Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[LaceyBetty]

@Ncforthistoday I am so sorry. I have a son and can only imagine what you must be going through.

[thatwasme22]

''I reported one of my dc knowing I would /could never see them again. It has been 10 years now and haunts me still.''

God if he is not in jail do you know where he lives?

[Gatehouse77]

If I couldn’t persuade them to go voluntarily to the police and I was absolutely certain then, yes, I would report them. Likewise a daughter.

I have one son and two daughters. Whilst it might destroy our relationship they will have destroyed someone’s life. As another poster said, thinking of it from having a daughter and that perspective I’d want the person(s) responsible to be be held to account.

[AlexaShutUp]

@Ncforthistoday, that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you have to live with this.

Years ago, I had a friend who was the victim in this situation. Her parents chose to believe her brother. My friend could not cope with her parents' response to what had happened, and sadly, she is no longer with us. I am glad that you were there to believe and support your other child.

[RubyFakeLips]

It would depend on the circumstances and I think that would be the same for many people.

I’m sure you’ll get a thread of hundreds saying they would but I think this is the sort of issue where there’s a silent majority who actually wouldn’t.

[elephantmonkeys]

I think in practice very few parents would report their child, it is hard enough to face up to what your child has done as it is, most parents will be in denial. My ex husband is in prison for sex offences and I have witnessed first hand how his family find it impossible to take in what he has done. From talking to other families, I understand that reaction is quite common. For me, I had to make a determined effort to take it in, it was so surreal and painful that my head didn't want to accept it.

[B33Fr33]

I had to report a family member (Not a son). Having gone through that and the reaction in and out of my family I know it would be hard but I like to think I'd do it. I e been assaulted and even reporting on an assault that happened to someone else brought up the feelings of shame, helplessness etc.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I think men (of all ages) often get away with rape and sexual assault precisely because very few people actually report their son / brother / friend / cousin / partner. Most of us have a blind spot when it comes to those we know and love, particularly if it’s only based on a suspicion or hearsay. People generally say they would, when it’s a theoretical but reporting reality doesn’t back this up.

[LexMitior]

Sexual offending is so difficult to deal with. Even for adults.

Children do have a better chance of change than mature adults; but even then, it’s crime that gets you supervised after you have completed your sentence.

Still it’s big reported and acted on. If it were, society would be very different. Most parents will defend their children, that’s natural, it might be better if some paid greater attention to their overall upbringing than just keeping quiet.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

No. I wouldn’t. Hopefully will never be in that position.

[NEVERQUIT3331]

A lot of mothers or fathers would not and that is a fact. People can say things easily "I would report because it is the right thing to do."

But the reality is that a lot would not. What is the most beloved thing to a parent? Their child. And the fact is there would be a lot of cover up.

Lets ask this question if you gave up your son/daughter for a crime and you know they would get the death penalty would you? Most would not. It is easy to say you believe in death penalty for others but when it is your own child your opinion would most likely change.

It could be argued that prison for life is worse than death in some instances as some see death is an easy way out. I think in short unless any of us is put in that situation we do not know how we will react. But it won't be surprising people covering up for their children.

[Usagi12]

I have 2 sons. I think I would but if I'm honest I'm really not sure, I might. I hate to say it but there's every possibility I wouldn't and would try to resolve in a different way. Not sure what. It would depend a lot on the circumstances.

[BrilliantBetty]

Different situation but similar. Something happened to me when I was 17. An attempted rape by a man in a ladies loo.

My parents (who consider themselves very intellectual, Guardian reading, 'decent' people) didn't get me to report it. Or report it on my behalf. It was just left.
After the initial Qs about why I had been in that location in the first place.

I'm 30 so it's not as though it was years ago when noone mentioned these things.

I felt like it was my fault and I see them in a different light now, sometimes. I don't see them as caring / PC / do the right thing kind of people anymore particularly, because actions speak louder than words.

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

Yep but I think there is a lot of work to do before hand in showing respect. For example a girl in my son's class asked him out. He wasn't interested so we worked out a message that would be gentle and caring. He then hasn't spoken about it as we discussed that this was private and respectful to the girl. These lessons are really important.

if he had sexually assaulted someone i would be mortified and i would shop him.

[Deathraystare]

*@Ncforthistoday *

God that must have been tough. I wonder about the other mothers who know, but don't do anything. I remember one of those police programmes where there was a suspect of rape. The police went round to his home (still living with mum) and her first words were "Not again!"...

[Ncforthistoday]

Dc was a minor and went into foster care.. After the trial we were just abandoned .. Dc chose to continue therapy after the ordered 2 years.. Then when they turned 18 I could no longer ask /be told anything without their consent... I did ask their probation officer if they ever wanted to consider writing to me I would like to in the future Never had a reply. I have only ever wrote about it here. Never irl. They are still my dc. Love really is unconditional for our dc when it is truly tested. If families were offered more support maybe more would report. Moving on without any was barbaric tbh. The other dc involved had therapy for about a year... The adults and other dc nothing.
All just boxed away and never dealt with..

[callmeH]

@Liverbird77

I have a son and I would. I also have a daughter and I'd hope someone would do it if she was affected.

Would you report your daughter because it does happen, a quick grope on a crowded corridor for example?

[Wellshellsbells]

@daffodilsandprimroses

No. I wouldn’t. Hopefully will never be in that position.

Ashamedly ,Exactly this !

[AudTheDeepMinded]

Mother of three DS here. I think I would, although understand that when in that position it would be incredibly tough. My children are all in primary school and we have already had gentle discussions about consent and bodily autonomy, to try and prevent any possible misunderstanding of what is ok and what is not.

[picklemewalnuts]

I'd want to know what happened. I'd want to know what the hell my son thought he was doing.

I think we are all assuming a serious sexual assault from a predator.
In reality, it starts with messing about, teasing, flicking bra straps etc. That's the stage to come down like a ton of bricks and say this isn't acceptable. That culture has to change. If my 13 yr old flicked a girl's bra strap I would not want him reported to the police. I would however want to know and work with the school to make it very clear that it isn't fun, a way to impress your mates, or get a girl to notice you.

While the above behaviour isn't taken seriously by schools, men won't learn to keep their hands and comments to themselves.

[AlexaShutUp]

@Ncforthistoday, of course they are still your dc. I'm sorry that you received so little support.

[Ncforthistoday]

I had no choice..I never ever question my decision.. I even made the call myself when dh offered to. It had to have been me. I hope they have managed to forge a life. I heard they had a partner. They weren't put on the sex offenders register...

[apalledandshocked]

Report the for what though - the whole nub of the the problem is that there is a spectrum of bad behaviour (none of which is acceptable but which warrant different responses). So a 12 year old boy making mysogynistic comments about classmates with his friends = a massive telling of, deep disapointment, an 18 year old commiting a rape - I hope I would go to the police. Between that is more murky ground - if they commited a "minor" sexual assault like groping a girl their age without their consent when both were young teenagers then I dont know if the police would even be interested. But I also dont know if just telling them off would be enough...

[SplendidSuns1000]

I would report my children for any crimes they commit, regardless of their gender.

So often people assume their child is above making bad decisions. As if parents really know their children.

[apalledandshocked]

@picklemewalnuts Cross post - agree!