To choose to do this instead of a 'normal wedding'

[weddingwonders]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years now and are looking into planning a potential wedding for next year (We have already agreed to go ring shopping when the shops open).

I'm so shocked at the price of bloody wedding packages! A sub par location where we are (south east) would cost over £2k with no frills just for a small intimate wedding (30 people).

We've decided we would rather take the 2k and spend it on a 'weddingmoon' and just get married abroad simply with us only.

My friends are a bit put out as I'm the first to be in the wedding territory and they wanted to be bridesmaids etc but my partner and I just can't understand how we can happily spend £2k on one day in comparison to a lovely week/s abroad!

You don't need to spend £2k on a "wedding package." A wedding is just a party tacked on to the legal bit, so treat it as a party and suddenly all the expense and stress goes away.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I have adult children that i have a good relationship with. I would be devastated to not be at their weddings. Heartbroken.

A registry office wedding cost very, very little. Do the legal ceremony with your parents, and siblings and then have your lovely holiday where you could have a blessing if you wanted.

That's exactly what my parents and in laws said to us, and the ones then left heartbroken were me and my dh.

I have my own dc now, and while I'd feel disappointed if I weren't at their weddings, I wouldn't put any pressure on them to have a day that wasn't 100% what they wanted, and I certainly wouldn't tell them I was heartbroken. It's not fair.

We are doing just this in 8 weeks. In Scotland though not somewhere hot!

@Anotherdayanotherpark2020

Exactly right!
It’s not about controlling what happens, it’s not about ‘not having the wedding you want your child to have.’
I don’t mind if it’s a few people in a registry office or a slap up do in a marquee, I just want to share that moment with my darling DD or DS. Why not? And why shouldn’t they consider my feelings? They have been loved and cherished and educated ( every moment at our expense), and they love us and treat us with respect and seek our company. No, they owe us nothing, but it would be a hell of a kick in the teeth to be excluded from the most joyous occasion in their lives so far!

If you are close to parents why would you not invite them then say apart from that day you'll be having the rest of the time as your weddimg moon? Is it a romance thing or privacy or fear they will get kick up a fuss?

I'd have invited my grandad and husbands parents no more if we went abroad. LC with mum so wouldn't have included her.

@Lucent

Of course parents would like to see their kids on what is potentially the happiest day of their life?

I just don't recognise that -- I think that's wedding industry sentimental claptrap. I adore my DH and we've been together for getting on for 30 years, but getting married to him was a bit of useful legal bureacracy, as far as we were both concerned. It certainly doesn't factor as a particularly significant day in my life, far less the happiest.

Absolutely agree! Our wedding on our was nice, I love the photos, loved my dress. But I didn’t need anyone else there and it certainly isn’t even in the top 10 of my happiest days. Weddings are 99% nonsense. I’m close to my family, there’s no issues at all. But I didn’t need them there.

Registry office
Champagne and canapes
Airport and honeymoon

Would only add an extra £500 or so to costs and close family would be able to attend. You'd get the sense of occasion with your mum and still have the excitement of jetting off somewhere afterwards.

All of these people "why not just get married in a registry office here and have a blessing somewhere else"

They don't want to! End of discussion! It's so rude.

I attended a friends wedding in the year 2000 in a very posh hotel. She was 23 & her parents (mainly) had invited 250 folk for the Big White Wedding. Everything was very lovely, top quality but understated. It cost her Father about £50K I believe. But she was very stressed as various unpredictable things went wrong & a few people grumped.

I had a wedding the next year and spent about £800 (all we had!). Various things went wrong and I expect one or two folk grumped.

You can't make it 'Perfect' even for 50K so don't try. Do what you want.

m so shocked at the price of bloody wedding packages! A sub par location where we are (south east) would cost over £2k with no frills just for a small intimate wedding (30 people)

Shocked at how cheap they are? Yes, me too. 2k for 30 people is insanely cheap, how can anyone be making money on that at all?

Will cost you more to go abroad to do it.

My wedding wasn't the happiest day of my life but it was one of the happiest for my grandad(dad role). That means a lot to me.

I think some people are being extreme, unacceptable for parents to guilt trip and have a grudge but also weird not to consider their feelings and look at it from their side if you are in a good relationship with them.

Surely in any good relationship you look at all sides on big issues not just what one side wants .... I'm sure a compromise could be reached (maybe video or live stream for them??) I certainly think discussing/ telling beforehand is much kinder than a surprise announcement tbh as long as you don't expect them to pile pressure on.

@Knitterbabe
Exactly! I won't be putting them under any pressure at all and i won't expect them to have anything they don't want but i DO expect to be there!

But OP hasn't said she doesn't want to get married in a registry office. She's pretending it's more expensive to get married here than abroad so posters are responding to her points about cost.

[quote Knitterbabe]@Anotherdayanotherpark2020

Exactly right!
It’s not about controlling what happens, it’s not about ‘not having the wedding you want your child to have.’
I don’t mind if it’s a few people in a registry office or a slap up do in a marquee, I just want to share that moment with my darling DD or DS. Why not? And why shouldn’t they consider my feelings? They have been loved and cherished and educated ( every moment at our expense), and they love us and treat us with respect and seek our company. No, they owe us nothing, but it would be a hell of a kick in the teeth to be excluded from the most joyous occasion in their lives so far![/quote]
But they may not feel it's the 'most joyous occasion in their lives' at all? It's perfectly possible to adore the person in your life and still regard your wedding with no more emotion that you would the signing of any other contract. Maybe what some people are resisting is this kind of pressure to find the occasion significant and 'joyous'?

I love and respect my parents, but I didn't want any people in a registry office, other than the legally-necessary witnesses. I didn't want people who felt I should be all moved and tremulous, and who secretly thought it was a terrible shame I was wearing jeans and not carrying flowers and wearing a meringue, and that I was visibly thinking about work.

Those of you who say it is not what they want so tough, would you think it was equally acceptable for the parents to decline a wedding invitation because it is not what they want to do? Or an invitation to a child's baptism?

I find it bewildering that people think it is ok to pay no heed to the feelings of their loved ones?

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Those of you who say it is not what they want so tough, would you think it was equally acceptable for the parents to decline a wedding invitation because it is not what they want to do? Or an invitation to a child's baptism?

I find it bewildering that people think it is ok to pay no heed to the feelings of their loved ones?

Of course. I'm not in the habit of coercing people into doing things. An invitation, as is so often said on here, is not a legal summons.

I find it 'bewildering' that some people feel that other people should do things they have absolutely no desire to do in case someone feels hurt.

Nobody has to get married. If you decided to never get married and just cohabit forever, would you worry about disappointing your family because they wouldn't get to go to your wedding then? I don't know why people think their kids owe them weddings.

I think it’s pretty odd and deliberate-seeming to not invite your parents to your wedding unless you have a terrible relationship with them. I also think if you want to get married abroad and have a party here afterwards for whatever reason then do that, but you will embarrass yourself and probably offend people if you pretend that you’ve done so because it’s a cheap or simple way to do it. It is your wedding and it is your choice, but like so many choices in life, you can’t expect a say in how other people react to it.

We did this, in Cyprus. But closest family attended. Was 9 in total counting us. We had a big party when we got back in a local hotel. I think it actually cost near 2000 and that was 12 years ago.

Brilliant idea, OP.
The wedding is for the two of you to declare your lifelong commitment to each other and enjoy the day to the fullest, something traditional weddings generally do not afford.
The bloody stress over a dress worn for one day, flowers that die in a couple of days, overpriced and unimpressive food and wine, auntie Betty and uncle Ferdinand who will cause a spectacle, drunk best man who's embarrassing instead being charming, arrghhh... I could go on.

I have this dilemma too... partner and I have been together for 20 years, 2 kids, house etc etc. We have been engaged for over 10 years and never got around to marrying - but we are aware that for boring tax and inheritance purposes, we should marry. Neither of us can face a big wedding though so are considering just doing it by ourselves. It's really more of a legal necessity than an emotional affair in my view, but my parents will be devastated to miss it. Even though it's really nothing to miss!!

[quote weddingwonders]@Lucent You're right! It just feels like we'll get so much backlash [/quote]
Then you need better friends and family. My son and partner registered their civil partnership and only told everyone later. It was their choice so I respected it.

OP, take it from an old-timer like me. I have been married for 22 years, together 28. How you get married and how much it costs and who is there has no bearing on what your married life will be like. With that in mind, you don't need to spend £££££££ on it to please other people.

I hope my DC get married abroad, although I'd like to go too and of course I'd pay for myself.

@Horridcreature

Thats what I worry about, I really don't want my parents to feel left out but we just wouldn't have the wedding we would like if we did it in the uk simply due to cost. It seems easier to us to instead improvise with a dream holiday and have a ceremony abroad included in the price.

OP what do you want from a wedding? When you imagine it has the actual wedding always included family? Is it just the two of you? What about OH family?

To be honest I've never really thought about my wedding until now! I'm very open to just the two of us.

@sskanky

What's your budget for wedding moon abroad? If you're thinking Caribbean £2k won't go far. Barbados has some beautiful hotels and beaches but there are definitely grotty ones.

You're right, from research last night it's definitely not in budget!