OP. Hope things head in a better direction

Oh come off it, for 7 years the husband has paid so little attention to her during sex that he's never noticed she's faking it. It's pretty obvious when it's a real one. He just doesn't care enough to make sure she is satisfied.

How would it be obvious to him when he’s never seen her real orgasm? I’d have also taken his comment in the way he intended and think you reacted very vindictively. Never mentioned it for the previous 7 years but as soon as you can hurt him with it, no problem saying it.

I am saddened that you chose to wait seven years before telling him, and did not feel able to communicate his uselessness in bed before now. I would not assume he knows the difference if he has never had a woman orgasm when he has had sex with them.

It will need a discussion which will not be easy.

I think you both need to have a totally and brutally honest conversation. Forget sparing feelings. You both need to say everything you are feeling and for both of you to really listen without getting on the defensive.

But that can only happen if that's what you both really want.

Although I didnt fake it I kinda understand the dilemma really. Men seem to need sex in order to feel wanted/loved. But with women it starts with your brain not your body. I cant speak for all women but I can't go from nothing to having sex just through physical attempts to do so. I require mental stimulation and to be treated like an actual person first.

And I kinda get the faking tbh. Nothing worst than wheb the guy comes first and fairly quickly so you don't get much out if it and they wonder why you can't be arsed and then when they think they are doing the right thing by "working " on your frankly there's nothing worse than feeling like a zoo animal in am exhibit, all eyes on you like you are some kinda performing seal.. its easier to pretend you don't care you didn't get anywhere or fake it.

Befire you do anything though, you have to determine if u even want to. Mot sure I could be bothered tbh

But I'm newly single and past pandering to fragile egos so I'm.not really the best person to ask

And yy to him knowing. They can tell. They act hurt but I expect they are grateful for the "out" tbh

I'll never understand a women's motivation for faking it. Only you lose out. Is it to protect the man's ego? Or to finish up asap...in which case, why bother even doing it in the first place, unless you're being coerced and that's another issue entirely.
Further, women who blame their partner for not GIVING them an orgasm. Take some initiative & change positions etc to find what works for you. (Not that this is necessarily the case for the OP).
OP, I also think he's complaining about the lack of sex. Maybe this is a chance for a fresh start for you both to get what you want. Unless what you want is not to have sex and in that case you should leave him.

I don’t think he meant you’re looser at all, I’d take it to mean you barely have sex if someone said that to me so I think you’re being a bit paranoid there. Why do you fake orgasms? I’ve never understood that. He’s thought he has pleasured you for 7 years but he hasn’t, of course it came as a shock to him.

The whole exchange was pretty vile, I’d say you have deeper issues than your sex life.

Having an orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex. Ive never had one with a man( only solo) but i have a great sex life and love it regardless. I am maybe deprived but dp does all the best things and we have a fantastic spark. Anatomically./ psychologically..i just cant.