Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[PixieLaLa]

I also wonder how many people who have said yes I would report have children who are white, straight, not on the poverty line, without significant disabilities etc.

Really....

[MsTSwift]

Most of the mothers of boys I know absolutely would not report their sons and are quick to try and change the narrative to hussy type girls sending their lads dirty pictures 🙄.

Remember reading about an awful stranger rape and the girl was left for dead on a park. A local couple turned in their teenage son and were commended by the police.

[Merryoldgoat]

I would and I have two sons.

[adeleh]

I'm almost sure I would do nearly anything not to report them. Sorry.

[3peassuit]

I like to think I would have the courage and integrity to report a son, in reality I don’t think anyone knows until it happens.

[Landofsmiles]

I have a son. I would never report him for anything. In fact I would actively protect him no matter the circumstances. I know that's awful for others who may be affected but I'm his mother and that's my job. I'd die before I'd consider reporting him. Most people probably feel the same but not many will say it.

[ladymalfoy45]

I refuse to have anything to do with our DD Godmother because as the mother of 3 sons and Headteacher she is firmly of the belief that ‘girls nowadays should know the dangers’.
Even with the debate at the moment the media are worrying about the boys and young men who might be accused of sexual assault/bullying/rape.
The Godmother will suspend/exclude girls who bully each other via social media but let the shame porn being shared between boys drift under the radar.
She works in a PRU and her excuse has always been ‘it’s a part of their upbringing’. Sadly OFSTED agreed with her.

[Nanny0gg]

@Hamhockandmash

Oh god, as the mother of a son this would be horrendous to go through. I believe I would. I would try and encourage him to do it first of course, but I believe I would report him. I know someone who has done this to her own child. It’s for the best for them too, letting them get away with it wouldn’t be on their best interest. How difficult though.

Can I slightly derail and ask everyone another question - if this was your son/brother/father who committed such a crime, if they admitted etc, would you support them through the process, still visit them in jail, see them when they get out?

Son, I don't know.

The others, no I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

[JustSleepAlready]

As much as it would absolutely break my heart and kill me inside, I think I’d have no option. I’d have to report it, as I think and feel today.

[AlexaShutUp]

I can totally relate to those who say they'd like to think that they would report, but aren't sure what they would actually do if they found themselves in that awful situation.

I'm a little shocked by those who say that they wouldn't report their kids, even for a serious crime, or even that they would actively try to protect their children from the consequences of their actions. I admire your honesty in admitting this, but I'm really struggling to get my head around it. Wouldn't you feel guilty, and if so, how would you live with that? I honestly don't think I could. Would you be able to look at your child in the same way? I just can't imagine having a normal relationship with my dc if they had done something really awful and we had just swept it under the carpet. What about if your child was the victim, would you forgive the perpetrator's parents for protecting them from justice because that's just what parents do?

[RantyAnty]

@Ncforthistoday

Don't know if you'll see this or not but just wanted to thank you for sharing here. My heart breaks for you.

May I ask how old your DC were that were involved?

[AlexaShutUp]

And what if your child committed the same crime more than once. Would the fear that they might do it again change anything?

[multivac]

Anyone who is saying with confidence, 'I would', OR 'I wouldn't' is deluded.

You don't know.

You can't know.

You can state what you believe to be right, or likely. But that's it. Extreme circumstances lead to entirely unpredictable reactions.

[strawberryforever]

In year 8 my daughter told school about boys making rude and derogatory comments about girls chest sizes eg. Large breasts =slag. School were great, the parents of the boys weren't. I was told she was making a mountain out of a molehill and that she was causing unnecessary trouble. IMO it starts small and the lack of accountability from some parents allows unacceptable behaviours to escalate and become normalised.

[Landofsmiles]

@AlexaShutUp

I can totally relate to those who say they'd like to think that they would report, but aren't sure what they would actually do if they found themselves in that awful situation.

I'm a little shocked by those who say that they wouldn't report their kids, even for a serious crime, or even that they would actively try to protect their children from the consequences of their actions. I admire your honesty in admitting this, but I'm really struggling to get my head around it. Wouldn't you feel guilty, and if so, how would you live with that? I honestly don't think I could. Would you be able to look at your child in the same way? I just can't imagine having a normal relationship with my dc if they had done something really awful and we had just swept it under the carpet. What about if your child was the victim, would you forgive the perpetrator's parents for protecting them from justice because that's just what parents do?

I would feel bad for the victim but I would live with that guilt in order to protect my child. I would be disappointed in my child but would still look at them in the same way as my love is unconditional. My kids know they can tell me anything no matter how bad it is and I will do anything I can to help them. I would try to help them move on from what they'd done and try to make sure it didn't happen again but if it did I still wouldn't report them. I'd be devastated with what they'd done but I'd still protect them.

[JustSleepAlready]

@nanbread
What point are you making? That if a person is in some way disabled and it somehow affected their decision making that you wouldn’t report them if you KNEW what they had done? Son or daughter, I don’t think this comes into it. Nothing else matters but that they have committed a crime. Then they are at the leniency of the courts...

[Nanny0gg]

@Medeaaah

I would never report my son for anything, I couldn't possibly imagine 'reporting' your own child to the Police. Family always comes first, no matter what. I would blame myself for failing to raise him with moral code and honour and would do anything to fix it, however, never would I betray him.

So, hypothetically, he's a paedophile?

I don't think reporting someone like that is any type of betrayal, your son or not.

[EclaireTree]

Horrific situation. However, I wouldn’t report my own child. I’d advise and counsel them. Find out the circumstances and encourage them to find a way forward, including turning themselves in.

I’m terrified about my sons, both with regards to unwanted pregnancy or false accusations of sexual assault.

[Coyoacan]

If my daughter were a danger to society, I would report her and then visit her every day in prison.

[Lochmorlich]

My dn was accused of physically assaulting ( minor, no obvious injuries) a girl when he was 15.
The girl’s friend backed up her accusation.
The police asked my dn to attend an informal chat at the police station.
My dsil very wisely got a solicitor and the opening line of the interview was ‘do you think you should go around assaulting girls a big lad like you?’
The solicitor ripped the accusation to shreds and the pal admitted she’d been coerced by her friend into supporting complete lies.
The girl making the accusations ended up with a warning!
This was the peak of years of being bullied in school.

So would I report my ds?
No. Not unless I was sure he was guilty.

[Landofsmiles]

Oh and if my child was the victim, I wouldn't forgive the parents but I wouldn't expect them to cooperate at all. Most people do stay on the side of their child.

[52andblue]

As @Gatehouse77 says:
'If I couldn’t persuade them to go voluntarily to the police and I was absolutely certain then, yes, I would report them'.

For me that goes for any family member, partner, work colleague.

I would not necessarily have faith that the Police would handle it properly but I would report a crime yes. I would want to know that the victim of the crime (if not a child who could not judge what was best for them) actually wanted it reporting though as I have worked with young women who are survivors of such crimes and they have been traumatised afresh by the reporting / trial process, usually to no avail.

[perkymoose]

I have a toddler son and I'm going to do everything I am to bring him up in such a way where I wouldn't need to report him because believe me I would if I suspect anything!

[AlexaShutUp]

@Landofsmiles, thank you for answering. I totally agree about love being unconditional, and I don't think that my dc could do anything that would make me stop loving them. I have also always said that they can tell me anything, and I will still love them, no matter what. But for me, loving them unconditionally wouldn't mean covering up for them...it would mean helping them to face up to the consequences of what they had done.

I guess, fundamentally, I don't believe that protecting them would help them in the long run anyway. I'd rather that my dc faced up to the consequences of what they'd done, including going to prison if needs be, than that they lived with the burden of a dreadful secret for the rest of their lives and the constant fear of getting found out. Covering up wouldn't erase the crime, so I don't see how it would help them.

[rattusrattus20]

It really depends OP means by "report", which isn't obvious to me at all.

Testify in court against your son if you'd somehow become a witness? That ought to be relatively straightforward, I really hope that anyone would.

Give honest factual evidence in court about [e.g.] your son's whereabouts and behaviour etc, even if you weren't a witness? See above.

Tip off the police if you [for whatever reason] had your suspicions? e.g. if he'd said something to you that sounded like a partial confession to you? I kind of doubt that many people would? It just wouldn't be your place to do it, right?