Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[ddl1]

That if a person is in some way disabled and it somehow affected their decision making that you wouldn’t report them if you KNEW what they had done?

I'm not the poster, but I don't think that was the point. I think that the poster was implying that if the son was poor, non-white, or disabled, she wouldn't trust the police to deal with them fairly.

Living in the UK, I believe and hope that I would report anyone, family member or not. If I lived somewhere where there was a great deal of police brutality and corruption (yes, it definitely happens here as recent incidents have highlighted; but I like to think that it's still a bug and not a feature)... well, I'm not quite as sure.

[FredWinnie]

@ladymalfoy45
I refuse to have anything to do with our DD Godmother because as the mother of 3 sons and Headteacher she is firmly of the belief that ‘girls nowadays should know the dangers’...
....She works in a PRU and her excuse has always been ‘it’s a part of their upbringing’. Sadly OFSTED agreed with her.

Jesus that is horrifying!
Are other parents of the school aware of her views?

(Good for you by the way)

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

@Ncforthistoday what a heartbreaking post; one of the saddest I've read on this site. People are quick to blame the parents - as they blame addicts' families when addict succumbs to their addiction - asking where they were and what they did.

It's all very well to raise your sons to respect women, to accept their boundaries and to hear 'no' when they say 'no'. If red flags are shown at school (this is the system used by protection services to determine level of risk) charities such as NOTA etc are firmly of the belief that sexual rehabilitation IS possible when children are young. (It's for this reason I'd report my son and seek help were we in this predicament).

It's also very unfair. I remember a stranger-murder in my locality, where the murderer's parents' house was besieged by angry local vigilante mobs when they were entirely innocent and probably suffering themselves. I wondered about what kind of grief was suffered by the mother of Ian Watkins (of the Lost Prophets, now never spoken of, guilty of the most horrific crimes against children). That was her child, whose nappies she raised and who she loved from infancy. I felt heartbroken for the poor women.

We don't raise our children in isolation. They will interact with the wider world and however vigilant our parenting, WILL come into contact with these attitudes sooner or later.

No matter whether we're the parents of sons or daughters, the thought terrifies me and keeps me awake at night. Sending you and thank you for sharing your story.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

Nappies she changed*. Wish MN had an edit facility. Point being he was still her child, whatever he'd done.

[Sugarblossom92]

What about those with daughters who have done it, its not just sons who can sexually assault. I was sexually assaulted by a female cousin when i was 11 and have never told anyone about it through shame and embarrassment. I would of been more comfortable speaking out about it if it had been a male cousin.

[Fountainsoftea]

It used to happen to a girl on my bus every day. She was blonde, pretty, giggly, wore the makeup and short skirts I wasn't allowed, and confident. While I was bullied for being ugly, jeered at for being a swot and derided for having the wrong clothes, she was cuddled up to/ had sexual jokes made about her and seemed to spend all her time giggling. At 13, I thought that was the better position to be in. This was the early 90s, so being sexy was the ultimate goal.

It was only years later, that it dawned on me that she probably wasn't enjoying it and that I had it all wrong.

[NEVERQUIT3331]

Anyone can say things but doing it practically is a different matter. I remember watching a programme of a killer his mother still defends him and argues he is not the boy she knows. A lot of parents see their children in a different light no matter what they do. And that clouds their judgement and means we also see people not giving up their loved ones. It is easy to give up someone else's son or daughter but when it comes to your own the same rules do not apply to a lot of people.

[Procrastination4]

“ If my 13 yr old flicked a girl's bra strap I would not want him reported to the police. I would however want to know and work with the school to make it very clear that it isn't fun, a way to impress your mates, or get a girl to notice you.”

Ironically enough, this horrible carry-on by some of the “senior” girls in my all-girls school was considered appropriate behaviour towards younger girls. It was “only messing”, we were told. Girls can be just as horrible as boys, to my mind, and psychological bullying is every bit as damaging as any other type.

[Nanny0gg]

[quote Toothpaste123]@Wowcherarestalkingme I find that too harsh. Not wanting to know them?! If my son would commit a sexual assault, I would be upset, disappointed, angry.. But I would still love them and help them through dealing with the consequences
@Ncforthistoday why did you have to disown him? You must have been through hell, I can't even begin to imagine, but was it not possible to stay in some sort of contact without risking the safety of the abused dc?[/quote]
Would you not feel utterly betrayed if your parents kept in touch with your abuser?

[Naunet]

Girls can be just as horrible as boys, to my mind, and psychological bullying is every bit as damaging as any other type.

🙄 99% of sex crimes are committed by men and boys, so no, girls are not just as bad.

[Clarabella77]

I would like to think I would. I would want him to be held accountable for his actions as I think that would be the only way for him to learn from his actions and develop into a better kind of man. And that is my duty. I believe there are bigger, more imports things t stake than my love for or desire to protect my son.

I would strive to do so with his understanding that I would still support him through the process.


I really hope I am never in this position but I am not naive to the horrible truth that as he enters adolescence, this could happen.

[ancientgran]

@Ncforthistoday

Sadly no second guessing and no regrets. The victim was also one of my dc....
No peace though.

That must be the hardest thing. Hope you and the child who was the victim are doing as well as you can.

[ancientgran]

@Naunet

Girls can be just as horrible as boys, to my mind, and psychological bullying is every bit as damaging as any other type.

🙄 99% of sex crimes are committed by men and boys, so no, girls are not just as bad.

It isn't just sexual assault though, violent assault is also an issue and I think boys and girls need to be reported for that. I don't think you can turn round to a girl or boy who have been the victim of sustained bullying and violence and say it doesn't matter as the perpetrator was a girl.

[Nanny0gg]

@Landofsmiles

I have a son. I would never report him for anything. In fact I would actively protect him no matter the circumstances. I know that's awful for others who may be affected but I'm his mother and that's my job. I'd die before I'd consider reporting him. Most people probably feel the same but not many will say it.

I assume you don't have a daughter too then?

And I actually disagree that it's a mother's job to protect their child 'no matter what'

[Naunet]

It isn't just sexual assault though, violent assault is also an issue and I think boys and girls need to be reported for that. I don't think you can turn round to a girl or boy who have been the victim of sustained bullying and violence and say it doesn't matter as the perpetrator was a girl

This thread IS about sexual assault.
Most violent crime is committed by males, so again, women and girls are not “just as bad”. Trying to pretend they are helps no one.

[Naunet]

And I actually disagree that it's a mother's job to protect their child 'no matter what'

Agree, it turns my stomach to know some parents would protect their son if he raped a girl.

[Biffbaff]

The girls are victims / boys are attackers narrative is a very dangerous one. Both girls and boys need to be educated on these things, on boundaries, consent, taking responsibility for their own safety and that of others. Of course I am going to educate my son, that's a given. Educate your daughters too. But this messaging at the moment, that there is an inevitability to girls' victimhood and boys' violence needs to change - because it isn't inevitable, and it starts with their upbringing.

And no, unless I was 100% sure, irrefutable evidence, I would not be turning my son in and it would have to be a serious crime. And I'd believe him before I believed anyone else's version of events too.

[ancientgran]

@Naunet

It isn't just sexual assault though, violent assault is also an issue and I think boys and girls need to be reported for that. I don't think you can turn round to a girl or boy who have been the victim of sustained bullying and violence and say it doesn't matter as the perpetrator was a girl

This thread IS about sexual assault.
Most violent crime is committed by males, so again, women and girls are not “just as bad”. Trying to pretend they are helps no one.

Well I was following up a post which was about girls attacking girls so it was a progression. You know like how conversations develop.

Either way the new big investigation about boys at school should be about all children and all assaults because sexual or violent assaults matter and they matter whether the assailant is male or female. If more boys are doing it that will show up in the investigations/complaints. Let's protect all children.

[Naunet]

The girls are victims / boys are attackers narrative is a very dangerous one

So you want us to ignore facts, because that’s more helpful somehow?!

[Naunet]

Well I was following up a post which was about girls attacking girls so it was a progression. You know like how conversations develop

Either way the new big investigation about boys at school should be about all children and all assaults because sexual or violent assaults matter and they matter whether the assailant is male or female. If more boys are doing it that will show up in the investigations/complaints. Let's protect all children

So we have to play pretend that girls are sexually assaulting boys and are just as violent for some reason?! We already have plenty of stats to show 99% of sex crimes are committed by men and boys, so I’ll stick to the facts thanks.

[Mittens030869]

’And I actually disagree that it's a mother's job to protect their child 'no matter what.’

‘Agree, it turns my stomach to know some parents would protect their son if he raped a girl.’

That’s how I feel. As a survivor of childhood SA, I think it’s a disgrace. Of course it will be a shock. But it’s nothing compared to the damage done to the child who was abused. I’m still impacted now, as an adult of 51. And I also blame those who knew and did nothing. (Not my DM, she didn’t know.)

And as for that poster who said she wouldn’t report if it happened again? How many more victims do these have to be before you do the right thing?

[Soubriquet]

It’s hard

I have both a son and daughter and I would want the person who hurt my daughter punished, but at the same time, I look at my little boy and think “he can’t be capable of stuff like this”

However, I think I would. As much as it pains me to, I would

For my daughter and everyone else’s daughters

[Itsalonghaul]

The girls are victims / boys are attackers narrative is a very dangerous one

Girls can't physically rape men, so I do think girls are more vulnerable to attack - yes. The stats tell us that it is the case that it is mostly boys that rape and assault girls, the facts speak for themselves. So we can't really reframe it any other way, because that would be false.

[Itsalonghaul]

Girls can be just as horrible as boys, to my mind, and psychological bullying is every bit as damaging as any other type.

Clearly stated by someone who has never been through rape.
That is perhaps the worst thing I have ever read on Mumsnet. Congratulations.

[lanthanum]

@Hamhockandmash

Oh god, as the mother of a son this would be horrendous to go through. I believe I would. I would try and encourage him to do it first of course, but I believe I would report him. I know someone who has done this to her own child. It’s for the best for them too, letting them get away with it wouldn’t be on their best interest. How difficult though.

Can I slightly derail and ask everyone another question - if this was your son/brother/father who committed such a crime, if they admitted etc, would you support them through the process, still visit them in jail, see them when they get out?

As part of my work, I visited a prison which houses sex offenders. A member of staff told me that the vast majority of the inmates get no visitors.