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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

189 replies

Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:34

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP posts:

Phineyj · 01/04/2021 12:42

Wordoftheday as someone in a similar position, thank you for acknowledging that you can't always "train" a partner out of a lack of skill in this area.

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 12:57

Alice818

I am quite sure his comment was related to the post-children condition of my vagina. It was something about how there wouldn't be much pleasure to gain from it now anyway that you could barely call it a fanny and he gestured towards it or something. I don't remember exactly it was just thrown out there, which is why I reacted the way I did. I am glad I said what I said. It felt like I was speaking up for myself finally.
......
Why is your 'fanny' so different to how it was before children? People have more than two kids and theirs is alright. I think you are being too self conscious about something which is probably no problem at all.

I think he meant that it has 'closed up/grown cobwebs' through lack of use.

However there is more to your unhappiness and arguments than this.

WordOfTheDay · 01/04/2021 23:43

@Phineyj 👋🏻

May17th · 01/04/2021 23:50

You was right to call your DP out straight away. Things get so heated when people argue I don’t think you will know what his comment meant either way unless he is usually crude I wouldn’t dwell on it.

The issue now is he now has taken what you said about not orgasming with a pinch of salt.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2021 23:51

show him EXACTLY what how to do it.

You can lead a horse to water and all that, but how many times would a man be expected to deal with the crushing disappointment of getting it wrong?

Just asking...

Emeraldshamrock · 01/04/2021 23:51

You was right to call your DP out straight away. 7 years later is not straight away.

Erkrie · 01/04/2021 23:53

OhWhyNot · 01/04/2021 23:53

Oh dear

I faked it with an ex for a few years I just couldn’t get there and I cared about him. I can see how this easily happens it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy sex I just never orgasmed with him

From many chats with other women I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t (of course on MN this isn’t the case)

I think you can’t if you really both love each other work through this

Jamboree01 · 02/04/2021 00:00

People have arguments in the most normal of times. We aren’t in normal of times. What he said to you was very hurtful. You fired back. It’s human. I don’t agree with the judgemental comments. ‘I can’t imagine that ever happening to me’ is not a helpful comment.

It does sound like you need to sit down and have an honest talk about how you are both feeling if you want to save the marriage.

You have to be honest with yourself first- do you still want to be in the marriage? Do you still love him? Do you still find him attractive? Do you still want to have sex with him?

Jamboree01 · 02/04/2021 00:04

Letting things ‘go back to normal’ will only help things fester and resentments will continue to grow until these type of arguments become a cycle (argue, ignore the problem, carry on... and repeat) or until it really blows up.

There’s no point in a marriage, or sex, if you can’t communicate with each other openly and honestly.

powershowerforanhour · 02/04/2021 00:10

immediately defaulting to saying the most hurtful thing you have in your arsenal.

I wouldn't say 7 years is immediate, really.

Jamboree01 · 02/04/2021 00:26

@powershowerforanhour

immediately defaulting to saying the most hurtful thing you have in your arsenal.

I wouldn't say 7 years is immediate, really.

It was immediate in the context of the argument. He didn’t complain about her ‘fanny’ 7 years ago

powershowerforanhour · 02/04/2021 00:44

He is generally very complimentary of me and my body. This is the first time he has commented on anything related to my post baby body in a negative way

There you go, he doesn't reach for the barbs normally and neither does OP. I don't necessarily think the relationship is a dead loss.

OhWhyNot · 02/04/2021 00:53

I meant to type you can work through this if you both want to

MrsOmelette · 02/04/2021 06:16

I was with my exH for a decade and never once orgasmed with him, I never faked - always said honestly that I really enjoyed sex anyway and it was just how I am. I’d not orgasmed with any man, even been told I was frigid previously. (Charming hey.)
I was honest with my now husband from beginning but v soon felt completely safe, accepted and cherished by him and was gobsmacked when I starting orgasming pretty regularly.
I feel you ‘may’ have taken him the wrong way due to your own insecurities, but the elephant in the room is the actual lying over and over again. I don’t know how a relationship overcomes that tbh, whatever reasons/excuses you have. I’d be so hurt if I was him, and doubt everything you’ve ever said/say as I would now know you lie baldly. You need to talk.

Summersun12 · 02/04/2021 08:02

The vagina comment i agree with how you understood it, i would have thought the same. After vaginal births theres often tears, cuts, stitches, prolapyses.

Saying it because its under used with sex doesnt make any sense. Our vaginas dont slowly disintergrate because we're not having sex!!!!

AyyMacarena · 02/04/2021 08:10

Missing the point here but I would take his comment to mean that you've "closed up" due to lack of use. You wouldn't "barely have a Fanny" if it was massive. You'd be "all Fanny".

I've never said the word Fanny so much! 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need to talk to him. You can't carry on like this. What he's said is unreasonable but if you open communication you could improve your relationship and get the orgasms you need. Or you'll see he's a dick and leave. Win/win.

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 08:13

When I read the Danny comment I got the impression that he meant you've stuck up shop rather than it being loose.

May17th · 02/04/2021 08:18

@Emeraldshamrock

You was right to call your DP out straight away. 7 years later is not straight away.

What I meant was about the fanny comment! I’m glad OP stuck up for herself to be honest I don’t think he meant it in a crude way that it was due to labour.... he could of meant because they haven’t had much sex.

Honestly which woman’s vagina is tighter after childbirth? I laugh when there’s a select few who believe this.

CareBear50 · 02/04/2021 08:19

This could be a really positive turning point in your relationship. Both of you have been honest but in a very hurtful way. That might be hard to get over, but it is possible.

If you genuinely love each other, and things in your relationship are genuinely fine, this is a good opportunity to lay your cards on the table.

If your pelvic floor is less tight than it used to be.....talk to your GP and see a physio who is trained in this area. I did that after my two children and it helped a lot.

Talk to your husband about your lack of orgasm and see if you can both figure out how he can make sex more enjoyable for you.

Good luck! With honesty,kindness and willingness this awful conversation could be a blessing in disguise

offmycloud · 02/04/2021 08:23

@mathanxiety, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink, but there's a higher probability of success if you get them there.

Demo, training, practice are all important parts of skills acquisition....not everything works out, but it's why tutorials and lab sessions are an important part of the education system. Of course some people will fail, that's life.

WhoWasDat · 02/04/2021 11:43

@offmycloud, Being trained and shown how to do things makes a lot of sense. Part of learning is also exploring, it's why DM techniques are so successful for dealing with primary anorgasmia as mentioned above.

OP, your DH sounds awful!! Maybe he can't be bother to learn?

Nothing as good as cumming with my DH for me :)

Itsbehindme · 02/04/2021 11:52

op said "7 years and no orgasm". Wow!! That must be awful for you both. I don't need to get there every time, but it must be really crap to be with a partner where you don't finish (or your partner doesn't).

I've seen posts from female perspective where we complain when/if their partner can't ejaculate. It must be same from the male side?? Of course we can fake it, but it must be awful for the man to be in a long term relationship where the woman can't orgasm. Something major missing...

Whatwouldscullydo · 02/04/2021 11:54

OP, your DH sounds awful!! Maybe he can't be bother to learn?

This is why I don't understand why everyone's giving him the benefit of the doubt. Unless he has never slept with anyone else prior to op and unless no women he's ever been with has ever got there with him you can just tell. He knows. Of course he knows . If he cared he'd have done something about it the first time he suspected she faked it. The fact its all op and her "defective vaginas" fault speaks volumes.

I mean if it was really any good you'd do it more often. Y does it never occur to the man that the reason no one wants to sleep with them more often than an occasional "maintenence shag" is them. Something has to be wrong with the womans body...

Hont1986 · 02/04/2021 12:36

I've seen posts from female perspective where we complain when/if their partner can't ejaculate.

Exactly. If a man can't come, the comments are full of "has he booked an appointment with his GP?", there's never this sense that his partner is failing somehow.

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