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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reporting your son

510 replies

Aqua55 · 30/03/2021 12:44

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 12:47

Interesting question, OP. I don't have sons myself so can't answer, but I am interested to hear what others have to say on this.

I certainly hope that I would report a son if I had one. In the long run, I would think it would be better to nip this behaviour in the bud rather than allowing it to escalate.

Liverbird77 · 30/03/2021 12:51

I have a son and I would. I also have a daughter and I'd hope someone would do it if she was affected.

Reinventinganna · 30/03/2021 12:55

Absolutely I would! I have boys and girls.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 30/03/2021 13:03

I would. I have two sons and if they ever did something like this they wouldn’t be people I would want to know. It would be hard to move past something like that. My boys are both under five so it’s not something I’ve had to think about but as they grow up I hope I can instil enough morals in them and urge them to respect others enough to ever find themselves in that situation.

cookiecreampie · 30/03/2021 13:03

If I knew for certain, yes I would and I would tell my son that I was going to. If it was a something that I wasn't sure about I wouldn't report to the police but I would ask my son about it and then judge. Although every rape allegation should be taken seriously, some people do lie and I wouldn't automatically take the word of a stranger over the son that I know without hearing his side.

CloudFormations · 30/03/2021 13:04

Yes, I think I would. Unbearable though the thought is, I would have to be part of the solution not the problem.

I see it as my job to raise my son to be the kind of man who would never be a threat to women, so hopefully the dilemma will never arise!

Brogues · 30/03/2021 13:11

I guess unless any of us were in such a position we couldn’t say what we’d do. Can I come at this from another angle though? What about the poor young girls who have decided not to do anything further about the assault (for worry if not being believed, ambiguity about consent, physical examination, vanishingly little chance of prosecution anyway) would they have to give statements etc?

Ncforthistoday · 30/03/2021 13:13

Checking name has changed...

User57327259 · 30/03/2021 13:15

It is not just about reporting your son, we are also dependant on the police taking it further.

I know of too many cases which the police took no further. That is only the people I actually know, I am sure there are plenty more people who also experienced similar from police.

Not sure I would go to the police again if any sexual assault case were to happen to any of my family and friends

Ncforthistoday · 30/03/2021 13:17

I reported one of my dc knowing I would /could never see them again. It has been 10 years now and haunts me still. If they had died at least I could have publicly grieved.. They are never mentioned. It's like they never even existed.. I had to filter out all the family photos and remove every one they were in. On their birthday I allow myself a moment to cry.

Nothing and nobody can prepare you for this happening to you as a dm...

AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 13:18

Can I come at this from another angle though? What about the poor young girls who have decided not to do anything further about the assault (for worry if not being believed, ambiguity about consent, physical examination, vanishingly little chance of prosecution anyway) would they have to give statements etc?

Yes, fair point @Brogues. I have been that young girl and chose not to pursue it.Sad

waterlego · 30/03/2021 13:20

@Ncforthistoday

I’m so sorry; I can’t imagine how awful that must feel and how much it has impacted the whole family.

AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 13:21

@Ncforthistoday, I'm so very sorry.Flowers You absolutely did the right thing, and it must have taken a huge amount of courage and integrity to do so, but I'm sure you probably second guess your decision regularly. This is truly a worst nightmare scenario for parents. Thank you for doing what you did, and I hope you are able to make peace with your decision.

Plumbear2 · 30/03/2021 13:21

I think a more appropriate question be be son or daughter. As a parent to a 12 year old boy I'm becoming increasingly sickened that the media is portraying boys as sexual predators 😠 before they have even started in life.

GoWalkabout · 30/03/2021 13:21

Yes, because they would probably get an intervention for harmful sexual behaviour and I think that would be a helpful outcome to an awful situation. Easy to say though because I don't have boys.

nanbread · 30/03/2021 13:21

@Ncforthistoday

I reported one of my dc knowing I would /could never see them again. It has been 10 years now and haunts me still. If they had died at least I could have publicly grieved.. They are never mentioned. It's like they never even existed.. I had to filter out all the family photos and remove every one they were in. On their birthday I allow myself a moment to cry.

Nothing and nobody can prepare you for this happening to you as a dm...

Sorry you went through that.

Can I ask why you filtered them out / pretend why they didn't exist and never saw them again? Is it because it was their victim was a family member?

Ncforthistoday · 30/03/2021 13:22

Sadly no second guessing and no regrets. The victim was also one of my dc....
No peace though.
Sad

MintyMabel · 30/03/2021 13:22

I would first encourage them to hand themselves in. If they refused, I’d report them myself.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 30/03/2021 13:22

This is an interesting point of view I’d not considered. I wonder if as a parent you could look at other ways for making your son then make amends not involving the other party. Not sure what that would look like though.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 30/03/2021 13:23

@Ncforthistoday that sounds so awful for you 😔

nanbread · 30/03/2021 13:24

@Plumbear2

I think a more appropriate question be be son or daughter. As a parent to a 12 year old boy I'm becoming increasingly sickened that the media is portraying boys as sexual predators 😠 before they have even started in life.
Agreed and I also wonder how many people who have said yes I would report have children who are white, straight, not on the poverty line, without significant disabilities etc.
nanbread · 30/03/2021 13:25

@Ncforthistoday

Sadly no second guessing and no regrets. The victim was also one of my dc.... No peace though. Sad
That's so so hard. I'm so sorry.
OverTheRainbow88 · 30/03/2021 13:25

@Ncforthistoday

You are very brave, and I hope I would do the same. I would do the same.

Hamhockandmash · 30/03/2021 13:25

Oh god, as the mother of a son this would be horrendous to go through. I believe I would. I would try and encourage him to do it first of course, but I believe I would report him. I know someone who has done this to her own child. It’s for the best for them too, letting them get away with it wouldn’t be on their best interest. How difficult though.

Can I slightly derail and ask everyone another question - if this was your son/brother/father who committed such a crime, if they admitted etc, would you support them through the process, still visit them in jail, see them when they get out?

Hamhockandmash · 30/03/2021 13:26

@Ncforthistoday I’m so sorry. Xx

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