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Original poster

7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

189 replies

Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:34

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP posts:
DaphneDuBois · 31/03/2021 17:08

If he really did mean it the way that you believe he said it - as an intentional criticism of your post-baby vagina - then I don’t blame you for a second for lashing back at him. In fact, I’d say it pretty much serves him right because if he will say stuff to make you feel like shit then perhaps taking a spoonful of it himself is the way to show him how hurtful it is.

The problem is, where do you now go from here? You’ve hurt each other so much that even saying sorry isn’t really going to take the sting out of it. Can you get over what he said? Do you think he can get over knowing he’s not satisfied you for years?

Butwasitherdriveway · 31/03/2021 17:11

You both sound awful. Just end it.

mathanxiety · 31/03/2021 17:19

I dont think it was so much that he was "doing what he thought I enjoyed so he kept doing it" it was more he just did whatever we always did and it got him off in the end so why change it.

Tbh, that all sounds quite businesslike and not much fun.

Do men really assume the woman is having a good time, through several pregnancies and childbirth and recovery? This one seemingly never suggested anything new or tried something unusual.

YellowPurple · 31/03/2021 17:20

This is not good

How have you faked for 7 years, christ!!!

mathanxiety · 31/03/2021 17:29

I am not at all surprised at the number of posters here suggesting the husband's feelings now need to be massaged by the OP.

Clearly, some of you think a man's feelings about his performance in bed might be pretty fragile. I can't imagine why a woman might decide to just lie back and think of England.
Hmm

Whatwouldscullydo · 31/03/2021 17:41

Clearly, some of you think a man's feelings about his performance in bed might be pretty fragile. I can't imagine why a woman might decide to just lie back and think of England

The only reason to be angry , and upset would be because you knew the whole time and are trying to direct the focus and blame onto someone else. I mean usually surely people try new things, talk abiut if they like stuff I mean u can always tell if there a connection there's certain things you cant fake. And plenty if stuff anyone witg half a brain who didn't just watch porn , would know would he painful or do nothing for the partner. I'd be interested in seeing if the ones who get upset and angry, are also the same ones who pound away for a few mins til they get off, or shove it in after 2 mins and don't bother with the foreplay that much....

Butwasitherdriveway · 31/03/2021 17:48

@mathanxiety

I am not at all surprised at the number of posters here suggesting the husband's feelings now need to be massaged by the OP.

Clearly, some of you think a man's feelings about his performance in bed might be pretty fragile. I can't imagine why a woman might decide to just lie back and think of England.
Hmm

Ah okay. So yet again it's okay to insult a man sexually bit not a woman. Shock.
VexedofVirginiaWater · 31/03/2021 18:15

Do you think he might be telling himself you didn't mean it and only said it in retaliation in the heat of the moment?

billy1966 · 31/03/2021 18:37

@Alice818

I am quite sure his comment was related to the post-children condition of my vagina. It was something about how there wouldn't be much pleasure to gain from it now anyway that you could barely call it a fanny and he gestured towards it or something. I don't remember exactly it was just thrown out there, which is why I reacted the way I did. I am glad I said what I said. It felt like I was speaking up for myself finally.
After that update he sounds absolutely disgusting and I'm glad you feel the better of saying what you did.

However, where does it leave you?
Not in a great place does it long term.
I think you need to think about you and what you want.

You need support, please reach out for it.
Flowers

Wearywithteens · 31/03/2021 18:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

KnightKnurse · 31/03/2021 22:28

Seems like you’re both being very horrible to each other? You should really think about that, it’s not normal in a good relationship.

On a practical level, have you every had an orgasm OP? If you not, it’s a bit much to expect someone else to figure it out for you. If so google “primary anorgasmia” , very successfully addressed these days. Speak with your GP.

Must be awful to be having sex with someone that never cums, male or female.

ITSADOGSLIFE21 · 31/03/2021 22:36

Wow. You are cruel. Faking an orgasm is one thing but telling him you've faked the last 7 years is a new low.

HeartOfClass · 31/03/2021 22:46

Op, if you’ve never had an orgasm read this thread, some very good advice on this recent thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4171327-To-Have-Never-Orgasmed?msgid=105569385

HelloILoveYou · 31/03/2021 23:22

I’m not sure which is worse, faking for 7 years or not having an orgasm for 7 years. My be sooo strange

HelloILoveYou · 31/03/2021 23:23

Must be sooo strange for you both in bed. Not much fun I expect :(

AramintaLee · 01/04/2021 00:06

Honestly, I agree with PPs who said his comment was relating to the lack of sex and not how loose you might be. I imagine it's a bit of an insecurity for you and so you've decided that's what he meant to feed your insecurity and to make you feel like crap. Either way, it wasn't a nice comment and a grown man calling it a "fanny" would give me immediate ick for life.

I'm not against the concept of faking orgasms but ONLY if you don't mind not having them and you never tell your partner. I used to have a boyfriend who thought me having an orgasm equated to his performance and he was so insecure about it. He didn't understand the PIV orgasms aren't common. So I faked it every time. He's continued through life not feeling unnecessarily insecure (the sex was good after all) and I didn't really care that I didn't orgasm.

I think the tricky thing is, once the cat is out of the bag, it's very hard to put it back in. I think marriage counselling or some form of mediation might be a good idea.

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 00:20

@ITSADOGSLIFE21

Wow. You are cruel. Faking an orgasm is one thing but telling him you've faked the last 7 years is a new low.
It's a weapon.

The point is, does it bother the op not to orgasm. Plenty enjoy sex without it.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2021 04:17

Ah okay.
So yet again it's okay to insult a man sexually bit not a woman. Shock.

So when should the man be 'insulted'?
The first time? The tenth time? After seven years?

Do you forgo your right to tell him he is boring and ineffective in bed if you don't tell him the first time?

The man's feelings in this must be placed front and centre, it seems.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2021 04:19

@Butwasitherdriveway

If a woman is to tell a man she hasn't orgasmed, how should she approach the topic?

garlicbread82 · 01/04/2021 04:19

Dear oh dear. His comment is awful - but 7 years!? You deserve a BAFTA (or at least a British Soap Award lol) Wink

WordOfTheDay · 01/04/2021 09:21

I’m surprised that so many posters are surprised about this. Faking orgasms, even long term, is known to be quite a run of the mill phenomenon. It’s not a good plan, but totally understandable and definitely happens. As the OP has told us, he is no good in bed, but the father if her child(ren), so she has ended up accepting he is and always will be rubbish in bed, and faking an orgasm to get things over and done with. I’m also rolling my eyes at the poster whose reply was more or less: no orgasm during sex? Why don’t you just get on top? Problem solved, you silly billy!

My long-term partner is no-good in bed. Early on I faked orgasms. I then talked about not reaching orgasm and tried to teach him what felt good for me, but he was hopeless at doing those things. I then just quietly dropped the subject (as he was hopeless) but didn’t bother faking an orgasm and just had sex with him without orgasm. Later, he stopped wanting to have sex (probably age-related) and we are living happily ever without sex. Both happy with that.

Obviously, I can’t speak for the OP, but I imagine that in the early days at least, they will have had sex in all kinds of positions and she will have made suggestions/given feedback, but the sex was never good and so the OP just faked it to keep her partner enthusiastic (in the hope of better the next time), to reward him for his efforts or, as she herself says, just to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible (knowing that he is rubbish in bed and that that was never going to change as she had already tried and failed to “teach” him to do better, but that he was the father if her child(ren), she loved him and so wanted to stay with him.

Iggly · 01/04/2021 09:24

I don’t know a single female in my entire life who has been ‘conditioned’ like this. Women have had sexual liberation since the invention of the pill in the 60s. If women are faking orgasms and putting up with shit sex from selfish men then they’ve only got themselves to blame

Don’t be so sure of yourself.

WordOfTheDay · 01/04/2021 09:35

@Alice818

I am quite sure his comment was related to the post-children condition of my vagina. It was something about how there wouldn't be much pleasure to gain from it now anyway that you could barely call it a fanny and he gestured towards it or something. I don't remember exactly it was just thrown out there, which is why I reacted the way I did. I am glad I said what I said. It felt like I was speaking up for myself finally.
I’m sorry that your sex life has turned out to be bad long term.

Congratulations for “speaking up for [your]self finally”. Good for you @Alice818!!!

Babdoc · 01/04/2021 09:46

OP, neither of you can “unsay” what has been said. But what you do next is crucial for your marriage:
You can let this fester, and live in simmering resentment.
Or you can get divorced.
Or.... you could use it as a wake up call, and explore the issues, clear the air and work together to improve your sex life. Agree that you have both been hurtful, put it behind you, and start being positive.
Teach DH the technique you use when masturbating to give yourself an orgasm. Give him a simple anatomy lesson, pointing out the location of the clitoris.
Spend time exploring and stroking each other’s bodies without having sex, to find out what you each like, where your erogenous zones are - they are not all obvious, and can include places like the side of the neck, for example. Knowing there is no pressure to perform, you can both be more relaxed and rediscover your enjoyment of each other, rebuilding the affection you obviously once felt.
I hope you can both move on, to have a happy and fulfilling life together.

offmycloud · 01/04/2021 10:40

Not clear to me if OP ever had an orgasm or not? Assuming that you have/can (and I see post above on primary anorgasmia that I'll read soon!) then my advice is:

  • show him EXACTLY what how to do it. I'd consider it a tutorial!! Give a demo of what you like and what works for you. That's what I've done. DH REALLY enjoys watching too :) Then he just follows that.