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AIBU?

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Original poster

7 years and no orgasm. I told him.

189 replies

Alice818 · 30/03/2021 20:34

We are together over 7 years. Have DC together. Things are probably generally strained at the moment due to everything going on. I've been home with our young children for almost 2 years and I'm losing the plot altogether.
Anyway, last night we got into an argument over something trivial and it spiralled. The subject matter somehow moved to arguing about our (lack of) sex life, and he said something to the tune of "yeah you barely even have a fucking fanny down there anymore". I took this to mean that he feels, after two vaginal births, that I've become a bit looser. That is true, obviously things are different down there now. I immediately called him out on his comments and he insists he meant (in a non-serious way) that my vagina has probably closed up due to lack of use. I am absolutely sure he meant the former.
I laughed it off and told him he has never given me an orgasm, that every single one for the entire 7 years has been fake and it works out fine for me because it gets the bloody thing over with faster. Unfortunately for me, this is actually the truth.

He was in absolute shock. So much so that he's decided it's far easier to just revert back to being my best pal this morning and pretend the argument never happened rather than addressing the fact that he is far from the Sex God he believes himself to be. Was I too harsh?

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 02/04/2021 12:40

Cos often part of the problem is the whole porn thing. Death grip situation.

Often with women on here at least it's a result of partners crap at or unwilling to engage on foreplay. And a complete imbalance with household tasks and childcare leading to the mental blockages.

Entirely different circumstances surround the issues

Jayne35 · 02/04/2021 12:41

He has probably dropped it because he is a bit hurt, as you were about his comments. Faking is quite bad, one night stand fine but not a serious relationship. I would be gutted if a partner had been doing that and I wouldn’t want to bother with sex again. The time to have mentioned what does it for you would have been a few days or weeks in.

ICGPGP · 02/04/2021 14:03

@Hont1986, (speaking as a GP) ... you said ... If a man can't come, the comments are full of "has he booked an appointment with his GP?" ... In general I'd say if that persists for a male then it really does make sense to check with your GP if you are unsure as to why that is happening. There are well known issues with ADs, but apart from those, it would be important to get it checked out (even apart from all the relationship aspects).

Of course for a woman, if you can do it yourself OK, or if your partner is not doing the right thing, yuo are on ADs/medicine, ...etc... You know the reasons why.

But apart from those reasons I'd give the same for women, if you can't have an orgasm, that is really not normal. I'd recommend to your GP at your next visit.

ICGPGP · 02/04/2021 14:03

Typo, I'd recommend to discuss with your GP at your next visit.

Hont1986 · 02/04/2021 20:21

Definitely. If this woman couldn't come for 7 years, that's a 'her' problem.

LoadsOfTrouble · 02/04/2021 23:08

A lot of judging in the early pages here. Faking an orgasm isn't the same as bare-faced lying. I've never intentionally faked an orgasm, being a shit actress, but I've been in a situation where the bloke came and thought I had too when I hadn't, and I didn't immediately correct the impression. So was that faking?

It's easy to 'give the impression' and people fall into patterns. OP's husband could have asked, too.

So OP don't be too hard on yourself. Here's hoping you can both come back from this and move on.

backtothefuture · 03/04/2021 01:09

Really terrible comments from your DH :(

But if you're not having an orgasm in 7 years
... That's really your problem. You need to take that into your own hands (no pun intended).

It's still an issue whether you stay with your DH or move on. Awful situation, wish you the best!

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 01:50

@Yeval

Woah, empathy bypass on this thread. Jesus. I think some of you need to open your minds just a tiny crack.

OP, I totally understand how couples can get to this point. We're very good at convincing ourselves that something is completely normal, even when it's making us unhappy. I agree with pp - you need to think about what you want, and then you need to talk to him.

Sending you love.

I said something similar in my first response to the OP at the beginning of this thread and I fully agree with this poster.

There is more to this than orgasms. And I don’t imagine that the OP needs the harsh running commentary that has been gleefully provided.

Again my advice is to think about how you feel about him emotionally/ physically. If you can’t have a conversation with someone then you’re probably not going to have an orgasm when having sex with them.

Wishing you the best OP and hope this is a good turning point for you either way.

chunkymonkey101 · 03/04/2021 05:18

If you both want your marriage to work then it's not too late. Do you know what works for you? If you don't then you need to spend some time discovering what makes you come and then show him. For most of us this happens early on in the relationship but you can still teach him by guiding him.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2021 05:39

I mean if it was really any good you'd do it more often. Y does it never occur to the man that the reason no one wants to sleep with them more often than an occasional "maintenence shag" is them. Something has to be wrong with the womans body...

This ^^

mathanxiety · 03/04/2021 05:40

Demo, training, practice are all important parts of skills acquisition....not everything works out, but it's why tutorials and lab sessions are an important part of the education system. Of course some people will fail, that's life.

That all sounds very, very sterile.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:45

@chunkymonkey101

If you both want your marriage to work then it's not too late. Do you know what works for you? If you don't then you need to spend some time discovering what makes you come and then show him. For most of us this happens early on in the relationship but you can still teach him by guiding him.
They probably need to have a conversation first as that’s what seems to be lacking. She’s tired and so is he. They need to make a bit of time for each other.
chunkymonkey101 · 03/04/2021 06:40

I think you're right. It has to start with a conversation, it will be difficult in a longterm relationship if it's never happened before

akitamiss · 03/04/2021 14:49

Wow! Faking for 7 years. That would be a surprise for anyone I'd expect (not at all excusing the terrible things your DH said).

If you've never had one, then it's worthwhile to read this post www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4171327-To-Have-Never-Orgasmed?msgid=105569385#105569385

That was me when I was younger. Not any more though :)

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