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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

Reporting your son

510 replies

Aqua55 · 30/03/2021 12:44

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 14:07

I wonder if there is a difference between reporting a child who has assaulted one of your other children (e.g., sibling on sibling abuse) versus reporting a child who has perpetrated an assault on who is, to you, a stranger. I would think the considerations are very different.

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Ncforthistoday · 30/03/2021 14:09

In what way different?

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AudTheDeepMinded · 30/03/2021 14:11

@LaceyBetty how? is it more or less of a crime if the person is know to you?

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LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 14:13

@Ncforthistoday
For me, and not sure, but I would probably be more inclined to report where one of my children had assaulted his/her sibling, as I couldn't live with the guilt of letting the victim down and not protecting them. Hopefully it wouldn't be different for a stranger, but just not sure.

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LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 14:14

@AudTheDeepMinded definitely isn't less of a crime, I am just wondering out loud whether my considerations would be any different.

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Mittens030869 · 30/03/2021 14:14

I don’t have DSs, I have 2 DDs. I like to think would report them if I discovered that they committed a crime, but I would speak to them first and hopefully they would tell me the truth and then I would accompany them to the police station.

But it’s all theoretical, as quite obviously it’s a completely different ball game if it happens in reality.

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Itsalonghaul · 30/03/2021 14:15

If we want to live in the kind of society where women, girls and small children are safe, then we have to do the right thing. As painful as it might be. We do them no favours by allowing to grow into fully fledged sexual predators. If dealt with at a young age, something can be done, interventions can take place. Almost worse to let them grow into adults that will hurt and rape women. It is not okay.

We will become a very different society if we allow it.

I would report them, yes. I would report any family member that did something like this without hesitation. It would be a matter for them to apologise to the victim of course, but also to the family that will have suffered by extension.

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sergeilavrov · 30/03/2021 14:16

I have two sons, and it makes me anxious to even consider they would behave in such a way. I will probably got flamed for this but if I’m truly honest with myself, I would believe the person reporting yet would act to insulate my sons from any life changing consequences. So, if they can enter a sexual treatment program in another city or country; pay for the support the woman needs. That goes against everything I believe as a survivor, and makes me a hypocrite - yet I know it’s probably my likely reaction. My DH would probably not protect them. In the country we live in, sex crimes are almost always a death penalty offense, something we both support. I just couldn’t allow that to happen to my children.

We are so quick to talk about consent for things like hugs and hand holding and chasing in the playground, big on personal space, and that girls see the world differently. I hope this makes it so I never have to do the wrong thing at the expense of someone else.

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CharlotteRose90 · 30/03/2021 14:16

I don’t have a son but I would 100% report him if he sexually assaulted someone. I personally think if you didn’t then you’re disgusting. I get it’s your child but he would have done a horrendous crime.

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Itsalonghaul · 30/03/2021 14:17

I think the police need to get much more involved than they have done up to now. Particularly with assaults on younger children - which are ignored in some cases. The message needs to go out that to the whole country that it will not be tolerated.

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JackieTheFart · 30/03/2021 14:19

I have sons. I’m very conflicted about this question. I’m the same as @sergeilavrov:

I have two sons, and it makes me anxious to even consider they would behave in such a way. I will probably got flamed for this but if I’m truly honest with myself, I would believe the person reporting yet would act to insulate my sons from any life changing consequences. So, if they can enter a sexual treatment program in another city or country; pay for the support the woman needs. That goes against everything I believe as a survivor, and makes me a hypocrite - yet I know it’s probably my likely reaction

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ChnandlerBong · 30/03/2021 14:20

It's all very theoretical isn't it? I hope I would report him. I cannot say for sure though as have never been in that position.

Surely that's all any of us can say?

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ImAlrightThanx · 30/03/2021 14:24

Yes, I would.
I would want the person to be reported if they did it to my own dc... so I would have to repot my own dc for doing it to another persons child, as hard as it would be.

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SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/03/2021 14:26

@cookiecreampie

If I knew for certain, yes I would and I would tell my son that I was going to. If it was a something that I wasn't sure about I wouldn't report to the police but I would ask my son about it and then judge. Although every rape allegation should be taken seriously, some people do lie and I wouldn't automatically take the word of a stranger over the son that I know without hearing his side.

I would be the same as cookie. Definite assault - yes, in a heartbeat - any doubt, I'd try to get to the truth myself first.

Why? Because teenage girls can sometimes be attention-seeking and silly, and once a false accusation is made it has its own momentum, and it is hard to retract, even if the girl wants to.

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Medeaaah · 30/03/2021 14:26

I would never report my son for anything, I couldn't possibly imagine 'reporting' your own child to the Police. Family always comes first, no matter what. I would blame myself for failing to raise him with moral code and honour and would do anything to fix it, however, never would I betray him.

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ImAlrightThanx · 30/03/2021 14:26

@LaceyBetty

I wonder if there is a difference between reporting a child who has assaulted one of your other children (e.g., sibling on sibling abuse) versus reporting a child who has perpetrated an assault on who is, to you, a stranger. I would think the considerations are very different.

I don't agree.
I would not be able to not put myself in the other parents shoes. I think so, anyway. This is all academic and hopefully will stay so.
But if it was my child who was assaulted... what would I want? How could I deny somebody else that?
It's a very hard question that thankfully most of us won't ever to ask.

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Pyewackect · 30/03/2021 14:27

I think it's very easy to sit on an annonymous website and say you would but the reality of actually dealing with the Police first hand, knowing you could be ruining his future totally and probably destroying any relationship you had with him, a tad more difficult.

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YoghurtLover · 30/03/2021 14:27

Curious as to how race or disability is relevant to reporting?

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fassbendersmistress · 30/03/2021 14:28

Right now, with a system that miserably fails women who report sexual crimes, I probably wouldn’t.

I just don't think flooding a failing system is the answer nor will it improve anything right now, even sadly for victims.

Would I make sure my son was held to account in any other possible way and atoned? Hell yes. But the Judicial system and how police and society handle sexual crimes and treat victims needs to be addressed first and foremost.

My DS is still primary aged and as a victim of sexual violence myself I am already consciously teaching him about consent and driving out any sense of entitlement that rears it’s head and instilling the qualities that I hope protect him from the toxic masculinity and influences that I cannot always shelter him from. It’s so fucking tough already.

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ImAlrightThanx · 30/03/2021 14:29

@Pyewackect

I think it's very easy to sit on an annonymous website and say you would but the reality of actually dealing with the Police first hand, knowing you could be ruining his future totally and probably destroying any relationship you had with him, a tad more difficult.

I don't see it like that.
I've answered this thread on the assumption that it's a 100% proof case. In that case, I would not be running his future, he would have done that himself. He would be merely facing the consequences of his actions.

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AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 14:32

I would never report my son for anything, I couldn't possibly imagine 'reporting' your own child to the Police. Family always comes first, no matter what.

@Medeaaah, I respect your honesty, but really, never? No matter what?

What if they had raped someone? Or killed someone? Or killed several people? I can't actually believe that you wouldn't report in those circumstances? What if there was a risk of them doing it again?

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oldshoeuk · 30/03/2021 14:35

The OP asks about sexual assault which on the sliding scale isn't the same as rape so perhaps generates a different answer with some people. For me, if I'm being honest.

I wouldn't assist the police if one of my DC murdered someone, quite the opposite. Yes I can see the victims perspective, I understand that I am supporting wrongs etc, I hear you on all of that.

I'm just being honest, if the shit hit the fan, that's where I would stand.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/03/2021 14:35

Honestly, I don't know. I would like to think I would. I would try and encourage him to hand himself in first or hope that someone else reported him so then it's out of my hands.

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Lolojojonesi · 30/03/2021 14:36

This happened to a friend, whose son has admitted to raping his girlfriend after she confided in other friends (including my dc). It feels really tragic, and the mother has tried to smooth things over as son has been suicidal, certainly didn't report him. My own dc, who was friends with the son, no longer talks to him and has been supporting the girlfriend, including encouraging her to contact the police. It's incredibly grim.

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Happycat1212 · 30/03/2021 14:43

I wouldn’t report my own child. And I don’t believe the amount of people saying they would. It’s easy to say you would, it’s another thing doing it.

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