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AIBU?

Reporting your son

510 replies

Aqua55 · 30/03/2021 12:44

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Ncforthistoday · 30/03/2021 14:45

I would like to commend the police who dealt with us and our younger dc.. Better than the ss who obviously had to be involved... Omg she was barely qualified and talked to her sat nav the whole way to the hospital the next day.... Very very unprofessional.. The policewoman who was assigned to us was on call 24/7and was great. Sadly the care ended on trial day.. Never heard from anyone again. This needs to change. Our whole family has been altered and some of my dc still struggle..
It had never crossed my mind this would happen. It really is one of those can't answer until it happens questions.. I am sure in my shoes you would be able to do the right thing also. I don't feel strong. Like any parent you ask yourself was it your fault...
Name changing back now as getting as it is getting too much being on here... The support is much appreciated.. Prob more than have ever had irl. My bff sadly backed away from our friendship... Hardly a topic of chat over a coffee to a potential friend...
I would like to add, please don't be worried that your young dc don't know correct anatomy words, my dc managed just fine. Or be complacent that it would never happen to your dc.... At one point there were 4 adults around when one incident occurred... Abuse is like cancer imo. Can happen to anyone at anytime and you don't always see it coming. And please always believe your dc.. The policewoman told me she never doubted it happened exactly as dc said it did. Small dc not have the capacity to make up stuff like this.
Keep your dc safe.
Xxx

waterlego · 30/03/2021 14:46

I wouldn't assist the police if one of my DC murdered someone, quite the opposite.

I’m quite shocked by that! I’ve told both my DCs (not just randomly but in the context of conversation about crime and punishment) that I believe I would report them for commiting a serious criminal offence, especially one involving violence. I told them I would probably visit them in prison and would still love them but that I couldn’t be complicit in covering for them.

This declaration is, thankfully, untested and I hope it remains so. I can’t really know what I would do but I hope I would support justice for the victim, regardless of the pain it would cause me and my child.

LookAtWhatYouCouldHaveWon · 30/03/2021 14:48

I have two sons and two daughters and two of them have been subject to abuse (all dealt with through the proper channels).

I would have no hesitation to turn any of them in if i needed to.

Procrastination4 · 30/03/2021 14:49

I would hope that I’d raised them to be better than that, to be honest. I think what they see in the home (relationship between parents) and whether or not they’ve been brought up to have respect for ALL living things has a big influence on their attitude to women. If my son or daughter assaulted someone (not just sexual), ANY type of assault, I couldn’t condone it and would expect them to take responsibility for their actions.

Livpool · 30/03/2021 14:50

I have a son but I would. I couldn't not to be honest

peachescariad · 30/03/2021 14:51

Absolutely a yes and both my 2 DSs know I would do it now too at 21 & 19.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 30/03/2021 14:51

@Ncforthistoday as the person who was the victim, thank you for believing them. Thank you thank you thank you.
My family 'sided' with my abuser and made it very clear I was not to involve the police.

As a Mum of boys, my heart truly goes out to you. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
Flowers

wonderingsoul · 30/03/2021 14:55

I would

I have reported my 14 year old son to the police when he and his friends found a atm card and racked up 500 pounds worth.

I reported him because I love him, told him I was doing it, supported him whilst the police spoke with him as it turned out they couldn't do anything, and the bank would have refunded the money as they don't investigate if under a a certain amount. But he was well prepared to offer up 300 pounds he had been saving for for a box. Had they been able to find the owner of the card.

Hes not a bad lad, never done anything like this before or since. Just got wrapped up in his mates where doing and they didn't really think of it as real money. but the shock of the police deff helped put him straight.

So yes I would, it was so hard and I felt like I was betraying him but I honestly thought it was the best thing to do to keep him safe on the long run. He also understands why I did it and hasn't never held it against me.

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 14:56

@Procrastination4

I would hope that I’d raised them to be better than that, to be honest. I think what they see in the home (relationship between parents) and whether or not they’ve been brought up to have respect for ALL living things has a big influence on their attitude to women. If my son or daughter assaulted someone (not just sexual), ANY type of assault, I couldn’t condone it and would expect them to take responsibility for their actions.

I think everyone hopes they've raised their son's that way, but, sadly, it's not always down to that and certainly not a mother's fault when things don't go according to plan.
Mittens030869 · 30/03/2021 14:57

I wouldn't assist the police if one of my DC murdered someone, quite the opposite.

It’s a crime to assist an offender, do you realise that? You could end up in prison for perverting the course of justice, potentially, or perjury.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 30/03/2021 15:00

It's hard to say what you would do without being in that situation. I think I would definitely report it, but I wouldn't abandon my son or cut them from the family. I don't see what good that would do. I don't know, maybe I would feel different if actually IN that situation.

StarryNight13 · 30/03/2021 15:00

If it’s a problem that’s affecting many females, then as a mother of a son (and daughter) I would want to be part of the solution, not the problem and that would involve speaking out! It would be a terrible thing to do through and no doubt you would feel like you had failed your child in some way. As a mother of a teenage son, I hope I have done everything to ensure that he will treat females with the upmost of respect.

SATSmadness · 30/03/2021 15:00

I have talked to my teenage son about the blatant porn culture that is the norm today.

IMHO rape culture has its roots firmly in porn culture and that starts very young in some boys these days.

It's the old "tough on crime" / "tough on the causes of crime" debate.

I'm not sure any of us can know for sure what we would do until we're in that dreadful situation ourselves.

wonderingsoul · 30/03/2021 15:01

I realise finding and using a atm card is different to a assault but the point stands that I don't and won't ever stand for unwanted behaviour. So reporting would help the victim but I would also be doing to help my son get the help they need and to be punished for what they did. I would support them through out though no matter how ashamed I was as I think everyone needs one person to be there.

Penistoe · 30/03/2021 15:01

This will be rare in reality. In the majority of cases violence against women is something learned at home. So I doubt there will be many parents who would realistically shop their child. I did read about one a while ago who raped a young girl and bragged about it, but it turned out to be a step mother.

We shouldn’t be focusing on reporting the kids, this is another distraction from the main issue, changing this behaviour in society.

LexMitior · 30/03/2021 15:05

@Mittens030869

*I wouldn't assist the police if one of my DC murdered someone, quite the opposite.*

It’s a crime to assist an offender, do you realise that? You could end up in prison for perverting the course of justice, potentially, or perjury.

Yes it is. Not reporting is one thing, helping someone to conceal a crime is and does land you in a lot of problems.

Note the wife of the man who is said to have killed Sarah Everard is charged with assisting. Her life is ruined by her own actions if he is convicted.
TatianaBis · 30/03/2021 15:06

The key is education from the parents to ensure it doesn't get to that stage.

Parents need to discuss porn and toxic laddism from an early age unfortunately.

If any of my kids broke the law, the only way forward is for them to take responsibility and face the music.

Toothpaste123 · 30/03/2021 15:08

@Wowcherarestalkingme I find that too harsh. Not wanting to know them?! If my son would commit a sexual assault, I would be upset, disappointed, angry.. But I would still love them and help them through dealing with the consequences
@Ncforthistoday why did you have to disown him? You must have been through hell, I can't even begin to imagine, but was it not possible to stay in some sort of contact without risking the safety of the abused dc?

GabsAlot · 30/03/2021 15:08

not the exact same but someone i know ds was accused of grooming-parents stood by him and it turned out the girl had lied-not after he had been charged and got a court date

sometimes it turns out not to be true

waterlego · 30/03/2021 15:10

Toothpaste I think Nocforthis said they were going to leave this thread now so may not be back to answer. One of their last posts suggested that they had been open to ongoing contact with the child who had offended, but that the child had not chosen to pursue it.

StarryNight13 · 30/03/2021 15:11

Does anyone know if this topic is discussed at school in PSHE, maybe adding this to the curriculum, so it’s ingrained not just at home but at school too.

GabsAlot · 30/03/2021 15:12

Toothpaste that poster previously said she tried to get in contact but heard nothing back

i am surprised theyre not on the sexual offenders register though or doesnt it count when youre a child

museumum · 30/03/2021 15:14

I really don't know. I believe it's up to the girl or young woman to decide if she wants to go through the justice system or not. I don't believe they should be forced to against their will.
If I ever found out my son had assaulted a young woman I would encourage him to report himself. If I found evidence on a phone or whatever then I would turn that in but I don't think there's a lot of value in reporting hearsay to the police as it won't help in a prosecution, only confession or evidence are helpful.

Milkshake7489 · 30/03/2021 15:15

I have a new baby and struggle to even think about it. Before my son was born I would have said I'd report without hesitation. Now... I just don't think I could do it.

I still know that I should, but the instinct to protect your child is overwhelming. Maybe this will change as he gets older and less dependent on me (he's still a baby).

I do intend to do everything I can to raise him to be a good person though. Luckily he is surrounded by positive male role models and I intend to instill a good understanding of consent from a young age. Hopefully no one else on this thread will ever have to ask themselves this question for real.

JustLyra · 30/03/2021 15:16

I like to think I would, but I don’t think you know until you are in the circumstance.

My son was accused of something awful by a girl when he was 15. My instinct right away was that she was lying. It was subsequently proved (and in recent years she has admitted, explained and apologised) that she was indeed lying, but it has made me wonder a few times if that was because I knew them both, or if it was just because he is my son.

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